hmay
Oct 25, 2014
Undergraduate / Penn M&T Supplement Essay - Robotics, Business, and Engineering [9]
Thanks! Does my revised draft mesh better with the prompt? (post #4)
Thanks! Does my revised draft mesh better with the prompt? (post #4)
hmay
Oct 24, 2014
Undergraduate / Penn M&T Supplement Essay - Robotics, Business, and Engineering [9]
Thank you so much! :)
Thank you so much! :)
hmay
Oct 23, 2014
Undergraduate / Penn M&T Supplement Essay - Robotics, Business, and Engineering [9]
Here is a rough revised draft - I thought I put a lot more passion and emotion in this time, so hopefully it comes through! I think it's more balanced as far as background and future go now.
Here is a rough revised draft - I thought I put a lot more passion and emotion in this time, so hopefully it comes through! I think it's more balanced as far as background and future go now.
hmay
Oct 23, 2014
Undergraduate / MIT Supplements: Culture/Activity for Pleasure/Department/Attribute/Challenge [4]
Hey I'm applying to MIT as well! Your essays look really polished, and you definitely exhibit strong writing skills.
Essay 1: you could probably cut out words by condensing the first and last sentences. The last sentences is full of big words and big ideas, but could be rather ambiguous - I know I do this a lot too haha. Condense the meaning; your message will be clearer and your reader will be thankful.
Essay 2: overall, pretty solid. Could be made better in the same way as the first - lots of abstract ideas but not as much concrete details. In your first essay, you provide images of the magazines and PB&J sandwiches, which are awesome. Try to do that with the violin as well!
Essay 3: Love this one. In my opinion it's fine as it is :)
Essay 4: Has a great message - I would say that the middle paragraph with the old man is unnecessary. you already provide many examples of your compassion for others; demonstrating the root of that compassion does very little other than consume precious words. Also, the ending of this kinda contradicts your wish to study Aerospace technology.
Essay 6: "Even when my father was diagnosed with Diabetes II, I found sugar's temptation too hard to resist. It came to be such a problem that instead of the usually turkey sandwich for lunch, I was buying ice cream sandwiches to please my taste buds." You already have so many concrete examples, that these are not necessary. Possibly incorporate your father's diagnosis in the second paragraph somewhere. I would also work a bit on the ending to improve the flow and chop down on some words. You also repeat "Though" twice
Good job and good luck!
Hey I'm applying to MIT as well! Your essays look really polished, and you definitely exhibit strong writing skills.
Essay 1: you could probably cut out words by condensing the first and last sentences. The last sentences is full of big words and big ideas, but could be rather ambiguous - I know I do this a lot too haha. Condense the meaning; your message will be clearer and your reader will be thankful.
Essay 2: overall, pretty solid. Could be made better in the same way as the first - lots of abstract ideas but not as much concrete details. In your first essay, you provide images of the magazines and PB&J sandwiches, which are awesome. Try to do that with the violin as well!
Essay 3: Love this one. In my opinion it's fine as it is :)
Essay 4: Has a great message - I would say that the middle paragraph with the old man is unnecessary. you already provide many examples of your compassion for others; demonstrating the root of that compassion does very little other than consume precious words. Also, the ending of this kinda contradicts your wish to study Aerospace technology.
Essay 6: "Even when my father was diagnosed with Diabetes II, I found sugar's temptation too hard to resist. It came to be such a problem that instead of the usually turkey sandwich for lunch, I was buying ice cream sandwiches to please my taste buds." You already have so many concrete examples, that these are not necessary. Possibly incorporate your father's diagnosis in the second paragraph somewhere. I would also work a bit on the ending to improve the flow and chop down on some words. You also repeat "Though" twice
Good job and good luck!
hmay
Oct 23, 2014
Undergraduate / Penn M&T Supplement Essay - Robotics, Business, and Engineering [9]
Thanks vangiespen! Btw, this is actually for the University of Pennsylvania, not Penn State.
I definitely felt that I didn't address the future as much as I could have - would you recommend me consolidating the first half about robotics to make room for a paragraph about future aspirations? I'm so tight to the word limit and robotics has been really integral to me in discovering what I want to do, so I don't want to leave it out.
From my research, I found this link: www . page217 . com/?p=883 (delete spaces), which states that "Successful applicants in the past have addressed these points utilizing examples of personal experience, such as concrete leadership, research, and academic involvement, or future goals, such as the connections or innovations they hope to explore between disciplines that touch management and technology."
Thanks vangiespen! Btw, this is actually for the University of Pennsylvania, not Penn State.
