Writing Feedback / The things that has affected me the most were how my mom helped me overcome difficulties. [4]

Just the last paragraph become I'm at work:

My mom has taught me many important lesions ranging from becoming a responsible person, to always have having a positive attitude, and to love my family. Without my mom's encouragement and help, I would have not be been able to have the opportunity to pursuit pursue my career.

Undergraduate / I'm an enlisted sailor - USNA Personal essay question [7]

How does this sound --
Imagine being aboard a ship surrounded by the riveting tales of the sailors who have gone before you. As a child, my father and I would visit the USS Intrepid and it was there that I would hear the stories of those who fought for vice (Word choice? ) and freedom long before I had that chance. The stories of the raging fires that were fought when the warship's hangar bay was hit by a strike from a kamikaze aircraft. The stories of thunderous aircraft strikes in Vietnam as our nation's heroes fought our country's adversaries. Hearing these stories always left me in awe and they changed my perspective of service. These visits to the Intrepid, are what drew me to my choice of naval service. I heard the call to serve and without hesitation, I answered it. Hearing the tales of young men who made the ultimate sacrifice and of sailors serving during ungrateful circumstances greatly impacted me. I grew to understand that these stories were not originally driven by the need to be a hero or savior but by the need to protect freedom and democracy around the world and support the Navy's mission. That is what draws me into naval service.

I greatly desired to do something more and it was the Navy that helped me to understand what it was that I aimed to be. I chose that career of service, but I continue to feel the need to give more and being a Naval Officer is how I've decided to further impact the world around me. In my eyes, the best way to way to become an officer is by attending the United States Naval Academy. I want the strict, focused structure it offers. I want the military immersion, fast paced schooling, and physical training because I think it will make me the best officer I can be. Not only can the Naval Academy offer me the structured lifestyle and education opportunities that I so desire, I feel that I can offer.... (Then I about what I can give to the academy )

Undergraduate / I'm an enlisted sailor - USNA Personal essay question [7]

@vangiespen, I typed up my first edit of my original essay. Tomorrow during the work day I'll fine tune even more. I've been thinking of scrapping this train of thought but I don't know.

See any improvement?

{Intro 'hook' to be added} As a child my father and I would visit the USS Intrepid, a museum ship. Onboard the ship I would be surrounded by stories of sailors who have gone before me. Stories about fighting raging infernos when the warship's hangar bay was hit by Kamikaze strike aircraft. Stories about launching thunderous strike aircraft deep into Vietnam to fight our nation's adversaries. After my trips the the Intrepid, I knew joining the Navy was for me. I felt a calling to serve. Hearing those tales of young men give the ultimate sacrifice, and then tales of sailors serving during ungrateful circumstances really impacted me. It began to hit me that it doesn't matter if someone thinks you are a 'hero', or if the public does not support the Navy's mission. What matters is that you're protecting freedom and democracy around the world and that's what draws me into naval service.

{Here is where I think I could write better, I feel like I need a transition to the second part of the first prompt}
All my life I've felt like I could do something greater with me life. I finally figured out what I want to aim for. I want to be a Naval Officer. The responsibility, the prestige, and the In my eyes the best way to way to become an officer is via the Academy. I want the total structure it offers unlike the NROTC program. I want the military immersion, fast paced schooling, and physical training to make me the best officer I can be.

Thanks for your help
V/R
YN nope