Research Papers / Draft research on dispensing the wrong medication [2]

The introduction lacks a sense of urgency that should be included in an essay that discusses such a life threatening topic. You could create a better hook in the introduction by using a story regarding incorrectly dispensed medicatication and the aftermath of the event upon the patient. That will create the need to immediately address a solution to this problem. The reader will be more interested in the paper once you engage their logic and emotion in the presentation.


Avoid closing a paragraph with a citation. These paragraphs require the writer to provide an insight into this information sentence,. Your opoinion, rather than the citation, is the most important point of view in this essay.


Use another, more recent human interest story to open this section and drive your point home. This time, do not use an adult story, use an infant incorrect prescription instead. Foolow that story to the end of life cycle of the child that resulted from the wrong medication being given. Then continue to discuss other important aspects of this section. It will show how the health sector has overlooked this problem up to the present time.

Graduate / Statement of purpose and objectives for studying - KAIST graduate admission [2]

A statement of purpose should not be seen by the reviewers as your academic, technical, or professional history. Rather, they are more interested in learning about your continued learning and 5 year career path. It is always safest for you to discuss your college thesis and any publication based on your studies and research. The publication is an essential part of your statement of purpose because it proves that you have been successful in continuously developing your college thesis into a peer reviewed article, leading to your continuing research as a masters degree student. This can now be a related field or a continuation of the previous research that highlights the newest information in relation to the knowledge development of your field. That is what is lacking in this essay. It focuses solely on your technical and theoretical knowhow, without giving a specific career path relationship or connection. How will your masters studies influence your career over the next 5 years? What specific aspects of your career path will benefit from the KAIST education. The SOP lacks specifics. There is no real reason for the reviewer to believe that your interest in KAIST will be beneficial to both sides. Your statement in relation to that is so generic that it could be used to describe any university and masters degree course. It would be best for you to write a new essay that is more aligned with the improvement review I have given above.

Letters / Motivation letter for admission to Master International Business Engineering IAE Montpellier [2]


It is too soon to state this in the motivation letter. Keep this paragraph general in statement for the time being. Remove this part but keep everything else that you wrote.


This should be a separate paragraph that speaks more about how your experience with the community as a mentor further strengthened your belief that you should pursue higher studies so that (state how you plan to use the masters to improve your mentoring skills).


Now talk about the masters program at IAE. Use that to introduce your plans for after study, as a separate paragraph also.

These are the portions of the essay that I believe need to be refined, improved upon, and polished to make your motivational letter more impressive to the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Leading a Mojita Stall - U of T Supplemental [2]

Again, please clarify at the very start that this is a school project that you undertook. Stop making your projects sound too professional because it tends to mislead the reviewer. Be specific about the project and what year you were in when you undertook it. The topic you discussed is good, but the essay should not say that you called for one last meeting. Instead, since this is a school project, reference a meeting to discuss the problems in sales, with you leading the discussion by admitting to your mistake. For the hindsight response, offer the idea that you would brainstorm with the group about operations and use the group mindset to run the business. Each person will take responsibility for a part of the business and take command responsibility if a particular action fails the business, just like you did when you admitted your mistakes to the group and adjusted the policies to save the business.

Undergraduate / Overcoming perfectionism - U of T Supplemental Essay [2]

You need to be more specific in your essays. You are always over reaching instead of focusing your statement responses. Let me give you sample quick responses that you can expand on. What have you been working on? A Robotics project. How long have you been working on it? 5 years. Who did you turn to to help you complete this project? Think of Someone who guided your interest in Robotics and guided the completion of your project. Do not give an answer that your friend pushed you to finish the project. That means nothing in terms of influencing you and creating your mindset that pushed you towards this career in particular. Vague answers and unfocused topics will never work in statement responses.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - Explain the benefits and shortcomings of online classes and traditional class [2]

Is this essay supposed to be a response to a Task 2 IELTS writing exercise? If so, then you need to increase your word count to at least 250 words to meet the minimum word requirement. Less than that will result in an automatic failing score. While you wrote good reasons in response to the question, it could have been better written and formatted for clarity and coherence. You see, the prompt that was provided requires a compare and contrast response. What does that mean? It means that the writer is required to provide a good and bad, pro and con reasoning per paragraph. The format should be:

