Undergraduate / "Commitment and Breadth" - Question about how to demonstrate your leadership along with commitment [6]

You're welcome!
My apologies on that last comment, I realize now that I was misunderstood... I wasn't aware that this essay is for one of the three activities. My bad!

As for reducing your word count: when I have trouble with meeting a word count, (which I often do, I hate word counts) I will open my essay in a document editor such as Microsoft Word.

If you have Microsoft Word, you may notice that at the bottom of the window, it actually tells you how many words are in the document. For me, If I am over by a large number, I'll look critically at my essay, and ask myself, "which parts of this essay do I find to be the most important?"

I will then copy and paste only these parts into a new document. Then, I will rebuild my essay on the basis of these parts, while periodically checking the word count at the bottom of the window.

I'm not sure if this sounds like something that will work well for you, but in my own experience, I find it very helpful for reducing the length, as well as clarifying the point i'm trying to get across. I hope this helps! And once again, good luck!

Scholarship / By the "hard work" my dreams and passions are within reach - scholarship essay [3]

Thank you very much for your feedback, it is greatly appreciated!
I can absolutely see what you mean. Looks like I'll start from scratch :)
thanks again!

Undergraduate / "Commitment and Breadth" - Question about how to demonstrate your leadership along with commitment [6]

Hello!
I would like to begin by saying that you have chosen an excellent subject to reply to this prompt with. Your essay conveyed its meaning wonderfully, stayed on topic and was compelling. I've noticed a few (mostly grammatical) errors while reading.

Being a recruit in the Cadets program was anameaningful experience that awarded me with enrichments in life and taught me the meaning of commitment on three different levels.

Perhaps using a different word for "meaningful" would make it sound less repetitive?

Due to my fast track and lack of necessary recruit training, I was intimidated by other cadets' confidence in drills and commands, andas well as their unapproachability.

Are the readers familiar with the meaning of the phrase "fast track"? Possibly it would be helpful to be more specific?

My mother, although opposed strongly at first,Although she had strongly opposed at first, my mother finally gave in after a long time of argument. This long-waitedlong-awaited moment was unexpectedly heartbreaking for me; for the first time, my mother was disappointed in theher child, whom she had always bragged about for succumbing to obstacles so easily.

The ending of this sentence is unclear: Did she brag about you for succumbing to obstacles? or was she disappointed in you for succumbing to obstacles?

Determined to master the parade songs before the band competition at the end of the year, I sacrificed my spare time on the weekends, and during march break I practiced the flute with the help withof a professional flutist. Nearly afterAfter nearly a semester, I was able to produce the band music.

At this level, I learned that achievement results fromis the result of continuous commitment, big or small.

Seeing my quick improvement on the instrument, my band members embraced me into their family open-heartedly.
This sentence is unclear: you could try, "my band members embraced me open-heartedly", or you could replace the word "embraced" with something like "welcomed".

As expected, my involvement in the band which enabled me to reinforce on my drills and marching,andas well as familiarize myself with an exclusive group of experienced cadets during the additional band practices.

I might suggest a term other than "reinforce on"... perhaps, "improve"

More importantly, I started initiating in the program by participating in various celebration parades, leading a group of younger recruits with their own rough starts.

What are you trying to convey with the phrase "initiating in?"
Possibly replace the world "starts" with "beginnings"?

At thisthat moment, 36 of us forgot individuality and strived to win pride for our beloved squadron. At thisthat moment, I learned that commitment is like the roots of a tree, the engine of a car and the staircase to go up;

This simile is unclear and doesn't draw any conclusions.

commitment is a responsibility to fully extracted your efforts and time into achieving yourself, or achieving the group.
Try using a world like "dedicate" instead of "extract".
The word "achieving" doesn't make sense as a verb here. What are you achieving? Pride? Unity? Victory?

ToFor a new squadron, this award was a tremendous way to start.

Even after my family moved to Toronto, I continued pursingpursuing the Cadets program. My two-and-half yeartwo and a half years in this program have allowed me to acquire important life skills. The program offered me numerous opportunities to improve onupon my public speaking, resolve conflicts under difficult circumstances, and construct mya positive attitude. Most importantly, this program has rewarded me with a spirit of perseverance and commitment that will motivate me continuouslycontinue to motivate me during moments of quitting.

Try a word other than "quitting". Perhaps, "doubt", or "uncertainty".

As one last piece of advice, I would suggest you to be a little more clear in differentiating the three separate activities. Great essay, and good luck!