Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 Discussion - The study of food science and its preparation [2]

This is a 5 paragraph discussion essay. The format for the information presentation should be based on a 2 paragraph general discussion along with a single paragraph personal opinion. Based on the way that you framed your prompt restatement, you failed to accomplish the required discussion format presentation. Your thesis statement is based on a singular personal opinion as opposed to the 3 reasons presentation expectation. Your restatement should clearly state each public point of view before your supporting opinion for one of the two presentations.

While you wrote more than the required word count, the fact that you did not properly follow the discussion instruction means that your length did nothing for your score. It is useless to write an extremely long essay such as this, when it disregards the discussion requirement that the score will be based on. The essay focuses only on topic presentations but do not carry a clear explanation, with examples, of why these reasons should be considered proper for the discussion. There is a lack of clarity in the overall discussion presentation.

Scholarship / "Things are getting complicated..." - Personal Statement - Erasmus Mundus IMSISS Scholarship [2]

EM-IMSISS is a highly competitive scholarship to apply for. You have to understand that the applicants for this program have solid work experience and actual work related motivations, career goals, and constant localized training for their skills improvement. These are the aspects that are missing from your application, which probably contributed to your removal from the scholarship consideration. Your essay is too amateur and academic focused. The actual professional application of your studies do not really lend to a strong application. You cannot use the same information for your next application. You have to write a new application essay that will reflect the improvements you have undertaken with regards to your work experience and local training. By local training, I mean seminars, training sessions, skills improvement programs, and other similar programs that your company or facility might offer you. Skills and training that would help show a career direction and possibly, skills development that you can share with other scholars if you are awarded the scholarship during the next application season.

Writing Feedback / Do the advantages of shopping online outweigh the disadvantages? [4]

While your discussion presentation is acceptable for the discussion, I feel that you could have done better by using the comparative format for the discussion. That means, offering a perceived disadvantage, then turning the tables and proving that it is actually a great advantage to the buyer. Try to consider the alternative discussion points since this could be considered a comparative essay. Advantage over disadvantage. Why do people think it is a disadvantage? How can you prove it is an advantage? That sort of discussion consideration can prove to clarify your opinion and support your discussion in a highly coherent and cohesive manner. Your first reasoning paragraph is good, but only personal in consideration. A general reference or public discussion point would have been more efficient in this case. The second reason tends to be a prompt deviation because it is not referring to the ease of shopping but rather, employment creation, which is not a consideration in the original prompt.

Scholarship / Petroleum Geoscience - Supporting statement for AAS about choose proposed course and institution [2]

Try to avoid ranking the schools as your first and second choices. You must appear to be interested and motivated to study in either school which the scholarship committee might approve for you to study at. Base your choice of the school and university on the relevance of the curriculum on your research. Discuss how the curriculum lends itself to educating you based on your career goals or research interests. It is the application of the studies that matter to the reviewer. While the mentor aspect is worth mentioning, you have to know that you may not have that professor as your mentor should you be chosen to attend that university. That is why it is better to not rank the universities and also, not mention specific professors you hope to study under. It appears that you are dictating your choice, rather than merely suggesting possible options for your scholarship studies.

Writing Feedback / Many believe that individuals can do little to improve the environment. [3]


- This sentence does not make any sense. How does this relate to information from the original prompt. You are not clear on the subject or intention of this sentence thus making it stressful for the reader to analyze. This will lower your GRA score.


- Another statement that does not make any sense. You could have ended the sentence at "enterprises can make difference" then offered a few reasons for the opinion rather than saying "reasons under." This leaves the reader questioning the reasons. Reasons such as? Reasons under what? Another cause for heavy GRA points deductions.

The main problem with your essay is in the clarity of your presentation. I can see evidence that you understood the prompt and what you are required to discuss. The problem, is that you are not properly translating your response from your mother tongue to English. That is why the sentence structures are all incorrect, unclear, and little developed. You have to practice thinking and writing in English rather than translating from your first language to your second language. That is the big reason why your essay will fail.