Sentence 1 - Advantage reason
Sentence 2 - Why?
Sentence 3 -Example
Sentence 4 - Disadvantage of the "advantage"
Sentence 5 - Explanaton
Sentence 6 - Example (optional for task 2)

The 6th sentence is optional because, if you are writing a task 2 essay, then you cannot have more than 5 sentences per paragraph. You may only write a 6th sentence if you still have writing time after reviewing and editing your text or, if you were short on the word count after you finished your draft. If you are writing this for an English writing exercise, then you should write at at least 6 sentences per paragraph.

Undergraduate / Ethnicity targeting - U of T Supplemental Application [4]

It would be best for you to write a totally new response that better explains your observations regarding the bullying, the reasons why you decided not to involve the teacher, and what the result of your decisions at that time were. Trying to revise this version will prove to be difficult due to the limited character count. A full revision will allow you more freedom to get creative and clear with your explanations. It is always good to give an in-depth explanation whenever possible. The information I asked you to include should help you deliver the sensible and clear response that you are looking for. The current version is prone to open questions and loopholes that need to be plugged.

Undergraduate / RSM BSc / head of Finance - Diversity question [5]

The way that you have framed your explanation makes it appear like you are discussing a professional experience. You must reframe your presentation. Make it clear that you are talking about your position as the president of the Finance Club. This differentiation is important because when you say you are the head of finance, that is automatically attached to a company and a professional experience. Your grasp of the English language is proving to be a problem for you in most of your presentations because you misinterpret the prompt and end up misrepresenting yourself in the process, such as in this essay. Always remember to classify your experiences as that of a student. That way there is no confusion once the reviewer assesses your response.

Undergraduate / Ethnicity targeting - U of T Supplemental Application [4]

The situation that you described is something that often occurs in international classrooms. The portrayal of yourself as a group leader who kept what could have become an uncontrollable bullying situation is an asset to the presentation. These are 2 impressive aspects of the explanation that is sure to make a mark on the reviewer. However, while taking charge of the situation is good on paper, the lack of your reference to seeking an authoritative solution in the form of involving a teacher, guidance counselor, or another authority is a shortcoming in your presentation. Since this will be a definite question in the reviewer's mind, you should explain why you were forced to take charge of the bullying without involving the school authorities. That way, when you reference that, having a better understanding of racial discrimination in relation to bullying at present, you would involve the school authorities should it happen again. That way the narrative would offer a full circle discussion in response to the questions.

Undergraduate / RSM BSc / head of Finance - Diversity question [5]

Do not discuss irrelevant experiences in the essay. While I can understand why you are referencing your professional experience, that is not what you are being asked to discuss and therefore, have shown that you are incapable of following simple writing instructions. The prompt clearly states that you are to use personal or academic references. Nowhere does it indicate a professional preference for the discussion. As such, your essay will be disregarded as a part of your application since it does not fulfill the information requirements correctly. This means, that even your potential contribution to diversity in the school, while valid, is not going to be given much weight since it is not based on the correct foundational discussion presentation.

Research Papers / Social Media's Negative Impact on Individuals [2]

There are information inaccuracies in your presentation. For starters, Social media, which is the reference point for this paper, is only 25 years old. It first appeared in the early 2000's and continues to evolve into various forms and exist in various platforms, venues, and types. Repeat the research for your paper. You need to be historically accurate in your referencing so as to avoid confusion in your discussion. Social media has not been around for centuries.

Refer to a thesaurus to provide various alternative references to social media. It cannot simply be called media because "media" refers to various incarnations such as mass media, electronic media, digital media, and other forms of media. Your paper tends to be inaccurate when discussing social media because you are not careful about how you reference and present the discussion,

Letters / Motivation Letter for Master's Program of Communication Science at VU Amsterdam [3]

The motivation letter does not offer information that would show how the masters program would help you achieve your unspecified career goal. An effective motivation letter always kicks off with an introduction to your decided career path. What sector of the entertainment industry do you see yourself working in? Create the idea of your ambition and why you are decided upon pursing it. Why do you consider it important to work on this field on a personal, social, and career development scale? I do not get a sense of a clear motivation in this letter. Instead, it is just a discussion of your academic skills and foundation that you think has prepared you to attend and complete this course. You are lacking a presentation that shows how you have already used these skills as an undergraduate, which would indicate a preparedness to complete the Communication Science masters program.

