Research Papers / Benefits of Video Games to Cognitive Function [2]


Develop the thesis statement here. What are parents curious about? Why? Does this entice them to play video games with their children? How does it help the parent - child relationship?


This claim requires additional development. Can you present any supporting information in relation this claim? What sort of real life application can the video game skills be applied to? Is there any evidence to support this theory? When supporting data is not present, this makes the information hearsay and invalid or, it weakens the discussion to a questionable level.

There is a slew of theoretical information contained in this paper. It is weak when it comes to evidentiary support. Personal experiences that prove the claims, or interviews of others who embody the reality of the reference would help address that missing link.

Writing Feedback / 2. Motivation for Applying for an Australia Awards Scholarship and Study Plan (maximum of 250 words) [2]

I understand that your desire to study an advanced degree in Australia is honest and something you consider important to your future. However, your personal statement is too simplistic and does not prove any reason why you need to go to Australia to study when you can study a similar course or the same course in your home country. The reason why you want to study in Australia is not a stand out topic. It is so simple that it can actually be overlooked by the reviewer. The experience that you present, the need of your organization, your excitement about studying in Australia, these are all one dimensional reasons that do not really help to boost your consideration as a potential AAS awardee.

Writing Feedback / Argumenative Essay Draft on Consumer Choice of Cultivated Meat, also known as "lab-grown" Meat [2]


This is a weakness in the paper because you did not mention this specifically as a part of the thesis statement that you developed at the start of the essay. Therefore, you altered the discussion midstream and lost focus. That is what the professor will see and judge the content by. This can be easily fixed by having you mention this as being the focal point of your thesis statement. Adjust that section to create a stronger and more concise presentation. All your topics for discussion should be introduced in the introduction paragraph because that is where you are being asked to introduce your opinion, insight, and upcoming discussion points. The essay is informative for the most part and easy to understand. The thesis statement is what I see as the weakest point here.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the rise in Cyberwarfare and ransomware and the solutions [2]

I believe that you could offer more of a background regarding the history and evolution of cyber attacks. What were the technological forms of computer based attacks that preceded it? What made those effective in attacking institutions? Was BBS ever involved in such attacks? The evolution of attacks will help the reader understand how technological developments made cyber attacking the next logical step in digital warfare.

Try to include specific examples of successful cyber attacks in your presentation. Discuss these alongside the theories and information that you managed to research. That way you will create a paper that is easier for the lay reader to understand. Your paper will not always be presented to industry experts so keeping it simple would be beneficial to your presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 02 - COUNTRYSIDE POPULATION [2]

You did a good job of restating the topic. The opinion you presented directly answers the question provided but, does not effectively close the paragraph with a proper thesis statement. What is the basis of your opinion? You should present that as the 3rd sentence to help achieve a complete thought presentation in relation to the given discussion points.


You should avoid using words of uncertainty when writing your essay. That is because these words make you seem uncertain of your opinion. There are no right or wrong answers in the task 2 essay. That is why it is important to take ownership of your opinion by using words of conviction in your discussion. You can replace might with "is". Be certain of what you are saying otherwise you cannot convince the reader that your opinion is correct and supportable.

Research Papers / The Impact of Climate Change on Global Agriculture - ENG 102: RESEARCH PAPER LESSON 11 [2]


Kindly indicate and discuss the idea temperature for raising crops. Based on your research, what is the ideal weather for raising specific crops? You are generally discussing how the rise in temperature decreases crop yield without a comparison point. So the reader cannot verify if your information is accurate or not. There needs to be a point where you can refer the reader to information that can help them decide if your statement is accurate or not.


You are only defining the terms here. Provide examples of crops that have been successfully cultivated under these practices. Explain what makes these alternative methods better than the traditional way. Explain if there are any fears regarding using these alternative crop raising methods.

Letters / Motivational Letter for Erasmus Mundus Master Nanoscience and Nanotechnology program [2]

Your letter contains some interesting points but lacks the advanced presentation style and chronological information delivery that should be accompanying the dual course major interest. The presentation sounds more like a draft that requires more editing in terms of content. The information you are discussing is relevant, but it needs to be given a more advanced tone and use more advanced English language. It will probably help to have a human writer help you rewrite this essay so that it can better meet the EM writing standards. However, if you wish to use this in its current form, then you may do so. Your simplistic presentation just might stand out to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 02 - IT LESSONS AND THE USE OF COMPUTERS IN CLASSES [2]


Incorrect word usage. You are using a reference of ownership when you should be referencing the general term, without the apostrophe S.


