Writing Feedback / To understand all the matter connected with the scientific research and to avoid some damage [3]

Hi siti hamsyah,
I read your essay and I believe that you could stress a little bit more why you disagree with the statement in the assignment. What I mean by this is that, even though all the examples you give are valid ones, the way in which they are presented weakens a bit their message. I believe that the structure of your text is fine, you included an introduction and a conclusion after you developed your point of view, however the logical link between the examples and your thesis in my opinion could be more linear. You could consider the following advises

Science is the knowledge about human effort to understand,or to understand better,the history of the natural world and how the natural world works,with observation and some experiments made by scientists In my opinion, Science is not the knowledge of the human efforts to understand the history of the world. Science is represented by the efforts themselves, not by the knowledge of them. For example, someone could know the effort made by Einstein in order to understand gravity without effectively understanding how gravity works. In my opinion you could try to change this sentence in this way

Science is the knowledge aboutdefined by the human effort to better understand ,or to understand better, the history of the natural world and how the natural worldit works,with observations and some experiments made by scientists in order to verify their theories

In order to keep things simpler in your introduction, you could consider the following corrections

Nowadays,scientific research has deeply explored nature

there are some particular thingsthat we should not take a chance to know it,in this whole world. I pretty much disagree aboutwiththisthe statement in the assignment . (in general you should not repeat or copy sentences from the text of the assignment!)

In your second paragraph you describe the point that everybody needs to understand science in order to advance technologically while preserving the environment, with a great impact in everyday lives. In my opinion you could try to link this paragraph more with the assignment. For example you could add a comparison between this era, which is technologically advanced, and for example middle age, in which, because of a lower understanding of the human bodies, there were a lot more epidemics. Or you could try to describe the pros and cons of knowing how nature works concluding that in your opinion there are more advantages than drawbacks.

In the last two paragraphs, if I understood correctly, you concentrate on the fact that, if we know how to use science, we can only gain advantages. Again, as I said before, you could elaborate on this point a little bit more. If you believe that science is good if it is used in the correct way, you could make some comparisons, for example a knife in itself is useful if used in the correct way, what make it dangerous is the person that uses it in the wrong way, but because of that there is no point in hiding how to build a knife, and that is what happens with science.

In conclusion, I believe that you have made a good essay, just try to keep it simpler, possibly with a more linear logical connection between what you write and why you write it in order to reach your thesis, keeping an eye on grammar!

I hope this helps

Writing Feedback / The comparison of overseas students who graduated from universities in Canada. [2]

Hi Diqon,
In my opinion you need to improve a little the structure of your essay. I don't know if your essay should be inserted in a presentation, if it is part of a bigger text or something else, however I believe that it should contain an introduction, some development of your thesis and a conclusion. In my opinion you wrote a good introduction, however the other two paragraphs are a little bit less clear and not easy to understand.

For example, in your second paragraph you describe the graph with an emphasis on the Universities with the highest percentage of International Graduates, and in my opinion you could consider the following modifications

British Columbia washad the highest difference of proportionincrease in percentage,approximately bygoing from 5% to 11% international graduates over a 5-year period.

Students who graduated from New Brunswick and Nova Scotia province werehad the second popularbiggest ratio of international graduations,that hadwith a similar percentage to that of British Columbia , approximately by an increasingwith an increase of 2% from 2001 to 2006.

In the third paragraph, I didn't understand the sentence A closer look at the percentage of the data revealed that Manitoba, Newfoundland & Labrador and Ontario provinces had the same percentage as the increasing number of students who new graduation with regarding to 3% during a period of time. Maybe you could consider a modification of this sentence in order to keep your essay simpler and easy to read.

My last consideration concerns the conclusion. As you wrote, it is interesting that only Alberta had a different trend from the other provinces, maybe you could add some considerations on why do you think that happened or what coul be the cause, but obviously it depends on what is the purpose of what you wrote!

I hope that helped you