This is a business letter. Therefore, it must use all formal and professional forms of address. It is incorrect to address a formal letter as "Dear all". It may be addressed "To all concerned" or "To our valued staff and employees", but never "dear all'. It shows that the writer does not know the rudiments of professional letter or email writing and will definitely be a negative mark on his GRA score.
Information as provided only require statement / paragraph presentations. These information do not require bullet points as these are not extensive and notable. These are explanatory information which was misrepresented in the letter. As such, it does not really achieve the purpose of sharing such information. This was the writer's way of not making an effort to properly write the memo in English.
As this is more of a memo than a professional letter, owing to how it contains internal information for sharing, the letter has not followed the correct presentation format. The writer should know the difference between a formal letter and an internal memo, which is what this presentation should have been presented as.
The essay is tremendously boring. It does not catch the reviewer's attention, nor does it contain any information that would be considered remarkable or memorable by the screener. The writer has used almost all of the word count but failed to provide information as necessary and within the context of the prompts. It is difficult to say that this essay will receive ample consideration during the screening portion of the candidates. The writer does not have the correct professional presentation in this essay, he turned it into a personal narrative, which is why the direction of the information is misdirected. Clearly lacking from this essay is the instruction that the writer briefly outline his immediate and long-term career goals in relation to his studies. How will the studies contribute to the said career advancement? Does the writer really understand what the studies are about? He does not really display any familiarity with the program beyond surface references that do not offer any insight into his understanding of the connection between his future career and the studies he wishes to undertake. This is not a very strong essay at this point. He should consider writing a new, stronger, more focused essay before applying for acceptance to the university.
The prompt restatement + writer's opinion is not going to get a passing score for 2 reasons. First, it does not give a prompt restatement but a writer's discussion opinion. That occurred when the writer added the information
On daily basis
. The second reason for the failure will be a lack of proper writer's opinion using the thesis presentation format. He cannot receive a writer's opinion score in that paragraph when all the writer did was repeat the writing instructions. That is an automatic failure since repeating instructions does not allow the writer to give a clear opinion based on the given guide questions. These are the most score reducing portions of this essay.
Where is the summary conclusion? That is sorely missing in this presentation. The summary conclusion is a requirement for the discussion accuracy score. The reverse paraphrase of at least 2 sentences would help to increase the discussion score potential for this essay. An essay without a summary conclusion paragraph cannot receive a higher than average passing score due to incorrect writing / discussion format requirements.
There is no real passion for engineering in this statement. Where is the pursuit of Engineering activities to help build skills in the field? Learning how to install household electricity and the lessons it includes is not the same as a high school student who has been passionately pursuing an interest in engineering through proper (formal) engineering activities training participation. The most interest presented here is an interest in Maths, which should not be confused with a representation of an interest in Engineering. The application statement is not applicable to the aspects of the questions and writing instructions provided. Specifically, there is no interaction with Waterloo alumnae who could advice regarding the interests of the applicant. The teacher point of view is so simplistic, it could apply to any subject, not just engineering. The student has not made an effort to actually respond to all the requirements. He only focused on one part of the application statement.
The essay has already received a failing score for the preliminary TA consideration. That is because the original prompt topic and discussion points were completely altered by the writer in his restatement and opinion presentation. As such, the writer cannot expect to receive a passing score even if the does well in the succeeding LR, C+C, and GRA considerations. While minimal points will be awarded in these sections, the fact that the writer did not follow the writing and discussion instructions are originally indicated have prevented the writer from gaining a passing score. Once the writer shows that he failed to follow the writing instructions, it becomes clear to the examiner that the writer does not have an English comprehension ability that will allow him to perform well in an English academic setting. The only way to pass a task 2 test is to make sure that the discussion instructions are properly represented in the reasoning paragraphs and that the restatement paragraph does not totally deviate from the given discussion considerations. This essay did not follow instructions.
