Posts by lightjade

lightjade

Nov 25, 2014

Scholarship / Essays for International Youth Camp on Anti-Corruption [3]

1) Why are you applying to participate in the International Youth Camp? If selected, what do you expect to gain from this experience?
Joining in the International Youth Camp will give me four advantages. Firstly, I will have a ~~big~~ chance to ~~learn deeper~~ glean deeper understanding about transparency and integrity in the light of [organization name]'s vision on supporting people around the world to live ~~within~~ free of corruption. Secondly, I would love to exchange ~~experiences~~ insights ~~between youth~~ about corruption cases in Asia and ~~[ts t#008000]its~~ anti-corruption prevention methods.~~which happened in Asia~~ . Thirdly, it is an opportunity to ~~participate in a youth~~ network with like-minded youths who share the same goals of eradicating corruption and fighting for fairness. Fourth, the corruption and anti-corruption topics correspond to my focus study in promoting sustainable education through implementing living values. Thus, these advantages will contribute to my self-development ~~personally and socially~~ as a daughter, a student, and a citizen.

Name three reasons why you think you should be selected to participate in the International Youth Camp!
~~The reasons I should be selected to participate in the International Youth Camp are,~~ First of all, I want to be ~~a role model~~an advocate who is proactive to fight against corruption ~~and care for~~ in my home country, Indonesia. although I have been studying abroad.(What is the relevance to your status as a foreign scholar? This is not clear.)~~Being silence as a foreign student in foreign country is surely not an option no more~~ Silence is no longer an option. Secondly, I will bring the passion of [organization name] on accountability, transparency, and integrity back to my community~~to the communities where I am involved, for instance student associations, social movements, and even in the youth organizations in the church~~(Three examples of community organizations are a bit excessive; choose one that you are most involved in or where anti-corruption would have the greatest impact) . ~~For the time~~ After I finish my ~~study~~studies abroad and ~~back to my home country (~~ return to continue ~~my career as a teacher)~~my teaching career(Are you currently studying a degree in teaching? If not, it should be 'a teaching career') , I ~~must be gladly to~~ would gladly share my experience to ~~the~~ students ~~in the school~~ and the people in the social events (such as, events arranged by [some organizations I'm involved in]) spread awareness to people attending social events for (your organizations). Third, I ~~really~~ want to share my living values on creating a~~free-corruption~~corruption-free environment ~~that have principally been~~ taught by my parent (How did your parent(s) teach you about anti-corruption? While your family may uphold integrity and transparency, it does not illustrate how you would have direct contact in learning about anti-corruption from your family. If you would like to bring this in, elaborate further) , ~~then I strengthen during my study in the university and my social activities.~~ These reasons also encourage me ~~to be optimist~~ to join anti-corruption activities in future ~~especially in the International Youth Camp~~ .

Hi Kartika,

I'm not sure if I was able to catch all your essay hiccups, so I hope others will contribute haha. Generally, your errors were minor, but it would tend to disrupt the flow of your responses. As a reader, I get the gist that you are a conscientious youth who is passionate about anti-corruption. However, there are times when you fail to stay grounded in your goals and it unintentionally gives an impression of you being somewhat superficial. I think you can really build on your background of being an Indonesian, and how rampant corruption has been detrimental to your home. Having lived in Indonesia for a few years ago, I can vividly recall corruption happening right on the streets, with the policemen asking for bribes. If you can illustrate the woes of corruption, the experiences you take away from this Youth Camp will seem to take deeper root. People screening the applications for these camps would look for visionaries who have the drive to apply their knowledge and eradicate corruption in their part of the world. Convince the reader of that and you'll be fine!

All the best!
Lightjade (Jamie)

lightjade

Nov 18, 2014

Writing Feedback / Does working with others lead to better results than acting as an individual? Score? [2]

Hi Sana,

I'd just like to weigh in on the content and feel of this essay, and since I'm not an expert, please take my comments with a grain of salt. I grasp your stance right off the introduction, and it is strong and impressionable, if not radical. Most people would go with the politically correct answer and have a balanced argument citing the merits of both working together and alone, but it's understandable why you take this viewpoint. However, I'm not sure what this essay is for, but if this is an essay prompt for university applications, I would say that this piece leaves a rather unpleasant impression of you.

