NeraTulip
Apr 9, 2016
Graduate / A one page personal statement - application for exchange program in Australia, Master in Economics [4]
Many thanks for your encouraging feedback :)
NeraTulip
Apr 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / Governments should review education system, unemployment policy - reasons for crime among teenagers. [3]
Hi Cemo,
This is my try:
Crime is defined as a violation of the law. Without doubt each person in any country shouldbe obey the rules.
Genderor, age or religion is not matter for the law.
I am not sure about what you would like to mean with this sentence. Perhaps that gender, age or religion should not have any impact on the application of the law against crimes?
Courts approach politely to teenagers nowadays ,thus crime rates in the teenagers are increasing dramatically.
I would maybe add a too before "politely" as it would explain better the following statement
Courts should consider that almost all mother of kidsusinguse folic acid in pregnancy duration. Kids growngrow up earlier than the supposed time. Kids thinks and lives like an adults ones because of medicals.
Because of that this kind of supporter feeding reasons of increasing crime rates in teenagers. The other reasons and preventions about that will be further explained.
I think this sentence needs to be reformulated as it is not very clear what you are trying to say.
Firstly, capitalism in the modern word pushto families workingto work harder and harder day by day . Parents can not share their feelings with their children. Kids are growing without love and care. They are handling with their problems byusing alcohol and drugs.
Secondly, unemployment is a big deal waiting to be taken care of . Unemployed and poor parents can notprovidemeet their young ones' demands. Teenagers commit crime for money.
On the other hand, education system raised children who knows math, unfortunately morality always be stay at second plan for education system. Perhaps you mean it stays secondary compared to other subjects?
Governments should review education system. They should Addressed unemployment policy. Drugsabuse and alcohol usingabuse should be controlled by the police department roughly.
Hope it helps!
Hi Cemo,
This is my try:
Crime is defined as a violation of the law. Without doubt each person in any country should
Gender
I am not sure about what you would like to mean with this sentence. Perhaps that gender, age or religion should not have any impact on the application of the law against crimes?
Courts approach politely to teenagers nowadays ,thus crime rates in the teenagers are increasing dramatically.
I would maybe add a too before "politely" as it would explain better the following statement
Courts should consider that almost all mother of kids
Because of that this kind of supporter feeding reasons of increasing crime rates in teenagers. The other reasons and preventions about that will be further explained.
I think this sentence needs to be reformulated as it is not very clear what you are trying to say.
Firstly, capitalism in the modern word push
Secondly, unemployment is a big deal waiting to be taken care of . Unemployed and poor parents can not
On the other hand, education system raised children who know
Governments should review education system. They should Address
Hope it helps!
NeraTulip
Apr 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Living alone is an essential issue recently [4]
In the first line I'd rather write:
In the past, living alone was considered weird
This would also delete the redundancy with the following verb "becomes" in the second sentence.
In the second paragraph I would move firstly at the beginning of the sentence.
In the first line I'd rather write:
In the past, living alone was considered weird
This would also delete the redundancy with the following verb "becomes" in the second sentence.
In the second paragraph I would move firstly at the beginning of the sentence.
NeraTulip
Apr 7, 2016
Graduate / A one page personal statement - application for exchange program in Australia, Master in Economics [4]
Hi all,
I am applying to spend a semester on an exchange program at an Australian University at graduate level. I am asked to provide a one page personal statement and I would like to have some advice on how I can improve my first draft.
I have to say I haven't quite clear what the main differences between a motivation letter and personal statement are, therefore corrections and suggestions on this issue are much appreciated. Also, I would like to know whether the statement sounds coherent, logical and well structured and provides all is required by a personal statement.
Here is the draft:
My keen interest in the field of Behavioral Economics stems first and foremost from a genuine curiosity about the ultimate drive of the individual action. This topic has enchanted me ever since my first encounter with the works of Herbert Simon, Daniel Kanheman and Dan Ariely, and the desire to gain a deeper knowledge in it has perhaps been the strongest contribution to my decision to continue my studies in Economics after my Bachelor in International and Diplomatic Sciences. On the other hand, it is my personal belief that the economic discipline is in need of a partial reformulation of its main premises, capable of shifting the focus back on its ultimate subject - the human being - by means of a more encompassing view of human rationality. It is, therefore, in the field of Behavioral Economics that I see myself stimulated the most, here I would like to see my projects for the future grow, and I definitely know it is here I can express myself at my best.
In the light of my core interest in such discipline, the crucial reasons for choosing XXX as destination for my exchange program are the two classes Cognition and Psychological Research Methods from which I hope to substantially benefit in terms of academic purposes and personal enjoyment. Behavioral Economics represent the field in which I intend to write my thesis - focusing on alternative approaches to individual decision making - and where I ultimately would like to pursue a research career after concluding my Master Degree. It is my firm belief that these two classes would give me valuable insights into other disciplines, such as psychology, sociology and anthropology, which are often advocated to develop an alternative yet more exhaustive and accurate understanding of human rationality. Not only I value the purely theoretical contribution of these classes, but I expect the rigorous research techniques and methods acquired in this context to be of versatile applicability in structuring and developing my thesis project at best, as well as, in a hopefully not so distant future, in carrying out research activities in this field.