The claims being made in this essay are too generalized and not really verifiable. Try to revise the essay to focus only on the community relationship aspect of your qualifications. This time, mention specific activities , organizations, and other information that the reviewer could double check to make sure that you are telling the full truth in your essay. That means, highighting the organization and the most notable participation that you had, which helped build a community rather than win a competition should be the main intent of this essay. Right now, the essay is a mix and match of different ideas which do not always focus on community building through diversity. So that is what needs to be addressed in the corrected version.
I am not sure if the writer is responding to a Task 2 prompt or if this is just a statement for an English writing exercise. If it is for a task 2 discussion, then this single paragraph will automatically receive a failing score for not meeting the word count and having an improperly presented line of reasoning.
If this is for a simple English writing exercise then the writer should have paid more attention to his vocabulary usage, punctuation mark use and positioning in the sentences, as well as the clarity of his thoughts. There is a disconnection between the reasons he presents and evidence to prove that his claims are valid. The overall discussion has a problem because of the lack of idea development and examples. While the grammar is not perfect, the writer manages to reveal a clear thought, which only needed more development to make it clearer and better accepted as a discussion point.
This phrase indicates that you already have an opinion that you will be sharing with the reader. Therefore, your opinion should have been presented to indicate that you will be using the 3 reasoning paragraph format for this essay. the writer's opinion ended without stating an opinion. Therefore, deductions will be made since a portion of the task requirement for this paragraph was not achieved. Where there is no clear opinion present, the writer will receive a failing score for the task restatement preliminary consideration.
The essay also did not follow the prescribed discussion format for this topic which is to use a group point of view in comparison with a personal opinion. Since the indication for the writing format for the essay is the 3 reasoning paragraph, the format should have been:
Paragraph 2: Explanation of why Public Opinion 1 is valid (Based on public perception). Paragraph 3: Explanation of why Public Opinion 2 is valid (Based on mass understanding). Paragraph 4: Statement of the writer's personal opinion with supporting reasons (Using personal perspective references)
As such, this essay is approached only from the personal opinion side, which makes the discussion incomplete since the required comparative discussion basis is not represented. It will have TA and C+C scoring problems.
When there is an option to highlight one skill in the essay, always go for the topic that can be fully discussed and enhanced as per the prompt requirement. It is more important to create an impression with one focus rather than present 2 activities, with one having less than stellar exposure. The first consideration can easily be forgotten in such a case. In this instance, there is more substance to your time as a technical photographer assistant job who learned the ropes rather than participating in any actual camera work .
I believe the emphasis should be on the latter as it better applies to college preparation in terms of dealing with adult responsibilities and conflict resolution. Both of which are common situations a new college student must be able to deal with.
While an interest in photography as a hobby led to the internship via technical work, it was not really the highlight of the activities. Since the overall discussion was not about gig photography as an activity, it should not have a lengthy sentence presentation since it should only be used to lead into how you came to work with the professional team as an all around assistant.
The way this essay is set up, it appears that you allowed Dylan and his mother to slack off without properly learning the English language just because of their being immigrants and having a problematic family situation. Rather than making excuses for the mother and son in this essay, you should be showing how you helped them overcome the language barrier and Dylan's educational shortcoming. The idea is to show how you handled a unique negative situation and turned it into a positive. All I read in this essay were excuses for the shortcomings of both persons, without you actually doing something to help them better themselves, which would have been the point of the response. How would you handle the same situation as a college student? Will you just keep making excuses for the diverse community you belong to rather than helping the diverse community develop and improve through your help? Empathy cannot be used as an excuse for inaction. Your inaction and excuses are what made the response irrelevant to the actual information requirements of the prompt. Perhaps you just forgot to mention what actions you took, so mention those in the revised version.
