Undergraduate / My "best" friend - panic disorder. UC Personal Statement [7]

Hi!! any editions or comments are welcomed! especially word choice in third paragraph

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

For the past five years, I have spent my "best" friend for the most of my daily life. Spending too much time with him frequently disrupted my studies, relationships, and goals. However, I do not blame him for the troubles he gave it to me. I am actually proud how he shaped my entire life and brought me to where I am today. His name is panic disorder.

At the age of fourteen, a sudden fear attacked me first at the school hall. Since then I went through many constant fears that seemed to strike out of blue. I have also forced myself to hide my anxieties which my friends usually marked one of my personalities as a 'quiet girl'. But to tell the truth, I wasn't being quiet. I struggled to push away him in order to stop my pounding heart, hoping it will soon end.

At beginning, I headed for counseling and medication for about three years. Then to overcome my fears of my own and distract myself away from him, I... took yoga and swimming classes, used 'EFT', Emotional Freedom Technique, finding acupuncture point and pressing the point, tried the positive thinking through a book called 'The Secret', went to library often to concentrate school studies, went for shopping or movies with my friends, volunteered Hansang Welfare Center for a period of time, listened to favorite tracks in my mp3, played violin in orchestra, had a boyfriend, had cleaned the entire house, went for bicycle at midnight, sold popcorns in amusement park for part time job, and went through many worships and praying for God. But while passionately fighting against him, I kept felt a hole in my heart that won't fill in.

Then I truly realized how I saw the fear as "Abhorrent" (hatred), and fluttered my feet for a perfection of calmness. 100% surely all people can have some amount of fear which that percentage included me. So for the first time, I did not try to win or lose. Reversely, I allowed him with love to conquer over me. No resistance or avoidance but being an observer of the emotion. In order to accomplish this, I used the determinacy and sincerity I have gained from the past progresses I have done to overcome my fear. With multiple tries, things slowly started to change and I began to notice the pressure was decreasing.

Sometimes, he still visits me, the familiar tingle of nerves. However, it is no longer the feelings of deep hatred or despair. I believe this is the face of my victory and endeavor. With this I have made up my mind to study psychology based on the experiences and lessons I ever had. My history could be a kind of material for some psychology theory in the future. As I mentioned, from him, I learned how to maintain a level head and stay calm and confidant. Now I know how I can carry my friend away, and that just grows me to be freer.