Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Online Sales for retail sectors in New Zealand [2]

Your summary is very good. Well written and easy to understand. However, I have a few suggestions.

I suggest removing the word "also" in the second sentence. There is no need for it as it only creates confusion; implying that the clothes percentage decrease was similar to the travel decrease. By removing the word "also" you can make a more clear and to-the-point sentence.

In your second paragraph you write out "twenty two percent" instead of using numbers. While this does not matter overall, it looks strange going back and forth between writing it out and using numbers.

I suggest rephrasing the third and fourth sentences while combining them. It will make it sound more natural and fluent. You will also be able to use numbers for your percentages as well. For example:

"In the year 2013 the percentage of book sales was 22%; there was also a significant increase in sales for film/music with a rise of roughly 10%."

Or something along those lines. While writing for an essay, quiz, or test, you want to get straight to the point and use as few words as possible while still getting your point across. I know this might seem odd considering they ask you to write at least x amount of words, but the more fluff you add the more the sentence seems off somehow.

For example, the two sentences below are exactly the same in terms of meaning, but one contains unnecessary words.

"By taking my dog for a walk outside I have not only shown improvement in my leadership skills, but also in my maturity level."

"By taking my dog for a walk I have shown improvement in both maturity level and leadership skills."

That is something I want you to remember when writing. Overall you are a very good writer and I think you are definitely on the right track. Keep up the good work!

Writing Feedback / The cool night breeze whistled softly, blowing lightly through my hair [5]

I will say it was quite intriguing to read I thoroughly enjoyed it. I see great potential in this beginning.

One thing I suggest is to offer a smoother transition between the second and third paragraph. One minute you are opening a door and the next you are lying in bed. Perhaps something mentioning you climbing into bed would help; as I had to read the first few sentences of the third paragraph before I fully understood that you are now in your bed.

Other than that, I see multiple ways for this story to go. The first is that you could be dreaming this entire time. The second more interesting idea is that that you are the monster but don't know it. You go back and forth between realities not knowing you are actually what your brother is afraid of.

...a monster with sharp claws and jagged teeth. Though it somehow seemed all so familiar. Why though? I pondered this thought until I heard a scream from the kitchen...

Something like that to continually give hints to your audience that you are the monster. Just something to consider. Either way I look forward to hearing the rest. Cheers!

Writing Feedback / Ageing population worldwide in 2000 and predictions for 2050. IELTS-1 [2]

"Overall, the number of elderly people is expected to grow in all parts of the world, with the world total's index rising from 10 per cent to over 20 per cent."

You can shorten this sentence by removing the word "overall" and its comma as they add no information to the sentence. You can also shorten it by removing the additional "percent" as you have already stated it once. Try removing some of the words that offer no additional information and you can usually shorten your sentences and get straight to the point. Something like this:

"The number of elderly is expected to grow in all parts of the world; with the world total's index rising from 10 to over 20 percent."

I was able to shorten this sentence significantly by removing the "fluff" and keeping the details straight and to the point. Keep this in mind when writing in formal English.

"However, those three parts of the world are expected to present the most dramatic changes in the figures. It is predicted that by 2050, the figures will increase almost threehold in Asia and Latin America; in Africa, they will more than double."

Be careful when using the word "however." Unless you are specifically contrasting it against something, it can quickly add unnecessary words to a sentence.

Overall thoughts:

Aside from a few grammar mistakes, you are right on track in terms of getting straight to the point. I think some things you may need to work on is getting rid of "fluff" words. Try using the least amount of words possible while still retaining what you want that sentence to say. A good way to do this I found is to say the sentence out loud; both with and without the "fluff" word in question. If the sentence retains 100 percent of its original meaning without the word, then it is safe to remove.