There is nothing impressive about the basis of your educational goal. Anybody who has the money, time, and inclination can create an electric car as a hobby these days. So that is not going to impress the reviewer anymore. Try to think outside the box. Use Waterloo and its open learning system to create something that is unexplored or little developed these days. Electric cars are over developed. You can look up the candidates for the EarthShot Prize 2022 and the stand out projects that each one has developed to gain inspiration to develop a more interesting and unique reason for wanting to become an Electrical Engineer. Do not just say you want to make a positive impact. The motivation for your studies need to prove that you are a forward thinker who knows how to use the offerings of the university to his learning and invention benefit. This particular answer is forgettable and the way the university will be used is highly generic. Surely you can come up with a more inspired response than this.
The essay could have been better developed by the writer. Firstly, he should have properly represented his thesis statement in relation to the direct questions being asked. He only repeated the instructions, he did not give a summarized response to the questions, which left the restatement + opinion paragraph without any true opinion for consideration. Therefore, the score that will be given for the preliminary consideration will be based on a lack of proper response format, no opinion presented, and basically, an incompletely developed paragraph that is lacking in logic and reasoning presentation.
Since this is a problem - solution discussion, the writer should not present 2 problems in 1 paragraph then 2 solutions in the next. A fully developed, properly explained, and well scoring paragraph will:
Sentence 1: Present the problem Sentence 2: Explain why the problem occurs Sentence 3: Present a solution Sentence 4: How to implement the solution Sentence 5: Give an example to prove that the solution can be implemented in real time
These are the series of discussion points that will create a cohesive and coherent problem-solution paragraph. These are the keys to achieving a high scoring essay based on this format. Kindly also remember to use at least 2 summary sentences in the concluding paragraph to meet the 40 word minimum requirement for that section.
More than 80% of this essay is irrelevant to the proper motivation for attending the program. Since this is a highly competitive international scholarship with a medical focus, the candidate should not come across as a newly graduated academic or professional, which is what the personal statement aspect of this presentation does. It makes the applicant seem amateur rather than professional. If i were reading this essay as a reviewer, I would disqualify the candidate before I even reached the second paragraph. That is because there is no immediate motivation presented in the discussion. The first 2 paragraphs should be used to solidly present the professional motivation of the candidate, which would lead to a clear discussion as to the relevance of the Neurasmus program to his future career path. I do not get a sense of an actual career path based on the scholarship studies in this essay. It does not accomplish the task of creating a viable candidated based on the applicant qualifications. There is no clear motivation presented, only an interest in applying to participate in the program, which is not the same as a motivation.
I do not think that consequence is the correct term to use in this case. Consequence refers to a negative result of a particular action. I believe that you do not mean to refer to the situation as consequence right? Rethink what you wanted to say and restate the intent in a new and better word referenced sentence. Make the experience positive rather than a negative.
The internship experience seems out of place in the overall conversation. It was afterall, a college training experience and not a formal professional undertaking. I would skip that reference in this presentation since it fails to merge itself with the other concepts being discussed and presented.
The competition aspect is applicable overall. However, I fail to see what skills you specifically contributed to the success of the program that could be considered a factor that would contribute to your success as a student under this scholarship program.
The first thing the writer has to do is edit the statement in relation to the word count. A statement of purpose can be interestingly written within 750 words. He does not need to write over a thousand words in this case because more than 50 percent of the essay does not proper focus on the purpose of his interest in the MsC Finance program.
A proper statement of purpose will highlight the college studies of the applicant in direct relation to the academic foundation requirement of the Msc. This foundation should then lead into the relevant work experience of the candidate, whose professional purpose for attending masters classes should slowly emerge through the professional experience discussion. The discussion about the demise of the applicant's father is not a necessary nor considerable aspect of the purpose so it can be completely removed from the presentation.
The writer has a definite purpose for his Msc. The problem is that he has used the purpose essay as a biographical presentation instead, which makes this a personal statement and thus, not effective as a statement of purpose. By writing a new essay that truly highlights the necessary components of the purpose of study, he will better present himself as a candidate for the course. Keep this presentation short but informative. Stick to 750 words. The reviewer will thank you for it.
The first paragraph is useless. It should not be presented in such a manner because it sounds like the applicant is introducing a performer rather than a motivation letter. It makes the start sound highly unprofessional. It will be best for the student to skip that introduction or develop a less showbiz sounding opening paragraph.