Undergraduate / RSM BSc - Why International Business Administration? [2]

You cannot use 4th grade exposure to sales within a controlled environment as an influence reference for Business Administrator. The reviewer will be looking for at least high school level exposure to business dealings and your engagement in the business during that time as the main influence for your interest in business. The reviewers have never believed that a primary school exposure, specially below the age of 13, can be considered a real decision making moment. A child of that age is, in their opinion, not sure of what career path they want to follow yet due to a lack of understanding based on their age.



You are not yet a student at the university under Business Administration. Use the correct future time reference. These are what you will be looking forward to learning from by participating in the activities.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement Master MOTIS IN France [2]

The reviewer would much appreciate if you could connect your undergraduate history and work experience with the student qualifications for the masters course that you are applying to. When it was indicated that you give a detailed description, that meant you have to should show a clear connection between specific course offerings and your own academic and professional experiences. This would indicate a more credible preparedness on your part to undertake and complete the masters program. You may opt to indicate the difficulties you are facing theoretically and professionally, which will be addressed by completing this course through specific courses as well.

Avoid indicating that you will "work" for 2 years. You should reframe that to instead show that you are looking forward to "extending" the learning experience by entering "apprenticeship" or "immersion" experiences at various companies. This is to avoid a possible misconception that you may use the student visa as a stepping stone towards a residency permit or a work visa. Ensure that you clearly state that you will return to Indonesia after you complete the program and relevant training.

Writing Feedback / Real traveling vs reading books - discuss one reason and why you agree or disagree. [2]

I am not sure if you are writing this as a part of an English writing exercise or if this is a part of a Task 2 essay practice test. I'll give you generic pointers for now.

First of all, you need to learn to use paragraphs to help make your response easier to read. Write the introduction to the topic first. You can use 3 sentences for that. Make the 4th sentence your opinion.

Open a new paragraph after that statement. Fully explain the reason that you support. I like how you used examples and considerations from your own culture that helped to drive your point home.

Your final paragraph should be the conclusion that helps you to summarize the previous discussion. You have that presented in this version, but it is difficult to find because of the lack of proper formatting in your presentation.

Letters / Image Processing & Computer Vision AI - Motivation Letter - Erasmus Mundus IPCVAI [3]


What is the end result of this program? What do you want it to do? How and why is it important to society, a particular field, or the development of generative AI? You need to try and make your vision understood by the reviewer for this paragraph to have an impact upon reading it.


What are the research and learning goals per university? Do not discuss them as a bundle in this paragraph. You need to make it clear that you have a plan for study at the university which will result in something supports your goal of AI development. Don't just enumerate the courses and what it aligns with, without explaining what it aligns with. You need to specifics at every turn rather than an enumeration of the program syllabus.


This is a redundancy. You need not repeat what you said earlier in the essay.

Letters / Motivation letter for master's in Cybersecurity for CyberMAC scholarship program [2]


Refresh this presentation since this is a historical event that took place in your country's financial world. Describe the aftermath instead and how the progression of events and its resulting changes in the banking industry, based on cybersecurity influenced your career decision and now, your future career path as a masters degree student. A revelation based on reality will work better than fictionalizing an actual incident that had a direct effect on your academic and professional mindset.


You are no longer a child and you have already completed your bachelor studies. You already have the work experience to back up your masters degree studies. That is what will make you a more viable candidate for the scholarship. Draw your reviewers attention to your current skills and work accomplishments instead. This will prove that you not only a relevant theoretical foundation (based on a summarized college presentation), but the relevant professional foundation that leads towards a more important professional path.


