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Posts by Holt [Educational Consultant]
Name: Mary Rose
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Holt  Educational Consultant  
9 mins ago
Writing Feedback / IELTS- Task 2: odinary work of art is now easily be labelled as masterpieces. [2]

I think you really have a problem with your English comprehension skills. You are constantly changing the topics for discussion in every essay that you write. You are incapable of writing the essay based on the original prompt because you keep sensationalizing or misleading your readers. I asked you to download the thesaurus to help you learn how to use alternative words for the original keywords in the presentation. You have not done that here. I think I will have to start teaching you how to write these restatements from the very start. It appears to me that you are self studying right? So I will have to take you by the hand and teach you by section. Let's start with how to properly restate the original prompt.

Use an outline for this part. Divide that into sections as follows:

Topic: a painting, sculpture or other art form should display certain qualities that are unique.
Problem: it is now possible for quite ordinary pieces of art to be labelled 'masterpieces ' whilst true works of art pass unnoticed.
Reason: over the past century there has been a decline in the quality of prize-winning artwork
Discussion: Do you agree or disagree?

Based on that outline, you should clearly see that there is no detrimental problem being discussed. Only a lack of proper high quality / award worthy craft presentations. It is your tendency to exaggerate the original presentations that pose a problem for your restatements. You are always exaggerating for no reason. Or, in this case, exaggerating to the extent of changing the discussion target. I have tried my best to point out this problem to you several times already but you show no improvement in this section. Perhaps more English vocabulary lessons would help you. Have you tried participating in Conversational English lessons? Those normally help with the development of a student's English writing skill as you learn how to stop exaggerating and simply begin to discuss in verbal form, which often carries onto the written aspect of English writing.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
22 mins ago
Letters / An infrastructure leader. Motivation letter Erasmus Mundus - BIM [2]

Will it be possible for you to reduce your paragraphs in relation to your skills? You have a pretty solid background that truly shows your ability to participate in this program. However, those are not the only consideration aspects for your application. You also need to justify your choice of courses as based on the university choices and how these relate to your previous education and work experience. You should also indicate an idea that relates to your possible thesis, as it applies to your home country or an international scale. Your motivation is pretty clear, but should be more focused in terms of the career you wish to pursue within this field. Your motivation is clear, but too wide and all encompassing. Center that focus on a particular field that you are actually interested in and skilled enough to succeed in once you have completed this course.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
37 mins ago
Writing Feedback / Evaluate the public place and suggest how it could be more appealing [2]

You were asked to evaluate a public place. So the evaluation should not only describe the place but also, the types of people and activities that take place there. A description of the architecture of the buildings or layout of the area would have also been necessary in the presentation. A physical description that can help the reader create an internal image is most important to this type of writing. You should have also given a run down or simple descriptions of the problems that you see in the place. This could be anything from foot traffic, pedestrian control, and trash bin placements. Then, depending on the problems you have discussed, you should be able to make proper suggestions regarding how these observed situations could be resolved in order to create more appealing surroundings. All you did was describe the place. You did not really give much thought to the aesthetic values of the public place and how it could be improved for the benefit of the visitors or tourists. You mentioned that there are negative aspects that could be improved, but failed to expand on that discussion in relation to the task writing instruction.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
44 mins ago
Writing Feedback / Benefits of Student Exchange - This is my ielts writing task 2 [2]

The first sentence of your prompt restatement is not going to get you a good TA and GRA score. You have created a confusing run-on sentence there which tries to combine all 2 ideas from the original prompt in a single sentence. Clarity is always the most important aspect of every sentence and paragraph presentation in this test. Separate those ideas into at least 2 sentences. The sentences should contain:

Sentence 1: The restated topic (SOME EDUCATIONALISTS ... TEENAGE SCHOOL STUDENTS.)
Sentence 2: Discussion instruction response (DO YOU THINK ...THE DISADVANTAGES?)

If you divide your original presentation into 2 sentences, you should see the clarity set into the represented prompt:

It is argued by some educationalists that all teenage school students would benefit a great deal from foreign programmes. Albeit with some drawbacks of this idea, I opine that the benefits are far more significant.

Do you see how the pause, created by the period, allows you better read the sentences? It gives you, as a reader, a better sense of what each sentence is discussing and why it is important to be discussed. That is how you create a clear, cohesive, and coherent prompt restatement.

Do not use "On the one hand" if you not writing a comparative essay. It is silly to say "on the one hand" if you cannot say "on the other hand" in the next paragraph. It negates the comparative representation you were aiming for. It would be better instead, to use a personal opinion reference such as "From what I understand..." or "Based on what I know about exchange programmes..." Since the instruction is asking for your personal opinion regarding the advantages and disadvantages.

