Posts by cw4674

cw4674

Jun 23, 2014

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Admission Essay - "Welcome to Camp Live, Laugh, Love" [2]

Honestly, when my mom dropped me off for the three-day children's bereavement camp, I had reservations and was less than thrilled. She thought the camp could help me to understand my feelings and develop healthy coping skills due to the loss, in the past 12 months, of my two grandmothers to cancer, my great-grandmother, and our beloved family dog, Simba.
After meeting my Teen Buddy, Kendra, who was with me for the duration of the weekend, my reluctance of attending camp disappeared. Our family is close, and we openly talk about our feelings, but this felt different. I was able to see that other kids had suffered similar losses and that I ~~wasn't~~was not alone in my grief.

Camp Live, Love, Laugh was so invaluable to me as a camper that I wanted to "pay it forward" but had to wait until I met their age requirements. I am honored to say this summer will be my second as a Teen Buddy. I can't think of anyplace ~~I'd~~I would rather be on the last weekend of July than spending it with these special campers.

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss; however, this is a generally well written essay. It flowed well from idea to idea and stayed structured while answering the prompt adequately. I do personally feel that in the line "grandmothers to cancer, my great-grandmother, and our beloved family dog, Simba." the flow is a little off. It seems like your grandmothers' get a why you lost them, your dog gets to be beloved, and your great-grandmother gets a mention. It may be personal preference but maybe consider putting my great-grandmother to 'x'.

"Over the course of the weekend, I made friendships; laughed; cried; rock climbed; rode horses, made crafts; but most of all, I was given the tools and knowledge to cope with my loss in healthy ways, such as encouraging us to talk and ask questions; keeping a journal; and that it's okay to still have fun and laugh without feeling guilty." This feels like a run on with semicolons and commas used haphazardly. Consider revising this or break into two sentences.

I hope my advice is helpful to you and good luck with your admissions.

cw4674

Jun 22, 2014

Undergraduate / "Do you cut the red wire or the blue?" college admission essay [2]

Hello. I am trying to write an admissions essay for transferring in to Texas A&M. I am wishing to attend their computer science program, but I am having trouble getting this essay started.

"Do you cut the red wire or the blue?" As an explosive ordnance disposal technician, this question is asked of me more often than I could count. What escapes many is there is far more to rendering an explosive hazard safe than being able to decide between a couple colors. I learned how to study and retain large amounts of information quickly, afford attention to even the minutest detail, and work under immense pressure. These traits are what keep a technician alive. They are also traits that will make me an academically great student.

Zero and one, the most powerful numbers known to man, have the ability to put a man on the moon, aid in medical treatment, and help us operate through our day to day lives. These seemingly insignificant numbers are in fact the characters of binary code, the basis of all computer operations and programming. I remember learning this and being astounded, in fact every time I learned something new about a computer I yearned to know more. I took computer science courses and learned about programming languages such a java and C++. By the time I was asked what I wanted to do in life my senior year in high school, the answer was simple. I was going to be a software engineer.

On the one hand, I feel the first one offers the admissions committee more in demonstrating value as what type of student I will be but has nothing to do with my intended major. I could continue and elaborate on why those things would make me a good student. On the other hand, the second introduction pertains to my major, but I have nothing really to add value to my admissions packet. I could continue with why I would like to attend A&M and my intended goals, but I don't feel like that is what the essay is asking for. Should I pick one of these two and go with it, or am I at a point I should scrap both and start from square one again? Any help you can provide is most graciously appreciated.