Writing Feedback / Celebrity lives in the media - ( to what extent do u agree or disagree ) [2]

As this is an extent essay, your actual opinion must be presented in the paraphrasing section to help represent your thesis statement. In essence, the concluding paragraph that you wrote should be in the restatement section because it offers information the examiner is looking for:

- A clear opinion on the topic
- Reasons for your opinion
- A complete assessment of the discussion topic

Combined, these would all help to increase your TA score as your opinion will be immensely clear to the examiner. Always remember that you are first scored on the clarity of your opinion and understanding of the given topic before anything else.

It also appears that you have misunderstood the original topic for the discussion. Comparing it to the original prompt, I see the following response error:

OT: They have no right to complain when they feel the media are intruding on their privacy.
YT: I think the media should change their object and pay more attention to the ordinary people.

it would appear that there is a prompt deviation in your restatement. Since you did not provide the original prompt for this topic, I am basing this assumption on the commonly used prompt for this. Now, if you are responding to a different topic, then you should have included the original prompt for a more accurate review. As far as I can read, and as far as I know, your essay does not meet passing score guidelines.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, not enough students choose science subjects in university in many countries. What are the [2]

I cannot continue to review this essay as it falls under the minimum word count. Out of 250 words, you have only provided a 225 word discussion. That means the full essay is going to be considered under developed and lacking in substance (coherence and clarity of discussion). There is no clear discussion path provided in response to the prompt questions in the restatement either. The lack of thesis representation made the paraphrase slightly confusing to read as the point of the discussion and your opinion are not clear to the reader. Like i said, It is difficult for me to accurately judge your ability to properly respond to the prompt due to the short word count. It would be better for you to practice writing within the minimum word count first to ensure that you will not receive word shortage penalties at the start of the essay scoring consideration. When you are short on the word count, it is often difficult to garner a passing score at the end.

Scholarship / Information Systems - supporting statement for AAS about choose proposed course and institution [3]

You have to lessen the information in the first paragraph to contain only the actual professional goal for your studies, not your academic background or employment history. From there, choose 2 universities and 2 courses or one university and 2 courses for your course and institution. There is an incorrect focus on your educational and work background in this essay. You have to build the second and third paragraphs in reference to the course/s and educational institution/s based on your actual career goals upon your return to your home country. Right now, you are also too focused on Covid-19 in the presentation. We will not always be in a pandemic state so a reference to preparations post pandemic in your profession may also help improve your proposed course and institution discussions.

Scholarship / Essay about solving a challenge - AAS application for course in MBA [3]

You need to clarify what your role in the team was. Sure you were a leader, but what sort? Were you the lead supervisor? Did you have to report to someone higher? What were your duties and responsibilities? You do not make the importance of reorganizing the research center relevant. Of what importance was this department that it was imperative its records be better organized and more easily accessed? You do not cover what departments and other organizational heads were involved in this undertaking. You say "we" but do not refer with specifics and explanations to help address the "people or organizations you worked with" portion of the discussion.

Scholarship / "Upon completing my postgraduate degree in the UK......" - Commonwealth Scholarship Impact Statement [2]

You are speaking of research you will have done as a student. The prompt actually requires a description of the actual implementation of a specific program that will be based on your newly acquired knowledge and skills from your graduate studies. While you do have an admirable outcome in mind for your research project (again, this should be a more solid and viable application within your workplace), you failed to deliver a clear timeline for your project. The timeline should have a breakdown of expected accomplishments in phases or per year basis. The beneficiaries you have indicated refer only to your country. It would be best to involve the UK and Commonwealth states in this reference as you are applying for a scholarship that has specific member countries. The more shareable your research or technology is, the better chance you will have consideration for the scholarship.

Scholarship / Essay for Australia award scholarship (master of finance) Why proposed course prompt [3]

You are discussing a personal statement that is not directly related to the prompt being provided. The only question you have to answer is "Why this course? Why at this university?" Answer that question twice based on 2 course and university choices as required by the scholarship application. You responded to the professional reason in the first paragraph. That helps inform the reviewer. However, your educational background is not required information in this prompt and does not help the reviewer understand why you truly chose to study in Australia. The essay response, though long enough, does not provide the required information and as such, could result in the disqualification of your application. Your second course choice does not show a career interest or development. It is little discussed unlike the previous course choice. Remove all of the unnecessary discussion points and just focus on the actual point of discussion in your presentation.

