taura
Jan 1, 2015
taura
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / "Akari" - "Do you like Japanese boys?" [4]
This is still a rather rough essay, any and all suggestions would be extremely helpful. I know it's far from perfect, but I need it to be as good as possible to meet end of year deadlines. Thank you.
Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Akari turned to me and asked in her broken English, "Do you think Japanese boys are cute?"
I tried to mask my uncertainty. At thirteen, I'd given little thought to such things, but I didn't want to seem immature. Unsure of how to answer, I told her that I had never met any. She continued,
"What kind of boys do you like?"
Akari's normally soft voice was full of confidence, and for once her eyes did not dart down to her pocket translator. I swallowed uncomfortably.
"Oh, uh... tall, dark, and handsome."
I bit my tongue, and silently berated myself for my unoriginality, but Akari only nodded knowingly. Perhaps 'tall, dark, and handsome' wasn't such a cliché in Japan.
It's not often you experience a foreign culture without leaving home, yet in 2010 I was magically transported to Japan when Akari and her ESL class ventured into my hometown for a week of English immersion.
The day we met, Akari spoke very little. I worried that her silence meant she didn't like me. I spent the day vacillating between nervous chatter and awkward silence. Thankfully, this didn't last long.
As Akari and I sat together in church the next morning, neither of us really listening to the sermon, Akari slipped me a note written on the church bulletin. To my surprise, Akari's writing revealed a quick and witty personality, in stark contrast to the quiet girl who sat beside me. Our conversation took off, we quickly filled both sides of our paper with jokes and cute doodles. We discovered that we listened to many of the same American pop stars, although I didn't know any of the Japanese artists she mentioned. By the time church service ended, Akari's soft smile and light laughter told me I had a new friend.
After Akari flew back to Japan, we wrote each other often and our shared interests multiplied. At first only American culture was familiar to the both of us, but as I learned more about Japanese culture, my fascination increased. My appreciation for Japanese media inspired me to imitate the unique art style. As I practiced the techniques of "manga" artists, my personal art style evolved. Before I met Akari, I had little interest in art aside from drawing stick figure battles with my brother. Now the same church bulletins upon which Akari and I had established our friendship became subject to my artistic endeavors week after week. In my high school years, art became a central part of who I am, allowing me to connect with other art enthusiasts. When I receive compliments on my drawings, I often remind people that talent is a pursued interest. Akari is the one I have to thank for awakening that interest in me.
It's hard to say how different I'd be if Akari and I had never met. My exposure to Japanese culture crafted my interests in many areas from television, to art, to language. When I began studying Japanese, I did not anticipate it being particularly useful in the US. However, my uncommon interests resulted in instant connections and friendships with other like minded people. Akari lead me to discover my passion for languages, arts, and cultures. When I visit her in Hiroshima one day, I'll be sure to tell her "Arigato gozaimasu, Akari-chan." (Thank you, my dear friend.)
This is still a rather rough essay, any and all suggestions would be extremely helpful. I know it's far from perfect, but I need it to be as good as possible to meet end of year deadlines. Thank you.
Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Akari turned to me and asked in her broken English, "Do you think Japanese boys are cute?"
I tried to mask my uncertainty. At thirteen, I'd given little thought to such things, but I didn't want to seem immature. Unsure of how to answer, I told her that I had never met any. She continued,
"What kind of boys do you like?"
Akari's normally soft voice was full of confidence, and for once her eyes did not dart down to her pocket translator. I swallowed uncomfortably.
"Oh, uh... tall, dark, and handsome."
I bit my tongue, and silently berated myself for my unoriginality, but Akari only nodded knowingly. Perhaps 'tall, dark, and handsome' wasn't such a cliché in Japan.
It's not often you experience a foreign culture without leaving home, yet in 2010 I was magically transported to Japan when Akari and her ESL class ventured into my hometown for a week of English immersion.
