Unanswered [11] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by xeber_97
Name: Kennysha Woods
Joined: Oct 30, 2014
Last Post: Oct 31, 2014
Threads: 2
Posts: 7  
Likes: 1
From: United States of America
School: Westover HS

Displayed posts: 9
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xeber_97   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Expression Through Hair - Common App Essay [7]

Okay, I made about 1 or 2 changes in word choice, and organized my new paragraphs into the essay. I think adding the discussion between my mom and I really emphasized the independence theme.

It's exactly 650 words. That made me laugh.
xeber_97   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Expression Through Hair - Common App Essay [7]

Oh, I immediately thought of this particular discussion after reading your message!

My mom wasn't appreciative of my unrelenting requests to change my hair, despite the daily complaints of teasing and pulling.
"It just won't look right," she exasperated. "When you're in public, you're a representation of me. If people saw your hair all over your head, they'd think I don't take care of you."

"But why would they care," I rebuked, "If I like it that way, then that's me."
"Other people don't think like that," she said, her authoritative tone indicating an end to the discussion.
Then, I deflated dramatically onto the floor, still burdened with the problems that came with the puff ball.

xeber_97   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / I will not sacrifice - Why BU is a good fit for me. [5]

Hello! I want to make sure I'm writing my response in a clear manner.
Prompt: In no more than 250 words, please tell us why BU is a good fit for you, and what specifically led you to apply for admission?

I refuse to sacrifice my interests and goals to attend a school that can't cater to both, and thankfully, I won't have to do so at Boston University. I want to study the Korean language as I obtain a Bachelor's degree in computer engineering - a feat that is nearly impossible at other colleges I'm applying to- and when I saw that I could major in engineering and minor Korean, I immediately started the application. As I pursue my studies, I plan to join a variety of clubs pertaining to my interests - including photography, writing, and dancing - and I'm determined to study abroad all over the world by the end of my college career. I want a school that will improve me academically, culturally, and socially; and because Boston University is capable of doing so, I know it's a good fit for me.

I feel it's too short, and doesn't have enough specifications when I mention improving academically, culturally, etc., but I don't how to provide specific things. Any suggestions/opinions?
xeber_97   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Admittedly, I was nervous: What would they think of me? [3]

Firstly, I recommend that in any place where you mention your story specifically as "my coming of age story" or "my transition", anything along those lines, should be taken out (excluding your concluding paragraph - which should only lead readers to the idea that you were talking about your coming of age). If you're answering a specific prompt, whoever you're submitting to will already know what you're talking about.

Also, I think the over essay could use some more order. In the beginning, you could focus completely on your story and it's emotions, and then go into how you changed from fear and apprehension to having a more positive outlook on your situation. What inspired you change? And lastly, what have you learned, and how has that lead you to adulthood? <--- answering this will give a better conclusion for your essay.

Overall, you've got the prompt (I'm assuming it's a common app one?) answered. Just some order change and condensing will enhance your response :D
xeber_97   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Whenever I went to summer camp we always played fish bowl - Penn supplement [3]

As a reader, I believe your essay answers the questions of the prompt, but the execution could be improved with minor changes to sentence structure and word choice.

For example, "I love a good argument, or more like a good debate. Whenever I went to summer camp we always played fish bowl. We were presented with a topic and two of us debated it out. My list of points would go on and on and I always enjoyed it. Being older, that is still something I love to do. This is why one of my goals is to go to law school. Specifically I want to go into family law." could be written as "I loved arguing and debating; whenever I went to summer camp, I played a game called 'Fish Bowl', and had to debate on any given topic. My points of argument were unrelenting, and joy would overtake me as the game went on. My love developed into a passion, and years later, I aimed to attend law school.

Changes like that. Also, putting the second paragraph with your last one would keep a sense of organization in your paper. Currently, your paper sounds like "1) interest, 2) why im a good fit, 3) back to interest". Any reader would appreciate an organized paper.
xeber_97   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Expression Through Hair - Common App Essay [7]

Thank you, vangiespen :D I'm glad to know I answered the prompt correctly! I came up with two paragraphs that answer your questions, and I was thinking of placing them below the paragraph starting with "Growing frustrated..."