I think you've grasped the crux of the issue: groupthink isn't the best, but have you considered that 'it takes a village to raise a child'? Your essay is a bit jarring with your examples, especially in the case of your own personal reflections of studying in groups. As a reader, I would write you off as a selfish and mercenary person, and most definitely not a team player. I'm not sure if you want to leave with that! I think if you can lead your anecdotes with less of how your friends are lecherous creatures, and more of how you learned that independence is important for personal growth (yes, discovering your strengths) and looking beyond a short-term goal of scores/good degree. If you have even more pivotal group work projects, perhaps with a community organisation, that have taught you that you need to pull your own weight to succeed, then it would be more believable. Your other example about Charlotte Bronte can border on condescending with regards to the women of that era (eg ...following others like a lost lamb). Instead of hinting that she was an independent woman amidst vapid housewife wannabes, her breakaway is more compelling to be argued as an empowerment of women. After all, she was more of a victim of circumstance perpetuated by the male-dominated society of the time. But natch, that's a matter of opinion!

Again, if this is geared towards leaving a favorable impression of your character, you would add a lot of value to this exposition by injecting humility. You ought to be a great person to know in real life right? :) Otherwise, if this essay is non-related to universities/scholarships, just ignore me haha.

I hope others help you with stylistic/grammatical help! All the best!

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Undergraduate / Half of a Whole (death of twin brother) Personal Statement [3]

Hi Mireya,

I'm very touched by this personal story, and it's really heartening to know that you became such a strong person because of it. Stylistically, I'd just like to point out that you should change variations in your sentence structures, because there is a considerable use of short/abrupt sentences. It would be more pleasing of you can spread those short sentences out for impact, and pepper along more complex sentences. Though, not to the extent that it becomes convoluted.

Story-wise, I'm blown away from the maturity of you being driven to excel, and to live in honor of your deceased twin. However, the paragraph that begins with 'Through the darkness that is life...', there is a lot of focus on the negative. There was also an opener, where you said you finally turned away from such anger and frustration to become a person who could laugh at life too, that is some place where you can inject a mini-story. Maybe tie in with the limited but joyful memories who you had with him when you two were still young. I know the darkness is there for dramatic effect, but you could bring light to an essay that is already heavy in meaning.

Finally, I'm a sucker for a great ending, and I think you have so much potential to leave a great impression on the reader. This shouldn't be done by an abrupt quote from this Greek philosopher, but instead end with something from you. Something that shows that you're in control of your demons.

All the best!

Cheerio,
Lightjade (Jamie L)

P.S. - I'd really appreciate it if you could spare a moment reading mine!

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Undergraduate / 'I spent plenty of time watching television' - your major and your school; why did you choose it? [3]

Hi Danyal,

I'll just pop a quick one here. I don't have much time to correct you on your grammar, but I hope you can consider my inputs! Your opening anecdote about your childhood. A cartoon/TV show with superheroes consulting engineers is a bit out of the ballpark for me unless I knew the specifics. It would be hard for the reader to connect with this plotline, especially for an American admissions officer who would see Ironman and Bob the Builder to be the closest thing to engineer heroes. If you want to continue forward with the TV angle, perhaps look for well-known/relatable shows and the intrigue/intellectual curiosity you had as a child that would carry into present day.

Also, another thing that drew a lot of question marks after reading your essay is still the big 'Why engineering at Northwestern'? Can you illustrate specific instances where engineering was so pivotal to you or your society? You don't need to expound on how you went to career fairs (though you can work with your inspiration from your father), or how you stumbled across Northwestern, but rather WHY this school was a clear choice. Facilities, research opportunities, internships, maybe? You need to tell the admissions officer that this is your end-game.

If you conclusion is anything to go by, becoming a Northwestern degree holder in engineering is the end of your dreams. In the limited remaining space that you have, show them what engineering could do in this world.

Cheerio,
Lightjade (Jamie L)

P.S. - If you could look at my essay, it'd be a great favor to me too! All the best!