You are altering the original text. This will be considered a prompt deviation and cause deductions to be made to your paraphrasing of the statement.

The discussion paragraphs are not grammatically correct but you get your idea across to the reader just the same. So I do not expect you to receive heave C+C deductions. However, the closing statement is missing the topic restatement as the first sentence and that will force deductions for an otherwise good closing paragraph.

In fairness, your thesis statement is correctly developed. The response to the 2 questions are properly connected in the sentence, without turning it into a run on.

Writing Feedback / ENG 102: Teen mental health after the pandemic [2]


You need to clarify these 2 sentences. I find these confusing and difficult to connect with the Covid pandemic. You should be opening with a study of pre pandemic mental health among teens as a reference, then move on to the pandemic and post pandemic data as the basis of your thesis. Your lack of proper English thought presentation is the biggest problem that this research paper must overcome.

I have been reading the rest of the essay and I have to say that one of the weakest points of your essay is the way that you form your thoughts without clarity in the presentation. I find it difficult to follow what you are saying. You start off saying a positive, then suddenly turn it into a negative. That shows that you have a problem in forming proper English sentences and also, collating your thoughts into an understandable paragraph. You are confusing your time frame references. You are using the present tense for the past information and the past tense for the present information. You need professional help in editing this paper to allow it to make proper sense to the academic reader.

Research Papers / research paper on police mental health [2]

The paper is very interesting. The men in blue truly face mental challenges every day that they work for the police force and do their personal best to keep the community safe. Your paper focuses on the data that exists about police officer attacks and other information but, I feel that you should also include a mention as to how police officers are coping with the mental problem in the light of a lack of professional mental healthcare for them within the police force. Surely it would be interesting to include what they do to cope with the sadness and physical dangers of the job once they are off the clock. That information should also be represented in your study so as to bring a more accurate possible solution to the problem to the end of the paper.

Research Papers / ENG 102 Research Paper -- Privacy In Today's Digital World [2]


I feel like there is an idea or representation of a subject missing in this sentence. It is not completely developed.


This sentence does not tie in very well with the rest of the paragraph. It can be deleted without affecting the overall content of this section


So what is your thesis statement? How do you propose to solve these problems? Always state possible solutions after stating the problem. Complete the thesis presentation.

The essay is weak overall because all it does it highlight the problems of internet security, without discussing possible solutions to the problems presented. This can be remedied by presenting possible or existing solutions at the latter portion of each problem discussion. Adding your personal experience with privacy violations will also help to add to the authenticity of the research.

Research Papers / Research about the effects of high drug prices [2]


This is a sweeping statement that is not based on facts. Or, you might have the facts for it but failed to present it as a part of this section. In which case, your claim becomes hearsay. Offer a comparison of international drug prices prior to making this claim in order to repair the validity of your statement.


This section indicates that drug prices grew at this point. What do you think the true underlying reason is? What were drug prices originally based upon?


Try to give examples that support or further explain these reasons to the ordinary reader. Can you find out how research is priced? What are the factors considered when pricing medications? Base price for research? Marketing campaigns?

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 01 - MAPS - Central Library [3]

This essay should not be more than 200 words. That is the maximum you can write within 20 minutes. 282 words indicates that you took at least 40 minutes to write this task. Which means you will not be able to complete this task within the allotted time frame. Failure to complete the task within the allotted time will result in an automatic failing score.

There is no need to be highly descriptive of the location of things in the report. That is because the reader does not have access to the image you have been provided with so a general description is always sufficient for the task 1 essay. Do your best to keep it simple and complete the essay within 175-200 words only. Otherwise, you risk failing the test based on a technicality.

Research Papers / Youth sports specialization - research paper [2]


This is redundant. Just say infrequently.

Do not make it a habit to close a paragraph with an in-text citation. You should add some information to that such as a personal opinion or public knowledge/opinion. It is not academically acceptable to close with a citation.