Since there are several universities that the applicant, should he accepted into the program, will be studying at, he should be defining the reasons for each choice in the presentation. He should not focus on only one study focus, university, country, or city. While the essay does make the student seem highly eager to attend the program, a trained reviewer will realize that the excitement and overall presentation does not really align with the expected information for the assessment of his application. It is an interesting essay, but empty when it comes to proper substance. Review the requirements for the motivational letter again and make sure that this time, an equal focus and proper information presentation will be used in the presentation.
The opening paragraph is confusing. If the focus of the essay is to be the community of the writer, then he must make that very clear from the first paragraph. The topic introduction and short form discussion topics should already focus on the community of the student since that is the target of the discussion.
I am not sure if the writer knows the difference between the effects of a lockdown and a worker's strike. When a community is locked down, a strike is not possible. Even after the lockdown, a strike can not be accomplished because of social distancing and other health safety protocols.
Abbreviated references such as "etc." should not be used in academic writing. Such references are best used in casual writing since there are no writing formalities involved in such non-academic writing formats.
The concluding presentation is too short to be qualified as a proper summation. It does not really reference the benefits and drawbacks the community experienced. The writer needs to properly develop a concise summary for better scoring next time.
The email cannot be properly reviewed in its current state. When no writing instructions are provided for the benefit of the educational consultant, where more than half the email is blanked out by the writer, a proper review cannot be made. There is basically no information provided in the email that I can review to help the student improve his task writing skills. It is important that the writer post the complete email, along with writing instructions should he wish to receive a proper review from this consultant at this forum. Only when I have the complete information in relation to the writing task will I be able to provide a proper work analysis for the writer.
The first paragraph of this essay is quite concise in representing the motivation of the student and the imperative need for professionals with the skillset that the masters course will produce. Since the applicant has already been exposed to relevant clinical situations throughout his 5 year career, it is understood that he has the practical skills to complete the course. So the candidate should now focus on using the research aspect to further heighten and strengthen his motivational considerations. There is a specific mention of an interest in doing research during the course. This should be further developed to connect to the professional motivating factor. That way a career progression or accomplishment that can help the country of the student will become a very important motivating consideration.
The last paragraph would have been highly effective as the establishing paragraph in the opening portion. This should definitely have been the first paragraph as it gives and overview of why the university is a fit for the student and vice versa. Further building on this presentation would be most helpful to the motivational letter.
It is not obvious to the reviewer that you would not be studying college locally. That needs to be established through a motivating paragraph that compares the local educational system with the international program you hope to attend. This paragraph needs a backstory to back up the eventual claim being made. Remove the reference to university ranking. The reviewer is not impressed by information he already knows. Remove any and all references that you took from the website or their brochure. The admissions committee will not be interested in general references for the motivation. These need to be unique in order to make your motivation stand out and memorable to those concerned with your admission.
You are applying for admission to film school. Therefore, you need to be a highly imaginative and creative storyteller. I am sure you are one, but it is not reflected in this essay. It does not manage to hold the interest of the reader, much less the reviewer, who will be expecting a lot more from a film school applicant. Think big. Do not limit yourself. Use an imaginative presentation that will accurately tell a story within the specified word limitation. Be a movie producer. Use that mindset. Pitch an interesting story. Make the words come to life onscreen. This is a reflective essay but not one that could flaunt your ability as a potential storyteller. The reviewer expects to be wowed by the big personal story. The short film pitch that says there is more to say but I ran out of space. Make him want to learn more about you. Be the producer, director, and star of this story pitch. That way you gain his attention in a way a standard written essay like this one cannot. Remember, you control the narrative, so use it well to deliver a killer personal statement.