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Undergraduate / "vegetarian manner of living would most beneficially influence the lot of mankind" Ignorance = Bliss [3]

Hi Rebecca,

Firstly, I admire your choice for being a vegetarian; despite being a tree-hugger of sorts, I never had the willpower to make the switch. It's an interesting belief to challenge, but from this essay, I can only infer that you're somewhat attuned to global issues of animal cruelty and environmentalism. This essay didn't tell me much about you, and I'm afraid that it's bordering on an expository essay (with facts, figures, quotes and all). As a disclaimer though, I'm probably your age and so I don't have a world of admissions wisdom behind me, but I hope I can help you a bit.

I think you need to approach your vegetarian lifestyle with a more personal angle. As I'm reading your essay, I'm picturing two friends who made the switch to veggies, and they both are sweet as pie. Are you someone who loves animals and the environment enough to cut off glorious protein off your diet? Or are you an assertive crusader of the herbivore cause, making your statement to be a vegetarian not just to change your own lifestyle, but for others? In short, hash out what drove you to change and how this is reflective of your personality.

Also, if you weren't born and raised to be a vegetarian, I'm sure there were some initial struggles. You could make a humorous anecdote on how you craved the 16oz T-bone steak, or how your friends were eating a scrumptious burger right before you. The best way to a man (or woman's heart, in my case) is FOOD. The more you awaken the senses through your essay, the more drawn in the reader will be. Then, tie it back down to your strength/willpower to stick to the regime for a greater good.

These facts and figures are great because it shows that you are a girl who knows your stuff, but take the edge of its expository angle and again, weave it into your story. Show how it appalls you that millions of livestock are killed each day, how football fields of lush rainforest are cut down for the sake of fast food burger patties, and how the production of meat has led to so much excess.

Finally, end strong. Not with a quote from some great thinker, but some witty sentence from YOU. It will be more memorable than a quote, but for that sucker-punch ending to come out, it has to tie into how the rest of your essay is written.

All the best!

Cheerio,
Lightjade (Jamie L)

P.S. - If you're free, could you do me the favor of helping my own thread? I'd really appreciate it!

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Undergraduate / Self realization - satisfaction breeds complacency and propels the mindset of mediocrity [6]

Hi Edward,

I'm just gonna leave a fast one because I have to get back to studying, but I think you can twist your story about defying the pastor a bit. I don't know if it's considered lying, but if you could talk about how you had a one-on-one after the sermon to apologise for sounding so impertinent. You could show how you listened to his points and opinions too, instead of immediately writing him off and declaring your way to be the best way. Then still round it back to why you were adamant in challenging this belief. Also, redirect your motivations towards becoming a great neurosurgeon and revolutionizing medicine away from that pedestal of self-glorification, and towards a more altruistic purpose of saving the world from suffering. If you have the gifts and self-motivation to do so, it would be awesome if you could show the school that you have the big picture in mind.

Cheerio,
Lightjade (Jamie L)

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Undergraduate / 'I have learnt to draw a distinction between passion and interest' - Agriculture and Life Sciences [4]

Hi Yung Ming,

Thanks for your input in my thread! I think you can post up your revised edits on your thread too, at least that's what I see around here too. I'm a bit pressed for time though so I can't guarantee that I'll read it in full, considering how I have my A-levels round the corner. I'm sure many other talented people would be willing to help, just go answer some threads to advertise! I came to this website rather late in the game too, since I don't have much guidance from my school's end regarding uni applications. With regards to your reply, I think I can only say that you should strike a good balance. Try to show character and passion that's driven by YOU, and explain why Cornell is your best bet to actualize your dreams. I wouldn't say that you have to regurgitate all that the school has to offer, but enough to show why it is your first choice beyond its brand name. I'm taking this essay prompt as part of the school specific written supplement for Cornell, and with such a big word limit, there's enough space for self praise and school praise!

Also, if you've focused your CA essay on your internship, it wouldn't sound redundant if you expounded on the other aspects of your gap year. Beyond the work experience, why did it benefit your growth as a person? Was it an adventure that led you to Cornell? Things like that, and again it can't be technical. More personal and to the point about YOU.