The day we met, Akari spoke very little. I worried that her silence meant she didn't like me. I spent the day vacillating between nervous chatter and awkward silence. Thankfully, this didn't last long.
As Akari and I sat together in church the next morning, neither of us really listening to the sermon, Akari slipped me a note written on the church bulletin. To my surprise, Akari's writing revealed a quick and witty personality, in stark contrast to the quiet girl who sat beside me. Our conversation took off, we quickly filled both sides of our paper with jokes and cute doodles. We discovered that we listened to many of the same American pop stars, although I didn't know any of the Japanese artists she mentioned. By the time church service ended, Akari's soft smile and light laughter told me I had a new friend.
After Akari flew back to Japan, we wrote each other often and our shared interests multiplied. At first only American culture was familiar to the both of us, but as I learned more about Japanese culture, my fascination increased. My appreciation for Japanese media inspired me to imitate the unique art style. As I practiced the techniques of "manga" artists, my personal art style evolved. Before I met Akari, I had little interest in art aside from drawing stick figure battles with my brother. Now the same church bulletins upon which Akari and I had established our friendship became subject to my artistic endeavors week after week. In my high school years, art became a central part of who I am, allowing me to connect with other art enthusiasts. When I receive compliments on my drawings, I often remind people that talent is a pursued interest. Akari is the one I have to thank for awakening that interest in me.
It's hard to say how different I'd be if Akari and I had never met. My exposure to Japanese culture crafted my interests in many areas from television, to art, to language. When I began studying Japanese, I did not anticipate it being particularly useful in the US. However, my uncommon interests resulted in instant connections and friendships with other like minded people. Akari lead me to discover my passion for languages, arts, and cultures. When I visit her in Hiroshima one day, I'll be sure to tell her "Arigato gozaimasu, Akari-chan." (Thank you, my dear friend.)
taura
Dec 26, 2014
Undergraduate / The world I come from is practically non-existent -- visually, at least; Neuroscience UC Prompt #1 [8]
This is a very compelling essay, but some of the grammatical errors detract from your narrative. I'll focus my suggestions on the intro paragraph, and hopefully you can apply the principles throughout the rest of the essay.
"If you were to meet me, the first thing you would probably notice is that my sense of sight is lacking."
This phrasing is slightly awkward, you could rephrase it as something like "One of the first things people notice about me is my poor sense of sight." You might want to chose a more descriptive word than 'poor' however.
"As a child, my eyesight began to deteriorate, and as the progression of my visual impairment continued to worsen, I turned to my creative instincts to fill the void."
Too many commas, and the sentence is a little overly complex. I would simplify it. For example: "My eyesight began to deteriorate in childhood, and as my visual impairment worsened, I turned to my creative instincts to fill the void."
"Spending countless hours adorned in Victorian gowns, I was intrigued by the fact that I did not need to physically visualize its beauty."
You switch from present to past tense, and you have a pronoun antecedent disagreement. I would rephrase this as "I spent countless hours adorned in Victorian gowns, intrigued by the fact that I did not need to physically visualize their beauty."
"Running my hand across the faux taffeta silk, stumbling upon each bead that was inlaid into the crevices of the fabric, gave off a sensation that was enough for me to comprehend the elegance of each gown."
This is very powerful descriptive language, I can almost feel the gowns in my hand as you describe them. However it is marred by comma splices, which makes it harder to follow along. Again the tense feels inconsistent. Your descriptive language is one of your essays strengths, so I would definitely focus on making it as clear as possible.
"And with each gown emerged a new personality, polar to my own, that created a completely different world: the world of my imagination."
I would avoid starting sentences with "and". The punctuation isn't technically correct either. I understand what you mean by 'personalities', but I would consider using the word 'characters' instead. 'Personalities' may lead to the impression that you have multiple personality disorder.
"It is in this place that I am able to express the emotions that consume my thoughts; it is uniquely my own, and, for that, it is where I feel an utter sense of satisfaction."
