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community

Oct 23, 2014

Undergraduate / "A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future [11]

Sorry for the extremely late reply :( I have been busy with my IB Course work.

Anyways, thank You for your suggestions!!

community

Oct 11, 2014

Undergraduate / "A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future [11]

Hello,

Sorry for the late reply! I have been busy with preparing for my SAT subject tests, and decided to not work on my essay until after the exams.

I had taken most of your feedbacks into consideration, and made some edits to my essay after your previous reply.

The word count is now 697, and I am unsure of what are some sentences that I can delete.

It would be great if you can help me look it over again, and answer the following questions:
- Does my introduction grab the audience?
- Do you have any concerns with this essay? (For clarification, I avoided putting in specific things I did in my essay, because I had wanted my essay to be more of an explanation of the "activities list" on my common app.)

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments.

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They looked at me with surprise, lips trembling, grasping for words to say. I knew this would happen. They did not believe me, again. But, it was understandable. I would also doubt what I was hearing if I were them. It is difficult to believe that a model student, a boy who walks down the hall confidently with a contagious laughter, could have gone through such traumatic experiences. But it happened. I was bullied, and that experience changed me forever.

Maybe it was because I was a bit obese, perhaps it was because of my high pitched voice, whatever the reason, bullying accompanied me like my best friend for more than 5 years. From when I first came to China at the age of 9 as a dreamer filled with hope, to when I transferred to an international school in Middle school, it was reluctant to let go of its tight grip on my life, torturing my vulnerable little soul. It pushed me to the edge of the cliff, making me ponder whether or not to jump down to find a quick way out. It was possessive and selfish, not allowing anyone to come near me to share his or her sympathy and kindness.

I pleaded for help from the teachers and school authorities, hoping they would help me and guide me out of the darkness of my school life. All my efforts were in vain. There were no punishments, no actions taken to protect me. As the blue spots on my body increased, I felt the frustration building within me. Instead of turning rebellious and violent, I chose to use it as determination instead. I was determined to make a change. I was not going to take the bullying anymore. My body was physically tired; I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I realized change wasn't going to descend from the sky like Jesus. I knew that if I wanted to stop the bullying. I had to do something to make it happen for myself.

I stopped complaining and dove into schoolwork, kept myself busy, trying not to be recognized or acknowledged by the others, but working to become someone who can make a change. I never looked back. I assured myself that the obstacles made me stronger and allowed the name-calling to pass. I focused on being who I am and not who people want me to be. I no longer hesitated to stand up for myself in a logical manner. Using my gift of analysis and logic to open the minds of the bullies each time they tried to force me to answer "Where are you really from?". Where I came from no longer matter. I realized that they would not understand that the answer to that question was simply "I come from the earth. Just like you." I was now the wise defender of the meek and bullied. I grew stronger the day I decided to stand up to bullying and began to defend the others being bullied in school.

Soon, I was part of the community, and my best friend - bullying - let me go as if he was satisfied with my progress. Many accepted me for who I am, and appreciated or even revered me for what I do. actively contributing to the school community by creating opportunities for the others with my given abilities. My smile was no longer fake, and I had no reason to ache.

Looking back, bullying was indeed my best friend, evil yet helpful. It cruelly removed my eggshell of vulnerability, and replaced it with an armor of patience. It gave me unforgettable pain, yet helped me to live everyday to my full potential, finding happiness and value in every corner of my life. It taught me to look beyond appearance and celebrate one's personality and difference. It taught me to forgive the others for their mistakes and misdeeds.

I know that there are others out there suffering in the same way that I did. Now that I know how to defeat this unseen enemy, I have decided to turn the end of bullying into a personal crusade. Now it is my turn to be someone's best friend.

community

Oct 6, 2014

Undergraduate / "A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future [11]

Thank you so much for your comments. After looking back your previous comments, I re-structured my essay.

I hope you can help me again and provide me with some of your thoughts. (Word Count - 623)

Title - Best Friend

They looked at me with surprise, lips trembling, grasping for words to say. I knew this would happen. They did not believe me, again. But, it is understandable. I would also doubt what I was hearing if I were them. It is difficult to believe that a model student, a boy who walks down the hall confidently with a contagious laughter, could have went through such traumatic experience. But it happened. I was bullied, and that experience changed me forever.

Maybe it was because I was a bit obese, perhaps it was because of my high pitched voice, whatever the reason, bullying accompanied me like my best friend for more than 5 years. From when I first came to China at the age of 9 as a dreamer filled with hope, to when I transferred to an international school in Middle school. It was reluctant to let go of its tight gripped on my life, torturing my vulnerable little soul, even after listening to my desperate prayers. It pushed me to the edge of the window, making me ponder whether or not to jump down to find a quick way out. It was conservative and selfish, not allowing anyone to come near me to share his or her sympathy and kindness.

