trangiabao
Jun 26, 2016
Scholarship / Reflecting on UWC's mission and values, what you might contribute to the school/college? Why UWC? [3]
Hi Tallialvin
After reading your essay, I see that it is pretty organized and clear. You answered all the question the topic asked you, too which is a good thing. However, there is still some mistake that I see in your essay.
1st Paragraph
Your opening question is a bit unnatural. The question sounds like it was make after you have read the school's promotion video. Try more general questions like "Is there a place for me to study in an international environment?" or things like that
2nd Paragraph
"...study harder for a sustainable future"
3rd and 4th Paragraph
I think the 3rd should join with the 2nd or the 4th should join with the 3rd. Try not to put only 1 sentence in a paragraph. It feels like you are listing when you are doing that
Overall: It is an improvement over your first draft. You have made it becomes more natural and not sounds like a sample essay. Try to get the word count exactly 300 words next time (your's was 305). It is also nice that you said that you would respect people regardless of their culture, gender, socioeconomics, racial, religious or national background because that is what UWC want to hear from there candidate and for your information, that is also UWC's aim as well so good job on that part. The part where you explain why UWC is better than others is too general, maybe you reaches the word limit, I guess?
Keep improving and this essay will easily be accepted to UWC
Ps: I'm applying for it, too
Hi Tallialvin
After reading your essay, I see that it is pretty organized and clear. You answered all the question the topic asked you, too which is a good thing. However, there is still some mistake that I see in your essay.
1st Paragraph
Your opening question is a bit unnatural. The question sounds like it was make after you have read the school's promotion video. Try more general questions like "Is there a place for me to study in an international environment?" or things like that
2nd Paragraph
"...study harder for a sustainable future"
3rd and 4th Paragraph
I think the 3rd should join with the 2nd or the 4th should join with the 3rd. Try not to put only 1 sentence in a paragraph. It feels like you are listing when you are doing that
Overall: It is an improvement over your first draft. You have made it becomes more natural and not sounds like a sample essay. Try to get the word count exactly 300 words next time (your's was 305). It is also nice that you said that you would respect people regardless of their culture, gender, socioeconomics, racial, religious or national background because that is what UWC want to hear from there candidate and for your information, that is also UWC's aim as well so good job on that part. The part where you explain why UWC is better than others is too general, maybe you reaches the word limit, I guess?
Keep improving and this essay will easily be accepted to UWC
Ps: I'm applying for it, too