Again improper punctuation distracts from what is a very beautiful thought. I love how you take the word 'place' mentioned in the prompt as not a physical location, but rather a mental 'place', one that wearing the dresses takes you. The punctation unfortunately hinders you, especially in "...my own, and, for that, it is...". This loses the reader and makes it confusing.
Overall, you have a very powerful story and vivid descriptions, but your story is crippled by mechanical errors. Simplifying sentences and improving clarity will go a long way towards improving your essay.
Good luck with your applications!
This is a very compelling essay, but some of the grammatical errors detract from your narrative. I'll focus my suggestions on the intro paragraph, and hopefully you can apply the principles throughout the rest of the essay.
"If you were to meet me, the first thing you would probably notice is that my sense of sight is lacking."
This phrasing is slightly awkward, you could rephrase it as something like "One of the first things people notice about me is my poor sense of sight." You might want to chose a more descriptive word than 'poor' however.
"As a child, my eyesight began to deteriorate, and as the progression of my visual impairment continued to worsen, I turned to my creative instincts to fill the void."
Too many commas, and the sentence is a little overly complex. I would simplify it. For example: "My eyesight began to deteriorate in childhood, and as my visual impairment worsened, I turned to my creative instincts to fill the void."
"Spending countless hours adorned in Victorian gowns, I was intrigued by the fact that I did not need to physically visualize its beauty."
You switch from present to past tense, and you have a pronoun antecedent disagreement. I would rephrase this as "I spent countless hours adorned in Victorian gowns, intrigued by the fact that I did not need to physically visualize their beauty."
"Running my hand across the faux taffeta silk, stumbling upon each bead that was inlaid into the crevices of the fabric, gave off a sensation that was enough for me to comprehend the elegance of each gown."
This is very powerful descriptive language, I can almost feel the gowns in my hand as you describe them. However it is marred by comma splices, which makes it harder to follow along. Again the tense feels inconsistent. Your descriptive language is one of your essays strengths, so I would definitely focus on making it as clear as possible.
"And with each gown emerged a new personality, polar to my own, that created a completely different world: the world of my imagination."
I would avoid starting sentences with "and". The punctuation isn't technically correct either. I understand what you mean by 'personalities', but I would consider using the word 'characters' instead. 'Personalities' may lead to the impression that you have multiple personality disorder.
"It is in this place that I am able to express the emotions that consume my thoughts; it is uniquely my own, and, for that, it is where I feel an utter sense of satisfaction."
Again improper punctuation distracts from what is a very beautiful thought. I love how you take the word 'place' mentioned in the prompt as not a physical location, but rather a mental 'place', one that wearing the dresses takes you. The punctation unfortunately hinders you, especially in "...my own, and, for that, it is...". This loses the reader and makes it confusing.
Overall, you have a very powerful story and vivid descriptions, but your story is crippled by mechanical errors. Simplifying sentences and improving clarity will go a long way towards improving your essay.
Good luck with your applications!
taura
Dec 15, 2014
Undergraduate / "Peter Pan" - Piece of literature that has inspired you - UVA Supplemental Essay [4]
This is a very good quality essay, I only have a few possible suggestions.
"We find out all of the fantasy characters of our childhood..."
I would leave out "all of" so that the "all along" is more emphatic. Just a nitpicky suggestion.
"...replaced with wishes to an acceptance to our top choice university."
A little awkward, I would replace "an" with "gain" to sound a bit more natural.
"My favorite movie is Peter Pan."
Felt kind of abrupt, it'd be great if you could tie it in with the preceding sentence somehow, like "This price of adulthood is the basis of my favorite movie, Peter Pan," or something along those lines.
"Peter Pan preaches the importance of growing up, but at the same time not losing sight of the dreams you once had."
I would replace "but at the same time not" with "without" for conciseness and clarity.