The paper still has room for more information. For instance, you have not discussed the role of the athlete himself in youth sports specialization. You have claimed that the parents and coaches are the main culprit, completely forgetting that they would not be able to force the issue if the athlete refused to take part in the exercise. So try to explain what the role of the athlete is in the promotion of this cause. Do they see it as a good or bad thing? Why? Develop the discussion that you touched upon in one of the paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / The number of old people is increasing. What are the advantages and disadvantages? [2]


The task 2 essay will never ask you to attest to the validity of a claim being made in the subject prompt. You should never try to prove or disprove the given statement as that is considered a prompt deviation and will lead to an automatic failing score in the TA section because you altered the prompt topic and as a result, failed to properly paraphrase the original presentation.


You cannot begin a sentence with a conjunction. This will lead to a failing GRA score since it shows that you are not familiar with English sentence structure rules and you do not know how to form simple English sentences properly.

The prompt paraphrase + writer's opinion is too short. You have written a run-on sentence in a paragraph that requires 3-5 sentences to create a proper representation of the original discussion. This aspect of the presentation alone already guarantees that your essay will not receive a passing score.

Scholarship / Motivation (Agricultural Sciences) - AUSTRALIAN AWARDS 2026 Reintergration plan. [2]

Your essay is over the maximum word count by 4 words. That problem can be easily addressed by simply editing one of the sentences in the essay to shorten it. A simple revision will suffice to help you meet the word count. The reason that you are applying for the scholarship does not mention anything about how your interests and studies align with the program being offered by the university you are interested in attending. The reviewer will become familiar with what you want to study, but not how you plan to pursue those studies at the university. That is something that you should be pointing out in detail within this essay. You are too focused on your country's program explanation that you have forgotten that the program and the curriculum of the university need to align in order to better your chances of being awarded the scholarship.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 (a report) The charts below show the average retirement age for men and women in 2004 [2]

The report does not feel complete. Were there no age figures indicated in the bar graph? You speak of the percentages, which does not make sense to the reader since there is no basis for the information that you are providing. Where are these figures based on? I guess it is this lack of proper age comparison that led to the somewhat repetitive, but non-in formative report presentation on your part. You need to make the age comparisons clear in relation to the percentages. Work on your formatting as well. You need to provide a minimum of 3 clear paragraphs in the presentation. You cannot compress them onto the page. Make sure to hit the enter button to create the necessary space between paragraphs.

Undergraduate / personal statement- smart security UIC track [5]

Try to focus more on the development of your cybersecurity skills in relation to the university you are applying to. Remember that you are applying via University track and therefore, must reconcile your academic aspirations, academic qualifications, and experiences, with the university entrance requirements. Discuss why you chose the university. What is special about its Cybersecurity degree? Why do you believe that Korea is the best place to study this course? That is not defined in this version and should be addressed in the revision. Always work towards aligning your academic and career goals with the curriculum or training that the university offers. That way you can show a more relevant development of your interest in pursuing the course in Korea.

Scholarship / Oil and Gas Engineering - Church GYD - Chevening Leadership & Influence [2]

While the reviewer will admire the work that you did with your local church, it does not feel like the kind of leadership and influencing that the scholarship is looking for. The Chevening scholarship is actually non denominational so it is best to avoid using religious references in your application. It is usually better to present your leadership and influencing traits based upon a professional background. This is more advisable because you can usually tie in your leadership and influencing essay with your networking essay. The combination of the two will result in an image of future leadership in a manner that the scholarship is looking for. While this essay can serve the purpose, it is not along the professional lines that the scholarship requires.

Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus Joint Master in Imaging Program [2]

When applying for a masters course, it is not important to get into your academic history. What matters more in the motivational letter is your work experience in the field that you are applying for. Consolidating your undergraduate studies with your work experience is always the best way to go in this case. The reviewer should not need to read the whole letter to get to your point. Try to open the statement with the motivation immediately, then work your way back. That way the reviewer will get the necessary information upfront and not need to search for the information that he requires. Try to lengthen your professional history. It is too short when it is one of the major considerations for your motivational letter.

