Undergraduate / I can offer NYU my patient perspective because of my experience in Xiamen, not so big city in China. [6]

This one does have a focus on you. Judging from the time, I would not recommend you modifying again except for wording and phrasing. Just saying, if I were you, I may depict one of your stories with details. What you are contributing is so tangible which makes your point weak. Anyway, good luck with your application.

Undergraduate / DePauw has helped me progress, but now I want to move even further. Transfer main essay to NYU! [2]

I love the way you are trying to tell a story. However, the points you raised are not strong enough, in my opinion, to justify your transfer and your interest in actuarial science. People know creative thinking is important, but they want to hear how that connects to you and your interests.Besides, mentioning company names is not a good idea since admission officers are looking for something more genuine than getting a decent job. Try to be more concise, and focus on one main story to demonstrate your case. Watch out for grammars too. Good luck!

Undergraduate / I can offer NYU my patient perspective because of my experience in Xiamen, not so big city in China. [6]

Hey, I think there might be some problems with your essay.
I would say it would be better if you keep only one or two points and emphasize with your own stories. Simply saying what you have done and how would things at NYU help you are not helping a lot.

Besides, NYU students are inclined to be self-reliant and independent. Thus, you may want to demonstrate that besides your academic interests.
Another minor point is that by saying you will be able to take Stern courses, you make CAS inferior to Stern, which is not a good thing to reveal, I suppose.

Good Luck