Undergraduate / Freedom, Music, Well-roundedness - URochester - Why URochester? [2]

Hi guys,

Can someone look over my URochester supplement? It's seriously one of the worst supplements I wrote so far lol... Also need to cut out 40 words.

Thanks in advance! I'll be happy to look over your essay too!

Prompt: The University of Rochester offers many rare advantages, building from our "Meliora" ("ever-better") motto that has inspired generations of scholars, professionals, and artists. Describe what's leading you to apply, and what kind of "Meliora" experiences you want to have here at Rochester and beyond. (250 words maximum)

(287 words)
I am claustrophobic- not in the sense that I fear confined spaces, but in the sense that I fear being limited by my knowledge of the current world. The University of Rochester would fulfill my desires not only to expand my global horizons, but also to become well-rounded academically and musically.

Freedom. The University of Rochester's open curriculum not only encourages me to study what I truly love, but also compels me to comprehensively grasp knowledge in several different fields. Allowing students to choose what appeal to them and offering the ability to "Take Five" exemplify the University of Rochester's ambition to produce and provide for upcoming leaders, and this approach in turn yields students that become more passionate, informative, and academically well-rounded.

Passion. No formula exists to sufficiently express the pleasure and fulfillment that comes from playing the harp, whether enhancing the orchestra or playing for my own musical growth. At the University of Rochester, such musical possibilities remain literally at my fingertips. Coming from a high school that lacked an orchestra, I hope to resume performing music in a group and plan to audition for both the symphony and studio orchestras.

Well-roundedness. The University of Rochester truly offers limitless opportunities in many different areas that I hope to become a part of; whether volunteering at the hospital, performing with a quartet, or viewing stars in the astronomy club, I have no doubt that immersing myself in all these activities and opportunities will leave me with a broader understanding and new perspective of the world around me. With collaborative students that share a similar curiosity, compassionate professors, and endless opportunities unique to this school, the University of Rochester nurtures the ambition to experience life "ever better."

Undergraduate / I have learned how to use a power screw earlier than the handling of TV remote control - MIT [2]

Would anyone be willing to revise my essay? I will gladly return the favor. Thank you!

1. Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (200-250 words).

Born into a family of engineers, I learned how to use a power screw before the television remote control. Employed at age six by my independent, electrical engineering father, I enlisted my ambidextrous hands to quickly untwist wires and label work phones. My father's workplace seemed an endless playground in which he climbed ceilings to install telephone wires, entered what looked like black holes into the basement, and successfully set up telephones in brand new offices. I desperately desired to go play with him, building functional telephones out of what appeared to be useless trash. At a young age, the ability to work with my hands seemed the greatest, more admirable quality.

Attending a single-sex school only fostered my desire to become an engineer. Emphasizing both the performing arts and the STEM fields, my school entailed more than just skirts, ponytails, and girls aspiring to become professional singers, and I experienced the best of both worlds. What we lacked in gender diversity, we made up in increased opportunities that allowed me to participate in intellectual conversation about the string theory while performing duets with the strings of the violin. The ability to create from the unknown surfaced all around the school, from the students performing an original dance, to the students building a mini roller coaster out of Hot Wheels pieces. Along with my father, the students and faculty nurtured the ambition to direct my imagination towards stepping outside my comfort zone in order to construct, design, and inspire.

Undergraduate / MIT Supplements: Culture/Activity for Pleasure/Department/Attribute/Challenge [4]

Hi guys,
Would anyone be willing to revise my essays? They're due in a week...
Definitely need to cut out words too

I rewrote my essays. If anyone is willing to give me feedback, I am more than happy to return the favor. Thanks in advance!

1. Please tell us more about your cultural background and identity in the space below (100 word limit). If you need more than 100 words, please use the Optional section on Part 2.

(98 words)
I am Cambodian and represent the first generation to indulge in both American and Cambodian culture. I believe in the strong Cambodian sense of group identity yet appreciate the uniquely American value of independence. Visit our home on December 31, and you'll hear fireworks sounding in the backyard. Yet, visit out home during Khmer New Year in April, and witness the pouring of water over our elderly great-grandfather. Together, the two cultures have greatly influenced my personality and shaped my diverse beliefs into a description that is not indicative of one culture, but rather an embodiment of me.

