Unanswered [9] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

IELTS Writing Task 1: Online Sales for retail sectors in New Zealand

somasalims 15 / 27 5  
Mar 4, 2015   #1
The pie charts compare the proportion of online shopping sales for retail sectors between 2003 and 2013 in New Zealand. It is noticeable that the percentages of travel and clothes dropped, whilst film and books experienced an increase during the period.

By far the largest proportion of online sales was travel and the second was clothes in 2003. However, 2013 witnessed a significant decline of both sectors. The percentage of travel decreased from 36% to less than a third, while that of clothes also recorded a dramatic fall of precisely 8%.

On the other hand, the online shopping sales for film/music and books had risen for a decade. In 2003, the proportion of online sales for books was less then a fifth, whereas that of film/music was more than a fifth. Twenty two percent of online sales was experienced by books in 2013. The year saw a more significant increase for that of film/music, with a rise of roughly 10%.

  • Online Sales for retail sectors in New Zealand
audley - / 3 3  
Mar 4, 2015   #2
Your summary is very good. Well written and easy to understand. However, I have a few suggestions.

I suggest removing the word "also" in the second sentence. There is no need for it as it only creates confusion; implying that the clothes percentage decrease was similar to the travel decrease. By removing the word "also" you can make a more clear and to-the-point sentence.

In your second paragraph you write out "twenty two percent" instead of using numbers. While this does not matter overall, it looks strange going back and forth between writing it out and using numbers.

I suggest rephrasing the third and fourth sentences while combining them. It will make it sound more natural and fluent. You will also be able to use numbers for your percentages as well. For example:

"In the year 2013 the percentage of book sales was 22%; there was also a significant increase in sales for film/music with a rise of roughly 10%."

Or something along those lines. While writing for an essay, quiz, or test, you want to get straight to the point and use as few words as possible while still getting your point across. I know this might seem odd considering they ask you to write at least x amount of words, but the more fluff you add the more the sentence seems off somehow.

For example, the two sentences below are exactly the same in terms of meaning, but one contains unnecessary words.

"By taking my dog for a walk outside I have not only shown improvement in my leadership skills, but also in my maturity level."

"By taking my dog for a walk I have shown improvement in both maturity level and leadership skills."

That is something I want you to remember when writing. Overall you are a very good writer and I think you are definitely on the right track. Keep up the good work!

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Online Sales for retail sectors in New Zealand
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