Hope this helps,
Lightjade

P.S. - I said filial daughter because I'm a girl, so I'm sorry if it came across as mixing up your gender, but thanks for clearing it up! :P

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Undergraduate / "Asking questions make you stupid" was a belief I always had, but I challenged it - COMMONAPP ESSAY [5]

Living in the society where we're often judged for every action we doall our actions , the belief of "Asking questions means you're stupid" has been in my head ever since I was teased for questioning everything in primary school. Ever since, ~~I felt a burden in my headfor having so many doubts.~~I was burdened by self-doubt

She quoted Reina Reyes: "we ask questions not because they matter. We do it because it matters we ask questions" ~~which caught my ears.~~HOw did this enlighten you?

I wouldn't regret having this belief back then, because I helped me to grow and mature. ~~I'm thankful I've grown wiser. I always question the moment I'm confused.~~ I ask questions to pre-empt problems and obstacles along the way - before they get worstworse . I learnt that asking question does not make you stupid, it just means that you're attentive to details. It means that ~~you're listening and taking your work seriously so that you won't leave any stones~~ you leave no stones un-turned in learning and are humble enough to accept that you're not Einsten. ~~It means that you are humble, that you are aware that you don't know everything but are willing to learn as you grow.~~

Hi Yuan Fang, you're generally on track with this essay and I can relate with the stigma of asking questions. I do agree with love11234 that grammar still needs work, some of which I have pointed out though I don't have the time to go through the whole thing. There's quite a bit of redundancy and excess, where I felt there were times where you could've gone straight to the point. Flesh out more on how YOU challenged the belief, perhaps on building up your internal struggle with asking questions and the fear of sounding stupid. Primary school was a long time ago after all, so there must have been a serious impediment to your inquisitive mind. The question wants you to be inspired by an event (Ms Hui's concern) but the crux is how you challenged yourself to grow out of your shell. Universities love curious learners, but they want to see what makes you tick.

I hope this helps, and thank you for your comments on mine!

Cheerio,
Lightjade (Jamie L)

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Undergraduate / 'I have learnt to draw a distinction between passion and interest' - Agriculture and Life Sciences [4]

As with most students nowadays, there comes a time where we ~~shall need to choose to specialize in a discipline~~must confront the choice of specialization that would~~which should~~ potentially leads to our career choice. There is the convention ~~that some may take the career after our parents~~filial children should follow their parents' footsteps, taking careers in medicine, architecture or engineering. ~~Then again there is an exception too, in my case, my father a property builder and my mum runs her own real estate firm but I took interest in neither.~~However, I'm an exception from the norm; as my interests deviated far from my father and mother's careers in property and real estate.

I have always enjoyed physics, and it was evident in my scholastic results. However much I have tried, I could not perpetuate the interests in physics to a life long vocation. I have learnt to draw a distinction between passion and interest; I passed eighth grade in piano since I was sixteen but has decided that music should only be a pastime interest for me. I'm not sure what this line is for, because it adds no value apart from the fact that you are bragging about your achievements in physics and piano, without relevance to your choice in course

Parental and peers' pressure were aplenty in the months leading to the A-level and SAT results. I have crossed the closing date for most universities application then. Out of filial obligation, I submitted my application for medical courses to universities in the United Kingdom and Hong Kong but the content in the personal statements were sadly lacking in enthusiasm and commitment. I went through the chilling agony and hallowing despair of ~~getting rejected each time the mail arrived~~receiving uncountable rejection letters ; ~~doubts about my ability began to mount mentally.~~and doubts began to form I felt that I needed the space to re-think about my future so I decided to take a gap year which earned the ire of my parents. What did you discover from the gap year?

Being in the company of many high achievers, I was worried that I would be relegated to the "under performed" category. Invariably the distance of some friendships grew wider as the inferiority crept in. I began to reach out to my school counselors to discuss the options available at tertiary level and sought out the advice of my teachers, family members along with doing adequate research on the internet. Taking a leaf from physics, I applied a methodological approach and gave rating to each of the key elements - degree courses, fees, requirement, career path, state and the university.