The concluding sentence again, suffers from the same problem as the opening sentence. I have already shown you how that error can be corrected. I hope you apply it in your future writings.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
21 hrs ago
Scholarship / Describing how my experience and knowledge in my study abroad can be applied. [3]

The normal paragraph response count for this question is no more than 1 - 2 paragraphs. You have sufficiently responded to the question based on the last 2 paragraphs of this presentation. There is no need for the unnecessary background discussion as you have applied to this response. The first 4 paragraphs are irrelevant and does not relate in any way to the discussion response required. You can safely delete those parts and simply keep the last 2 paragraphs as the response. There is no need to unnecessarily complicate the presentation as the reviewers actually prefer direct to the point responses. They have a limited amount of time to read each response to the sooner you get to the point, the more they will consider your application reasons.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
21 hrs ago
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Food Science or other subjects, which worth more? [2]

The overall format for your discussion is incorrect. You cannot represent the discussion topic as an "incessant discussion" as this reference alters the "discussion" representation of the task 2 essays. You also, are being asked to offer an "opinion" as opposed to a "conclusion" in the reasoning paragraphs. An opinion is: a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty or a personal point of view. A conclusion, on the other hand is; a proposition concluded or inferred from the premises of an argument. You are being asked to offer an opinion, based on a comparison of the two sides provided for the discussion.

The overall essay has now carried a singular point of view rather than a comparative discussion of the public opinions upon which your personal point of view should have been based. Therefore, the essay does not meet the following formatting requirements:

- An explanation of each public opinion for the information of the reader
- An opinion from the writer based on an understanding of the 2 public opinions and reasons
- An improper representation of the summary conclusion

There is also the presence of an unrequired data in the first paragraph:

- An exaggeration of the discussion topic as provided in the original prompt.

Therefore, you have written a failing mark essay. The failing mark stems from your inability to discuss the topic based on the given discussion points and format.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
22 hrs ago
Graduate / UVirginia Data Science Statement Of Purpose [2]

You have a strong academic background. However, you are mistaking the internship for a professional experience which, even if completed as a paid intern, is still a part of your academic development. Therefore, there is a missing link in the essay. The purpose you have is all academic in nature, making you a professional student. Do you not have any ambitions of parlaying these learning into say, your own research or survey firm? What is the actual purpose for your studies aside from pursuing your passion in this area? Sure your research, as a team, was published. That shows a passion for research. Then what? Although you may qualify based on the academic aspects, does your purpose qualify your background? Right now, I do not see the two in a direct relationship. How does the academic pursuit help your idea, it is not even an ambition or a purpose in this instance since you mentioned it at the very end of the essay, of joining a government organization? I mean, you actually made the purpose an afterthought, without any explanations to support your idea of joining the government. I hope this is just a draft because if you plan to submit this, you are not getting into the program.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
1 day ago
Writing Feedback / EDEXCEL PSYCHOLOGY: The nature vs. Nurture Debate [2]

Don't just focus on the theoretical side of the issue, discuss the debate based on what you have observed and experienced as well. How would you say your upbringing influenced your personality? Would it be on the nature, as referenced by an inborn personality, or nurture, developed through your relationship and the expectation of your parents? While the debate discussion does have scientific basis, the justifications of your explanation would be more considerable if the theory were attached to real life.

While I cannot actually give you a score for this essay, I can tell you this, the work you provided is simple but complete. It meets the marks for the exam requirements as far as I can tell. You have done well enough to potentially score full marks based on individual considerations. The work you have provided shows a clear knowledge and understanding of the topic, but could have used more specific reference points for the discussion examples. if this is your first time writing for the test, then you have done a decent job at accomplishing the discussion task.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
1 day ago
Writing Feedback / Recycling waste from homes / writing task 2 from test 2 of cambridge book 11 [4]

You have not followed the formatting requirements for this essay. There is a missing prompt restatement and response to the given question as your thesis statement for the rest of the discussion. Without that reference point, the essay does not qualify for the TA section. There is a change in the representation of the original statement in your first paragraph, which makes the essay conflict with the original. You have not discussed the essay in the expected manner. As such, the TA score for this will be failing at the very start. Which means, you will not get a passing score for this essay.

I will not focus on the rest of the discussion presentation because the portion of this essay that is severely problematic is the prompt restatement. Rather than simply using your own words to explain the original points, you decided to immediately launch into a discussion of the prompt, which would have been alright if you were taking the TOEFL test, but can result in failure in the EILTS Task 2 test. You changed the original prompt several times:

OT: Some people claim that not enough of the waste from homes is recycled.
YT: Dealing with the waste from home ... intention to do regularly.

OR: They say that the only way to increase recycling is for governments to make it a legal requirement.
YR: With that being said, creating so many negative effects... plastic waste, etc.

OQ: To what extent do you think laws are needed to make people recycle more of their waste?
Response: Hence, it is urgent for governments ...of their homes' waste.

