Undergraduate / "Who can say where the road goes, where the day goes, only time"; Hardship/Obstacle [4]

Very good, but I feel that you didn't stress the hardships enough. I understand this might be just the beginning, but I recommend focusing more on the pain of your struggles and the emotional agony that you experienced. Then expound on the triumphant battle you fought within yourself to overcome these obstacles and become the best you. Its good, but it doesnt make people feel a sympathetic connection. This will help the admissions staff see that your someone that should be accepted into their college/university.

Good Luck!
- Kuan