Scholarship / Social sciences - AAS Supporting Statement for LLM Study in Australia [4]

There is normally a 2 year work experience requirement for masters course students. It appears you do not have the work experience required yet. However, that is not to say that you cannot directly apply for the essay as some give leeway or exceptions for certain courses and students. I have to consider though, that your explanation is quite elementary and does not truly warrant the need for a masters course. Even if the job you currently have requires it. Why is that? There is a lack of professional justification for your course interest and need to study abroad. Why can't you study the same course in your country instead? Why did you opt for Australia and these universities? The most important aspects of the discussion are not well developed in this presentation. There is a lack of professional application, career improvement goals, and personal development representation in the discussion. You also need to further expand the course and university discussion per course and university choice.

Scholarship / AAS - Choosing MBA will be the most proper course for me to learn how to be a great leader [3]

The discussion you have provided is good but limited. You have shown your personal reasons for wishing to complete an MBA and you have offered one university choice for your course completion. However, the scholarship requires that you present 2 university and course choices for the scholarship. Try to incorporate your first 2 paragraphs to create a more concise personal and academic reason for your course choice. Then offer one paragraph each for the university and specific course choices at the university. You may opt for the same course at different universities, using 2 different reasons for the university choices or, different course choices at different universities with specific reasons per course. That way you will be able to show that you truly considered all of the possibilities in achieving your masters course certification.

Writing Feedback / Funds for system that provides people with various kinds of transportation to commute [2]

Your discussion is short by 2 words of the minimum 250 word count. There will still be a minimal percentage deduction for the missing 2 words. I know, it is only 2 words but deductions will still be applied to your TA score, aside from the main deduction to that scoring section.

The main deduction, that will be based on your discussion not being in relation to the given prompt is the way that you discussed the essay. There is a prompt deviation as the prompt indicated:

OP: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
R: From my perspective, the fiscal budget carries no responsibility to fund public transportation.

So the essay will definitely not get a passing TA score, which will most likely result in an overall failing score. Your essay cannot be scored properly in the remaining considerations due to the fact that your essay does not meet the minimum discussion requirements based on word count and discussion instructions.

Writing Feedback / These days, in many countries, fewer and fewer people want to become teachers in secondary schools [3]

The first sentence is a run-on. Try to limit your sentences to a true mix of simple and complex presentations. the constant use of commas in a presentation results in a run-on which will cause GRA deductions in your score. There is a need for a proper thesis statement in the last part which will offer a response to the question, while also allowing the reader to understand what question you were asked and responded to. It is not enough to simply repeat the instructions in that section. In an actual academic paper, you will need to be able to properly cite your case, reasons, and solutions. That is what the examiner is looking for. Evidence that you know how to write in the UK and US academic standards.

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Writing Feedback / Nuclear energy is a better choice for meeting increasing demand, agree or disagree? [3]

Your overall approach to the discussion is incorrect. This is a single opinion essay based on an agree or disagree question. You are discussing it using an A/D format which shows that you misunderstood the question and discussion instructions. You are using an incorrect discussion format which will result in a failing TA score. Then, in the conclusion, you used a measured extent response to close the essay rather than a proper summary conclusion format. An additional reason as to why this essay cannot achieve a passing score.

When the question is Agree/Disagree, you have to decide on your opinion of the topic provided, based on included reasons, then pick an opinion that you will defend based on a personal understanding of additional reasons. You cannot change the discussion format to one that you have chosen because that is a prompt deviation and will always result in a failing score cue to questionable English comprehension skills.

