Undergraduate / Mother inspiration, Artificial world - Stanford - Intellectual Vitality [8]

Your first essay is very powerful. I think that near the end, although you are conveying strong emotion, you should focus it into a solid point. The second half of the essay lacked form. What I would do is try to talk about the duality of your respect for your father and your distain for the way he acts sometimes, rather than saying things such as "The littlest of things can set him off and when that happens, he says the most awful things. As a result, I sometimes would just really detest him. I told my mom about my feelings, and she said to not focus on all his negative characteristics." Maybe something like "His short temper frustrates me, and I've gone through periods of intense anger towards him. My mother taught my the value of focusing on the positive characteristics of my father, and by appreciating him despite his occasional rage, my relationship with my father has been strengthened." This is just my input, and you probably shouldn't use my poor writing.

The second essay is okay, but you are not focusing enough on the the second aspect of the question, which speaks of the effect of your experience on your intellectual development. Yes, virtual environments are fascinating, but you should add a sentence or two about how they relate to you in particular.

Undergraduate / Taekwondo has challenged me to grow internally; FAILURE [2]

A few pointers:

1. I would mix up your diction when referring to punches and kicks. You use the word "punch" six times and the word "kick" eight times. Use a couple synonyms, perhaps ones specifically relating to Taekwondoe, such as "Chagi" or simply "spin kick."

2. Also, being in martial arts did not mean learning violence, but rather going on a journey, a journey of not only learning to kick and punch but also to build character, discipline, and courage.Also, learning martial arts was not about learning violence, but rather going on a journey of building character, discipline, and courage.

3. The sentence: "Taekwondo is the only sport where students are required to show respect to their country by raising their hands to their hearts and bow to their masters, teachers, and classmates" is not related to your journey in its current state. Try to tie yourself into that sentence. College admissions officers want to know about you.

4. The final two sentences are good as they are, but to make them stand out, I suggest mixing them together and beefing them up. Something like: "The road to a black belt was not always a comfortable journey, but looking back on years of dedication and seeing what it has earned me, the rewards were worth the effort."