Undergraduate / Who you are? The general picture of what you represent - UC Personal Statement #2 [6]

1 grammar change: These changes were, for the most part, a direct result of my dedication to Taekwondo.

Why did you have to lose weight? I received my 3rd degree black belt in 5th grade. I was also overweight at that time, however, my master never told me to lose weight. You should explain that in at least 1 sentence. Other than that, I thought your topic was good. You can make some changes to the last paragraph to make it flow better, but your ending was strong and wrapped up your essay nicely.