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Posts by zam614
Joined: Jul 12, 2009
Last Post: Aug 16, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 20  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 22
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zam614   
Aug 16, 2010
Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

Permanently deleting threads

Is there any way to permanently delete an old thread without paying? Or to keep it from showing up on Google? Thanks.
zam614   
Sep 18, 2009
Grammar, Usage / How to avoid contractions in writing? [11]

Thanks Simone and Sean!

I took your advice and kept the "it seems" and left the contracted "didn't". I've always wondered where the myth of contractions came from in the first place... Contractions also help minimize the word count and keep it generally more concise, but I'm still wary of sprinkling my essays with them anyway...
zam614   
Sep 18, 2009
Grammar, Usage / How to avoid contractions in writing? [11]

I know how there's some sort of unspoken rule about avoiding contractions at all costs, but in my college essay, (1) they seem to boost the word count unnecessarily and (2) some of them seem very awkward if read. Having a couple is not an enormous drawback, is it?

e.g.

I discovered that I didn't tremble anymore when I had to speak publicly.

vs.

I discovered that I did not tremble anymore when I had to speak publicly.

and

It's peculiar how...

vs.

It seems peculiar how...
zam614   
Sep 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app essay about AMERICAN CREAM PUFFS! [14]

This is such an amazing essay. Honestly, when I read all the details about the other characters, I thought it was really irrelevant. Then you tie all of it together beautifully at the end. Great job!
zam614   
Aug 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

I knew that last sentence was pretty ambiguous. Basically, what I mean to say is that perhaps civic engagement is really important to me because it was basically the focus of something that meant a lot to me, something that really changed who I was. Does that make a bit more sense or clarify that just a bit?

Also, What about putting (WTP) in parentheses after the first mention of WTP and just substitute all the following "We the People" 's with WTP? and the same with JSA (junior state of america).
zam614   
Aug 13, 2009
Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

Hello again everyone. I've been making a lot of revisions on the essay on the side, and I decided to post the more current version. Comments welcome and encouraged :D.

I sat anxiously, hands folded, but my face was trained to conceal emotion.

My stalwart determination to succeed in this competition instilled the courage and confidence in me (that) I had always lacked.

P.S. I'm sorry, but there were way too many revisions, in my opinion, to manually show the corrections. Hopefully you can see the difference. :)

Oh, I'm also about 100 or so words over the limit (>.<), so I'd appreciate it if you could point out some superfluous words/phrases. Thanks again :)
zam614   
Jul 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

Thanks nike. And thanks so much Sean and Simone! I'm still trying to see how I can conclude the essay because it seems so abrupt right now. Maybe tying it all back to "We the People", so it doesn't seem like I'm going off track. Then again, if I do, it seems like it'll be redundant...

Also, should I take out this part:

I was always the archetypal shy student, taunted by my peers with barely a word in retort.

It seems self-deprecating for some reason lol.
zam614   
Jul 16, 2009
Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

I was re-reading the new revision, and I thought of maybe starting a fourth paragraph starting here (the third would end at "...in my footsteps" before the red section):

In "We the People", I learned that every American has a civic duty. I would exercised mine assiduously and encouraged others to do so as well. Consequently, I sought out an internship with my State Representative to contribute to the legislative system and learn from experience.; andI n order to disseminate the importance of civic engagement to my peers, I founded the Junior State of America chapter at my school. My primary goal as President of the Junior State of America is, above all, combating apathy and fostering a free exchange of ideas.
zam614   
Jul 15, 2009
Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

also a few questions:

1)
zam614:
My experience in "We the People" was the eternal flame that has fueled my desire and resolve to immerse myself in it as much as possible.

2)
zam614:
but "We the People" truly confirmed (?) my innate passion for law studies.

How could I rewrite these? They seem like they could use some work...

For the first one, is the "eternal flame" metaphor too hackneyed? For the second, does the word "confirmed" seem like the best diction? I want to portray that my experience solidified my intent to pursue that specific career path.. I just can't seem to find the right word "/.
zam614   
Jul 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

Also, would it really be better to add a lot of other activities I participated in? I don't want to make it seem like a laundry list of activities and I want to try to stick to the main idea as much as possible: "We the People" transformed who I was and my future decisions.
zam614   
Jul 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]

I agree. Your point comes across well. Don't dumb it down, like Simone said. Just a suggestion, see if you can revise it by cutting some parts out because many colleges have word limits.
zam614   
Jul 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]

Personally, I've noticed that many Chinese students' writings are very poetic. They seem inherently rhythmic and flow very well. Maybe it's the variety in syntax, but whatever it is, it seems to work =D. Where else are you applying (in the USA)?
zam614   
Jul 13, 2009
Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

Thanks a lot Simone!