With the puff ball, I couldn't get through a single school day without friends and teachers tugging or playing with my hair - without permission, and with no regards for how easy it was to mess it up - or the mentions of how I resembled a five year old. With the mass of hair on the back of my head, I wasn't taken seriously; and there was this swelling impulse in me to break the ponytail holders and let my natural hair free, while expelling the ridicule I received.

Eventually, I moved to the back seats of every classroom. The tugging and "Aren't you supposed to be in kindergarten?" jokes were repetitive and irritating; most importantly, I didn't feel like the growing young woman my mom claimed me to be. I felt disrespected, and disdain.


Again, thank you so much for your feedback!
xeber_97   
Oct 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Expression Through Hair - Common App Essay [7]

Prompt: "Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."

Hello! I'm not the best at writing essays, and I really need some outside opinions on my response. I'm worried I didn't answer it correctly. I want to submit this by Nov. 1st and help would be very much appreciated!

I wanted to try something different, and something my mom didn't necessarily approve.
My shoulders ached horribly as I pinned each of my hastily-made braids into tiny buns, and I hoped the hours of pain would prove worthy in the morning. Thankfully, they were, and instead of forcing my hair into a tight ponytail, I could rock the mess of tight springs and coils all over my head.

It was the first day of high school, and a newfound confidence washed over me. The walk from my front door to the bus stop became my personal runway. That is, until my mom commented on my hair.

"Why is all your hair all over that head? It looks messy," she said, astonished.
"It's cute," I replied.
"Alright, that's you looking scruffy," she said with a shrug.
I pursed my lips as I continued out the door. Sure, my hair seemed scruffy, but it was a cute kind of scruffy.
My ethnic hair was kept under the brutal maintenance of my mother. I attended a middle school where majority of my peers were white, and like any other mother, my mom worried about how well I fit in when my hair was "messy and scruffy". Because she couldn't afford a hairdresser, my days always started under the burn of a flat iron she held. I wiggled and whined, wondering if the scalp singes where worth having "normal" hair, and they weren't. Two hours after straightening and my hair returned to its original glory.

Growing frustrated, she made the puff ball my trademark hairstyle. It was painful to pull every strand past the small ponytail holder, but my mom approved of it. It looked neat, and boring. I felt limited, as if my hair was the only way I could express myself, and relay my love for my culture.

With the puff ball, I couldn't get through a single school day without friends and teachers tugging or playing with my hair - without permission, and with no regards for how easy it was to mess it up - or the mentions of how I resembled a five year old. With the mass of hair on the back of my head, I wasn't taken seriously; and there was this swelling impulse in me to break the pony tail holders and let my natural hair free, while expelling the ridicule I received.

My mom wasn't too appreciative of my unrelenting requests to change my hair, despite the daily complaints of teasing and pulling.
"It just won't look right," she exasperated. "When you're in public, you're a representation of me. If people saw your hair all over your head, they'd think I don't take care of you."

"But why they care," I rebuked, "If I like it that way, then that's me."
"Other people don't think like that," she said, her authoritative tone indicating an end to the discussion.
I deflated dramatically onto the floor, still burdened with the problems that came with the puff ball.
Eventually, I moved to the back of every classroom. The tugging and "Aren't you supposed to be in kindergarten?" jokes were repetitive and irritating; most importantly, I didn't feel like the growing young woman my mom claimed me to be. I felt disrespected, and disdain.

And I still was infatuated with natural hair. When I noticed colored women in public, with their hair sticking in a million different directions and how each curl and coil moved with their heads, I wanted to replicate that. There was an air of boldness and uniqueness in those women, which I sought to obtain.

My arrival to high school brought a sense of independence into my life. My school environment is more diverse, and luckily, that prompted my mom to relinquish the hairdressing responsibilities to me. And every morning, before I walk that runway, I make sure my hair is at its kinkiest and its curliest.
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