Undergraduate / Books for pleasure / Eragon's impact - CMU [14]

You know what, if it had a great impact on you, then you should definitely keep it!

However, the way you structured it is awkward, and doesn't convey a lot of meaning to a regular reader. They might go, "What? Waking out? A shell? Is he hibernating?" And if you mean, "Poke my head out of my shell", then we'll have to stay away from that because it's cliche. But the whole "confident in my decisions" and "stand strong in my beliefs" already shows that you're coming out of your shell, don't ya think?

Soooo... That said, let's try it like this:

The more I read about Eragon in the Inheritance Cycle, the more I began to think like the protagonist ; his selfless sacrifices, incredible compassion, and a gradual maturity in character inspired me to be confident in my decisions, strengthen precious familial ties, and to stand strong in my beliefs, which were all things I struggled with before.

Yikes, I don't know how I even feel about this. I think I'm completely pooped out. What I was trying to do was to replace "As a teen, I can relate with the..." because you can essentially take that out and substitute in a sentence portion that goes into more detail.

You try!

Undergraduate / I am an anarchist. No-a rebel. Chemical Engineering... at YALE? [7]

Haha hmm, I think someone's hinting at something.. :]
but of course! I'd be glad to read your Cornell essay.

Undergraduate / Books for pleasure / Eragon's impact - CMU [14]

If you like it, send that baby in!

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement: Liberation from the Social Machine [8]

Great beginning!
I do have a few minor suggestions however.

The first few sentences are very eye-catching, but your use of high vocabulary words seems to come off as..excessive. While it's great to have a few of those scattered about to show off your knowledge, the adcom doesn't like their applicants to sound like a walking thesaurus. I suggest switching out some of these words like "inundating" and "invectives" for more simpler terms.

Like compliments, the epithets came I don't think epithet is the right term here. Even if you kept it in, it's still a little confusing and doesn't provoke strong imagery

Okay, to be honest, after skimming the next few lines, I stopped reading. I don't mean to come off as too harsh, but your choice of words, like ben_mayo said, makes it a lot more difficult to read, even for an adcom with sophisticated education. From your stylistic techniques, I can tell you're a very good writer. You don't need those fancy words to prove it anymore. Maybe try toning down your vocabulary and use more colloquial terms. While you do want to come off as "Smart", you also want to make sure your essay flows well and is easy to read.:)

So first, try cutting out those really excessive terms to make your essay a lot more easily readable.
Post your second draft, and I can review that again if you want.

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement: Liberation from the Social Machine [8]

Okay, I understand it a lot better!... or I could be getting it all wrong.
So, you helped your friend battle through her depression by acting as her sanctuary, right? You provided her love, laughter, and meaning to the world, by blocking out society's poisonous expectations and selfish desires.

That is what you should be focusing on. You need to focus on you! :) The vivid descriptions about your friend's pain would be awesome if you were writing a novel, but the prompt is asking about how you were affected and how your perspective on the world changed. Cut down on your friend's experiences, and write more about yours. In the end, the adcom doesn't care about your friend. They care about you and what you have to offer to them.

You mention artistic passions, but then you never delve into them.

I love how you incorporated musical terms within this essay. It's very powerful and works very effectively.
But now, alas, I've got to point out a few sentences whose choices of words could be improved.

And, in that moment of catharsis, of apotheosis,
these aspirations burgeoned, untainted by avarice.
The meaningless social machine - the basin that implanted Machivallian creed, the darkness that disseminated sin Okay so I like the first point, because that makes sense with what you're trying to convey, but I think you can delete "the darkness that disseminated sin". It's effective without this portion.

Keep working on this!!

Undergraduate / "I don't feel you're well suited for the role of the King"; essay about a time I experienced failure [3]

This is a really really good essay already. It's comical, lighthearted, yet it's a lot more interesting than one would expect from an essay about a beard.

Just a few minor suggestions:

Your last paragraph is probably the most important. You show us how you matured, how your character developed, and your mindset changed. Focus on that. Elaborate more on what you learned from this failure. As I was reading your essay, I found myself asking this question a lot : "Where in the world did he think that he needed a beard to ensure his spot in the play?" You answer this with your sentence "Developing A character is more than just having the looks; rather, it takes a lot of effort and patience in fully developing a character, something I had completely forgotten." But it was only one sentence.

Try shifting your focus on your failure to what you learned from it.

Once you do so, I believe you'll have a really solid essay. Good work!

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement: Liberation from the Social Machine [8]

Oh I deleted it because I wanted to write a whole entire new one :)
When I post it up later, can you take a look at it?

And no problem!