2. We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (100 words or fewer).

(91 words)
Playing the violin has provided an escape from the literal domain. Ever since attending my first symphonic experience and desperately desiring to become a part of that stage, this unyielding passion has consumed my life and left me ravenous for more. The surprising complexity of the wooden block extends towards a diverse set of paths, lined with endless possibilities literally at the end of my fingertips. The continual quest for betterment, along with the devotion to explore the legacy left by musicians before me, drives the fulfillment of playing the violin.

3. Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (100 words or fewer).

(109 words)
I am claustrophobic- not in the sense that I am afraid of confined spaces, but in the sense that I fear being limited by the knowledge of the current world. I have always been captivated by the mysteriousness of the universe- how it desires to be explored, captured in its essence, and understood for its entirety. MIT's Aerospace department would allow me to expand my awareness of my surroundings and prepare for the emerging future of aerospace technology. The unique opportunities and intellectually stimulating environment would not only satisfy my eagerness in working with technology, but also provide more insights into the outside world that seems incomprehensible yet remains attainable.

4. What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (200-250 words).

(303 words)
My mother criticizes me for crying easily. I wept when I witnessed my neighbor helping his son learn to walk, when my brother had neck surgery, and at the ending of Toy Story 3. Yet, this capability to feel and sympathize with others does not make me ashamed at all. Rather, I find it my most endearing quality- the ability to show compassion. In the past, I have shared a meal with a homeless woman, listened to my classmate about her family troubles, and stopped to smile at a stranger who looked a bit down. In each situation, I hoped to shift some of their burdens and provide both physical and emotional support.

Amidst our increasingly vulgar and insensitive society, I stop to observe people whose eyes contrast their lively disposition, listen to the unheard voice screaming for help, and inquire the next step to finding a cure for inhumane indifference. This compassion stems from the time I witnessed a man pay for the groceries of an elderly couple behind him. With no reason or recognition, the man assisted the couple purely out of good will. That day, he spoke a word of truth that I will never forget: "compassion is motivated action without reason." And to this day, I set out to be just like that man.

In addition to uplifting others, I have dramatically transformed my outlook on life. No longer do I read the news for the tragedy and destruction that make for appealing news stories; rather, I focus on the positive ones that reaffirm my optimistic perspective of humanity and its kindness. This desire to help others has prompted me to focus mainly on local communal support yet consider immersing myself in service around the globe. Through the lens of compassion, the world seems a smaller, less threatening place.

6. Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation? (200-250 words).

(282 words)
My sweet tooth almost made me a statistic.
At a young age, I learned that sugar made everything taste better. I dumped mounds of sugar in my tea, doused my asparagus in maple syrup, and dipped my French fries in ice cream. Sugar was the best friend that rewarded me for my accomplishments, never left my side, and always relieved my problems. Even when my father was diagnosed with Diabetes II, I found sugar's temptation too hard to resist. It came to be such a problem that instead of the usually turkey sandwich for lunch, I was buying ice cream sandwiches to please my taste buds.

But then, I stopped. I looked at my father closely for the first time after his diagnosis, and I saw it. The pain, the yearning, the regret. The physical pain he experiences when he accidently eats too many carbs, the yearning for one more chance at a normal life, and the regret for letting his addiction go too far. I refused to end up like my father: a statistic to Diabetes- just another case of a bad diet gone wrong.

That day began my love of cooking. Instead of searching for satisfaction in sugar, I now gain fulfillment in cooking and acknowledging how the right spice can completely transform a dish. I have traded my ice cream sandwiches for spinach salads, maple syrup on my asparagus for freshly squeezed lemon, and my vulnerability for a newfound sense of self-discipline. Though I had lost a once precious friend, I have gained a new lifestyle, a new outlook, and a new appreciation for health. Though I still enjoy the occasional cookie, my sweet tooth no longer defines me.