Do you see the discrepancies from the original to your version? You are not discussing the essay topic according to the originally given parameters. You have to stick to the original discussion, and offer a measured response as required. Otherwise, this essay does not meet the TA requirements for the discussion. There is no extent discussion, just a plain reference to the government needing to do more to encourage home recycling, which is not the discussion point of the essay. The discussion point is, "To what extent should the government legislate home recycling?". That is what you failed to discuss. There is no all encompassing discussion for this prompt. Only partial discussion based on the limitations of the government when it comes to the issue of mandating recycling from home.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
1 day ago
Scholarship / What makes you a unique candidate to study abroad? 200-250 words [2]

First up, indicate an interest in Japan. What makes your interest in Japan unique? Why does that unique interest make you an excellent candidate? You have not referenced anything in this essay that the other applicants will not also be using as their qualifications. You beat the other candidates by creating a stand out personality. By creating a persona that tells the committee that you will be an asset to the program, should you be added to it. Honestly, this essay tells me that you are a keen applicant. You have the potential to be a notable applicant. You just don't know how to make yourself unique at the moment. So focus on Japan and the special relationship you might have with it. This could be cultural, personal, or a keen interest in the special academic world that the Japanese have created for their kids. Think about how you fit in this world or how you envision yourself competing and succeeding in this environment. What is it about you that would make you survive and stand out? Think beyond the normal capacity of a student. Think of yourself a super student instead.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
1 day ago
Scholarship / WHY DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR PROPOSED COURSE AND INSTITUTION? (Master of International Trade) [2]

Never revise your essays for a new application. Never reuse old essays. Never edit it. Never think that you can fool the reviewer into thinking that your old essays have been improved enough to qualify you this time around. They will know. They will be reviewing your old file since you are a second chance applicant. Write new essays for the scholarship application. These new essays must reflect how your circumstances, skills, or potential have changed or improved since you last applied. Qualify yourself by increasing your potential this time around. You can mention your previous application, but then explain how your situation has been altered for the better since then. Aim for a different university this time, or a different career path. Change the foundation of your application this time around to better your chances.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
1 day ago
Letters / How to write an formal and simplistic letter of explaination? [2]

The main problem that your study plan has is that it relates to a change of career path on your end. You started as a Civil Engineer and now, you want to become a supply chain professional. There must be a representation of the reasons for the career change, how you are working in that section now, and what your future will be after you complete the course and return to your home country. The study plan has to represent how and why these studies are important to your career. There isn't really a justification presented, only reasons why the universities in Kuwait cannot fulfill your perceived educational needs. These explanations are not acceptable as a part of a study plan presentation. Rather, you have to explain how you will immediately apply what you have learned upon your return. Does completing the studies mean working for your father's company? What is the plan? What will your focus be in terms of supply chain management? Why will you focus on that? There are several questions that you need to represent responses to in your letter. However, without the prompt for the study plan, I cannot really explain how to integrate the responses into the required information.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
1 day ago
Writing Feedback / The maps illustrate tourism facilities in some island before and after constructed by the developers [2]

When identifying images, indicate the number of images presented. In this task, there are 2 maps. So the differentiation should be based on 2 maps as provided. Do not change the information from the original prompt. There are no "developers" mentioned as having constructed the facilities. This misleads the reader, who will not know what the actual information was only based on "the construction of tourist facilities". It is that phrase that you should have accurately restated in your own words, without changing the information by referring to "developers" since, as I mentioned before, there was no reference to such originally.

Your vocabulary is not very good. You are using the word "buildings" to represent the constructed edifices on the island. These are not buildings. These are huts, tents, guest facilities, guest houses, to name but a few more appropriate alternative word choices. Remember what you are writing about and use relevant language in relation to that. In this case, you are writing about the beach island and its facilities. The hotels on beaches are not normally called "buildings".
Holt  Educational Consultant  
1 day ago
Scholarship / Business Administration: Personal Statement for KGSP Application [3]

You have not based the personal statement on the motivational discussion requirements of the essay. The motivation for your studies does not establish itself based on a professional requirement or demand for increased skills within your career. While your mother's business may have inspired you, the only way this can pass as a motivational foundation is if you are taking the helm of a medium scale to large scale enterprise from her. Only then will her inspiration and your exposure to the business she runs make sense as a motivation.

You have not portrayed yourself as having an applicable business administration background based on your academic presentation. You have not qualified yourself as a masters degree student with a potential to complete complicated thesis research, and accomplish other difficult masters classes tasks as you did not really represent these skills in your presentation. More importantly, there is no clear representation of your interest to study this course in Korea. Without these important aspects, your application will be disregarded. Review the information presentation instructions again. This time, provide the required data. This essay will not work. It is not the kind of statement that will get you past the screening round.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
2 days ago
Graduate / [KGSP-G] - International Trade Studies (GSIS) - Statement of Purpose [3]

ONE TOPIC PER THREAD

Your thesis paper should be completed over the duration of your masters course. The Goal of Study and Study Plan does not include language courses. The focus of this statement must be on your thesis development alone. The presentation follows a thesis proposal that shows why your research is important, how you will complete the research in Korea, what the university can do to aid in your research, and what you hope to do with your thesis after you complete the research. Note that the title of the section is: Statement of Purpose with the sub-title: Goal of study, title or subject of research, and detailed study plan. All of these must relate to your thesis research as this will show how you plan to pursue the development of your masters theoretical and practical skills during your time as a student. Focus on the thesis development. Use a thesis proposal presentation. If possible, relate your undergraduate studies and/or professional experience to your goal of study / purpose for study. The goal of study is the purpose, as it applies to your profession now or in the future, should you be planning to pursue a promotion.

