Posts by 2010nbailey

2010nbailey

Aug 16, 2009

Undergraduate / Hospice Volunteering - Common App Essay [6]

Do you have any more specific suggestions on how to do that? Another draft of mine had more detail pertaining to the death's impact on me, but it turned out to be a lot of telling and cliches. I'm not quite sure how to find the middle ground there. thanks for the advice, though!

2010nbailey

Aug 14, 2009

Undergraduate / "Swim coach Marks" - Admission essay 2 for UT [8]

I agree with the other comments-I think the essay is very well-written. Your voice really comes through in your writing. If I were to change anything, however, it would be the abstract ideas in some sentences. For example, "Marks was my swim team coach for 6 years, and he had a large impact on my life, instilling in me a spirit of competition, perseverance, and success." is much too general. You could simply say "Marks was a huge part of my life as my swim team coach for 6 years." or something along those lines, and then proceed to show that he instilled great values instead of just telling it flat out.

I also understand that you want to convey that he is a very accomplished and qualified coach, but that paragraph about his accomplishments is more informative of him than you. You don't have to eliminate that section, but that space could perhaps be better-used to describe the effects of this stellar coach on you as an individual; it's what the school wants to know.

The last paragraph is also relatively general. This one particular sentence, "Every day I went to practice, Marks drilled us for hours in the cold morning water." is excellent! Descriptions like that show that Marks taught you diligence without outright saying that he made you hardworking.

Include some of the other senses, eliminate abstractions like "those characteristics of excellence and success became second nature to my team" and such, and elaborate on descriptions such as that sentence in your last paragraph, and you will really have an even more outstanding essay. These are all just suggestions, of course, and you are working with a great topic and impressive personal writing from the start. I wish you the best!

2010nbailey

Aug 14, 2009

Undergraduate / Hospice Volunteering - Common App Essay [6]

Thanks for your feedback! I'm really glad to know that my organization is effective and not confusing. XD
Is there anything that sticks out that I maybe need to improve? Or something that I could cut out because I want to make it shorter?

2010nbailey

Aug 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Hospice Volunteering - Common App Essay [6]

The Common Application essay guidelines are as follows: Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.

The topic I chose was: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Keep in mind this is a first draft, and I feel like I have a great topic but I could be expressing it better. I'm also planning on significantly shortening my essay. Also tell me what you think of the tense changes I used: I got a little creative in the organization, and I want to make sure it's not confusing. Thanks so much in advance for the suggestions/comments; I appreciate them! :]

The cool night air swirls around me, a little too cool for comfort. I kneel before a small paper bag, filled with sand and a small, unlit candle. Everyone walks around the track during this part of The American Cancer Society's Relay For Life: the Luminaria Ceremony, where candles are lit to honor or remember those afflicted by cancer. Reaching over, I light the Luminaria and the name scrawled on the cover is illuminated: Rose.* I sit there on the asphalt of the school track, staring into the soft candlelight. My memories take me back to a time when I seemed like a different person, in reality only several months before.

I nervously stepped into the room towards which the nurse at the station had directed me. It had only been a month since I had decided to become a companionship volunteer for terminally ill patients, but I had finished my training quickly. The hospice resembled a dormitory and smelled like a hospital. Somewhere down the hall, I heard the clatter of a nurse with a cart stocked with foods or medicines for the residents. I made my way over to the bed by the window, where a weak but alert woman watched my every movement. I cleared my throat and began, "Hello! Let me introduce myself; I'm a volunteer and I'll be coming by to keep you company. Well, it sure is nice to meet you, Ms.-" "Rose," she interrupted with a grin, "Call me Rose."

For the next few months I spent at least an hour a week with Rose. Rose had colon cancer, and she knew she had less than six months to live. Her favorite movie was Titanic, her favorite color was pink, and she loved trees and flowers. I painted her fingernails when her hands were too unsteady, alternating from red to purple to pink. When she had problems reaching her cheap radio from her hospital-style bed, I brought in some Mozart CDs that we could listen to on the weekends. Rose told me about her family, who didn't live far from me. I told her about school, orchestra, and sports practice; she told me about her high school days and her passion for dancing. The more time I spent in that hospice, the more I enjoyed being a volunteer. The nurses waved when I passed them in the halls on weekends and even the other patients recognized my face.