Describe your current career. How does cybersecurity heavily figure into it ? Show the relevance of your interest in the masters course as it relates to your current profession.

Letters / Technical and analytical abilities - REFERENCE LETTER TO APPLY MASTER PROGRAM OR SCHOLARSHIP [2]

This does not sound like the country head wrote the reference letter at all. It appears to be more of a compressed biography of the applicant, which does not tally with the references that the country head would be writing about her. This should be a brief, 4 paragraph recommendation letter more than anything else. The 2 middle paragraphs should reflect on her ability to learn on the job, how fast she applies any corrections given to her, and how she effectively responds to work requirements. The second paragraph can focus on her work accomplishments that were rewarded by the company with recognition of any sort. This letter does not work. The reviewer will immediately recognize that it was not written by the country head, bringing the signature on the letter, electronic or physical, into question. Once there is a suspicion of a fake document submitted, your application will be rejected and you will be black listed from applying for the scholarship in the future.

Scholarship / Sustainable Engineering- Erasums Mundus [2]

You have not done enough research on the Erasmus Mundus Sustainable Engineering program. It shows in the way that your motivational letter does not even come close to being an appropriate letter for scholarship consideration. Erasmus Mundus has several Sustainable Engineering programs to choose from: European Master in Sustainable Systems Engineering (EMSSE), the Engineering for Environmental Sustainability and International Cooperation (EESIC), and the Erasmus Mundus Joint Master in Sustainable Mineral and Metal Processing Engineering (PROMISE). Which of these are you interested in applying to? Choose a program then do the research for the candidate qualifiers. Based on the qualifiers, consider your current theoretical know-how, your theoretical skills and practical abiltiies. Only then would you be able to develop a proper motivational letter draft for Erasmus Mundus.

Letters / Letter of Motivation for MS in Electrical Engineering at ETH Zurich [2]

Overall, the feel of the presentation is more of an academic and academic immersion biography rather than a professional motivation letter. That poses a problem because the motivational letter should outline your professional experience and its accompanying accomplishments and relevant training, leading to the more accurate professional foundation of your motivation. The presentation does not have any masters degree studies foundational strengths in terms of work applied interests. All I am reading here are your academic accomplishments which, though impressive, must compete with applicants who have more notable professional accomplishments in terms of publication, career planning, and societal impact as motivations for their masters degree. While the essay is informative, is it not competitive when compared to other applicants. I would rather that you focus briefly on a relevant academic history, focus on your professional experience leading up to your next career pathway, then develop your motivation for higher studies in this sector from there.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Master in Artificial Intelligence at VU [3]


Be career specific in this section to catch the eye of the reviewer. What is your career project that will benefit from these studies? What drove the choice of the university in terms of the goal? You could say something like:

"I am undertaking these studies in aid of my career plan to... The (university name) department of... has the objective of teaching itst masters degree students that ... which will be of tremendous benefit to my professional goals."

That would summarize the full content of your motivation letter and in the process, allow you to reel in the reviewer in terms of becoming interested in your expanded explanations.

Try to better explain the AI driven Healthcare vision that you have. You are dropping the correct information hints and show an interest in AI, but what and how you plan to develop the program and how it will benefit the Healthcare sector in the future should be fully reflected as an important part of your motivation. The right words and references will not help if your motivation and how you plan to pursue it during and after your studies is not made clear in the presentation.

Writing Feedback / Some people say that " "The busier the city is, the more unhappy its people are." Agree or disagree? [3]


Avoid using traditional, tired phrases in your essay. Most specially when opening a discussion because it prevents the essay from developing the conversational, everyday English tone and word usage that is required for this presentation and LR considerations.


This will cause the essay to automatically get a failing score. Based on the Task Accuracy requirements, your response is not aligned with the given question. Therefore, the discussion response is incorrect. This response reflects a measured / degree response prompt. This is a full opinion prompt. Either yes or no. There is no in-between response. Since the TA preliminary score will be failing due to the incorrect response format, the rest of the discussion presentation will not score highly enough to overcome the preliminary failing score.