Writing Feedback / The maps below show the development of a particular area from 1965 to the present day [2]

Your summary overview is incorrect. It must give a description and identification of the images being provided. You are not giving the description of the previous plan, which resulted in a major change in the new plan. The major change represents the trending statement in this case. You have not really provided useful information in your summary. You are assuming that the reader has a copy of the image. The actual assumption is that the reader does not have a copy of the image so your report will be the only basis of a mental picture for the reader. You failed to do that in the first paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Why is cycling not popular in many places? And how to increase its popularity? [2]

You are being asked 2 direct questions at the end of the original prompt. You are required to give a direct response to each question as these constitute your discussion body and thesis statement. There is no clear response given to the questions which means that you are not really sure of your opinion and how to discuss it. It is best to always present the discussion responses as these are scored as a part of the TA section of your final score. Single sentence response that incorporate the original question in the response helps to move the essay forward, describing the instructions that were provided, won't help your score. The examiner already knows what the questions are, he is expecting to read your response to the questions in a format that tells him what to expect in the discussion paragraphs. You don't need to discuss the responses, just give the examiner an idea of how relevant your response might be to the question provided.

Learn to use transition sentences within your paragraphs. Your discussion points are good, but not really related to one another. A transition sentence will help your Coherence score as it will create a bridge, commonality, and discussion connection between the 2 otherwise unrelated points. For example:

... time budget. Then, there is the question of discomfortt during travel time. Cars have air conditioners to keep the traveler cool during hot days, bicycles do not...

The addition of the transition sentence creates the cohesiveness the examiner will look for with regards to the relationship between your reasoning topics.

Writing Feedback / Reasons to support the idea of having new teachers each year [3]

The mere fact that you wrote only 178 words assures that this presentation will not get a passing score. The minimum word count is 250 words. Writing less than that number will result in severe percentage deductions in the TA section. The pre-scoring count for your essay, without considering the other scoring sections yet, will already be in the failing range. Once the collective errors are added up, in addition to the word count deductions, it will be difficult for you to get a passing score in the test.

It is better if you support your perspective with at least 2 reasons that you will be using for your topic discussion paragraphs. That is because the reasons you provide will help support the clarity of your opinion and create a thesis statement for your essay. A thesis statement is a must in all of the academic papers written in the UK and USA. Showing the examiner you understand the format of an UK or USA academic paper will help increase your scoring considerations based on TA accuracy.

Avoid using phrase fillers such as "first and foremost". These are well known phrases used to increase the word count, but not really add to the essence of the discussion. Always start off with the topic sentence instead. That is usually the rest of the presentation you have after the word filler. Be direct in all discussion presentations as these add to the clarity and coherence of your discussion. Always present a minimum of 3, maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph. That way you assure yourself of meeting the minimum word count.

The concluding summary should present the summary of previous discussion. By stating the topic, your opinion, and supporting reasons in 3 sentences, you will manage to further add to the clarity of your opinion and show that you are capable of discussing the same topic in a quick but informative manner, as if you were doing a graded recitation in class.

Scholarship / Digital and technology transformation - AAS application for MBA [3]

Your discussion about the schools should not include any rankings. You may discuss the university choices in relation to your course choice in any manner except rankings. That is because you are "profiling" the Australian universities, which does not sit well with the reviewers. As far as they are concerned, their universities all have the same ranking since you, a foreigner, wishes to come to their country, on their dime as a scholar, to study at their educational institutions. No preferences on your end. That is not going to be considered by the review committee. Discuss each university based on merit, not ranking or personal preferences. The merit is based on how each university training program and course will help your career move forward by educating you regarding your shortcomings in your field of work at the moment. So no saying "The best MBA program" or "my second preference". Your "preference" will be obvious based on your knowledge of the program offering and excitement when discussing the program you have chosen to study. The mere listing you present the universities in the essay will already signal the reviewer as to your first and second choices. No need to be direct about it.

Graduate / "Accessibility" - Personal statement for MSc in HPPF in LSE [2]

Your discussion is heavily focused on the reasons why you want to study MSc in Public Health. You failed to properly develop an explanation in relation to why you chose the school and how it fits into your career objectives. This is a 4 paragraph essay that should be equally focused on the 3 discussion points (one per paragraph) and a convincing appeal paragraph at the end. Revise the essay to show an equal discussion presentation for each question. Do not over focus on a single topic because that is not the only consideration for the reviewers. Your reason for taking the course is only 1 part of a 3 part discussion consideration.