Of the four courses I wish to take at your university, Economics of Developing Countries reflects my interest in a more international perspective on the study of economics, which I have inherited from my undergraduate background in International Relations and has been crucial in providing me with a more general and encompassing view of the social world. I believe that investigating the roots of poverty and assessing the responsibilities behind inequalities with a critical eye and intellectual honesty are moral obligations for societies that deem themselves advanced. On the other hand, Competition, market failure and government (or Public policy and its impact), one natural continuation of my previous Macroeconomics I and II classes, would provide a deeper and more practical insight in the relationship between economics and politics, thus reconnecting my current focus on the economics with my past studies in politics. I am confident that rigorous classes such as Statistical Inference and Mathematical Economics have already equipped me with a robust theoretical knowledge of the main tools for quantitative economic analysis, which I would be eager to exploit in the context of the above mentioned courses.
An aspect of the classes offered by La Trobe that has particularly encouraged me to apply for this school is the educational format which blends frontal lectures with more practical activities. Class and group based discussions and debates as well as the application of quantitative analytical tools to real world situations are methods that emphasize critical thinking, writing and practicality over the mere memorization of the notions conveyed by traditional lectures. I believe that this method would prove extremely useful especially in my last year of the Master course for mainly three reasons. Firstly, it allows for a personalization of the academic path by giving the students the chance to choose the topic that appeals them the most and thus gives a deeper insight into it, without, however, neglecting the more general framework of reference. Second, writing essays and academic papers requires an extensive research job that helps building a knowledge of the subject wider and of superior quality than the one gained through a more traditional lecture method. Last, writing helps improving critical thinking, writing skills and inquiry ability, which are all key tools one would wish to master when the moment of writing her master degree thesis approaches. Indeed, having already had a sample of such learning methods during my first exchange experience at undergraduate level, I find this approach not just considerably effective, but also engaging and enjoyable. My past experience in editing as intern for the on-line socio-political magazine The New Presence has helped me mastering my English writing skills and articulating concepts concisely and in a coherent manner, while allowing me to discover and cultivate a passion for writing which I wish to put to use in the realization of my academic and carreer ambitions.
The multicultural, inclusive environment surrounding XXX reflects the peculiarity of Melbourne, whose characteristics haven't been secondary in framing my decision. A cosmopolitan and dynamic city, with a discrete yet fine charm, Melbourne has been recently rated as the world's most livable city and one of the leading cities for students in terms of students mix and, remarkably, the quality of living, certainly thanks to the care for the cultural and the recreational needs of the youngest, as well as the attention for sustainability and the implementation of green policies. The beautiful location of XXX would complement my exchange by allowing me to experience a completely new, vibrant lifestyle, in a country which is so distant from mine yet in an environment which I already sense extremely in sync with my own nature and where, therefore, I would feel at ease. Indeed, internationality is also an aspect I have always tried to prioritize in both my academic and personal life choices, having lived for about four years abroad to complete my studies as well as for job related reasons.
I therefore wish I would prove a good fit in your environment, given my previous experiences abroad, which show my flexibility and adaptability to new contexts along with a constant search of the new, a peculiar taste for the different and a genuine enthusiasm for change. My background education has been crucial in providing me with that curiosity and critical attitude that have always stimulated me to look beyond the obvious. My two years work experience as communication support in a web marketing agency completed my personal development with a practical approach to business mindset, while contributing to improve my problem solving skill and analytical thinking. Spending the last semester of my master degree at La Trobe University would thus be the most ideal way to conclude my university path conferring a more internationally diverse outlook to my profile, and to materialize my academic interests into career goals, opening the way to turn my passions into the main basis for a satisfactory professional life.
I thank you in advance for taking the time to help me!
Hi all,
I am applying to spend a semester on an exchange program at an Australian University at graduate level. I am asked to provide a one page personal statement and I would like to have some advice on how I can improve my first draft.
I have to say I haven't quite clear what the main differences between a motivation letter and personal statement are, therefore corrections and suggestions on this issue are much appreciated. Also, I would like to know whether the statement sounds coherent, logical and well structured and provides all is required by a personal statement.
Here is the draft:
My keen interest in the field of Behavioral Economics stems first and foremost from a genuine curiosity about the ultimate drive of the individual action. This topic has enchanted me ever since my first encounter with the works of Herbert Simon, Daniel Kanheman and Dan Ariely, and the desire to gain a deeper knowledge in it has perhaps been the strongest contribution to my decision to continue my studies in Economics after my Bachelor in International and Diplomatic Sciences. On the other hand, it is my personal belief that the economic discipline is in need of a partial reformulation of its main premises, capable of shifting the focus back on its ultimate subject - the human being - by means of a more encompassing view of human rationality. It is, therefore, in the field of Behavioral Economics that I see myself stimulated the most, here I would like to see my projects for the future grow, and I definitely know it is here I can express myself at my best.