How's this? (fyi, the first paragraph is the same)

Thanks again...

um, also a few questions:

1)

My experience in "We the People" was the eternal flame that has fueled my desire and resolve to immerse myself in it as much as possible.

2)

but "We the People" truly confirmed (?) my innate passion for law studies.

How could I rewrite these? They seem like they could use some work...

3) How do you think I can tie all the different activities I threw in the last paragraph? One is directly related to WTP (my mentoring) and the other two stem from what I learned from WTP (internship & JSA)

Thanks so much!
zam614   
Jul 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]

I was just browsing the site, and I came upon your essay. It's beautifully written! I'm amazed that you were able to master the English language as your second. I agree with Sean and Simone. There are only minor grammatical errors; but when you polish them up, it'll be an amazing essay! =D
zam614   
Jul 13, 2009
Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

Common App: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

For Harvard, Yale, Princeton, University of Pennsylvania, Brown, Duke, Washington University in St. Louis, University of Miami, and Boston College... Also, probably some version of this for Columbia, Georgetown, and University of Florida

I sat anxiously, hands folded, but my face was trained to conceal emotion. A voice to my right elaborated on John Locke's natural rights philosophy and other topics I had heard time and time again, only to be eclipsed by my throbbing heartbeat which intensified by the second. My brow perspired and my frigid palms were trembling, yet I knew better than to let them distract me. I had to maintain the rehearsed procedure. I waited for my teammate to stop speaking, and, on cue, it was my turn; then I opened my mouth and spoke. In the mere minutes that followed, months of research and anguished preparation burst forth. Adrenaline rushed through my veins as my lips pronounced the words that I had studied countless times, each word deliberate and precise. The world was consumed by my voice. Later, when it was all over, our incessant practice finally rewarded us as we were ultimately named the state champions of the "We the People: the Citizen and the Constitution" competition and represented the state of Florida at the National Finals in Washington, D.C. that May. Participating in the "We the People" competition was irrefutably the highlight of my high school career and permanently transformed the way I viewed myself and the world.

I was not always as confident or passionate as I am today. Rather, until the beginning of high school, I felt out of place. I was always the archetypal shy student, taunted by my peers with barely a word in retort. At times it seems surreal, in retrospect, that I have changed so much, and I take pride in knowing that I am not the same person anymore. I would be remiss to consider the fact that my experiences in "We the People" taught me simply about American government and our Constitution. My stalwart determination to succeed in this competition instilled the sense of courage and confidence in me I had always lacked, which will further prepare me for the challenges of a collegiate life in the near future. I found that I didn't tremble at the knees anymore when I had to speak in front of a group of people. I found that I could communicate a well-planned and persuasive argument with conviction and passion. Most noticeably, I found that I could surpass the superficiality of my peers and be more extroverted. I became someone who wouldn't back down to an obstacle, someone who wasn't afraid of failure and who would fight to avoid it.

Before my sophomore year, I had some interest in the field of law; however, my interest was essentially transitory. I vacillated between law, medicine, and architecture; but "We the People" solidified my intent to pursue a legal career. I was enthralled by the complexity yet efficiency of our nation's judicial system and knew that it was something I wanted to partake in for the rest of my life. My experience in "We the People" has fueled my desire and resolve to immerse myself in this field as much as possible. In the two years that followed, I continued to involve myself in "We the People" by mentoring the new teams, and I have felt fortunate to be able to watch the students follow in my footsteps.

In "We the People", I learned that every American has a civic duty. I exercised mine assiduously and encouraged others to do so as well. Consequently, I sought out an internship with my State Representative to contribute to the legislative system and learn from experience. In order to disseminate the importance of civic engagement to my peers, I founded the Junior State of America chapter at my school. My primary goal as President of the Junior State of America is, above all, combating apathy and fostering a free exchange of ideas.

Thanks all!
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