The future plan in Korea or another country after study in Korea should be a separate essay. Since we have a one topic per thread policy at this forum, my review will end with the study goal section of your essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 21, 2021
Graduate / Parson's Fashion Marketing and Communication Statement of Purpose [2]

I am unclear as to whether this is an SOP for an undergraduate or masters course. Based on the information presented, I will assume that you are going to be enrolling in a formal photography course covering 4 years. So an undergraduate SOP review will be used on your paper. Next time, please indicate if this is for U or M course so that an appropriate review can be made. You get only 1 free review from me so you have to make it count.

This presentation reflects more of a personal statement rather than a statement of purpose. A statement of purpose, based on an a U course should reflect your future career plans. Based on your previous training and background, how have these created a solid idea for you regarding where you see your career in 5 years? Why did you decide on that professional path for yourself? How will your studies at this university help you achieve these plans? Perhaps indicate a reference to a 2-5 year career plan leading up to a masters course.

As you have not provided me with any prompt instructions that you were instructed to follow, this general review covers the basic expectations of a reviewer when it comes to an SOP. If there are specific information required, which led to your writing this type of purpose essay, then you should have included it in the posting.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 21, 2021
Letters / A letter which is given to the organisers of a course about helping improve your memory. [4]

Is this for a Task 1 essay? I really need the writing instructions to be able to properly review this work. I am not sure where I should focus my review without the instructions for writing. So I guess I will have to just look at the more common mistakes that will still help you write a better letter next time.

You are using non academic punctuation marks such as ellipses in this presentation. As those indicate a pause in the writing process to give the reader a chance to fully understand what it it is you are trying to say, it should not be applied to an academic letter to the organizers of the course. The presentation of the ellipses give a dramatic effect in an otherwise straightforward conversation.

You are also offering too much information, as far as I can tell, regarding your personal reasons for taking the course when these should only be a general reference that will show your interest in enrolling in the course. The organizers do not have need for your personal information. Your inquiry should focus only on the professional aspect of the inquiry.

You are also indicating a desire to try other metheods is available, so that shows a partial interest in the course which may not make the organizers interested in responding to your inquiry.

The first paragraph of the presentation is a but confusing to read. There is a clear lack of sentence and thought development structure in English. Meaning the reader will find it difficult to understand the point of that paragraph. It causes confusion and will result in a lower GRA score than expected.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 21, 2021
Scholarship / HRM impact - reasons have encouraged me to apply the Global Korea Scholarship Program [2]

As my parents always say to me "Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world- Nelson Mandela"

If your parents are the ones saying this, then there should not be a reference to Nelson Mandela. This makes your statement appear to be a lie. Why? Your parents did not say it, Nelson Mandela did. One point against you for not being honest in your declarations at the very start of your essay. Remember that you are signing an oath with this application attesting to the truthful information within your essays that you will be submitting throughout the application process.

Your family cannot be your biggest motivation for applying to the course and scholarship. You get nothing by being motivated by them. They can be an inspiration, but definitely not a motivation. The motivation needs to be related to a personal career decision and its relevant background. Wishing to study abroad on funding cheapens your motivation to apply for the GKS-U scholarship. That means you are applying for multiple scholarships and will accept the first offer you get. You are really off to a disqualifying start with this presentation. From the first to second paragraph, you have successfully disqualified yourself from the competition already.

Here is my advice, review the prompt requirements again. Pay specific attention to the Korean relationship, the motivation to study in Korea, and other Korea specific requirements. You do not have an effective essay at this point. I cannot even continue to read it because of the inappropriateness of your statement. If I cannot continue reading it, the actual reviewer most certainly won't finish reading it either.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 21, 2021
Writing Feedback / Task 1 about the proportion of national buyer expenditure on selective categories in five nations [3]

You forgot to include the image so you cannot expect a thorough and appropriate review of your report presentation. I do not have any instructions or image to base the review of your work on. That said, I will do what I can to give you a general review of your work. As best as it can apply without the writing instructions.

The summary overview could have more information such as the categories you will be reviewing, which would help the reader develop a mental picture of the image the information is based on. You are missing a trending statement in the presentation. Your summary of information comparison is missing the 5th country. The comparison cannot be considered a trending statement as the trending statement indicates either a predominantly high or low measurement towards the end of the measurement image for one of the countries. There is no country in particular that needs to be presented, but the trend must be singular rather than comparative.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 21, 2021
Letters / Motivation letter to lead a social change [3]

You have wasted too much of the character count on a confusing explanation that does not relate in any way to the Swedish scholarship you are applying for. These removed the focus of the response from how you will apply what you will learn in Sweden with your home country. Focus on the actual question. What is the career plan after you complete the course? You already have an idea of how you will be able to use what you potentially be learning upon your return. That is because you already know why you chose to study this masters course. Explain that purpose in this statement. The response doesn't actually represent any information that will explain how you will be applying the information gained to help improve your profession or progress your career upon your return.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 21, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS: People in big cities are facing many health challenges due to a high level of air pollution [4]

When there is no emotion involved in the original statement (e.g. controversially), there is no need to state the topic in an exaggerated manner in the restatement. Since this has to be an academic presentation of the original prompt, you do not need to use sensationalist terms in an effort to increase your LR score. Trigger words (controversially) are not required in an academic opinion presentation. You were asked direct questions in the original prompt, these require direct responses in the restated section because your responses to the questions will be used to measure how well you understood the discussion topic, questions, and your ability to properly respond to the same. English comprehension skills must be evident in this paragraph.