The essay does not respond to the questions pro used at all. What the writer presented was his academic biography and relevant experiences that would give more mea kng to his background. Had this been an ordinary personal statement then this response would have sufficed. The problem is that there are 2 prompt specific questions that should be the center of the narration. The writer barely touches on these questions in the final paragraph, which will tell the reviewer that the applicant is not familiar with the university, it's programs, nor does he have a relevant plan for personal and academic development based on the offerings provided.
Write a totally new essay. This time work on the response drafts separately so you will not lose focus. Take one question and respond to it. Then take the other question and do the same. Repeat the process until all questions have been responded to in draft form. After that, work on blending the responses to create a seamlessly connected response.
Do not get stuck in your own head when it comes to second or this person descriptions of who you are. The essay is not reflective of a public opinion in connection with their relationship with you. The essay does not convince the reader that you actually understood what sort of character analysis is required of you based upon the prompt.
The proudest reference in the essay is not effective either. Mainly because it uses a series of generic discussion points that do not really lead up to a memorable proudest moment in your life or in relation to your overall relationship with people.
It would be best if the writer develops a second version of this statement. This time focus on the required character and accomplishment analysis over 2 or 3 paragraphs. See yourself from the point of view of those close to you. Do not try to convert your personal opinion into a public statement. That is where this essay went wrong.
Use the correct response format for this essay. By that, I mean reflect on the characterization you have acquired in various settings as indicated. Do not try to develop a single explanation that encompasses all the social settings provided. Believe me, you are the same person in each setting. There are traits that emerge in certain situations that do not come up in other settings. The reviewer will never believe that you have only a few quality traits that are constantly on display. That creates a one dimensional character rather than a character that would be diverse, inclusive, and unique. Keep using the other person perspective to respond to the question even if you are no longer basing the characterization on an actual other person opinion. You still have to pass it off as such.
They want an exciting character to add to the student community. This is not the statement where you should play safe in character depiction. Show the reasons why you would be an asset to the community based on the indicated sections. Focus on why you are proud of the person you are because of these traits. Do not beat yourself up negatively in the response. You want to be a model applicant, not a self defeating one.
Please make sure to double check the draft version of the essay prior to submission. That will help with the correcting of the presentation in terms of missing punctuation marks, improperly used punctuation, incorrect word choices, and sentence structure improvement. These are the main problems that can be found in this essay with a simple scan of the work. The analysis of the presentation has not even been completed at that point and already the essay is in a big risk of not receiving a failing score.
The question asked is if the trend is a negative or positive development. The question was not responded to in the correct format. Rather, the writer immediately jumped to his thesis statement. In his haste to establish his discussion point, he will lose points for not directly presenting his opinion in a manner related to the question provided.
Since the writer has a single opinion for this essay, the discussion paragraphs should have represented 2 valid reasons for his opinion. What the writer did was try to justify both sides of the discussion in his reasoning paragraphs. That is the wrong writing approach for reasons previously mentioned. The essay cannot receive complete scoring marks since the evidence presentation is incomplete and lacking in substance. This happened because the writer used a comparative discussion rather than the single opinion defense format, which is the expected response format for this essay.
While the writer understood the topic for discussion and pretty much knew how to defend his point of view, the response format that was used proved to be the main problem for the presentation. The lack of proper response formatting and approach led to heavy deductions in the C+C section. This essay may not receive a passing score in an actual setting.
I am not clear regarding what question the writer is trying to respond to in this statement. In fact, I do not even know who Alice is and why that person has to be mentioned in this writing. I do not see a connection between the character and the writer's reference to his own chores in the response. I believe this lack of connection has affected the clarity of the presentation and is the main reason for the confusion when a stranger reads this piece of writing. More of a connected backstory is required. In addition to that, the writer should also avoid using the conjunction "and" to start a sentence. As he should know from his English lessons, a sentence should never start with a conjunction as there are no discussion ideas to be connected at the start of a sentence.