Research Papers / My first research paper about government wastage and how it affects our youth [2]


The first part of this paragraph is confusing and lacking in direction. It is scattered in terms of thought presentation. I would rather that you focus on developing this part as the introduction opening. This part has the ability to create impact for the reader. After informing the reader about the total debt, break that information down some more by telling the reader how much each of the young adult population, ages 18-21, actually owes. That will definitely catch the readers eye.

The last part of this paragraph that contains your call to action is not really a solution to the problem. Auditing does not solve the situation for the youth. Try to present a summary of your short and long term solutions that could relate to the auditing discussion.

Undergraduate / The lessons we take from obstacles - UofT One idea application [3]

For a more interesting take that would have the reviewer interested in the background of your character trait, I suggest that you open with an explanation or a story about how you approached a more mature problem. Explain why you approached it that way and work your way back to the start or the reason that you developed this system of approaching problems. Close by indicating that you believe the approach you developed is such that you can apply specific parts, or all of it to new or future problems.

Your current approach is not interesting enough. It is a narrative that every student encounters. It does not stand out as a specific situation. It makes you get lost among the many applicants who are using the same or similar story. You need to find a way to may your learning stand out by using a far more interesting narrative, approach, and presentation.

Letters / The aerospace industry - My career goals in my motivation letter [2]

I am unable to offer a clearer review of your career goals with regards to its relationship to your history in the motivation letter. Without knowing the full content of the motivation letter, it is impossible to tell you if this paragraph works, doesn't work, or should be improved at certain points. All I can see, based on your two submissions, is that there is a clear disconnection between your history, experiences, and your career goals. I do not see how these relate to the use of drones in agriculture. The development is missing. Then again, I am basing these on piecemill content from your essay. If you want an accurate review, I need to read the full, connected paragraphs response that you developed for the motivation letter.

Letters / Agricultural drones and more - Introduction for my motivation letter [2]

Are you applying for admission to a masters course? Or are you applying to continue your undergraduate studies as a scholar? I normally need to know what studies the essays are for so that I can offer the correct advice. The advice varies per level of study for completion. I can only offer you a general review in this case. It should be applicable to both types.

Since you already have the undergraduate personal experience for the motivation, you do not need to tell the whole story to the reviewer. Instead, you should summarize the event, indicate that this was your motivating factor, then lay the premise for your advanced studies. If you were able to apply this program successfully, indicate how you accomplished it, in a summarized form. From there, explain how the advanced studies will help you enter level 2 of your overall plan to help your community. Then proceed with your motivation discussion in the next paragraphs.

Research Papers / Drafting and Peer Review: Why Physician Assisted Suicide Should Be Common Practice [3]

I applaud you for s very well presented thesis statement for the foundation of this paper. It is tremendously well researched and discusses the two sides of the issue in a highly educated and informed manner. This leaves your reader with almost all the necessary information that they need to allow them to pick a side to support in aid of the discussion.

However, it appears that this paper is lacking one tremendously important voice. Your voice. The personal perspective of the nurse that has written the paper. I know that your voice is somewhere in there but without the "I" representation in the paragraphs, the reader cannot tell which is your personal insight, and which is a comment based on the indicated citations. I

t would really help to make this paper even more solid in the eyes of the reader. It becomes ever more authoritative once you include your personal insight, based upon your personal experience.

Oh, and the citation at the end, it is misplaced. It is an unnecessary addition to the discussion. It would make more sense if you can add this somewhere in the previous paragraphs instead. Perhaps it can kick off your personal insight paragraph ?

Scholarship / Study plan research laboratory of Land Improvement and Management [4]

You do not neet to present your academic history in this case. Discuss the extent of your current field of study and it's relation to your interest in this masters course instead. Will be clearer. Explain it better to the reviewer. Since you already have the support of a professor located at the university in Japan, connect your research topic to his current work. That way the essay will have the needed continuity factor between the prompts that have been provided. The plan of your research should show how it will be beneficial to the university program and your professor mentor in the long run. both studies should benefit from your presence in the program.