You tend to use non-academic terms in your essay such as "etc." which reduces the C&C abilities of your presentation. Always bear in mind that this is an academic paper, not a casual blog or discussion among friends. Always write for your target audience who are, in this case, academics and fellow students.

Your causes and solutions paragraph have too many causes, but not enough explanations for each cause. The discussion is imbalanced. Use one topic or 2 related topics in the paragraph that can use the same examples and explanations so that the C&C score will not be lowered due to under developed explanations.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 20, 2021
Letters / Biotechnology Engineering - Applying to SINReM Erasmus Mundus Programme - Motivation letter [2]

Remove the third paragraph in this presentation. That is information that should be in the statement of purpose as a part of your foundational education that prepared you to perform professionally and also, take this masters course. The essay will flow much more smoothly, as a motivational letter, if you remove that paragraph. It shows a clear intention for your studies and the motivation that drove you to pursue these advanced courses. However, the essay still requires additional information.

The problem that I see with this essay is that it does not include reasons why you have chosen a particular university to study at. Though you are interested in the scholarship program, you need to prove a motivation for studying abroad as well. Start with your choice of university and how those relate to your future career plans. How were you motivated to choose the country? Finally, explain why you believe that studying in Europe is enough of a motivation for you to do better in your career.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 20, 2021
Scholarship / Statement of Purpose_ Erasmus + EPOG Joint Master's Degree Programme [2]

There is no evidence of you having an interest in learning about Economics in a manner that is not academically inclined. I think you did not understand the meaning of the word "heterodox". The word is defined as; "not in accordance with established or accepted doctrines or opinions, especially in theology; unorthodox.". You were not able to imply an ability to learn in an informal setting or, beyond the preset norms for economic theories and applications. Overall, this essay is simply a personal statement that would best serve you as an application essay for a simple masters course or a different scholarship. This application is not EM material due to the failure of your presentation to adhere to the heterodox requirement of the presentation. Where is the heterodox approach during your work time at ACTED, MSF, and OXFAM? These are the references in the essay that should have been able to prove your heterodox approach to economics, based on your work experience and necessary professional adjustments while working for these firms.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 20, 2021
Graduate / REVIEW GUYS - TRACK MOTIVATION FOR MASTERS IN ENGINEERING DESIGN WITH MACHINE DESIGN TRACK [3]

The educational background that you are presenting is just an enumeration of courses. It does not prove that you have been totally prepared and actually have applied these lines of study to your actual workplace. An effective educational background would have shown a direct representation of the courses, as implemented in your workplace, within your current or past work duties. As of now, I cannot consider these information as a true motivation for interest in this course.

The professional presentation should be a separate paragraph, independent of the educational background as the two are not related in content. This is nothing more than a long listing of your resume, which is not what a motivation letter is all about. The second paragraph further fails to represent an actual motivation for your interest be it academically or in terms of career advancement. The letter is not effective due to the lack of a proper motivation in relation to your skills and other prompt requirements. This is a mere discussion, that does not give a proper focus on the required information. This essay cannot help you create a successful scholarship application. There is stiff competition for the EM scholarship program this year. You are not, based on this presentation going to make it past the screening round. Not unless you can develop a correct motivational letter. From the looks of it, you do not have a clear motivation for the studies in terms of your future career. You have failed to properly provide the required prompt requirements.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 19, 2021
Undergraduate / My education - Trinity College Supplemental Essay: How would you contribute? [3]

The essay is too self-absorbed. You are always talking about what you can take from the university rather than what you can contribute. The whole essay should be about your contribution to the community. You were off to a good start when you discussed your Sikh upbringing. I was hoping to read more about how that upbringing would translate into your contribution to the Trinity College community. Instead, it veered into the "Myself" territory for most of the essay. Focusing on what you hope to learn and experience rather than what you can contribute. Paragraphs 2-5 are off track as far as I am concerned, as I know you will have a different opinion about what the actual focus of the essay is. However, I believe the focus should be on:

how do you see yourself contributing to the Trinity community?

Clearly paragraphs 2-5 do not focus on what you can contribute, just what you can take from the community. The mention of S.A.I.L. got you back on track, all the way to the end of that paragraph. Then, you dropped the ball again with your closing paragraph. Look into the community clubs and organizations of Trinity. There are many you can mention in this essay that will help you explain how you can bring your Sikh upbringing to the university, with a resulting happier community just because of how you were brought up. Your upbringing, properly explained in relation to the various clubs and organizations at the college will definitely help you explain how you can improve on the presentation of the 3 pillars, which seem to have a solid foundation in your Sikh upbringing as well.

