Posts by KenMugi

KenMugi

Nov 18, 2015

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the percentages of people visiting several places in Australia [3]

Hey Rosyidah,
I think you've done brilliantly in summarizing the bar chart. Only one thing to correct. I believe Newcomers, who born in the west countries is the wrong term to use. You should say New migrants from other english speaking countries.

Cheers,
Kenneth

KenMugi

Nov 18, 2015

Undergraduate / UIUC - Gap Year - What have you been doing upon graduating from high school? [3]

Hey Louisa,

Really grateful for latest revision!! I think it's great and its what I was exactly looking for!! My earlier revision sounded too monotonous and abrupt and I think the edit in terms of organization has definitely addressed this. It has also given the essay more personal input. Thank you very much and I believe this will help me substantially!! :)

KenMugi

Nov 18, 2015

Undergraduate / UIUC - Gap Year - What have you been doing upon graduating from high school? [3]

Hey everyone, I'm new to this site.Thank you to anyone who will take time in reading my response and this site has been a great help to me. I redacted some names cause I don't they would like to be revealed. The prompt is asking what I did but I have also included why and how these experience have affected me. As such, I'm not too confident about my response as should I be more descriptive and concentrate on the what or my current response

Prompt: What have you been doing upon graduating from high school? [2000 characters]

Having been a student my whole life, I wanted to take a hiatus from studying to spend some time with my family, travel and embrace new experiences to learn more about myself. As I was situated in Singapore for virtually the entirety of my life, I started my gap year by returning to my hometown, Indonesia to spend time with my family and understand my Indonesian culture. This also gave me opportunities to volunteer at --- Indonesia. Such an experience has not only allowed me to rediscover my homeland but also my identity as an Indonesian. It also significantly improved my ability to speak Bahasa Indonesia, which allowed me to interact with the locals.

Afterwards, I took some time to backpack in Australia and experienced new thrills such as skydiving, diving and surfing. I was also able to visit America with my family for the first time. Enamoured by the diversity of campuses, students and courses available, it further augmented my desire to pursue an undergraduate study in America. Travelling has also helped me to grow, be more outspoken and more responsible as an individual. By immersing myself in various cultures and meeting a diversity of people, I gained a global perspective and discovered many new passions such as Japanese as a fourth language.

Aspiring to be a future computer scientist, I have since then interned at ---, a mobile commerce start-up. I started out as a non-technical employee and as I gradually improved my ability to code through courses on Codeacademy and Pluralsight, I was able to partake in several rudimentary coding assignments. I am grateful for this as it has given me first-hand experiences what it feels like to be a computer scientist. It not only allowed me to develop my technical skills but also hone my business, marketing and management skills. This gap year has really transformed my life beyond belief. Instead of burying myself in textbooks learning about our contemporary world, I am finally able to live in it.

KenMugi

Nov 18, 2015

Writing Feedback / Percentage of the leisure areas attended by 3 different groups of Australian inhabitants [2]

I think you have done decently in analyzing this bar graph however I believe there is room for improvement in terms of grammar and transitions.

Here's my edit. Follow what you like!

1st Paragraph:
... are keen on going to the cinema, while the theater is ~~less popular than other~~the least popular of these 3 places. (Comparing 2 or more things, always use superlatives like most, largest etc.)

2nd Paragraph:
The cinema experiences the most popular place to be visited by Australian people.Here you could say either say: The cinema is the most popular place where it is largely visited by Australian people... or you could The cinema experiences the highest number of Australian visitors...

As seen in the graph, the highest percentage of cinema's spectators consists of people who are born in Australia, at 70%. While new migrants born in English-speaking country have a slightly less percentage than this, ~~Then,~~only about~~it is just a~~ half of the new migrants born in other countries visit the cinema.

The other 3 places are less popular than cinema for Australian citizens. (Elaborate a bit if you want to by giving the order of popularity) New migrants born in other countries tend to visit library where it has the greatest visitors percentage ~~than another~~as compared to the other 3 places, which consists of half these new migrants.~~is at more than a half~~ . Secondly, the majority of zoo and theater visitors ~~experienced in~~are visited by new migrants born in ...

KenMugi

Nov 17, 2015

Writing Feedback / The study-work culture in Denmark has always fascinated a lot of international students [7]

Hey Yashwath,

Please don't take my comments to heart and if I've offended you, I apologize in advance. Overall, I think its an average essay but there is room for improvement.

Firstly, I believe the introduction is a bit irrelevant unless you are trying be dramatic. What I would do is generally talk about education first before introducing the two specific examples of Denmark and India.

Secondly, for the body, I think you greatly improve by giving specific examples and elaborating your points. For example, you state that "According to the statistics, Denmark ranks 40 out of 215 with a literacy rate of 99% and ranks 53 in unemployment rate whereas India ranks 185 with 62.8% literacy rate and 97th in unemployment rate. This shows that education and employment is given the top most priority in Denmark." Here you just quoting a fact and then giving your point. I believe you elaborate and explain why it shows that education and employment is given top priority.

Lastly, as you end your essay, you are focusing a lot on Denmark. This makes your essay seem biased. Perhaps, if you are trying to potray why Denmark's education system is great, you could also try to give implications or solutions in order to improve the education system in India.

Cheers,
Kenneth

KenMugi

Nov 17, 2015

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hey guys, I just joined. I'm not sure what I did wrong but everytime I try post a thread or message, it just goes back to the homepage while thread and message count = 0.