Writing Feedback / Decreasing Gun Violence and Death - weakness in this essay [2]

The first and second paragraph should be merged into one. A proper first paragraph successfully introduces the topic, something that you successfully did, and also, outlines the reasons for the discussion and what the expected outcome might be. Something that you also provided, but as a separate paragraph. To make the first paragraph successful, you must combine the two separate parageaphs.

The paragraph about the evolution of guns during the Civil War is too heavy on the citation side and does not properly discuss gun violence in the correct manner for the era. I believe that the presentation should inform the reader about the civil war, the proliferation of loose firearms due to the soldiers dying and their arms being stolen then used on the unsuspecting public, and how these actions laid the foundation for gun violence as we know it today.

Undergraduate / Autobiography for Taiwan university application [2]

I would have to say that your autobiography lacks a clear direction that would show the reviewer how your interest in your chosen major developed. It provides a lot of information about you, your family, siblings, and your studies. However, it does not provide information about why you chose to study this major, based on your life experiences or interests. When you are asked to write your biography, that does not mean only providing information about your background, the story has to tie in with your chosen major. The biography must clearly refer to your exposure to the field and how you developed your interests over time. Right now, I am reading a lot of information about you, which helps me to learn your backgeound, but should have reflected on your academic biography in relation to the major course. This could have been reflected as having developed during your gap year since that was the time when yo were exposed to a variety of interests that could have influenced your decision.

Letters / Mot. Letter - ETH Zurich - Masters in Data Science - regarding intro & narrative [4]

The letter is boring. The reviewer will be lost and bored because AI did not properly represent your sentiments in the presentation. It created a one sided, disinterested presentation which should have had more emotional involvement in the presentation. The letter is actually going to go over one page, without getting to the point. Do not treat this application as a college written interview. You need to make it more exciting. it has to pop off the page. Not being a published applicant will pose a problem for you since a majority of the applicants will be published and have more competitive interests to present when it comes to AI as it involves banking. The thesis should be more interesting since that will be your chance to show how Zurich is at the cutting edge of AI supported banking and loan applications. Yet in your essay, it comes across as unimportant. It was not even mentioned.

Scholarship / Study plan research laboratory of Land Improvement and Management [4]

You fail to present a coherent research topic once you arrive in Japan. You do not present a current field of study as well. The information presented shows that you have your professor backing your application, but lack a clear direction for your study path and research requirement. You are discussing your academic biography here, which is not what the prompt is asking for. Therefore, your application will be disapproved based on this response statement. Overall, the essay shows that you would like to study in Japan, but do not really understand what you will be studying and why once you arrive there. The application itself is a mess and weak in terms of presentation. It does not work to portray you as a strong applicant for the program and scholarship.

Graduate / 'Learning to Listen: How Places and People Shaped My Architecture' - Graduate Statement of Intent [2]

The paper does not properly represent a statement of intent. This is only usable as an undergraduate application essay. It needs to be more aligned with a mature, more professional mindset rather than a scattered representation of youthful idealism. Since your interest is in sustainable architecture, the paper should open with that intent and give an overview of why you are interested in pursuing this line. It was presented very briefly at the end of this essay. It should move to the first paragraph and introduce the adult mindset of a professional architect. Focus more on the current work experience that you have, the trainings you have recieved, and an explanation as to how these combined to create your idea for a new form of architecture, which can only be achieved through advanced studies. That is the more appropriate portrayal of a statement of intent for a masters degree program. Include an explanation of why you intend to complete the specific course at this particular university to show that you have considered all facets of your academic requirements as a part of your intent to study.

Undergraduate / Forensic pathology - essay for NTU mbbs- personal statement [3]

Your dream of becoming a Forensic Pathologist is the end game for your medical studies. However, you are not applying for studies in relation to that field of medicine yet. You are still at the part when you are supposed to learn how to save lives. I would start with that first since that is what this application is all about.

For this sort of essay, you should be more focused on the study of the living and the related illnesses and diseases first. How did your grandfather's illness affect you? How did it lead to your interest in medicine? What do you want to focus on as a medical school student? While a Forensic Pathologist is considered a doctor, that field of medicine is more focused on the investigation of questionable deaths. A medical doctor evolves into a pathologist. So it is best to be excited about the living aspect of medicine first.