Translate the langar into your participation at a soup kitchen or food bank, or any sort of community food support system the college might have, transform lives by teaching your college-mates about the Guru Granth Sahib and the inner peace that it can bring ( promoting meditation or something), I know the Sikh do not believe in proselytizing, however, I mentioned this only as a form of connecting and / or transforming the lives of those around you ( those who might need some sort of help or support, just an idea...) based on the requirement of the 3 pillars to "Engage. Connect. Transform." I believe your background perfectly fits the bill. You just haven't properly considered how to do it.

You need to show your potential to bring diversity to the college community while helping to promote a better understanding of your background. You have to show that your addition, based on your way of life, will be something unique that the community can benefit from. This time, it is not about you and what you can receive, rather, it is about you and what you can give.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 19, 2021
Graduate / Statement of Purpose for MPH in Global Health, unconventional background (PhD in Computer Science) [2]

This is a highly confusing essay to read. I guess it is because you are trying to justify a shift from one career to another, within a statement of purpose. The two courses are actually unrelated, making it difficult to find a commonality that could help justify or create a purpose for the career change.Are you being asked to write a motivational letter where you might be able to explain what motivated the change in career? If not, then you have your work cut out for you. You will have to explain the motivation for a career change in the SOP, while trying to find some sort of courses from your undergraduate studies that might relate to public health studies. Think of how Data Science can relate to Public Health and work your way from there. Tip: Big Data has a direct impact on Public Health programs. Go from there. Your presentation should contain:

- An explanation for the career shift
- Purpose of your career shift
- Any relevant undergraduate and on the job training that might relate to MPH studies
- What you hope to learn at the university and why ( in relation to the career shift)
- How you see the course successfully helping you complete this change in career direction

These considerations should help you get started on a new SOP that hopefully, will be more related to a purpose for your studies in public health. Good luck!
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 19, 2021
Undergraduate / Entering a software engineering programme but have no relevant background whatsoever. [3]

There is no exceptional achievement or impressive lesson learned in this presentation. These are normal and average on the part of a student, professional, or person in national service. These are not mentions that would leave an impression on the reviewer nor will it help your application moving forward. Since you do not have any relevant background, what makes you think that you will qualify for this program? Do you at least have a self-study reference you can use to take the place of these unimpressive information? Self-study would normally help you create some sort of personal achievement based on work experience. If not, I do not know how we can move you forward without any relevant background. Your studies need to be based on a solid and relevant foundation or accomplishment on your part. The university is obviously not looking for so-so students to enter the program, so maybe you should seek entrance into a different university instead that will not require the relevant background so much on the part of the student. Your background is more relevant on the user side of things, the course requires stringent coding experience instead.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 19, 2021
Scholarship / Personal Statement for Erasmus Mundus CLMC programme scholarship [2]

The personal statement is good. However, there are sections that would better serve a purpose in your motivational letter. If you can remove the parts that better relate to the motivation letter, then you will have a pretty solid personal statement to present. You need to be strong in both essays to qualify as a candidate, so avoid confusing the presentation by including aspects that would strengthen the motivation more. If you will agree, remove paragraphs 3 and 5, the personal statement will be more focused. It will deal mostly with the development of your profession and skills, but will not encroach on your statement of purpose, when you write one for the application.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 19, 2021
Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Human Rights Studies in Sweden [2]

This is way too long for a statement of purpose. Unless otherwise specified, the SOP should be completed within 500-750 words that have a specific focus on your career development from the current point, moving into the future. The purpose must be related to your actual profession. Not some backstory that happened almost 8 years ago. The purpose of the course you have chosen to study must have an actual professional application for yourself. That means, it should help either strengthen your current skills or, develop skills that you will need to better perform your job or the next rank of your job. This presentation is more of a personal statement, so you can use it as such. You cannot use it as a statement of purpose.

Connect your studies and work experience in IR with a relevant purpose for seeking a masters in Human Rights Studies. I do not see a direct connection between these 2 aspects at the moment. Probably because of the lack of proper discussion focus in this essay. You have to write a totally new one that actually contains a purpose, as supported by your current work experience, and proven by your undergraduate studies.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 19, 2021
Speeches / A speech about the pressing problem in many countries - ROAD ACCIDENTS [2]

You cannot open a speech with an outline of the topics you will be discussing. You should have an introductory paragraph first that will introduce the main topic, then summarize the various discussion points you will be presenting, that would be the outline form that you have now. The speech itself is too abrupt when it comes to transitioning from paragraph to paragraph. Try to use a transition sentence from one topic to another, that is merge the current discussion with a presentation introducing your next paragraph topic to help ease the listener into the next part and also, allow for a clean introduction of the next topic without losing your listener. Don't close a speech with "In conclusion". That is such a memorized phrase, go for something more interesting such as, "All things considered" or "Analyzing these points brings us to only one result..." Use a more interesting and original way to signal the end of the speech. Some, do not signal at all. They simply stand quiet for a moment at the end. If you do not speak, the listener knows the speech is over.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 18, 2021
Writing Feedback / (coffee and tea purchases) - WRITING TASK 1 - TEST 1 (CAM 15) [3]

While you will not be scored less for writing over 200 words, the problem with writing more than 175-190 words is that you sacrifice the quality of your work. Allowing errors to remain because you ran out of time, or neglected to double check the presentation for obvious errors that can affect your GRA, LR, or C&C scoring sections. In this instance, the minute I looked at the image, and compared the description you used, I already saw an immediate TA problem. The presentation is a comparative columnar bar chart, you described it as a diagram. That is considered data inaccuracy and will show that you did not understand what the image represents. Do not offer personal opinions in the data presentation (It is undoubted that...) as there is no requirement for that in a task 1 essay. You should only report the facts as indicated, using your own words.

