Undergraduate / Syracuse has an abundance of community service opportunities that can better me as a person [2]

With people in the world becoming too much dependingdependent on what other people think and do, I want to be a person who is independent and a leader.

Might be more concise if you change the structure a bit: "In a world where people depend too much on what other people think and do, I want..."

SoIn fact, many individuals nowadays are becoming followers rather than leaders.

With the age of technology and social media taking form, many people can now view their favorite celebrities or friend' s thoughts, ideas, like, how about "interests" instead of "likes, dislikes? That way you can have a complete list rather than __, ___, ___, etc. dislikes, etc with just a click and they conform to these ideas.

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What I want to do is become my own person and lead rather than follow. I want to be the next great leader. I want to take my own path to my dreams<-- a bit awkward and write my own story.

At Syracuse University, you can be your own person.<--This is what you're main point is right? If this is your main point, it might help the reader to have it earlier in the paper.

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With great leadership opportunities such as "Student Leadership Institute" and the "Orange Seeds", Syracuse University is an excellent place to improve leadership skills. The next four years of living away from home at a school with a plethora of opportunities can help mold me into an individual who is a leader and confident of my own views. I also dream of making a difference in the community whether it be community service or leadership. Sometimes you forget how good you have it until you witness the struggles that some people face. Every day I am thankful for all that I have and the sacrifices that my parents have made. I would like to give back to the community and help the people that may not have it as well as I do. Giving back to the community by doing things such as volunteering can go a long way for these people. I know that Syracuse has an abundance of community service opportunities that can better me as a person in the future.

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Not bad! I like how you interpreted the question. I also really like your introduction about technology; it is a good hook to the paper and true!

Some easy tips I have for you are as follows:
1) If you can, divide your response into mini-paragraphs. When I read, I find it harder to read large paragraphs. (It might just be me though.) I would divide the response into different ideas where I put the dashes.

2) It might also help the reader if you have your thesis, which is that you want to be a leader rather than a conformist, sooner in the response, rather than having it later. Your audience for this response may be a group of college admissions officers who look at a lot of students' writing in one day, so you may want to get to the main point right as they start reading.

A harder tip:
I think that you could work on your voice a bit to make it a bit more formal and concise, but I do not really have any tips for improving voice except practicing and reading.

Undergraduate / Have been taking an ESL course - GAP ESSAY [7]

Not using contractions just means to expand them. So can't ->cannot, don't ->do not, I'm-> I am, it's->it is, etc. It's slang and not as formal, I guess.

For the closure, I suggest replacing "meanwhile" with "as of now" to emphasize that that is what you are doing now. Meanwhile is used when two things occur at once, so for example, the dog ate his food. Meanwhile, the cat, on the other side of the room, chased a mouse. Meanwhile makes it so that the actions both are simultaneous. As for the activities, it's your choice. If you are on topic, it never hurts to add more detail and clarity. If you think that it deludes your point, then you do not have to include it.

Undergraduate / Have been taking an ESL course - GAP ESSAY [7]

Wow! It flows really nice now! Just a few touch ups I think you should make. I didn't explain this to you earlier and you may already know this, but in more sophisticated writing, contractions are frowned upon. (It is also more sophisticated to avoid personal pronouns except in anecdotes, but this is a journal entry type thing so use "I","me", etc. as much as you want).

Just a tiny phrasing thing. When you say "The process consisted on aptitude" and so on, the term is "consisted of." I actually had to do some research to make sure I wasn't wrong, and "consisting in" is a real phrase, too, but it's means " "to have X as a essential feature," which is not really what you're trying to say.

Now, for your bullet points. The part about swimming and driving flows, so it is fine.
For the parallel thing, I think that adding the word "test" works well. The problem with your original sentence is that you listed character traits/skill and events, which are not exactly the same. I originally suggested making a list of skills, but making a list of events makes perfect sense too. Now, you have three events and one skill. I don't know how I feel about "group dynamics," though. Maybe group dynamic activities?

The word acknowledge means to "accept as a truth" (Merriam Webster Dictionary) or to recognize. The people recognize that you are got the scholarship, so they are the subject, so using the subject, verb, object format, it would be they acknowledge you as receiver of the scholarship. I really don't have a great reason for why it's this way, but it's just the way I've heard it used all my life. I believe that you may be trying to say " I found out that I got the scholarship" and that's why you're thinking I...I.

But once again, good job! You're doing great and it flowed well when I read it out-loud

Undergraduate / Have been taking an ESL course - GAP ESSAY [7]

This is really good! I like it a lot and I can relate to it because in elementary school, I was an ESL student. :) I understand having to take a lot of tests and then waiting forever to get the results. You have some really good details, such as the University name, the fact that you swim and take driving lessons, and the date you came to America. These facts are great and add a lot, but I would make them a little more emotional by stressing how you felt at each event (I think you tried to do this. To make it a little better, you only have to elaborate a little). One grammatical thing I did notice is that you used a lot of gerunds (-ing verbs). Since you are telling your story, I would try to stay in past tense.

P.S. I am so sorry that I am so critical in this and that there are so many colors (This is my first post. I made an account because I thought what you wrote was really meaningful). Your grammar is actually really good (at least way better than a lot of what I read on the internet). Just remember that my suggestions are only SUGGESTIONS, meaning they are OPTIONAL. If you feel that you do not like my advice, then ignore it. I am human so I too have errors. Some of my criticism is just style, which I believe is something pretty advanced, but I think you are smart enough to understand.