Scholarship / leadership and service - Women in Engineering - mastercard foundation [3]

A quick check of the reference requirement for this oral interview tells me that you misunderstood the project that is required for the discussion. You cannot present a project that has yet to materialize. You cannot discuss an idealized role for your under the imagined project. In other words, the essay you have written cannot be used. The initiative that you are expected to discuss is one that you have successfully led, helped to lead, or performed in a team leadership role. As such, you need to change the focus of your leadership narrative to suit the prompt requirements. This also means that you will need to clearly address what technical, social, and theoretical skills you can bring to help improve the student community should you be accepted as a scholar.

Research Papers / Drafting and Peer Review Child Abuse and Neglect [3]

I was impressed by the introduction you used for the topic. It was replete with well known public information that created an interest in the discussion. However, you did not tell the reader what the purpose of your paper is at the end. What is the thesis? What is the point of this research? It cannot be to simply inform the reader. There have been enough papers written about Child Abuse and Neglect. What made this topic stand out for you? Why did you decide to write this paper? All of the information provided needs to be in aide of clarifying your thesis statement. That is not provided in this presentation. Avoid saying "Conclusion is that..." That is highly amateur writing. It does not show a high level of writing skill. Write a more comprehensive summary that will support your conclusion instead.

Grammar, Usage / Correct use of the semicolon in a complex list with internal commas [2]

You have written what is known as a complex series in the 2nd version. These are a series of sentences with internal punctuation. Your semicolon has been placed correctly in this case and does not require any improvements since you are using it as a separator for a compound list. As you can see, your individual list already includes commas, which created a complex phrase. It is suffice to say that you have avoided creating a confusing presentation for your reader in this case. I would advise you to use the second version in this case since it carries the more appropriate punctuation usage. The first one works, but it is not as grammatically advanced in terms of presentation when compared to the 2nd sentence series.

Letters / LETTER OF MOTIVATION FOR MSc CYBERSECURITY [2]


What community is this? If it is your local community, you need to justify the risks by showing the dangers that your community members faced and how they failed to address the problem or were victimized by the security failure.


You are using a wide brush in this case. You started with cybersecurity in relation to digital risks, then you suddenly moved on to a general path in technology. Keep focused on your foundational topic.


Why did you feel the need to step in? How did his actions affect you? If this is your main motivating factor, then there should be a longer and more in depth discussion regarding this incident.


What got you interested in cybersecurity in the first place? It should be more than just the situation with your friend. You should have a foundation that shows a development into the community interest.

Scholarship / Nigeria ecosystem and education - Mastercard Foundation Scholarship Program [2]

There is no sense in including a reference to your father in the essay. It does not serve a purpose because his difficulties that forced him to not complete his education is not related to you. He is not the applicant in this case. It is better to have your essay focus on a strong hook that would invite the reviewer to learn more about your trials and tribulations while pursuing your degree. If you were caught in a time of unrest during your education, go into detail how that unrest did not hamper your pursuit of education. While I admire your completing courses in Coursera, it is important to indicate that you completed certificate courses because completing the syllabus is not equal to completing the course without it. You are glossing over too much of the hardships you encountered as a student and in life. Did you ever have refugee status? Why? When were you able to attend the University of Lagos? What circumstances led to your attending there? Your essay does not explain enough of the prompt required information to be truly useful when considering your application.

Scholarship / Transformation of Mining Challenge into Smart Mining in Developing Country [2]

As a Fulbright scholar applicant, there are several aspects that you need to discuss in your essay. These are:
1. A description of how you perform as a member of your profession and then, as a member of your community.
2. Discuss why you look forward to becoming a Fulbright scholar and what you hope to gain from it.
3. Narrate what skills, both professional, social, and technical, you can bring to the table as a member of the Fulbright community.

These are the 3 aspects where you need to stand out as an applicant. The reviewers are looking for scholars who can help bring innovative insights, interesting skills, and a love of their own culture, that can be spread to the other members of the scholarship team. It is imperative that you qualify well in those aspects.