Common app essay about AMERICAN CREAM PUFFS!

I decided to be a little creative. Tell me what you think, suggest any alternatives for wording/conciseness, and please point out any grammatical errors? ( I let those slip by now and then.)

Thank you all dearly!

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Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

The American Cream Puff by Sophia Liu
Betty Crocker was the obsession of my girlhood -- or so she was until I discovered, at the tender age of seventeen, that "Betty" was not a real woman but a fictional icon cranked out by General Mills to personify their brand. Up until then, however, I was transfixed with her auburn hair and all-American smile, which radiated from the cookbook propped up on our kitchen counter. I envisioned her as sort of an Amelia-Earhart-wielding-a-spatula archetype--attractive, intelligent, and fearless. I wanted to collect every item listed in her catalog, from her chocolate cake mix to her plastic measuring cups. But I am not the domestic type, and thus left Betty alone on her little wire stand for many years, subject to my quiet admiration.

It was not until several years later that I rekindled my relationship with Betty-- namely, when a proposal arose for a summer reunion with two other colleagues I had met from New Jersey Governor's School. After an entire week of debate, the verdict reached was to bake cream puffs-- the location being where else but my own home. For the first time in years, I removed Betty from her shrine and put her to good use.

My friends and I stood around my kitchen counter a week later, culinary champions of the Round Table. I had arranged the kitchen meticulously. The baking utensils were lined up by size, the aluminum baking sheets already cut and greased-- I was certain that with an extravagant display of appliances, my cookery would give off a Betty Crocker-esque aura.

The first task at hand was sifting the flour and sugar, which Edna volunteered to do. Flour reminded her of the powdery snow that was falling from the dark sky the night she flew in to New York from Mombasa, Kenya. When she scooped some into her bare hands she was surprised at how granular and coarse the snow felt--just like sugar. Slowly adding Edna's product, Kathryn boiled the butter and milk in a heavy saucepan, forming a smooth, thick paste.

Everything went perfectly. With the ding of the timer, the oven yielded twelve golden pastry shells, swollen with perfection. Kathryn noted their resemblance to the cracked, brown skin of her grandmother's face the summer day her sister was baptized at a small cathedral in Kraków -- split with happiness.

The last step was to make the cream filling. I brought out the chilled bowl of heavy cream from the fridge and proceeded to whip out the "soft peaks" that Betty's recipe called for. It then hit me --I didn't recall ever owning a whisk. I ravaged the kitchen as my friends stood aside bewildered. I battled pots and pans, had a throwdown with every drawer--and lost. I didn't have a whisk. I now had little hope of making the fluffy filling pictured in the book. Defeated, I began to beat the mixture with chopsticks, certain that I had shamed Betty for using such foreign utensils.

I sat there for what must have been half an hour, shuffling the contents of the bowl, when gradually, I began to realize that my makeshift solution was starting to work. The cream was frothing with newfound texture, forming beautiful waves and crests at every angle. My heart swelled. We piped the cream into the shells, and enjoyed a treat that was light as snow and blissful as a warm summer day.

After bidding my friends a safe trip home, I thought about the pair of chopsticks that saved our cream puffs, and it came to me. It didn't matter that I didn't own a stainless steel whisk from Betty Crocker or Williams-Sonoma. Take away the clutter of tools and utensils from a recipe, and you still have the raw ingredients. The three of us were from different backgrounds, distinct walks of life -- we were just different ingredients that happened to come together. Betty Crocker would have agreed. It's how life itself ought to be --rich, creamy, and full of surprises.

Your decision to be "creative" paid off. This is an engaging essay. There are a few minor grammatical fixes I'd make -- e.g., "transfixed by" not "transfixed with," unless the two of you were joined in common thrall with a third thing -- but otherwise this is excellent. Or so I think. Let's see what others have to say.

Thank you!!! What a relief!! Oh, and thanks for catching that for me.

Yes, I'd love to see what others have to say.

I also like it, although I am a little confused about how it fits into the prompt, I assume your 'work' is Betty Crocker, but it/she is only mentioned in 3 or 4 paragraphs. Don't know if that's a negative but I may try to tie it in a bit more.

One minor point;


'It was only until' doesn't mesh with 'several years later'

Maybe: 'It was not until several years later that I rekindled my relationship with Betty' or 'It was not until several years later that the relationship between Betty and I was rekindled'

Thank you Ugla!! For catching that mistake and also for bringing up what I suspected. Here is an updated version of my essay, with your input in my thoughts:

READ ABOVE

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Please tell me if you like the earlier version better or if this is an improvement! Thanks

I really enjoy how you have expanded upon your first paragraph.
I love the diversity you pull in throught the work and the emotion you can put in a story just about making cream puffs.
Oh dear. How will I compete with this on the common app! Great job.

This is one of the few essays I really truly enjoy. A cook myself, I could completely relate with your "battle" of finding the whisk. Very Very creative essay. It was very illustrative and completely engaging. The expanded version is superb ;)

ur expanded version is most definitely better
and i liked how u weaved the life lessons and betty crocker together
into a wonderful essay!!
it shows a lot about you, maturity and youth at the same time

This is such an amazing essay. Honestly, when I read all the details about the other characters, I thought it was really irrelevant. Then you tie all of it together beautifully at the end. Great job!

^Did her hair actually radiate from the cookbook?



^I really do not understand this. You state that Betty Crocker was no longer an obsession of your childhood, when you were 17. Alright, that is fine.

But then you say, several years later, your interest in her came back. I am assuming that you are aged between 17-19. In that case, several years later is wrong given the context.

Quite frankly, I do not see the point in mentioning that you were no longer 'obsessed' with her. The time frame you have established is very weak in order to support your claims.

If you are trying to say that you admired her as a hero because you were a child, outgrowing this 'childish' interest at a rather shocking age of 17 just shows your lack of mature development.

**You do make a number of grammar mistakes in your essays. Quite a number of them actually.

The most obvious ones are in your concluding lines; you misuse pronouns.

Also, I was just wondering:


^Would Betty Crocker have agreed that you came from three different backgrounds, or that you were different ingredients that came together?

I love the essay your outlook on Betty Crocker just makes me laugh. It was enjoyable to read

Very creative. I like your use of words very much :D

You have a strong and engaging conclusion.

I'm a bit confused about the "I removed Betty from her shrine and put her to good use" part because it seems more like you shoved her in a dusty closet and forgot about her for a couple of years. It might just be me...

Overall, a very interesting and well-written essay.

In the paragraph about Edna, make sure you mention that she scooped snow into her hands. It sounds like you were referring to flour instead.