Besides talent and passion, employability was the cornerstone to my decision making process. I took a realistic broad view of the options that are available. I opted out of sciences and engineering as the field was too wide for me to pin-point a specialised field, but aimed to excel in a vocation that can and will be able to fit into multi-industries. Being a science based student, the importance of having a systematic procedure to perform a task was echoed throughout the various experiments I had carried out. This in short it should give me an edge in the social science faculty. I stumbled upon the thought of accountancy briefly when my father first proposed to me. Subsequently with a few close friends heading to Britain to study accounting and finance, the thought became a topic on my radar. I think I would enjoy that the opportunity to continue on with my education to be a professional accountant after I have graduated with my first degree. I found out that I could practise accounting across the globe; debit, credit and interpretation of financial data have a common denominator, it is almost a universal language. I then arranged to do a part time job at a auditor firm and it is then my interest is aroused and passion developed.

Coming from a closely knitted family, it would give me a great sense of accomplishment if I could physically and financially take care of my parents in their twilight years, just the way they have provided for theirs. Being able to pursue my desired major in the College of Agriculture and Life Science at Cornell University will definitely open gateways to many career opportunities and provide me the building blocks to achieve a life-long dream.

Just a disclaimer: I'm probably your age, applying for the Fall semester too (though not for Cornell ED), so take my advice with a grain of salt. I can tell that you set very high standards for yourself and you've put in a lot of thought into this essay. Yung Ming, you have a good command of the language, with only slight grammatical errors, but what I feel is that your essay does not POP. Cornell is a very prestigious school, and I'm sure the course that you're applying to is highly competitive too. However, you will not stand out if you're taking this essay with such a methodical approach. Coming from an Asian background too, I know the familial pressures of getting a respectable college degree, good career and being a filial daughter, and I know you'd like to relay that, but the last three paragraphs made your essay dull. Sure, you have interests in accountancy because of the career viability and your interest in crunching numbers, but wouldn't you agree that any other college could give you just as solid a foundation in this field? Ask yourself, WHY CORNELL? Admissions officers of these top-notch schools look for inspired students, with passions that cannot be explained by rational steps. Make it less driven by peer pressure to not be an under-performer, and show how you will deviate from your parents career norms. Finally, try and show them in your essay why Cornell's your ED, what is so distinguished about this course, y'know, to make them feel good.

All the best!

Cheerio,
Lightjade (Jamie L)

If possible, please help me with my common app essay too! :)

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Undergraduate / Self realization - satisfaction breeds complacency and propels the mindset of mediocrity [6]

First and foremost, I'd like to say that you'd fit right into Singapore, Edward. It's a good read, and it's true that there's no such thing as a free lunch in this world. However, what I get an overwhelming feeling that you come across to be self-absorbed and I fear that it can turn off the admissions officer. A bulk of your essay is about you, how admirable your challenge to the preacher was, and how you see yourself among great figures. Yes, the essay is supposed to shed light on your personality, but you're turning it into a mega-watt spotlight! The bigwig words that you throw in (eg aorta of impertinence, agree empirically) all seem to come out of a SAT vocab book, and takes away some of the ingenuity of essay. It's great to be ambitious and driven, but don't make it too much about standing out just for the sake of personal glory.

My advice (beyond some grammatical errors and hiccups in the flow) is to inject some humility into your essay. Be more approachable; more like a person I'd be curious to meet and see what motivates you, and even be friends with, rather than being a cut-throat rival.

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Essays / I'm very serious winning it but a bit confused where to start my scholarship 'personal' essay [4]

Hi Sanda, I think a strong essay would not be set in stone with a rigid structure specifically following the question. Illustrate how the lessons you learned from such experiences shaped your personal goals and how you'd actualize your hopes. Have an interesting life story with a memorable lesson to ground your essay. Usually, scholarship applications want to see what sort of person you are beyond your sterling academics and extracurriculars, and how awarding this scholarship to you would be a worthy investment to benefit society.

For example, I could write an anecdote about how I once met an illiterate elderly gentleman in the dead of night. He was unable to return home because the last bus had left and he had no money for a taxi. I'd show how we drove him home, and the realization that he lived with abject poverty and loneliness on a daily basis. From there, it would then shape my personal goals on championing the forgotten pioneers of my society, and how I hope to change that.

It boils back down to who you are and what defines you as a person! I hope this clarifies some doubts, but do wait on other contributors' opinions.