My world changed one day when I was contacted by a nurse who informed me that Rose had passed away. I was fighting tears within seconds of receiving the news. It was the first real sense of loss I had felt in my entire life, and I suffered from intense grief for days. The next weekend, when it was time for me to visit other patients, I lay on my bed staring at the plain ceiling of my room, pensive. I didn't know if I could continue seeing patients, if I could relive the pain every time one died. I thought of my volunteer training, and it was at that moment that I knew the best I could do for Rose was to be strong for the others who were close to her and for myself. I wiped my tears, grabbed my ID off of my desk, and stepped outside. "For me to be mature, this is what Rose would have wanted," I thought to myself.

I repeat those words to myself now, "In loving memory of Rose... It's what she would have wanted." I stand up from the Luminaria and continue my walk around the track. I think, "I will visit my patients tomorrow; I have no regrets," and I cannot help but smile.

*Real name not used for confidentiality purposes.

2010nbailey

Aug 13, 2009

Undergraduate / personal statement topic (my family, their love and care) [12]

I agree with ppthecat. Your essay could be copy/pasted into a lot of other applications without many changes. You talk about how time-consuming tennis was. If you still want to talk about your family, could you include a specific anecdote that's unique and interesting perhaps pertaining to your experiences during tennis season when you were swamped with practice and schoolwork? Seems like that was the highlight of your growth that I got from this draft, not your family as a whole. Just my two cents. :]

2010nbailey

Aug 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Personal statement- work experience, the first day of my internship [4]

I really like the depth of your voice in the writing! However, you could make the passage flow a bit more smoothly-I know this is more difficult in such a short amount of space.

"The first day of my internship at XXXX" can be combined with the next sentence in a variety of ways, which would make the whole introduction a little smoother in my opinion.

I think you could do without the word "oops"; "sheepishly" covers your point well enough.
The bit about your dad is unnecessary, also. I think one would rather hear about how your internship affected you as an individual, not how it made you admire your dad. If you're over the word limit cutting out that part will help.

Then, in its place you could try a stronger conclusion.

(Maybe here you can show how persevering through the exhausting work showed you were punctual, hardworking, and diligent?)

Just some minor suggestions. Great job and a good topic. :]

2010nbailey

Jul 29, 2009

Undergraduate / I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin - CommonApp activities essay [11]

Thanks, Notoman! I'll use the semicolon. :]

2010nbailey

Jul 29, 2009

Undergraduate / I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin - CommonApp activities essay [11]

Actually, I just changed a word or two so that I didn't have that awkward "we" in the second sentence. It's still 150 words exactly:

Echoes of the last piece's closing chords faded away, and after a moment of still, dignified silence the conductor lowered her hands and the crowd burst into applause. My orchestra had traveled far to play at Festival Disney in Orlando, Florida, and all of our hard work finally paid off. For me, the violin has been a symbol of dedication since 5th grade. What makes an outstanding ensemble is committed, consistent work by each instrumentalist on his or her own time; nobody is born a virtuoso. I knew improvement would take hours of practice outside the classroom throughout the year, and I worked around sports and schoolwork to find the time. My schoolmates and I not only connected as friends, but as musicians. Every movement was an effort of precision and teamwork, and even before my orchestra discovered we had placed first, our final performance attested to our resolve.

2010nbailey

Jul 29, 2009

Undergraduate / I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin - CommonApp activities essay [11]

I tried to take all of your advice to heart and I rewrote the paragraph. I still feel like the conclusion is a bit shaky, but I hope this does more of the showing (v. telling). Here it is (now exactly 150 words):

Echoes of the last piece's closing chords faded away, and after a moment of still, dignified silence the conductor lowered her hands and the crowd burst into applause. We had traveled far to play at Festival Disney in Orlando, Florida, and all of our hard work finally paid off.

...

2010nbailey

Jul 21, 2009

Undergraduate / I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin - CommonApp activities essay [11]

Thank you for taking the time to critique my essay!

The CommonApp short answer prompt: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin:
Echoes of the last chord of the last piece fade away, and after a moment of still, dignified silence the conductor lowers her hands and the crowd bursts into applause. Every time I play the violin with my high school's Advanced Concert Orchestra, I enjoy the rush of a successful performance all over again. Though we played curricular concerts at school and hosted one or two Viennese balls each year, the most memorable parts of my musical experience were the travel competitions. Nothing has brought my classmates and me closer together than spending several days practicing together in Orlando for Festival Disney or sightseeing before our Fiesta-Val concert in Myrtle Beach. The violin has been a symbol of dedication and teamwork for me since 5th grade, and it was through committed, consistent work by each instrumentalist that my orchestra was able to place in both out-of-state competitions.

...All constructive criticism is welcome! I'm not sure if I should revise the conclusion to sound more... concluding. :P (Side note: As it is now, the word count is 149.)