Writing Feedback / Scientific research should be carried out and controlled by the governments [2]

It is important that you use everyday English words to help increase your LR score. Other eis a misconception among IELTS takers that the examiners are looking for advanced English word usage skills among the test takers. They are actually looking for the ability of the test taker to carry out conversational English using everyday words, as one would do in a classroom setting. Sounding like a dictionary will actually lessen your chances of getting a higher LR score because there is a tendency to use the advanced words out of context.

The essay is also a single opinion discussion rather than a comparative presentation. The reviewer will score this essay based upon an incorrect response format, which would lead to a failing score. The discussion should solely be in support of your own opinion, rather than comparing both sides. You were asked if you agree or disagree, you were not asked to compare and contrast your opinion with the opposing side. Therefore, the essay is not properly discussing the topic as per writing guidelines.

Research Papers / Artificial Intelligence in Medical Diagnosis: Innovations, Ethical Challenges, and Future Directions [2]

It is extremely difficult to read this paper due the non formatted presentation. I cannot tell if the paper has a beginning at this point because the introduction is all wrong. There are not supposed to be any citations at the start of the paper and the introduction should be short enough to highlight the thesis statement at the end. The presentation is too busy and difficult to follow. That said, I did take the time to try and follow the discussion that was presented, even though it was difficult to keep track of the presentation due to the tightness on the page. The review you have presented sounds accurate and highly informed. You present a good case for the rise of AI in the medical field.

Essays / How to write an AFS personal statement? [3]

The AFS is mostly an intercultural exchange program so your personal statement should revolve around that topic. Why did you gain an interest in the American Field Service program? What benefits do you think the program can offer you and vice versa? Convince the reviewer that you have relevant experiences that would benefit the other people in the program. Give examples of your growth and adaptability based upon the program demands and your life experiences. It is important that you highlight how your character is well suited the program based upon the alignment of your personal values with the traits they are looking for in candidates. Just keep the essay easy going and light, but not too light. You don't need to be overly serious with the presentation. Balance it with some humor and light hearted reference that would show your balanced personality to the reviewer.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Erasmus Mundus Joint Master Program in Mathematical Modelling (MATHS DISC) [5]

While the content of this essay is impressive, it totally fails to address the motivations that have compelled you to apply for this program. The reviewer will be looking for information in relation to your academic deficiencies which would have affected your job performance. Since your lack of academic training will have affected your work output, this would be seen as a motivating factor for your interest in the course. If you do not have any academic deficiency, then your motivation should be profession related. Why do you want to pursue this course as a stepping stone in your career? Where do you see your career heading that it requires this type of study? Do a future projection of your career goals aside from this academic biography. In truth, the motivational aspect is the weakest point of this essay. It is too vague to be considered an actual motivational letter.

Letters / Review request: Letter of intent for ELAP Scholarship (Canada) [5]

The essay should be focused more on your future career plans, with a solid discussion of how your plans align with the offerings of the program. This essay fails to accomplish that task. You waited until almost the last paragraph to address what should have been the focal point of the letter of intent. You under explained that aspect and do not really show how your future career plans align with the scholarship. Your academic biography and other accomplishments are not relevant to the letter of intent. What is important, it to show your intent to study a specific course, based upon your specific career projections. These are the only considerations that should be presented in this letter. Everything else, should only be presented in a short form.

Writing Feedback / Ecotourism - TOEFL WRİTİNG TASK [2]

The word requirement for this type of TOEFL writing task is 250-300 words. You have written less than 200 words so I am not confident that you will achieve a passing score for this essay. There is a chance that you have summarized your explanation and analysis so much, that the reader may end up confused by your presentation rather than being interested and informed by your written piece. I feel that you could have expanded more on the explanations and comparison points for the 2 types of information sources. That is because even though these share the same topic, there are 2 opposing sides to be considered. In this case, there could have been more of a proper comparison if you had done an expanded explanation for each source first.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Education and Technology MA University College London (UCL) [2]

Well, you certainly have the academic, professional, and volunteer requirements to be considered for this scholarship. However, these do not ensure that you will be a shoo-in for the scholarship as there will be other applicants just as skilled and experienced as you are who are applying for the same scholarship. I believe that you can stand out by having a more impressive long term career plan. There are some aspects that you can expand upon to help your application. For example:


Is this a currently existing program or one that you are going to create when you return home? You need to be specific about describing this because it is the first undertaking you will have after completing the scholarship program.