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Undergraduate / Life Amidst Death - Saturdays in the garden are my weekly treasures (Common App prompt 4) [5]

Hi there, I'm applying for ED (Nov 1st yikes), and I need to get this Commonapp essay out of the way before my upcoming A-levels (in a week too, double yikes!). I'd really appreciate any if you'd share any constructive criticism and thoughts that could help me improve! This topic has been said to be a pitfall of clichés, and it'll be a double whammy if my essay on a social issue AND a content environment is a flop. My wish is to not sound like a contrived and snotty applicant whose sole purpose in hospice volunteerism is to score brownie points in admissions. I'm more interesting than that (I hope), and I want the officers to see how important the issue of dying and ageing is important to me through this essay. I'm also in a conundrum about my title, if you have any ideas for that too, I'm really up for any suggestions. Thanks in advance!

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

Life amidst Death

Saturdays in the garden are my weekly treasures. The odour of fertiliser pellets and compost is nothing exciting, but one whiff of the musky air acts as an aphrodisiac, melting away the anxieties of the past week. Patting down the soil banishes all my worries, and pruning the thorny shrubs help me sever ties from the disquiet. Amidst the orchids and the koi ponds, the garden of Dover Park Hospice is the place I've helped to grow, and more importantly, a place where I've grown myself.

Maintaining this viridian shaded getaway comes at no easy price; our Sunflower Gardening dream team is seasoned in age and unmatched in passion for the garden. They prove that age and arthritis really isn't a hindrance in pursuing their interests. Uncle Philip would shuffle in, with glasses perched on his nose bridge, ready to inspect the new orchid buds and blooms. Aunties Elsie and Serene are devoted to their square-foot garden, showing off the literal fruits of their labour at any opportunity. Even when all of them are at least twenty years my senior, we chat up a storm like a group of high schoolers. It's incomprehensible that people only see their age and not their wealth of experience. They're certainly more industrious than I am!

Whenever I make rounds to collect the potted plants, I channel Sherlock Holmes and astutely observe the commotion. The aroma of mouth-watering local delights, brought in by visitors to satisfy their relative's cravings, linger in the air. Matrons of the wards congregate over the nurses' station, immersed in conversations peppered with Tagalog. The Gems Choir is by the piano, crooning an impassioned rendition of 'Country Road'. All the upbeat tunes draw in my oldies soul, but there's a greater magnetic pull for their wheelchair-bound fans. Without fail, a few of the elderly patients would take up the best seats in the house and hum along to the nostalgic melodies. Really, how can this lively place be society's definition of a death house?

As I return to the patients' bedsides, they're excited to have their 'pots of sunshine' return to them, and I'm glad to supply a piece of our comforting garden. Some faces are familiar, while some are gone, and some are new. They buzz with updates on the latest TV serial, funny anecdotes and grains of wisdom, and I'm drawn to their stories like bees to honey. What may be a reprieve from a dreary week to me is quiet solace for those who near their end of life. Moving on to the next ward is always bittersweet as I may not see these friendly faces again, considering how they don't usually stay beyond the average thirty days. Nevertheless, it is a privilege to see our labour of love in the gardens come to life in these patients.

The hospice garden is a juxtaposition of life blooming amidst a place of death; plants and patients blossom in this open hospice environment. Over my four years volunteering here, I've grown to appreciate this harmonious relationship of growth and life coming full circle. Respecting the sanctity of life and death has matured my perspective of Singapore: our society cannot progress without reconciling fear of death with the beauty of living, especially when the silver tsunami has washed along the question of graceful ageing and dying. Singapore needs to focus beyond the trees and see the forest, and look towards inclusive growth instead of the mindless pursuit of economic prosperity. I want to grow recognition for the pioneers who sowed the seeds of our young nation. I hope to nurture gardens of comfort for our elderly community, adding life to their last days and give them the opportunity to enjoy Paradise in our Garden City.

----

"We come from the earth. We return to the earth. And in between we garden." - Anonymous

(Word count: 645)

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Writing Feedback / Illiteracy cause and effect essay [6]

Hi Meagan,

I'm not a huge stickler for grammar and vocabulary so I don't have any other justifications for the substitutes, other than the fact that it's stylistic. In my opinion, the small changes in words help with the flow of the essay, nothing really technical.

