Neelness
Jan 16, 2016
Undergraduate / At a point in my life, everything was starting to fall apart. Correct flow of this common app essay? [4]
Im currently writing the common app essay. #5 Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
I wrote this much but my question is: Should I include more in the past childhood parts or should I conclude it and move on to my adulthood phase and all the differences that I noticed? And please do check the essay for any errors or sentences that need fixing! I will highly appreciate any help. :)
Here it is (so far):
When I was in middle school, my parents decided to move back to the roots of their existence; back in Bangladesh. I lived in America almost my entire life and just the thought of a massive change in scenario left me in astonishment. Several months later, it was time to pack up and leave all the friendly people I met throughout my entire life. Of course I came to Bangladesh before to visit my relatives but never had I imagined shifting my entire life to a country where I could neither write nor speak its language fluently.
I was a very mundane child in my early years in High School who was only eager to open the neatly packed lunch his Mother had made for him. As I looked around the cafeteria, I could see dozens of students my age walking around in congregations completely absent to thoughts about me. They looked at me as just another immature person who could neither accept himself nor others around him. An inexperienced person who could not handle any amount of responsibilities placed on him. I was neither close to my family nor my friends; I could hardly share any of my feelings with anyone. Being labeled as a shy and socially introvert person lowered other people's expectations of me. It avoided any types of social or educational opportunities that would normally be presented to others. Being raised in a sheltered environment, I could not handle any situations that led to failure. At a point in my life, everything was starting to fall apart.
Im currently writing the common app essay. #5 Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
I wrote this much but my question is: Should I include more in the past childhood parts or should I conclude it and move on to my adulthood phase and all the differences that I noticed? And please do check the essay for any errors or sentences that need fixing! I will highly appreciate any help. :)
Here it is (so far):
When I was in middle school, my parents decided to move back to the roots of their existence; back in Bangladesh. I lived in America almost my entire life and just the thought of a massive change in scenario left me in astonishment. Several months later, it was time to pack up and leave all the friendly people I met throughout my entire life. Of course I came to Bangladesh before to visit my relatives but never had I imagined shifting my entire life to a country where I could neither write nor speak its language fluently.
I was a very mundane child in my early years in High School who was only eager to open the neatly packed lunch his Mother had made for him. As I looked around the cafeteria, I could see dozens of students my age walking around in congregations completely absent to thoughts about me. They looked at me as just another immature person who could neither accept himself nor others around him. An inexperienced person who could not handle any amount of responsibilities placed on him. I was neither close to my family nor my friends; I could hardly share any of my feelings with anyone. Being labeled as a shy and socially introvert person lowered other people's expectations of me. It avoided any types of social or educational opportunities that would normally be presented to others. Being raised in a sheltered environment, I could not handle any situations that led to failure. At a point in my life, everything was starting to fall apart.