I definitely felt that I didn't address the future as much as I could have - would you recommend me consolidating the first half about robotics to make room for a paragraph about future aspirations? I'm so tight to the word limit and robotics has been really integral to me in discovering what I want to do, so I don't want to leave it out.
From my research, I found this link: www . page217 . com/?p=883 (delete spaces), which states that "Successful applicants in the past have addressed these points utilizing examples of personal experience, such as concrete leadership, research, and academic involvement, or future goals, such as the connections or innovations they hope to explore between disciplines that touch management and technology."
hmay
Oct 22, 2014
Undergraduate / "Oh, you got that grade cause you're Asian" - Challenging a belief or idea [7]
This essay has a lot of potential! But as it stands right now, it needs more description - you use a lot of passive voice. For example:
"I was taken by surprise and a little upset, especially because the speaker of those comments was my new, and almost only, friend of the time" - using active voice here can really demonstrate a strong image of your feelings rather than just "I was..."
Also, expand more in your conclusion. You stated that the experience changed you - so provide a concrete example of how it did rather than an abstract statement.
This essay has a lot of potential! But as it stands right now, it needs more description - you use a lot of passive voice. For example:
"I was taken by surprise and a little upset, especially because the speaker of those comments was my new, and almost only, friend of the time" - using active voice here can really demonstrate a strong image of your feelings rather than just "I was..."
Also, expand more in your conclusion. You stated that the experience changed you - so provide a concrete example of how it did rather than an abstract statement.
hmay
Oct 22, 2014
Undergraduate / Helping a Friend with Anorexia - UC Prompt #1/Cornell CALS Supplement [10]
I agree with the previous commentators that the essay should focus more around you. Your revision definitely has brought it closer to that point, but I would even say start out with yourself rather than her - for example, combining details in the first paragraph with the beginning of the second paragraph.
My only other word of advice would be to work on the conclusion - it's fine as it is, but you could definitely spice it up more into something that will leave an impression on the reader's mind.
I agree with the previous commentators that the essay should focus more around you. Your revision definitely has brought it closer to that point, but I would even say start out with yourself rather than her - for example, combining details in the first paragraph with the beginning of the second paragraph.
My only other word of advice would be to work on the conclusion - it's fine as it is, but you could definitely spice it up more into something that will leave an impression on the reader's mind.
hmay
Oct 22, 2014
Undergraduate / Penn M&T Supplement Essay - Robotics, Business, and Engineering [9]
I'm applying to a really selective program at Penn based around Management & Technology; it only accepts 50 people a year, so I know my essays have to be really, really good. My main concern with what I've written is the ending - I'm not sure if enough people will "get it." I'm right at the word limit so I can't add anything without detracting from some part of the essay. Let me know what you think!
How will the Jerome Fisher Program in Management and Technology help you pursue your specific interests in both engineering and business? Please address in depth specific engineering fields, areas of business, and their potential integration that you plan on pursuing through this Penn program. (400-650 words)
I walked into DuPont Building 700 for the first time with a demure smile on my face - but my inner feelings more resembled that emoji with a frontward-facing slash as its mouth. Eighty-something unfamiliar faces greeted my apprehensive eye; thoughts of "What am I doing here?" and "I know nothing about robots" bounced across my brain. I fumbled through the team cheer, listened to subteam presentations, and turned in a half-slip of paper with hastily written down subteam preferences at the end of the third meeting.
That building I first walked into as a sophomore with a jumble of doubts quickly transformed into a second home for the next three years of my life. As part of Team 365 - MOE and the larger FIRST Robotics community, I discovered the powers of coffee and pizza, the difference between swerve and mecanum drives, and how to rock our team's hallmark lime green. But most importantly, through both the Media team and the Computer Aided Design (CAD) team, I realized that success derives from both innovative engineering and successful management. Building 700 became a nest for both fields: through the Media team, I created business plans, streamlined our out-of-date website with its atrocious lime green text on a black background, and obtained crucial funding from sponsors. Through CAD, I began to dabble in the ropes of Solidworks, modeling prototypes that ensured smooth integration between each subteam. And when a particular design failed - a collector arm, for instance - I set to work with my teammates to innovate a new solution. Our robotics team rapidly became a well-oiled machine: fueled by the momentum of key business strategies to kick competition performance and STEM outreach into high gear.
Yet even as our team won awards like Entrepreneurship and Engineering Inspiration, battled through district competitions and World Championships, and garnered both sponsors and Twitter followers, one question lingered: what was I going to do after FIRST?