In the light of my core interest in such discipline, the crucial reasons for choosing XXX as destination for my exchange program are the two classes Cognition and Psychological Research Methods from which I hope to substantially benefit in terms of academic purposes and personal enjoyment. Behavioral Economics represent the field in which I intend to write my thesis - focusing on alternative approaches to individual decision making - and where I ultimately would like to pursue a research career after concluding my Master Degree. It is my firm belief that these two classes would give me valuable insights into other disciplines, such as psychology, sociology and anthropology, which are often advocated to develop an alternative yet more exhaustive and accurate understanding of human rationality. Not only I value the purely theoretical contribution of these classes, but I expect the rigorous research techniques and methods acquired in this context to be of versatile applicability in structuring and developing my thesis project at best, as well as, in a hopefully not so distant future, in carrying out research activities in this field.
Of the four courses I wish to take at your university, Economics of Developing Countries reflects my interest in a more international perspective on the study of economics, which I have inherited from my undergraduate background in International Relations and has been crucial in providing me with a more general and encompassing view of the social world. I believe that investigating the roots of poverty and assessing the responsibilities behind inequalities with a critical eye and intellectual honesty are moral obligations for societies that deem themselves advanced. On the other hand, Competition, market failure and government (or Public policy and its impact), one natural continuation of my previous Macroeconomics I and II classes, would provide a deeper and more practical insight in the relationship between economics and politics, thus reconnecting my current focus on the economics with my past studies in politics. I am confident that rigorous classes such as Statistical Inference and Mathematical Economics have already equipped me with a robust theoretical knowledge of the main tools for quantitative economic analysis, which I would be eager to exploit in the context of the above mentioned courses.
An aspect of the classes offered by La Trobe that has particularly encouraged me to apply for this school is the educational format which blends frontal lectures with more practical activities. Class and group based discussions and debates as well as the application of quantitative analytical tools to real world situations are methods that emphasize critical thinking, writing and practicality over the mere memorization of the notions conveyed by traditional lectures. I believe that this method would prove extremely useful especially in my last year of the Master course for mainly three reasons. Firstly, it allows for a personalization of the academic path by giving the students the chance to choose the topic that appeals them the most and thus gives a deeper insight into it, without, however, neglecting the more general framework of reference. Second, writing essays and academic papers requires an extensive research job that helps building a knowledge of the subject wider and of superior quality than the one gained through a more traditional lecture method. Last, writing helps improving critical thinking, writing skills and inquiry ability, which are all key tools one would wish to master when the moment of writing her master degree thesis approaches. Indeed, having already had a sample of such learning methods during my first exchange experience at undergraduate level, I find this approach not just considerably effective, but also engaging and enjoyable. My past experience in editing as intern for the on-line socio-political magazine The New Presence has helped me mastering my English writing skills and articulating concepts concisely and in a coherent manner, while allowing me to discover and cultivate a passion for writing which I wish to put to use in the realization of my academic and carreer ambitions.
The multicultural, inclusive environment surrounding XXX reflects the peculiarity of Melbourne, whose characteristics haven't been secondary in framing my decision. A cosmopolitan and dynamic city, with a discrete yet fine charm, Melbourne has been recently rated as the world's most livable city and one of the leading cities for students in terms of students mix and, remarkably, the quality of living, certainly thanks to the care for the cultural and the recreational needs of the youngest, as well as the attention for sustainability and the implementation of green policies. The beautiful location of XXX would complement my exchange by allowing me to experience a completely new, vibrant lifestyle, in a country which is so distant from mine yet in an environment which I already sense extremely in sync with my own nature and where, therefore, I would feel at ease. Indeed, internationality is also an aspect I have always tried to prioritize in both my academic and personal life choices, having lived for about four years abroad to complete my studies as well as for job related reasons.
I therefore wish I would prove a good fit in your environment, given my previous experiences abroad, which show my flexibility and adaptability to new contexts along with a constant search of the new, a peculiar taste for the different and a genuine enthusiasm for change. My background education has been crucial in providing me with that curiosity and critical attitude that have always stimulated me to look beyond the obvious. My two years work experience as communication support in a web marketing agency completed my personal development with a practical approach to business mindset, while contributing to improve my problem solving skill and analytical thinking. Spending the last semester of my master degree at La Trobe University would thus be the most ideal way to conclude my university path conferring a more internationally diverse outlook to my profile, and to materialize my academic interests into career goals, opening the way to turn my passions into the main basis for a satisfactory professional life.
I thank you in advance for taking the time to help me!