Scholarship / Learning Success - Personal Statement - GKS Graduate University Track [3]

Do you have a career objective that motivates you to take up this masters course? You mentioned Walt Disney at the start but your essay failed to circle towards that quote and its relevance to your career motivation in the overall presentation. You also mentioned separately that you really want to complete this masters course, but the motivation that drives this desire in you cannot be found in the essay. The essay is strong in all aspects, except the motivation by which you decided to apply for this program.

The missing points in this essay are:
- The career motivation / professional ambition that shows a career goal that will be supported by the studies
- The academic considerations, training, and learning goal that helped you choose the universities you are applying to directly.

You should focus on the most important aspects for consideration in this presentation. As a university track application, the reviewer needs to read about how various motivating factors led to:

- The decision to study in Korea (academic and professional factors)
- The desire to learn that pushed you to choose specific masters courses at these universities.

Scholarship / AAS scholarship question: why did I choose my course - Master of Engineering (Civil and Structure) [6]

Unfortunately, this is not the type of essay that actually responds to the prompt provided. The question is why you chose the course and institution. The essay must present either the same course, based on an interest in 2 universities in Australia or, 2 courses based on 2 universities in the country. It should not represent only your personal interests in the course. The personal and career interests need to show how the courses you have chosen will augment certain knowledge / problems or lack of skills on your part. The universities need to excel in the field of your choice, based on your academic and professional goals, to be of service as a reason to study there. The essay requires specifics, your essay is an over generalization which will not be of interest to the reviewer as it shows that you lack familiarity with the courses and universities in Australia and how these actually can be helpful to your future career path.

Undergraduate / [KGSP-U] Our Future is Determined by Our Reactions, Not by Our Situations [2]


This is the worst reason / motivation to study in Korea. Unless you have an actual dream / career goal / ambition that you hope to pursue, but cannot effectively pursue in Indonesia, then you do not have an effective motivation to study in Korea. Simple admiration for a country will not compel the reviewer to give you the scholarship. All of the applicants for GKS admire Korea, so your educational motivation is not solid enough. It is common and irrelevant. The content of that paragraph sounds more like you want to be sponsored tourist instead of an eager academic scholar. Your intention to not be a financial burden to your mother as a college student is admirable. However, it is not a compelling reason to motivate the awarding of the scholarship to you.


Why is this a notable mention in your essay? How does this experience make you a viable candidate not in terms of maturity, but in terms of relevance to your possible contribution to the scholarship program and the university you might be attending? Does this relay the idea that you have leadership skills that the reviewer should take note of? As for community service, with what organization did you participate? Why did you decide to join them in helping that village? What motivated you to become that sort of socially conscious person?

Graduate / Industrial Revolution 4.0. Statement Of Purpose for MSc in Human Resources [3]

This is more of a personal statement than a statement of purpose. The statement of purpose has to reflect several sets of information that explain the career goal as it relates to your masters course interests. You have a good hook at the end of the essay. The one about seeing your job as a passion and calling rather than a job. You should use that to open the essay. Then proceed to explain the purpose of your studies.

The main goal of this essay is to prove that there is a professional reason for your studies. This is based on your future career plans as supported by your undergraduate studies and work training up to the present time. The essay you are presenting lacks focus. It is more of an autobiography rather than a summary of your relevant studies, training, and other relevant experience in relation to a solid and singular purpose for your studies. The purpose should be clear in the first paragraph then supported by the succeeding paragraph presentations. Keep it short and relevant. The "People's Enthusiast" statement works as a platform for your purpose. Build on it.

Focus on your current professional journey and why you feel a need to improve your theoretical and practical skills. Think of the course curriculum of the course you are taking, then compare it to your relevant studies and job responsibilities. Align your purpose with your training and experience. Do not enumerate everything in an over extended manner. That creates a boring information sheet. Keep the information relevant and simply presented. Always circle back to your purpose, both academic and professional, for the presentation.