I know without a doubt that my experience at the crossroads of business and engineering is far from finished. FIRST was just the prelude; through the Jerome Fisher Program in Management & Technology, I can shape my story. The overlap between these two crucial fields continues to grow in size and importance - after all, the technologies of today are MOE's in and of themselves: Miracles of Engineering. Yet their success is interwoven with the phenomenal business strategies of their producers - Apple's household symbol, Microsoft's strategic merger with Nokia. I've seen firsthand the determination of FIRST students as they operate drill presses; I've heard the sharp gasps and raucous shouts as they anxiously await the score of a close match; I've felt the passion of creating something tangible out of knowledge that is intangible - and it is a passion I seek to share. Through M&T, I can develop a well-rounded mindset poised to innovate, engineer, and market a way to provide students with hands-on experience in STEM fields. A major in Systems Science and Engineering through SEAS will allow me to tackle systems much more complex than robots; yet at the same time, I can learn to develop novel ideas through classes like Management 235. With the tight-knit community of students within the program who share similar interests as well as the inspiring diversity of Penn as a whole, I can challenge myself to become an innovator, an adapter, and an entrepreneur. The tools I develop through both degrees can become a double-edged sword, ready to engineer the tangible future, and engineer the tactics necessary to make it a success. I need not sacrifice business or engineering.
Turns out, you can have your cake and eat it too - and even share some with the rest of the world.
I'm applying to a really selective program at Penn based around Management & Technology; it only accepts 50 people a year, so I know my essays have to be really, really good. My main concern with what I've written is the ending - I'm not sure if enough people will "get it." I'm right at the word limit so I can't add anything without detracting from some part of the essay. Let me know what you think!
How will the Jerome Fisher Program in Management and Technology help you pursue your specific interests in both engineering and business? Please address in depth specific engineering fields, areas of business, and their potential integration that you plan on pursuing through this Penn program. (400-650 words)
I walked into DuPont Building 700 for the first time with a demure smile on my face - but my inner feelings more resembled that emoji with a frontward-facing slash as its mouth. Eighty-something unfamiliar faces greeted my apprehensive eye; thoughts of "What am I doing here?" and "I know nothing about robots" bounced across my brain. I fumbled through the team cheer, listened to subteam presentations, and turned in a half-slip of paper with hastily written down subteam preferences at the end of the third meeting.
That building I first walked into as a sophomore with a jumble of doubts quickly transformed into a second home for the next three years of my life. As part of Team 365 - MOE and the larger FIRST Robotics community, I discovered the powers of coffee and pizza, the difference between swerve and mecanum drives, and how to rock our team's hallmark lime green. But most importantly, through both the Media team and the Computer Aided Design (CAD) team, I realized that success derives from both innovative engineering and successful management. Building 700 became a nest for both fields: through the Media team, I created business plans, streamlined our out-of-date website with its atrocious lime green text on a black background, and obtained crucial funding from sponsors. Through CAD, I began to dabble in the ropes of Solidworks, modeling prototypes that ensured smooth integration between each subteam. And when a particular design failed - a collector arm, for instance - I set to work with my teammates to innovate a new solution. Our robotics team rapidly became a well-oiled machine: fueled by the momentum of key business strategies to kick competition performance and STEM outreach into high gear.
Yet even as our team won awards like Entrepreneurship and Engineering Inspiration, battled through district competitions and World Championships, and garnered both sponsors and Twitter followers, one question lingered: what was I going to do after FIRST?
I know without a doubt that my experience at the crossroads of business and engineering is far from finished. FIRST was just the prelude; through the Jerome Fisher Program in Management & Technology, I can shape my story. The overlap between these two crucial fields continues to grow in size and importance - after all, the technologies of today are MOE's in and of themselves: Miracles of Engineering. Yet their success is interwoven with the phenomenal business strategies of their producers - Apple's household symbol, Microsoft's strategic merger with Nokia. I've seen firsthand the determination of FIRST students as they operate drill presses; I've heard the sharp gasps and raucous shouts as they anxiously await the score of a close match; I've felt the passion of creating something tangible out of knowledge that is intangible - and it is a passion I seek to share. Through M&T, I can develop a well-rounded mindset poised to innovate, engineer, and market a way to provide students with hands-on experience in STEM fields. A major in Systems Science and Engineering through SEAS will allow me to tackle systems much more complex than robots; yet at the same time, I can learn to develop novel ideas through classes like Management 235. With the tight-knit community of students within the program who share similar interests as well as the inspiring diversity of Penn as a whole, I can challenge myself to become an innovator, an adapter, and an entrepreneur. The tools I develop through both degrees can become a double-edged sword, ready to engineer the tangible future, and engineer the tactics necessary to make it a success. I need not sacrifice business or engineering.
Turns out, you can have your cake and eat it too - and even share some with the rest of the world.