1. On the rise/on the increase: 'On the increase' is less commonly used than 'on the rise' so sometimes it can be mistaken as an error in that sentence. It easily go 'Illiteracy rates are increasingly problematic in today's world'

2. The word 'fees' are usually more narrowed down in terms of education (ie tuition fees, school fees), so it's hard to encompass all the costs of an education under a phrase like 'educational fees'. I see what you're trying to say about families not being to afford both the actual costs of schooling and the intangible/invisible costs, but it's not the best way to lump it. Educational is an adjective to describe something that educates or pertains to education, hence it's not really appropriate here.

3. The choice between 'large' and 'huge' is a matter of degree, but huge comes across as more exaggerated.

I'm pretty sure that a more professional editor would be more useful in explanation (or editing your piece for that matter) because I'm just new here! I hope it helps a little more, but don't take my word as the be-all-end-all for your essay!

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Writing Feedback / Illiteracy cause and effect essay [6]

lliteracy has traditionally been viewed as largely a Third World problem. It is seen as having a effect on a country's development.

Discuss some of the causes of this problem and suggest the best ways to overcome it

It is true that ~~the~~ illiteracy rates , in some countries, have been on the ~~increase~~rise and been viewed as a Third World problem. This issue must be alleviated because it is global and many people are suffering.Elaborate more on why it is a Third World problem and the various forms of suffering that illiteracy causes (eg no social mobility, corruption and extortion of the illiterate poor).

There are many reasons for illiteracy. First of all, ~~the high level of~~ poverty is the main cause of the problem. Most poor families are unable to afford school fees for their ~~off-springs~~children ; therefore, these children skip schools and start working at an early age. For example, many young people ~~see labor jobs simply as a means of earning money~~would take up manual labor jobs because it provides an income to support their families , ~~and they are happy if they are able to cover their own living expense and support their family~~ . Another factor is poor educational systems. Most education institutions in developing countries are not designed to cope with ~~huge~~the large/high volume of students, due to poor infrastructure and a ~~lack~~shortage of ~~staff members~~teachers .

There are some measures available for educational authorities to consider when dealing with this problem. Firstly, public funds could be invested into regenerating the schools' infrastructure. Constructing new modern buildings and training more teachers would reduce some of the problem. Another solution to solve the issue is to provide free or low-cost education until tertiary levels. This will either encourage young people to go to public schools, or guarantee the efficient number of well-educated citizens.Here, you fall into the danger of listing ways that illiteracy can be addressed, without substantiating why those are the best ways to overcome it. Idealistically, governments would fulfill these aims, but they do not have unlimited funds to do so. Try and consider feasible solutions for governments of these Third World countries to implement, with their budgetary constraints in mind. Providing education to the rural poor requires a grassroots approach, not modern buildings. Some great resources are on the UN website, especially in relation the Millennium Development Goals.

In conclusion, poverty and the poor education system are two factors contributing to illiteracy rates. To deal with this problem, investment in school infrastructure and the introduction of free education are two viable solutions.

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Essays / I'm very serious winning it but a bit confused where to start my scholarship 'personal' essay [4]

Sanda3, I'm pretty sure no one else on the Internet can help define your personal goals and hopes for the future. I know it's pretty overwhelming to think about, but reflect on your own, then have an introspective discussion or with your mentor (teacher/parent/coach) to discuss your ambitions. Put some broad goals down to paper, and see whether you can weave a story from there. Essay wise, you can tell the reader about an experience that defined you as a person and awoken your dreams and hopes. Usually, it's easier to grow from a setback or challenge, so you can explore these angles. Depending on what the scholarship is for, perhaps you can relate it to how it will help you actualize these dreams!

All the best!

lightjade

Oct 29, 2014

Research Papers / Chinese tradition of eating moon cakes during the Mid Autumn Festival every Fall; playing the cello [7]

Hi there! I read this essay and I could easily relate to your love for mooncakes (white lotus paste for the win!) and internal struggle to conform, which is a plus point. However I feel that the focus on your Chinese roots is lost, and the impression is rather fleeting. It would be great to illustrate your love for your Asian identity, beyond the mooncakes, dimsum and Chinese swear words. It will strengthen your rebellion against the Asian stereotype, and give a richer definition of your background