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Posts by Jesussaves
Name: Eleanor Daniels
Joined: Dec 10, 2014
Last Post: Dec 16, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  
From: America
School: homeschooled

Displayed posts: 4
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Jesussaves   
Dec 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / Proud to be Americans - cause, event, consequences essay about the American Revolution [3]

Thanks! I didn't have to do actual research though, so I think that it's fine to not put in any source references. I'll also fix the sentences that start with "And". My teacher won't mind the informal style, so I think I'm going to leave it that way, but it's good to notice. Probably other teachers will mind it, so I'll have to be careful. Thanks again!

-Eleanor
Jesussaves   
Dec 11, 2014
Research Papers / Slave Narratives; necessary work for the destruction of a corrupt and foul system [2]

I like it, but there's a couple things I would change.

"Many slave owners though it is fair" I would change to "many slave owners thought it was fair

"However, a lot of slaves who lived most of their life in this cruel and inhumane condition, showed it in their narratives." showed what in their narratives? Also, I would change the first half of that sentence to "However a lot of slaves who lived most of their lives in these cruel and inhumane conditions"

"Slave narratives are valuable sources about life of fugitive or former slaves that help us understand their life experiences." If you are talking about multiple slaves, say the lives not life. Also, don't talk about their lives twice in one sentence.

"Most of them were written to present the reality of slavery." You don't really mean the reality of slavery. Everyone knew about slavery. They just needed to know about how bad slavery was.

"Some of the narratives tell us how life of African Americans who had escaped from slavery to the safe North changed. " same deal with life. If there's multiple slaves, say lives. Also, "to the safe North" doesn't sound very good. Try something better.

"First narratives by African Americans slaves were published in eighteens century in England and in nineteen century" change it to "The first narratives by African American slaves were published in the eighteenth century in England, and in the ninteenth century...

"From 1760-1947, more than 200 book-length slave narratives were published in England and United states" change it to "From 1760 - 1947, more that 200 book - length slave narratives were published in England and in the United States..."

"Since most of the slaves were illiterate, they dictated book-length accounts of their lives to them" it's not clear who they dictated their stories to.

"Although many of the African Americans did not know handwriting," I would change to "Although many of the African Americans did not know how to write" It's clearer that way.

"Although they were punished for that, many of the slaves persisted in religious practice." I would change it to " although the were punished for it..."

"Also, since most of them were born in Africa, they usually characterized themselves as Africans and not slaves." That sentence has nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph.

"The tales written to inspire the abolitionist struggle are the most famous and arouse in the mid-1820s and ended with the Civil war." Too many "and"s. Also, "The tales written to inspire the abolitionist struggle are the most famous and arouse"? Is arouse a word? And you should probably change "and ended" to "and end".

"Most of them were intended to serve a propagandistic purpose and tend to focus on slavery as an institution rather than on individual consciousness" Love that sentence!

"The plot of the most of pre-Civil war slave narratives" don't put two "of"s right beside each other.

"Although it changed image of life in slavery of some people, majority still saw it as an issue, and the Civil war began." Bad sentence. Älthough it changed image of life" - that makes no sense.

"End to the Civil war and defeat of the slave states" don't say end to the civil war. It doesn't fit. Try something like "With the end of the civil war and..."

"I think it is important to keep a record of our history no matter how horrible things are" since history is in the past, put "are"in the past-tense.

"By having narratives from former slaves humanity we're able to better understand why the system was considered to be cruel and inhumane and to learn from the errors made in the past that would allow one human to treat another human in such as despicable manner. " Too long. Try splitting it up into two sentences, or simplifying it.

"The wise person will learn from the past. It is important to understand what slavery was like. Without first person accounts, there would be a big gap in our understanding of slavery. Slave narratives allow them to have a voice of their own. These were people who had been kept as powerless as possible. It is very important for them to have a voice and to be heard and acknowledged as people." To choppy. Try to blend the sentences together.

"and the end of slavery also marked the end of slave narratives." It isn't a very good concluding sentence. It doesn't sum up anything, and just says something new. Actually, it contradicts what you said earlier about the tales of progress. Try to think of something better, if possible.

Good luck!

Could you help me with mine?
Jesussaves   
Dec 10, 2014
Undergraduate / I want to be a person without limits. I want to be able to say "Oh yeah! I know how to do that!" [2]

Really good! I especially like the concluding sentence. A couple things though -

"But, along with this I want to be able to broaden my scope not only throughout my college career but after graduation as well."

I would split it up into two sentences - it feels a bit too long.

Also I would say "I believe that Syracuse University..." instead of saying "I feel as if..." It sounds a lot more decisive that way.

Good luck!
Jesussaves   
Dec 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / Proud to be Americans - cause, event, consequences essay about the American Revolution [3]

[write a cause, event, consequences essay about the American Revolution]

America was nothing but a group of English colonies, full of poor, uneducated farmers. This, England knew. So it was, that when it was agreed to tax the Americans, even though they had no representation in Parliament, the English thought that they would have no trouble. Yet England underestimated the pioneers. Men who had fought Indians, survived famines and blizzards, built their own houses and towns, planted their own crops and owned their own land were not the kind of men to meekly watch their rights be ignored. It was commonly known that, according to Bill of Rights, you couldn't tax people who had no representation in Parliament - yet that was what England had done. The Americans were furious, and several people started whispering about rebelling unless their rights were granted them. Still, King George the 3rd was not worried in the least, since he believed that soon everything would settle down. He grossly underestimated the Americans. The first act of rebellion was when a group of men and boys boarded a ship, and dumped all the tea it was carrying into the harbor. It was taxed tea. Everywhere tensions were high as the colonists waited to see what king George would do. And then it was the the king made his crowning mistake - instead of listening to the Americans, he sent soldiers to Boston, ordering that it's harbor be closed.

When the news reached America that their king was closing the Boston harbor, it was like putting a lighted torch into a lake of gasoline. Everywhere people gathered, protesting loudly against the injustice done them. They gave food to the people in Boston. And, secretly, every man sharpened his knife, made bullets, and waited. Then, on April 19, 1775, a shot was fired which was "heard around the world". A party of minutemen fought the English at the battles of Lexington and Concord, and won a decisive victory. Soon every farmer left their fields and marched to join the American army, which was being led by George Washington. On July 4th, 1776, the Declaration of Independence was signed. And, finally, although it took eight painful years, America won her freedom. King George was forced to admit that the army of "country bumpkins" had outsmarted him. But this was nowhere near the end of America's troubles.

Although America had won the war, she still had much work to go through before she would be able to hold her own against other countries. Financially she was in shambles, and was forced to borrow huge sums of money which would take years to pay back. Also, now that the English form of Government had been thrown off, it was necessary to form their own. Yet, in the end America succeeded. The thirteen colonies of proud pioneers became a nation of even prouder Americans. Today she is one of the most powerful nations in the earth. And still, although her citizens and bankers and lawyers instead of pioneers, her people are proud. Proud to be free. Proud of their heritage. Proud to call themselves Americans.
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