Scholarship / Question about AAS Support Statement for Master of Business Administration [4]

There appears to be a conflict of interest in your presentation. At the start, you make it appear that you work for your wife's family's business, but in the last plan, you indicate you will be applying for a job at specific companies. How can you implement the changes at the family restaurant, while being a full-time employee at one of the two companies you indicated? It appears difficult for you to be at two places at once, implementing two different career paths. Perhaps you should clarify the timeline for the restaurant improvement so as to clarify the period of time that you plan to work at the restaurant before applying for the jobs. You can consider that one of the possible constraints in the presentation.

Letters / Motivation Letter For Master's in Embedded Systems at the University of Saarland, Germany [5]

The motivation letter is not convincing. It does not contain an academic and professional motivation as required by your current employment. The letter itself does not follow the format of a standard motivation letter. I am not sure if you were given specific discussion points for this letter development. Based on what you have written it appears there isn't any. It would be better if you delete this letter in totality and work from scratch. This time focus the motivation letter on:

- Observations of problems within your current profession
- An explanation of where your desire to resolve these problems comes from
- A reference to why you decided to study at this particular university that does not refer to the "free tuition" scheme.
- A description of how your future plans motivate you to complete this course

These are the basic motivational interests that the reviewer often looks for in a motivational letter. He needs to sense your excitement about the course and studying at the university. He needs to understand why you chose to study in Germany based on academic and professional accomplishment of the country in your field of interest. He must feel your excitement at the thought of being able to contribute to this field of work in your home country. Basically, he needs to see and feel your interest to everything connected with the your country and course choice along with your university option. This current version fails to represent any of those interests.

Scholarship / Treasury operations / Accounting - How will the proposed study contribute to your career*? [3]

The first problem this presentation has is formatting. Divide the short, medium, and long term plans into paragraphs. The paragraphs will make it easier for the reviewer to keep track of your presentation in relation to the time frame of your professional development. However, prior to presenting these information, it would be beneficial to your presentation if you give a summary of your current work position, duties, and responsibilities that may help the reviewer align your proposed career development with your study interests as based on your current profession. If the Treasury Department has some sort of program that aims to better fulfill the needs of the government in some way, and these align with your career plans, then make mention and explain those as well. Connect the discussions based on career development considerations of the past (as the foundation), the present (as the current strategy), and the future (ultimate career goal over 5 years). Do not forget to use paragraphs whenever possible to aid in the reading and scanning of the information you are presenting.

Scholarship / "Raising in a middle-class family was indeed demanding" Commonwealth Scholarship Personal Statement [2]

The essay is on point until you get to the last paragraph. Since it appears that you are going to have some sort of career change from Mechanical Engineering to Renewable Energy, there needs to be a bridge in the discussion of this interest. What I am looking for in this essay, which the reviewer will also be looking for, is an explanation of how your Mechanical Engineering degree will be relevant to your Renewable Energy masters course. You mention that briefly in the portion about:


So there is a halfway point that will connect the two courses, which you should be showing in the essay. It would help if, as a Mechanical Engineer, you have already done some work in the field of renewable energy as this will show that you have the foundation for studies in the Renewable Energy field. This will also help you better respond to the part of the prompt that requires you to show ways that your personal background has encouraged you to want to make an impact in your home country.

Right now, the discussion highlights more of your education rather than a balanced presentation of the prompt requirements. Shorten your personal background. Focus more on how your exposure to your father's work helped build the foundation for your interest in mechanical engineering and renewable energy. Truth be told, your barrier to higher education is not as compelling as it sounds. Your problem only relates to a mixed family setting. Which means there were several households in one house. That is not exactly the kind of dramatic and compelling situation that the scholarship would consider to be note worthy.

The fact that your father lost his job when you were in 3rd grade? Not relevant. The prompt is asking you to discuss higher education. So that means college level. Third grade is elementary, high school is secondary education, and college, is tertiary or higher education as that is the focused and specialized field of education that is relevant to your scholarship application.