You constantly mention Jendala, Jakarta. It becomes redundant and a bit irritating to read in the presentation. Try to vary it. You could just say Jendala since the reviewer already knows you are from Jakarta.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Agriculture land degradation [3]


This is considered a cut and paste of the original description. You have to restate this in your own words. A cut and paste presentation will result in TA and GRA deductions in the preliminary score.


Incorrect word usage. You will receive an LR penalty. Affection means a gentle feeling of fondness or liking. The word you should have used is effect, that means a change which is a result or consequence of an action or other cause.


Just say "overall".

You are skilled at presenting the actual information, but you have a problem when it comes or paraphrasing and word meaning. Your English skills in those departments will be what will you to get a non passing score during the actual test.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Master 1 in Life Sciences - PSL [3]

The paper you have written is more of an academic biography. This is not the same as a motivational letter. There should be 2 clear, stand out reasons in your motivational letter. The academic reason and the professional reason. This focuses only on your academic history which, although a part of a motivational letter, does not complete the required information for the letter. I am not sure if you were given a specific writing guide for this essay so I am offering you an observation based on the standard requirements for a motivational letter. The way I see it, this motivational letter can use more of a profession direction. Balance out the professional direction, needs, and academic requirements to meet the proper information content for a motivational letter.

Scholarship / personal statement or GKS at the Faculty of Translation and Management [2]

The opening section is confusing to read. The statements are not directly related to each other and these are not mentioned again in the body of the essay so it seems irrelevant to open with such information.

Are you applying via university track? I am not sure why you are discussing the partnership between the Korean and other university. That is not normally discussed as it is considered unimportant to the discussion.

You have mixed in future plans, study plans, and other prompts into this personal statement. This tells me that you are writing this personal statement without the writing guide information that you need. I urge you to write a more appropriate personal statement. One that better aligns with the writing standards set by each prompt. This essay does not meet the information requirements for a personal statement.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay: Professional Relationship-Building Skills [2]

The first paragraph contains names that the reviewer may wish to verify in the future as part of the due diligence on your application process. Make sure that these people know they may be contacted by the reviewer to confirm the information you have claimed in this presentation.

You may opt to further explain why you decided to reach out these people. You only mention their work specializations, but not if they are a member of an organization that you are a member of, a leader in the field that you met (and how), or, if these people mentored you early in your career.

There are paragraphs later on that confuse your leadership essay with your networking essay. Do not interchange these as there are specific prompts for each discussion. You have to make sure that you focus on the correct prompt topics throughout the essay.

Scholarship / Personal Statement Essay || GKS-U 2025 (UIC TRACK) Smart Security - Konyang University [2]

Congratulations on being accepted into this rigorous scholarship program for undergraduates. I commend you for the essay that you submitted for your application. However, I am going to refrain from commenting on your essay for 2 reasons. The first, is because you have already been accepted into the program so anything I have to say will be moot. Second, there is no sense in commenting on an essay that you did not ask me to review pre-submission. We have a policy of not commenting on essays that have already been successfully submitted by the student as there is nothing more to comment on, correct, or improve upon in that case. Your work, on your own was satisfactory to the admissions committee so I should refrain from commenting on it. I hope you understand.

Writing Feedback / Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think a younger lead [2]


This will be considered a prompt deviation since you have changed the discussion instructions for this essay. The prompt restatement is accurate but the discussion only asks for you to agree or disagree with the given statement. It does not ask you to provide a personal opinion for discussion. Therefore, you will be judged by the examiner as not having responded to the essay as instructed. This will cause you to receive an automatic failing mark. Though you could receive scores for the LR, C+C, and GRA rubics, you cannot receive a passing score in the TA section, which will lead to an insurmountable low score both in the preliminary and final scoring consideration.