The summary overview should have at least 3-5 sentences in it. This should never be a run-on sentence because there are various information being presented, all of which require its own sentence presentation to help preserve the clarity of the summary paragraph.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 18, 2021
Graduate / Statement of purpose for graduate school, why EMECS - Erasmus Mundus Programme [2]

You cannot focus solely on your undergraduate education for an EM masters scholarship application. You have to show a clear professional purpose for your application. The educational background should explain the foundation for your skills as a professional. The discussion of your current work duties and responsibilities, and why you now require additional studies, will create the purpose for your need to complete this course.

This is nothing more than an academic explanation for your background. There is no real professional purpose indicated nor application of the studies explained. This is not an essay that can move your application forward. It does not help you compete with the qualifications of the other applicants. This is too amateur and does not serve any purpose at this point. You will be better helped if you read the other EM SOP essay samples at this forum. It should get you started on developing a new and more relevant SOP for the scholarship application.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 18, 2021
Letters / Motivation letter for the Engineering Technology Bachelor programme at KU Leuven [2]

This is a motivational letter that should be focused on your post study ambition. The motivation should explain how these studies, specifically studies in Europe and at this university, can help you achieve your goal. You make mention of Ayn Rand and Elon Musk as The people who inspired you to pursue this field of study. However, there is no clear reference to your ambition that would have been motivated by these people. What do you plan for your future? Why is that your motivation? Your character should be described through your motivation to achieve this goal. Specifically, if it can help your community or the world.

Your motivation for choosing the university is highly generic. You could be describing any university at this point. The motivation for your studies should relate to your reason for choosing the university. However, since your actual ambition remains unclear, it is going to be difficult for you to properly refer to an effective motivating factor for your university choice.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 18, 2021
Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 IELTS Cambridge 9 about how the island changes [3]

This presentation will receive an automatic failing score for the following reasons:
- Insufficient word count (minimum of 150)
- Improper formatting of the essay ( 3 paragraph minimum)

For writing only 129 words, the essay will receive a word deduction penalty for the missing 21 words. Since this will be done in percentage form, the TA score will start at a failing level. Then, the missing complete paragraph formatting will be an additional percentage deduction since the paragraphs do not meet the appropriate 3 paragraph requirement.

Due to the lack of image, I will be unable to review the essay for content accuracy. I also cannot review the essay for other possible errors due to insufficient information provided. Kindly remember to upload the images next time. It is a requirement for task 1 reviews. It is impossible to review your essay beyond the basics without it.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 18, 2021
Undergraduate / [PERSONAL STATEMENT KGSP-U] - I wonder if I'm being sentimental [4]

While this is an emotionally charged essay, I cannot say that it is strong enough to stand up to the competition. The lack of academic recognition that would help you become a competitive candidate is non-existent.

Your extra curricular activities do not portray you as someone with a sociocivic foundation that prepares you to be a future leader in your country. The contributions you made did not make marked changes in the lives of others. There is a lack of community building and socially nurturing relationship in the presentation.

The essay is unremarkable. It does not call attention to anything of note that would indicate that you are international scholarship material.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 18, 2021
Scholarship / [NTU Scholarship Essay] Values And Beliefs You Hold Strongly To - 'to start to be great' [3]

You have not responded to the task. There are certain belief and value systems associated with the character and / or personality of a person. These beliefs dictate your motto in life or your advocates. You have not represented either a value or belief, or both, in this presentation. It appears that you misunderstood or, totally disregarded the prompt you were provided with.

You must look up various belief and values systems to help you created a more appropriate response that will allow the reviewer to get a better idea of your character and how it was formed. These are openly available online. Just find the values and belief system, individually, that best represent you.

Discuss one of each in the essay over 2 paragraphs using no more than 150 words each. You may also provide a combined discussion of the two, provided the value and belief system clearly relate to one another in your presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 17, 2021
Writing Feedback / Space reasearch = waste of money? - Academic IELTS essay, task 2. [2]

You are not being on point or direct in your restatement of the original prompt. Do not insert subjects or topics that do not relate to the original presentation such as "scientific studies". You are altering the discussion focus when you do that. you should simply restate the original topic in the first sentence, just as it was placed in the original. Never start a sentence with a connecting word such as "and". you can only use that word in a sentence as a connector so either after a comma, or to connect two related words in a presentation sentence. You are being asked for your opinion in the presentation but you are giving a general point of view statement instead. The first person pronoun usage is required in such a presentation. So use the word "I" to represent your opinion, since a general opinion is not required.