Writing Feedback / Is society's overall success more important than individual well being? [2]

I am not sure about the prompt that you are responding to so I cannot be very accurate in my review of your work. Please provide the prompt next time so I can consider the discussion in a clearer discussion requirement. Anyway, I can still offer a general review of your work which I hope will be helpful to you.

The first paragraph feels highly repetitious and does not get its point across to the reader clearly. Use of creative but non academic phrases such as "secret sauce" make it sound like you are writing a casual rather than formal paper. This deflects from the serious considerations for the discussion that you are trying to present. Next time try to use a more academic reference such as "I believe that the proper formula" or "I believe that the secret to the success", both of which create an academic representation of your thoughts.

With that said, your discussion still seems to be on point and uses relevant examples to support the validity of your opinion / discussion points. You just have to make sure that you stick to more formal academic word usage, avoiding phrases such as "the merrier" and simply stating "The more satisfied..." You are trying to impress the examiner with your vocabulary and English word usage but unfortunately, you are sacrificing the academic tone of the paper in the process.

Scholarship / Supporting Statement AAS Scholarship for Master Degree in Public Health [4]

Wow! You were not being asked to give a total background of your interest in the course. The proposed course being asked about in the prompt is the course you have chosen to study at the university. Say the name of the course then explain its relevance to your career advancement based on your current career status and skills advancement requirements. You need to offer a detailed discussion of the course choice for each university and course. That means, you have to talk about 2 things:

- The reason you chose the course at the university
- Why you believe that this university and course answers your academic and work skills development requirement

As of now, you are giving a general discussion for the course choice based on your personal insight into a situation without relating it directly to the course choices and university considerations. The background should be based on work scenarios and not personal insight alone.

Scholarship / AAS Scholarship for public policy [3]

Do not stray from the actual discussion requirement of this prompt which is, the application of each course choice, from each university within your career path after completing the course. You have given too much irrelevant discussion in this essay. Try to stay focused on the two areas of interest of the reviewer:

- Course choice ( in relation to your future career plans)
- University choice (in relation to your academic training and skills development within the chosen course)

Do not use combined discussions for the university. There are separate courses for you to choose from in each university. So pick a course, justify its relevance to your career path and / or needs of your country that you hope to fulfill, then explain how the university curriculum or training program can help you achieve the academic and professional goals you have set for yourself. Discuss each university individually. That is a must.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for MSc Data Science scholarship in Sweden [3]

The main problem that I see with this personal statement is the divergence of your interests in the 3 domains of study. There has to be a common point of interest of professional application on your part that would justify the trifecta of courses. Since these are individualized discussions in your presentation, but a cross disciplinary study at UOL, you need to portray how the cross study will successfully blend into your career goals after you complete your studies. You have good individual presentations for your interest. However, you do not have a solid combination paragraph that would justify your career goal in relation to a unique or enhanced career path for yourself. Try to combine the 3 courses towards the end into a logical and doable career path for yourself to create a truly interesting and achievable personal statement representation.

Essays / SHORT ESSAY FOR LLM PROGRAMME AT THE UNIVERSITY OF EAST FINLAND [3]

They are asking you for a study plan / thesis proposal. What LLM programme in particular are you enrolling in? Is it for international law? International Trade Law? What? The particular law you will be writing about depends upon your interests and future career goals. Remember that the LLM programme is designed to help you prepare for your future career path. So think about the reason why you studied law in the first place. Were you able to follow that law interest? How? At what point are you at pertaining to your current career? Have your interests in law changed? What specific international / local law is of interest to you? Why? How does it apply to your professional goals? These are the reasons you can use to help you chart your advanced study of the law or policy as an LLM student.

Graduate / SOP MCs Computer Science - EPFL - academic background and career strategy [3]

You spent all of the essay discussing your academic background that you forgot all about the career strategy presentation. You have to present a discussion regarding your 5 year career plan and how you plan to achieve it through the completion of this course. The idea, is to present the importance of this course to your career in the future. Since you have decided to study this course, that means you have a career direction in mind. Discuss that, focus on how your undergraduate subjects specifically prepared you to take this course. From there, discuss your current career path and how you see it moving forward or changing direction due to the knowledge you will be acquiring. Portray yourself as a passionate career person who is looking to become trailblazer in this profession within 5 years.

