yoman316
Jan 21, 2015
Undergraduate / "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness" - An issue important to you [3]
Thank you, will do.
Thank you, will do.
yoman316
Jan 21, 2015
Undergraduate / "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness" - An issue important to you [3]
Hello again. I got some really good advice the last time so I'm back in hopes of getting help again.
The prompt asks:
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts." Mark Twain evoked the significant social impact traveling brings about. Today, many issues arise from the ignorance of those who have not experienced another culture's life. Travel is the one portal to eliminating the hatred in our societies heart. Hatred against a group of peoples such as Jews, blacks, Asians, Hispanics, and foreigners can all give way with travel.
Native Ukrainians are rallying and fighting Pro-Russian separatists, The French animosity of Islam is spreading, and prejudices in the United States endures. Blaming or stereotyping the essence of one group off of a minority with a similar background such as the belief that all Islam's are terrorists when in fact Jihadists only make a fraction of Islam is poignant to everyone. Not only
We as a country, as a community, and as humans must come to see the different culture and to not be ethnocentric.
Racism and prejudices begin within the family and often last for a lifetime, yet even the most devoted racist can change his or her views with one step outside of their country. Thieves, thugs, or gang members can transform into hardworking, spirited, and hospitable people in the eyes of the intolerant through traveling.
Traveling should not be a one sided activity. Both sides, Ukraine to Russia and Russia to Ukraine, Iraq to France and France to Iraq, the U.S. to the World, and the World to the U.S. should experience each other's cultures. A white racist of African American people may renew into a person offering a lending hand to erect a new black church. A religious narrow-minded Muslim may convert into an advocate for peace.
As a child, I knew little of Qatar's geography let alone that my family would reside there. I am convinced that experiencing another culture made me a more acceptant individual. I admired how Muslims lived, marveled at their loyalty to their religion, craved to gain their desire to learn, and I treasured their innate desire to become more open to the western world.
The world has to be open enough to accept the challenges that come with tolerating different cultures. Traveling has made me more tolerating of different cultures and I believe traveling will make the world a more tolerant place.
I dont know if this is strong enough or if I'm being too broad in my issue. Please let me know if I need to fix this.
THANKS
Hello again. I got some really good advice the last time so I'm back in hopes of getting help again.
The prompt asks:
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts." Mark Twain evoked the significant social impact traveling brings about. Today, many issues arise from the ignorance of those who have not experienced another culture's life. Travel is the one portal to eliminating the hatred in our societies heart. Hatred against a group of peoples such as Jews, blacks, Asians, Hispanics, and foreigners can all give way with travel.
Native Ukrainians are rallying and fighting Pro-Russian separatists, The French animosity of Islam is spreading, and prejudices in the United States endures. Blaming or stereotyping the essence of one group off of a minority with a similar background such as the belief that all Islam's are terrorists when in fact Jihadists only make a fraction of Islam is poignant to everyone. Not only
We as a country, as a community, and as humans must come to see the different culture and to not be ethnocentric.
Racism and prejudices begin within the family and often last for a lifetime, yet even the most devoted racist can change his or her views with one step outside of their country. Thieves, thugs, or gang members can transform into hardworking, spirited, and hospitable people in the eyes of the intolerant through traveling.
Traveling should not be a one sided activity. Both sides, Ukraine to Russia and Russia to Ukraine, Iraq to France and France to Iraq, the U.S. to the World, and the World to the U.S. should experience each other's cultures. A white racist of African American people may renew into a person offering a lending hand to erect a new black church. A religious narrow-minded Muslim may convert into an advocate for peace.
As a child, I knew little of Qatar's geography let alone that my family would reside there. I am convinced that experiencing another culture made me a more acceptant individual. I admired how Muslims lived, marveled at their loyalty to their religion, craved to gain their desire to learn, and I treasured their innate desire to become more open to the western world.
The world has to be open enough to accept the challenges that come with tolerating different cultures. Traveling has made me more tolerating of different cultures and I believe traveling will make the world a more tolerant place.
I dont know if this is strong enough or if I'm being too broad in my issue. Please let me know if I need to fix this.
THANKS
yoman316
Jan 21, 2015
Scholarship / What are your career plans and how might they be consistent or contribute to mission of the program [3]
Hi,
here are my recommendations.
Instead of My goal is to incorporate myself
My goal is to involve myself.
I always considered Mechanical Engineering interesting and have been greatly inspired by the times I've worked with relation to the field.
I have always taken an interest in mechanical engineering and the times I've work in_____
You have to be more detailed when you say "that relations to the field."
I recently helped out someone on two cars
While recently helping someone on two cars I examined...
hope that helps.
Hi,
here are my recommendations.
Instead of My goal is to incorporate myself
My goal is to involve myself.
I always considered Mechanical Engineering interesting and have been greatly inspired by the times I've worked with relation to the field.
I have always taken an interest in mechanical engineering and the times I've work in_____
You have to be more detailed when you say "that relations to the field."
I recently helped out someone on two cars
While recently helping someone on two cars I examined...
hope that helps.
yoman316
Jan 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Today, life is easier and cozier than it was then out grandparents were young. [2]
The Idea that today is easier than the past is interesting. First I would explain what you mean by "Fear of Failure." Why do you believe the current generation fears failure more than the past? I would think that because of our ease of access to technologies that write, read, and correct our work i.e. texting and auto correct, people expect to see error free work. Instead of saying the current generation has "Darkness in their hearts" be straightforward and say they have technologies or access to technologies that make their life easier. In essence you can split the paragraphs into, the past generation and state that today is harder, second paragraph explain how technology makes life easier, third paragraph explain how technology creates more stress, then conclude whether the old or present is easier. remember to use examples in each body paragraph too such as the old generation expected more delays and were more patient.