Scholarship / GOI-IES Scholar - IRELAND SCHOLARSHIP [2]

When you are asked to discuss how Ireland will contribute to your professional growth, you should address how you will use the knowledge in your profession, rather than discuss the academic aspect of the situation. Consider this essay the equivalent of your plans after completing the course discussion. Consider discussing your networking exposure in a professional capacity in Ireland. In exchange, you will share your Vietnamese network with the Irish and other nationality students enrolled in the program. How will this network grow your professional capacity?

On the personal aspect, would you consider being a green investor in Ireland or encouraging family members to invest in Ireland? Why? How would you go about doing that?

Writing Feedback / Draft email for Negative message to NewTech about Samsung phone [2]


This time frame is too far away for the letter. When you have a complaint, the receipt of that notification should be dated no later than 2 weeks from the delivery date. Also, you have to mention if the delivery was done by the store where you bought the phone or, if it was outsourced as this is a service issue for their partner company to be made aware of. These details should be indicated in the early part of the email as a part of your observation.

In the 2nd part, you are mentioning what I believe to be the condition of the parcel as delivered to you. However, you are describing it as a 3rd person in the scenarion. You need to take ownership of the situation by describing how you received the parcel box.

The rest of your email is proper and acceptable. You will receive some deductions due to the information oversight though.

Letters / Letter of Motivation for Master's degree in Human-Computer Interaction (HCI) [2]


This is obviously related to your motivation so it would be a good idea for you to discuss a summary of your thesis by first mentioning it's title and focus, then the results. Tie it into the application by indicating an inspiration from it that fueled your desire for advanced studies.


It would be a good idea for you to mention where you worked on these projects in the preceding paragraph. That way the motivation will tie in directly to a verifiable work experience for you. It will better highlight your motivation to pursue this line as well.


This sounds like a cut and paste of information you found online. A true motivation would highlight the courses that you feel will contribute directly to your skills and professional development. While you did mention these above, it is important to reiterate that motivation as the reason why you chose this course at this university.

Scholarship / GOI-IES scholarships - LINKAGE BETWEEN VIETNAM AND IRELAND [2]


I am not sure how this might work since the neutrality goals are Ireland specific. Perhaps you can think of another way to connect the investors on both sides with a more connected project?

That is the only section of this essay that I found myself questioning. I believe that the rest of the essay is fairly strong and highlights your interest in Ireland as a student and as a professional. It would appear that you have career goals that can really tie the two countries together and I can sense that you have given great thought to this matter. Something that the reviewer will appreciate. This is a well developed essay, except for the portion I mentioned above.

Scholarship / limited access to information - GKS Future plan + Goal of study [3]

You have redacted so much important information in your essay that I cannot truly say if you have provided enough information or not for the reviewer to consider your response complete. At first glance, your essay seems too short Bo provide a proper future plan + goal of study. I would advise you to expand the discussion based on that observation. With the GKS scholarship, the reviewers prefer that you give thorough explanations based on the writing guide. They need to fully understand your response based on the information that you will be writing about. I am not sure what else I can say about your essay since you blacked out information so much, I do not know where your response is headed or what it is based upon. I can only guess and offer what I hope is related advice.

Scholarship / Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? - AAS Public Policy [3]

You are not being fully informative in your presentation. Consider that you should have a more expanded discussion of how these courses can be applied to your current profession and you will see how your mere restatement of the program will not help the reviewer understand how you plan to implement what you will be learning in your workplace. Your over descriptive opening paragraph is not really necessary as these information should be tied in directly with each course you are considering admission to. While the opening paragraph projects your future career, you should never separate that from your proposed course and institution courses. See where you can fit in these information in terms of course choices and revise your essay to create a more concise and university related response instead.

Scholarship / Immersing myself in Irish society - GOI-IES SCHOLARSHIP 2025-2026 [2]


This is a totally empty and unnecessary reference. I suggest that you delete this an open strong by making the current 2nd paragraph the first paragraph instead. It has more of an impact upon the reader.


Do not reference academics in this statement. You are expected to discuss your social immersion plans to help you fit into the student community. You are being tested regarding your ability to merge your culture with the Irish culture. How do you plan to become a responsible and productive part of the community? It has nothing to do with academics. Consider your social skills and what you can offer in terms of helping to develop the international relationship between the 2 countries instead. Focus only on the social presentation.