Undergraduate / For a happier tomorrow - The American University in Cairo essay [2]

You described what the university is best known for in relation to Psychology. You have not described how you will personally benefit from being a part of this learning channel. What is the academic goal for you? How does the curriculum lend itself to the specific aspects of psychology that you aspire to learn about, control, and help other people recover from? Why is it important to you? How does the learning scheme at AUC fit into this picture? What is your early career plan? How does the university help you carve out your stepping stone in the world of Psychology? How do you hope to use the courses, internships, and other learning experiences to help you achieve the professional goal? Why is it personally important to you that you achieve the professional goal at AUC? These seem like out of the blue questions but these are actually guide questions that can help you deliver a more personal, academic, and professional response to the question.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 the alteration of country's export of several products for one year from 2015 [2]

Your information in the first sentence is incorrect. First of all, there are two images represented, a table chart and a bar chart. So you have a image identification error in that presentation. Second, each presentation has a different focus, the bar chart represents the export earnings and the table chart, shows the percentage change in values for the same products. There is a TA error in your understanding and presentation of each image information that will cause inaccuracies in your data reporting.

Do not capitalize the word "and" at any given point. It cannot be capitalized in the middle of a presentation because it is not a proper noun. It cannot be used at the start of a sentence because it is a connecting word. It is one of the words in the English language that can never be capitalized in an academic or creative writing presentation.

Scholarship / English teacher - TESOL and the prospect for my future career (AAS) [4]

Delete the confusing first paragraph of this presentation. Bring the last paragraph up to the first paragraph place. That will create a more logical and understandable discussion of your career goals to the reviewer. You have to explain how the course will help you advance your career. You can do that by using the content of the current last paragraph.

Omit the Covid - 19 reference in the second paragraph. There is no relevance between Covid-19 and your career plans. You are only using it as the most common foundation of advanced studies, which should not be used when it is irrelevant to the discussion. Since you are not a healthcare professional, the mention of Covid-19 does not help your explanation. Start from the investment program of Indonesia instead. Make a general reference to the skills development requirement that will make you an in-demand expert upon your return. That will help to better explain how the studies will be relevant and necessary to your future career plans.

Scholarship / Development Impact Plan - Theme: Science and Technology - Commonwealth [2]

Your response is widespread but common. It does not present a proper representation of each development issue as it is emerging on a global scale. The words you have written are empty, devoid of substance and relevance. You are enumerating the well known cyber problems and crimes, but not the emerging problems that have spun off from your previously mentioned problems, which are becoming more rampant and need a new form of cybersecurity consideration / software / platform / program to deal with it. Do more research on the emerging methods of ransomware and phising. Those are the current out of control cybersecurity threats that have varying levels of implications and complications (global, national, local levels).

There are no real development issues being represented in the second paragraph either. You need to be more specific about the problems or lack of skill set among software programmers and cybersecurity experts at the moment that are connected with your desire to improve yourself. For example, a development issue could be that the current experts are not capable of tracing the possible variations of the ransomware being used. Think along the lines of an emerging virus and how the epidemiologists try to get a step or two ahead of it. That should be the representation of the development issues.

Writing Feedback / Possibility of space tourism and its impact on astronomic [2]

Right off the bat, I can tell you that this essay will not get a passing score because of the severe deductions you will get for writing less than 250 words. You only wrote 202 words, which means the missing 48 words will have corresponding percentage deductions applied to your overall presentation. Then there are the GRA problems since you are using 2 punctuation marks successively, a comma and ellipses, which is never done in academic or creative writing. Yes, that will mean additional points deductions. The paragraphs need to be properly formatted and run-on presentations should be eliminated. Write at least 3 sentences per paragraph to meet the word requirement.

Basically, you have too many errors in this writing to get a passing score. My suggestion is that you try to focus on proper sentence formatting and development. Use sentence building exercises to help you become better at properly creating simple and complex sentence presentations. You need to focus less on your essay writing for now and more on English writing skills development first.