Hope I helped.
The Idea that today is easier than the past is interesting. First I would explain what you mean by "Fear of Failure." Why do you believe the current generation fears failure more than the past? I would think that because of our ease of access to technologies that write, read, and correct our work i.e. texting and auto correct, people expect to see error free work. Instead of saying the current generation has "Darkness in their hearts" be straightforward and say they have technologies or access to technologies that make their life easier. In essence you can split the paragraphs into, the past generation and state that today is harder, second paragraph explain how technology makes life easier, third paragraph explain how technology creates more stress, then conclude whether the old or present is easier. remember to use examples in each body paragraph too such as the old generation expected more delays and were more patient.
Hope I helped.
yoman316
Jan 21, 2015
Undergraduate / First generation US-born citizen - Texas [3]
Okay so I have just finished writing my draft for my first essay to the University of Texas and I need some input.
The prompt comes from Texas university.
"The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities."
My essay:
Growing up as a first generation American-born-citizen was difficult and even more so while being raised by a single mother and two older siblings. At times, my mother could not afford paying for oil during the winter to heat our showers or even keep the electricity going. Moving homes was a constant activity, which prevented me from making lasting friends and from sticking with sports teams or clubs. A profound scar was left on me as well as on my academic life.
As a child I had no bedtime, no adult to tell me to read, or parent to tell me to work hard in school. While it was easy to fall in the hands of laziness, danger, and dropping out of school, I contended to be a great student. I remember structuring my day so that I would be in bed before eight every night. I remember saving my money and waiting for the book fair so that I could buy a book to read. I remember receiving my report card and telling myself that next time I will do better. I remember begging my mother to put me into piano lessons after trying to teach myself. It was my drive that prevented me from dropping out of high school as both my older brothers did before me. I guided myself to be the best that I could be yet high school was especially troubling for me.
Starting my freshman year of high school I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder all of which hindered my social and academic life. I kept to myself and avoided any outside communication with friends, teachers, and even with my own family.
As my graduation approached, I began to own up to my problems. I began to be more social, more focused, more positive, and more active. My life gradually began to move past the darkness. Becoming an editor for my high school newspaper showed me that working hard does lead to good things and that same year, I had the opportunity to travel to Greece, which opened my eyes and heart to a more positive and peaceful life. I began to work harder to increase my GPA and even started attending school events! I now know how corrosive the depression, anxiety, and OCD was on my life but today I can say, with gratification, that the shadow remains behind me. It was a tormenting battle but it was a necessary one.
My first year in college was the time to prove to myself that I would do better than I did the previous years and I did prove it. I became the president of the adventure club and I was motivated to become the best student in my classes. I will continue to prosper and I hope Texas can see that valuable ability within me.
I wish to enroll to the University of Texas at Austin at this point because I need to be a more independent and major focused student and I will be at Texas. Attending Texas is my next step to prove that I can do better. I will continue my fight and do better at Texas. I hope the University of Texas can understand the hardships and compromises that affected my life yet understand the determination I grasp.
let me know if i should change anything.
Okay so I have just finished writing my draft for my first essay to the University of Texas and I need some input.
The prompt comes from Texas university.
"The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities."
My essay:
Growing up as a first generation American-born-citizen was difficult and even more so while being raised by a single mother and two older siblings. At times, my mother could not afford paying for oil during the winter to heat our showers or even keep the electricity going. Moving homes was a constant activity, which prevented me from making lasting friends and from sticking with sports teams or clubs. A profound scar was left on me as well as on my academic life.
As a child I had no bedtime, no adult to tell me to read, or parent to tell me to work hard in school. While it was easy to fall in the hands of laziness, danger, and dropping out of school, I contended to be a great student. I remember structuring my day so that I would be in bed before eight every night. I remember saving my money and waiting for the book fair so that I could buy a book to read. I remember receiving my report card and telling myself that next time I will do better. I remember begging my mother to put me into piano lessons after trying to teach myself. It was my drive that prevented me from dropping out of high school as both my older brothers did before me. I guided myself to be the best that I could be yet high school was especially troubling for me.
Starting my freshman year of high school I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder all of which hindered my social and academic life. I kept to myself and avoided any outside communication with friends, teachers, and even with my own family.
As my graduation approached, I began to own up to my problems. I began to be more social, more focused, more positive, and more active. My life gradually began to move past the darkness. Becoming an editor for my high school newspaper showed me that working hard does lead to good things and that same year, I had the opportunity to travel to Greece, which opened my eyes and heart to a more positive and peaceful life. I began to work harder to increase my GPA and even started attending school events! I now know how corrosive the depression, anxiety, and OCD was on my life but today I can say, with gratification, that the shadow remains behind me. It was a tormenting battle but it was a necessary one.
My first year in college was the time to prove to myself that I would do better than I did the previous years and I did prove it. I became the president of the adventure club and I was motivated to become the best student in my classes. I will continue to prosper and I hope Texas can see that valuable ability within me.
I wish to enroll to the University of Texas at Austin at this point because I need to be a more independent and major focused student and I will be at Texas. Attending Texas is my next step to prove that I can do better. I will continue my fight and do better at Texas. I hope the University of Texas can understand the hardships and compromises that affected my life yet understand the determination I grasp.
let me know if i should change anything.
