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Posts by erdenezaya
Name: erdenezaya
Joined: May 24, 2016
Last Post: May 25, 2016
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  
Likes: 2
From: Australia
School: university of canberra

Displayed posts: 3
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erdenezaya   
May 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / "Choosing between a house and a business" - TOEFL Essay [4]

I found that it is interesting topic. I have observed followings.

1. having a house bring(s) you. add -s to bring.
2. I have prepared to take IELTS and read several essays scored more than 7. Those essays do not use the word "therefore" in the beginning of the sentence. It is better have understanding about its location.

3. in the last paragraph, not "a house", I think "the house" because you have already mentioned about house in your essay.

4. you put very good argument in the essay, but, in general, the sentences are shorter and simple.

good luck!!!
erdenezaya   
May 24, 2016
Scholarship / My greatest appreciation to Chinese government to let Mongolian students grant scholarships [5]

hello everyone,

Please feed back on essay for Chinese government scholarship!!!

STUDY PLAN
First of all, I would like to express my greatest appreciation to Chinese government to let Mongolian students grant scholarships on behalf of the all applicants. My name is Regzedmaa. I am Mongolian and 26 years old. I graduated from National University of Mongolia with a specialization in English Education and Translation in 2010. Currently, I have been working at Mongolian National Commission for UNESCO as an Education Officer.

I am really interested in studying Education Field. The latest years, Mongolia has been expanding its foreign relations not only to Asian countries but also many European countries. As it has been coopering with other countries, there is an urgent need to prepare more and more highly educated citizens today's society. In addition to this, education sector is the main barrier in Mongolia. The more economy situation has been worse, the more children and women are suffered. If this issue has been taking longer and longer, our country's safety and security would be lost. There is no longer culture, traditions anymore.

Firstly, I mentioned about Mongolian education system. We had 10 year of compulsory education system and followed Russian educational standards until 2010. At that time, opportunities to study developed countries were limited to students who finished their secondary school, that a part why they lost it. Minister of Education, Culture and Science in Mongolia has been trying to turning education system into westernize, but it is not completed yet. A Cambridge standard is not connected with Mongolian students' mind properly. We have to create own education system fits to Mongolians' minds and meet international standards. So far today, there are about 165 universities, institutes, and high schools in Mongolia according to the estimation-2012. Not one is ranked as the world's top 10 universities. One of my dreams is to have a qualified and internationally-recognized university in our country which many foreign citizens will work hard to enroll in. I absolutely hope this would occur very soon.

Secondly, I will return to my mother country and I will eagerly love to work in the educational field in Mongolia after completing my MA degree in your prestigious country, I want to share my experiences other teachers what I will have learned and would love to renew Mongolian educational systems. Specially, I will pay special attention to the children and women in rural and remote areas in Mongolia. It has been a long time that they are separated acquiring pre-school, primary, basic, secondary education. However, everyone has the right to free education according to the constitution law of Mongolia. Some of the reasons children cannot attend the schools are nomadic lifestyle, and poverty. Half of the Mongolians have been still kept nomadic lifestyle in the countryside. They live so far from the town where the school is located. It causes difficulties for children to go to school from home. Distance between home and school is so far. School in the countryside has 2-3 shifts including morning and afternoon. In winter, it gets dark earlier around 5pm. On the one hand, parents of the children has not got any relatives in the town, children lose their chances to study when dormitory is fully filled with pupils. Therefore, we should draw attention of the officials to build more schools, dormitory and housings for teachers in both rural and urban areas. It would be a great promotion to support education sector.

Thirdly, the any foreign language is a key to communicate with all over the world. Latest years, Mongolia has been expanding and developing its relations with other countries and collaborate with different countries. So I will run my own business which will be an English school which has TESOL and teaching methodology programme for English teachers. I will contribute my experience not only students but I also share it with colleagues. One of the ways to develop our home country is that each individual has to develop personally. It could be a great asset to investing our country. I think it could intensify development progress. If we educate our younger generations well, we are able leave better world to them in the future.

Conclusion, despite expanded higher education sector and increased attendant, quality of training and graduates do not meet demand and requirement of social-economic development of the country. It is connected with the low quality educational system, loss of balance between market demand and supply of professional with higher education and unequal access to higher education by rich and poor people or by rural and urban dwellers. I fully believed that alumnus who graduated from your prominent university spread education to meet international standardization need its qualified professionals. I would tell that the best education system and a language are a fundamental to exist the country. As well as we need the best teachers in all field.
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