Posts by shal05

shal05

Oct 14, 2013

Undergraduate / My mother is a pill-head; ENGLISH DRAMA [4]

Hey here's a few corrections

In order to use a semi colon both sides have to be independent clauses meaning they have to make since by themselves, and they can have no connecting words like and, but, etc.

"This is no ordinary English class, it is known as English drama." a simple comma will do
"This hole is so inconspicuous to others; whereas I can write about it all day " not an independent clause, therefore use a comma

"The opening of the curtains is the beginning of my performance; my journey ." not an independent clause

"My mother is a pill head." This sentence comes out of nowhere. In the first paragraph you should mention the struggles that you have at home that way the second paragraph can kind of explain the problems that the first paragraph talks about by telling us that your mother is a pill head. (also I'm not sure what you're writing this essay for, but if it's formal writing then maybe you should use a different term other than pill head)

"I spend my free periods there and enjoy it immensely"

Also in the second paragraph be more detailed about how your mother's problems affect you personally. You say you have to be the mother in your house but you didn't tell us that you have siblings? How old are they? How old are you?

Halfway through my junior year, the room (had completed undergoing a paint job ) underwent a paint job

"I don't know if the room is just so sentimental to me that the curtains are etched in my mind, or the room just needs another coat of white paint and I have remarkable vision."

Explain why the room is so sentimental to you. Does it keep you away from drama at home? If so what kind of drama?

"You have read my essay, like the audience has watched my performance. Now I will take my bow and leave you to decide." "I, Stephanie De Molfetto have the main lead."

I personally don't recommend that you address the reader like this. I think you could do away with these two sentences and say something else. If you could tell me what the prompt is I might be able to help a little more. What are they asking you to write about?

shal05

Oct 14, 2013

Scholarship / Questbirdge/ why you are interested in a career in science and technology [2]

Hi, these are my two essays for the QuestBridge College Prep Scholarship that are due tonight. If you could please read them over for me and give me any feedback that you have that would be greatly appreciated thanks!

Question: Please describe why you are interested in a career in science and technology. What would you hope to achieve by pursuing this career, and what particular issues would you be most interested in addressing? (max words 300)

He lay there in excruciating pain gasping for air, but even after running multiple tests, the doctors still did not know what was wrong or what to do. Minutes passed and before they knew it he was gone. This man was my father two years ago. Ever since I was a little child I have always been interested in a career in science and technology, but after this event my desire to go into this field has greatly increased. Science is a field that is very innovative and demanding, requiring that you keep up with the most recent knowledge and are aware of new ideas. It helps us in our everyday lives more than we can even imagine. My interest in this field stems from loving the science of biology and knowing that one day I will be able to use my knowledge to help people like my dad who are in positions where they cannot help themselves. Knowing that my thirst for knowledge will eventually be turned into a profession that will help others makes me feel extremely good. My desire is to go to college to study biology next year with the goal of one day becoming a doctor. I am currently most interested in studying about the issues of heart disease because an autopsy revealed that heart disease was ultimately the reason why my father died. This career will be exciting to me because I love doing different things every day, and I know that my life as a doctor will come with many experiences and challenges. Also, I am well-aware that going into this field will challenge my way of thinking, but I know that I will persevere and I believe that this will ultimately mold me into a better individual.

(Word Count 295)

Question: Why do you want to pursue a career in medicine? What personal or educational experiences have heightened your interest in the medical field, and how do you hope to contribute to the field in the future?

Back aching, feet swelling, bones hurting, but there's nothing I can do about it. These are the inevitable symptoms that my closest friend has had to endure all of her life. Being stricken with sickle cell anemia I have watched her be admitted in and out of the hospital countless times throughout our friendship. The pain that she constantly endures sometimes brings me to tears but I know that she has people in her life to help her out. Those people are her family, friends, and doctors. Medicine makes a great difference in many people's lives, allowing them to live longer, and not be faced with as much sickness and pain. Without medicine there would be a great deal of people living in agony and not being able to enjoy their lives. This is what sparks my passion for wanting to go into the medical field. I have always been interested in medicine, but after taking a few biology courses at school, I have come to the realization that the field of medicine is most definitely where I belong. The thought that I will be able to work with a team of people whose main goal is to make sure that all of their patients are well taken care of really excites me. Being a hospital volunteer, I have been exposed to the environment of medical professionals, and I have been able to witness all of the hard work that goes into making sure all of the patients are taken care of in a timely way. I am really eager to go into the medical field with the hopes that I will one day be able to help patients and maybe even come up with a cure for a certain disease.

(Word Count 291)

(last sentence too vague?)