Overall, I think it could benefit with a little more of a personal element. You touch on the end with how it inspired you, but a specific example of that would be nice. Or you could alter the intro to be less of the generalized "we" and more of your personal POV.
I hope some of these ideas were helpful!
This is a very good quality essay, I only have a few possible suggestions.
"We find out all of the fantasy characters of our childhood..."
I would leave out "all of" so that the "all along" is more emphatic. Just a nitpicky suggestion.
"...replaced with wishes to an acceptance to our top choice university."
A little awkward, I would replace "an" with "gain" to sound a bit more natural.
"My favorite movie is Peter Pan."
Felt kind of abrupt, it'd be great if you could tie it in with the preceding sentence somehow, like "This price of adulthood is the basis of my favorite movie, Peter Pan," or something along those lines.
"Peter Pan preaches the importance of growing up, but at the same time not losing sight of the dreams you once had."
I would replace "but at the same time not" with "without" for conciseness and clarity.
Overall, I think it could benefit with a little more of a personal element. You touch on the end with how it inspired you, but a specific example of that would be nice. Or you could alter the intro to be less of the generalized "we" and more of your personal POV.
I hope some of these ideas were helpful!
taura
Dec 15, 2014
Undergraduate / I was waiting to fall in love, and my visit to Duke flipped me head-over-heels; supplement essay [5]
Thank you SO much, that was very helpful! I was really struggling with that last sentence. Now it's "The electric air of creativity and passion for learning is what I've found is unique to Duke and what has captured my heart." which isn't perfect but it's a lot better than what I had before. All of your suggestions were great, and I'll try to return the favor. Thanks again!
Thank you SO much, that was very helpful! I was really struggling with that last sentence. Now it's "The electric air of creativity and passion for learning is what I've found is unique to Duke and what has captured my heart." which isn't perfect but it's a lot better than what I had before. All of your suggestions were great, and I'll try to return the favor. Thanks again!
taura
Dec 15, 2014
Undergraduate / I was waiting to fall in love, and my visit to Duke flipped me head-over-heels; supplement essay [5]
Prompt: "If you are applying to the Trinity College of Arts and Sciences as a first year applicant, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something particular about Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to no more than 150 words."
I was waiting to fall in love, and my visit to Duke flipped me head-over-heels. When I began my college search I was reluctant to believe in the Hollywood-esque idea of a "dream school", yet couldn't deny it appealed to me. I spent hours online reviewing colleges that ended up failing to impress in person. Duke was the exception. When I attended the Arts and Humanities Open House, the butterflies in my stomach persisted as my enthusiasm grew with every step I took. Doubtlessly, the academic rigor and prestige of Duke appealed to me, but what truly thrilled me was the passion and enthusiasm of the students and professors. The university's most memorable feature was not it's iconic chapel, but the incredible Blue Devils inhabiting it's campus. That electric air of creativity and passion for learning is something I've found no other school to possess the way Duke does.
Any assistance appreciated, and I will definitely return the favor. Thank you!
Prompt: "If you are applying to the Trinity College of Arts and Sciences as a first year applicant, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something particular about Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to no more than 150 words."
I was waiting to fall in love, and my visit to Duke flipped me head-over-heels. When I began my college search I was reluctant to believe in the Hollywood-esque idea of a "dream school", yet couldn't deny it appealed to me. I spent hours online reviewing colleges that ended up failing to impress in person. Duke was the exception. When I attended the Arts and Humanities Open House, the butterflies in my stomach persisted as my enthusiasm grew with every step I took. Doubtlessly, the academic rigor and prestige of Duke appealed to me, but what truly thrilled me was the passion and enthusiasm of the students and professors. The university's most memorable feature was not it's iconic chapel, but the incredible Blue Devils inhabiting it's campus. That electric air of creativity and passion for learning is something I've found no other school to possess the way Duke does.
Any assistance appreciated, and I will definitely return the favor. Thank you!