The essay is missing a concluding paraphrase. You offered 4 paragraphs and over 250 words (see how I used the word "and" there?) but, did not offer a summary of the discussion as a conclusion. Instead, you continued the discussion with little developed presentation in the paragraph, which created an under developed open-ended paragraph. There will be point deductions for the improper closing of this essay as it does not follow the required format for the discussion presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 16, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 - Line graph - Wheat exports [2]

The suggested number of words for this writing task is 150-190 words. There are only 20 minutes for the task which requires you to completely draft, revise, review, edit, review, then finalize the paper before submission. You have to review the paper at least twice to make sure you meet the requirements of the task. In this case, you obviously failed to properly format the paper because you only have 2 paragraphs instead of the normal and required 3 paragraph format for the presentation. What good is writing a lot of words if you will receive more points deductions for improper task completion right?

There is no need to indicate the position of the image. You are to help the reader create a mental image using descriptive words throughout this task presentation. A more identifiable image reference would have been better (The line graph provided...) Insufficient data is presented in the summary. It is missing the summary of information sentence between the identification of the image and the trending statement.

The information about the European community should have been a separate paragraph since it carries more information. It indicates a change in the graph information so you could have used that as the third paragraph to complete the formatting presentation. Actually, the better presentation format would have been to group the information by years so that you have 2 clear sets of related and comparative information. The first set would be 1985,1986, 1987 and the second set would have been 1988,1989, 1990.Clearly separating the information by group year would have made the presentation clearer, easier to follow, and more memorable to the reader. I see that you tried to do it in this presentation, but seem to have gotten confused as to how to properly do it. Next time, mention the exact years rather than saying "20 years" and the like. Definite statements score better than glossed over information.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 16, 2021
Writing Feedback / Studying with a group of students in a classroom is more beneficial than learning online at home. [3]

Well, this isn't really an argument as it is a difference of opinions or points of view. So to say that "it is argued" may be viewed as incorrect by the examiner. The reference point to the discussions must never be exaggerated as it changes the discussion slant of the original prompt. Examiners tend to score down sensationalist references in essays.

It is not really advisable to use a "partially agree" reference for your measured extent response as there is no partial discussion possible for this essay. Why is that? It is a single opinion essay. A partial agreement makes the scoring for "clarity of opinion" lower because your opinion is neither in support nor not in support of the discussion. It says you don't have an opinion. That is why you are asked for a measured response. A better method of responding would have been:

While there are benefits to studying online, I tend to lend my full support to the idea that in - school teaching offers more gains to the students.

Such a response statement is clear, definite in opinion presentation, and lays the strong groundwork for a singular opinion defense in two paragraphs. This also makes it easier for you to develop a better discussion or reasoning paragraph because, as is always the case, it is easier to present a fully developed support for one reason than it is to create a strong comparative argument without supporting a clear opinion.

In your presentation, your first reason was strong, but under explained. That is because, rather than fully explaining the scientific research, you just mentioned it, then mentioned another reason, without explaining the second reason fully. This created an under developed paragraph based on 2 improperly presented reasoning topics. There is no connection between the two that could have increased the C&C score. Then, you went on to defend the second opinion, without clearly explaining the reasons using properly developed examples to support it either. It is just a series of topics lacking in a definite defense. These are the reasons why this extent essay must always be a single opinion defense. Use 2 reasons that support a single opinion in 2 separate paragraphs, you should see the difference and strength in the position you wrote about using that method. You can definitely score better using it.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Jan 16, 2021
Letters / Motivational letter for a Master's program at the Tampere University. Finnish Govt Scholarship [3]

As this is a masters course application, any stories from your childhood relating to your interest and motivation for studying the masters course is already inapplicable. The reviewers will be looking for your undergraduate studies and professional experience connection with your motivation instead. The undergraduate course must reflect the inadequacies of your early tertiary education in relation to your current job duties and responsibilities. You must prove that your undergraduate course can no longer answer in terms of training, for the current and future needs of your profession.

Mentioning a specific Nigerian government program, as opposed to your observation of the healthcare system will be far more relevant to your motivation for the advanced studies. Your experience as the president of the faculty is irrelevant in this situation and should not be included in the discussion. It does not respond to any prompt requirement.

The reason for choosing the country should come before choosing the university. The motivation to study in Finland must reflect the impressive healthcare system of the country as the reason for your motivation to study there. You may highlight their healthcare system, drug companies, or any Finnish government program that relates to healthcare cover any aspect. Only after that justification can you choose the university.

Name the university, the course, and the specific curriculum requirements that have drawn you to the program. Explain these in terms of how the studies can be applied towards your current or future career in Nigeria. Relate the motivation as being career advancement based in order to create a convincing personal reason. How will the studies apply and how can the university program help you out?

As for the challenges you expect to face, you should be showing a proactive intention to overcome these problems by first, beginning to learn the rudiments of the Finnish language even in informal settings such as using apps. Second, create a social circle for you early on by joining forums and the like to get to know some students from the university or from Finland themselves.

Right now, your essay is a jumbled and confusing draft. You have the information all over the place instead of in a focused presentation. If you use my instructions, the essay should begin to fall into place. While you do have a national Nigerian program mentioned, it is too much at the very end to serve any purpose to your essay. This version is not going to hold the reviewer's attention and could very well be ignored by the reviewer by the time he gets to the second paragraph.