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Posts by jestjest
Name: Jestin Ma
Joined: Oct 27, 2013
Last Post: Oct 31, 2013
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  
Likes: 2
From: United States of America
School: san gabriel high school

Displayed posts: 4
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jestjest   
Oct 31, 2013
Undergraduate / My mousetrap-powered vehicle began inching in a straight line; Caltech Diversity Essay [3]

Prompt: In an increasingly global and interdependent society, there is a need for diversity in thought, talent, and experiences in science, technology, engineering and mathematics. How do you see yourself contributing to the diversity of Caltech's community?

As I flicked the mousetrap's trigger mechanism with a pen, "snap!" My mousetrap-powered vehicle began inching in a straight line. Spectators and I stared in apprehension at the snail-like balsa wood vehicle.

After my vehicle halted, I rejoiced. The half-pound mousetrap car had trekked 64 meters, winning first place at the interscholastic Boeing competition. However, it wasn't until questions flew at me that I firsthand understood an important element in the scientific community: public speaking.

"So, how does this work?" a Boeing engineer inquiring about my mousetrap car. "What principles are behind this?" "Why do this?"
A veteran in Speech and Debate extemporaneous speaking, I grasped the vital connection between the working mind and talent behind the math and sciences, and their public distribution. There needs to be a public voice reinforcing closeted passion and advanced thinking. I strive both to innovate and communicate whether with peers or Boeing employees.
jestjest   
Oct 31, 2013
Undergraduate / Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure [3]

What's the failure?
If the divorce, where's the nauseating feeling behind the divorce? How is the divorce your failure?
How did you learn to be more positive? To be with those who bring out the best in you? What does the best in you even mean?

These are all very vague holes in your essay, along with more, that must be addressed with your writing and content before any of us can give you polishing tips.

BTW, plenty of grammatical errors and nuances from a quick skim.
jestjest   
Oct 31, 2013
Undergraduate / Green Club; Extracurricular Essay -I turned off all the lights [6]

Love it. The I's are much more disseminated evenly throughout the essay.
Very nice imagery and specifics make for a very vivid essay.
Just some thoughts:
Try implementing an overarching metaphor into your essay by changing around some of the verbs/adjectives. (bursting satisfaction -> blooming satisfaction [signifies flowers, related to Green Club])

Ending is nicely done. Delete "I counted myself lucky because"; those sound like filler words and "lucky" doesn't answer anything about establishing a club people were indifferent about.

After "de-chlorinated water", add in a feeling of joy, accomplishment, serenity, or satisfaction to tie in with the "feeling of fulfillment that overwhelmed" you at the end of the essay.

Third sentence, "worked harmoniously", I can't tell what kind of connotation or feeling that is supposed to be elicited from the adverb.

Separate the second sentence into two.
jestjest   
Oct 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Green Club; Extracurricular Essay -I turned off all the lights [6]

Go environmentalism and green comrade!
A bit too many I's in this essay (Stanford?) which makes the essay seem more like a biography.
Starting from "Also, I was able", show, don't tell.

Change "besides this" to "However, I was most pleased"
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