[...]

community

Oct 6, 2014

Undergraduate / "A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future [11]

I have made some changes to my last two paragraphs. Please make further corrections for me

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I stopped complaining and dove myself into schoolwork, kept myself busy, not trying to be recognized or acknowledged by the others, but working to become someone who can make a change. I never stopped for a rest or to look back. I assured myself obstacles make me stronger and allowed the name-calling to pass by my ears like a wind breeze. I was right. Soon, moved by my optimism and patience, people accepted me for who I am, and appreciated or even revered what I do.

Yes, I was no longer alone.

5 years of bullying crudely peeled my eggshell of vulnerability, and gave me an insurmountable armor made of scars and blood. It kept me living everyday to my full potential, allowing me to find happiness and value in every corner of my life. It taught me to look beyond appearance and tolerate one's personality and difference. It made me live on and be proud of who I am and not who people want me to be. Someone needs to hear and act upon the cries of the bullied, and that will be me. I will stop the suffering and help them learn the lessons I was taught. I will make a change.

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Thanks

community

Oct 6, 2014

Undergraduate / "A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future [11]

Thank you for the quick reply!

Can you give me some general thoughts about the essay? How is it? Is it too cliche? What kind of student do you see from this essay?

community

Oct 6, 2014

Undergraduate / "A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future [11]

The below is my drafted essay for the common app. I hope you can provide me with corrections, and ideas for its improvement.

It is 750words (100words over limit), so please point out things that I can delete!
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

They looked at me with surprise, lips trembling, grasping for words to say. I knew this would happen. They did not believe me, again. But, it is understandable. If I were they, I would also highly doubt what I hear. How could it for a boy who model-walks down the hall with a contagious laughter go through such traumatic experience? I know It is hard to believe. But that is what happened: I was bullied, and that changed me forever.

At the age of 9, I came to China with dream and hope. Then I, a third grader and a foreigner to the environment, was bullied and treated with dismay. Just because I was a bit obese and had a high pitched voice, and only because I was a shy third culture kid, I was treated with no respect or manners. Starting from first day of school, no one bothered to say hi or even talk to me. When I approached them, they would push me away and give me a stare that still gives me a chill. In the classroom, they ripped my books and threw my homework away. In the dorm, they punched me with joy as if I was a sandbag. In the cafeteria, they poured soup on me as if I was the waste-bin.

However, as the eldest kid who did not want to make his parents worry, I never told my family what really happened in school. Everyday I would get back to my house with a big smile on my face, trying my best to look satisfied and exultant. It was like a sad one-man show with no audience that continued for 3 years without a day of rest. My desperate protests to the teachers, who valued connections with the Chinese parents, were ignored and thrown aside, while my act of vengeance to the bullies resulted to a public humiliation: the teacher slapped me in front of the students and told me, the very victim of bullying, to apologize.

I could have shouted or slammed everything in rage. But, I did not; I was too scared. I followed his order, because I knew, to the others, my rights, and my voice were trifling. I stayed low, because I knew I was just a cowardice lonely boy against the rest of the community.

But I never lost hope, even when I transferred and faced more ignorance and discrimination. The Asians ostracized me for my nationality, while the others called me "pig" or "monster" for my obese body and high-pitched voice. Suppressed, and hurt, I reached out for help. I prayed everyday, every week, waiting for a miracle to come. I talked to every single adult, including teachers, and counselors, hoping they would be the glimpse of light in my dark tunnel of life. Yet, nothing would change. Every time they would do a class-announcement like "Please treat all your peers nicely", and that was it. No punishments, and no actions. Slowly, my despair transformed itself into the nebulous frustration of waiting, which then concreted into a determination. The determination to make a change. After 4 years, I was tired of acting as if nothing happened when the blue spots on my body increased exponentially. I was tired of crying by myself silently, and was tired of devising up ways of peaceful suicide. I realized with nobody doing anything, change wasn't going to descend from sky like Jesus. I had to be the change-maker.

I dove myself into schoolwork, kept myself busy, not trying to be recognized or acknowledged by the others, but to work to become someone who can make a change. Having never stopped to take a rest or to look back, I was soon surrounded by people who accepted me for who I am, and who appreciated or even revered me for what I do. If asked upon, bullying is not what I would like to experience again. Nevertheless, ironically, I am grateful that it has happened. The experience has crudely peeled my eggshell of vulnerability, and has given me an insurmountable armor made of scars and blood. It kept me living everyday to my full potential, allowing me to find happiness in every corner of my life. Most importantly, It has given me a direction. A ambitious dream of becoming an international leader who utilizes his knowledge and abilities to make progress for the international community. Someone needs to hear and act upon the cries of the bullied, and that will be me.