Which is the actual "important" part to you? Is it taking the next step or completing a goal? The prompt is asking for only a single response, but you appear to be presenting 2 important things in this essay. Narrow it down. I know the 2 are related but there can only be one priority in the response. Focus on the more important one because, while both are important to you, only one is truly responsive to the prompt. Only one of these will actually impress the reviewer. Therefore, it is up to you to pick the true important thing. The choices are "Completing a goal" or "Taking the next step" after a failure. Only one of the 2 should be highlighted in the presentation.
The writing comes across as very bad in sections where the writer does not use in-text citations to explain himself. Once an ENL speaker reads this paper, he will assume that the non-cited portions were written using a horrible language translator, which is why the grammar, sentence structure, and thought presentation are not coherent enough. The writer is redundant when making his opening statement, doing it over several paragraphs rather than just one. Then, he strings together the whole paper using consistent citations, without ever pausing to insert his opinion, personal understanding, or insight, that would show he actualy took the time to research, understand, and write the paper. With a paper this badly developed and written, the teacher will most likely believe that the student paid an ESL academic writer to complete this paper and give him a failing grade because of it.
The essay is over-written. It is not possible to write a 368 word essay within 40 minutes. Not when the writer is required to make sure that the essay is concise, without grammatical errors, and proofread for perfection prior to submission. Do not just keep writing for the sake of writing. That is how most exam takers fail this test. The idea is to show how well you can express yourself in a quick and coherent manner. This is not a test of how many English words you know. It is the focus on vocabulary made the writer develop the wrong writing format for this essay.
For starters, he does not need to vouch for the validity of the discussion since it is not a required aspect of the discussion. Where an alteration of the statement exists, a prompt deviation deduction will be applied. So, the writer will already start the test with a failing score. Then, he does not respond directly to the questions provided, which means the discussion foundation or idea presentation is missing, causing the full paragraph to fail for not meeting the Task Accuracy requirements for the prompt restatement + writer's opinion paragraph.
The writer is also hyper focusing on explaining only the first part of the discussion in every paragraph. The minute he has to develop an explanation for his second idea presentation, he runs out of discussion points and ends up creating an under developed paragraph instead. This is precisely why he should not focus on word usage, but rather, on a developed idea presentation, using only necessary words to get his message across.
Overall, this is a highly verbose, but not well developed essay so it will definitely have scoring problems in an actual test setting.
There is an inconsistency in the summary overview. The image depicts the measurements in percentage form based on half decade measurements. These information should be made clear in the summary overview prior to the collective time coverage reference.
Sentence stucturing is a problem in the trending paragraph. It is difficult to make sense out of the current format. If written as:
From 1970 to 2000, the figures increased significantly for the proportion of male smokers. This was indicative of the proportion of smokers in males being higher than in females in Britain.
the sentence would have been more coherent and concise in presentation, thus making it a higher scoring trend, which could have been merged with the summary for maximum TA impact.
Why is the focus always only on the male smokers? The female measurements should be properly discussed and represented as well. It is possible that the writer, who did not bother to proof read his work, also referred to the females as males in the next paragraph. A wrong interpretation that will result in a failing score for this essay since the analysis is faulty and will affect the validity of the C+C explanations.
Do not use the personal reference "I" when discussing the point of view of others. It defeats the purpose of seeing you as a person through the POV of others. Frame the same sentiments to come from a 2nd or 3rd person POV instead. That makes it more prompt responsive since the description cannot be coming from the writer, who is also the applicant. It creates a personal interest where it is not required. Truth be told, there are instances in that paragraph where it is pretty obvious that you are describing yourself from your own point of view rather than the "others" aspect. So that will definitely be noticed and could cause that paragraph to be disregarded from consideration. This is the most problematic aspect of the response and is what should be revised and improved upon.
This is definitely an essay that cannot recieve a passing score because it will receive a failing mark for each, individual scoring consideration. The sentences lack any sense and the meaning is difficult for a native English speaker to decipher due to the problematic word choices of the writer. The sentences are so improperly structured that it is obvious the student needs to take some formal English classes in order to understand how to construct even the most basic English sentence, much more a basic English paragraph. The reader is constantly confused by what meaning or idea the writer is trying to convey. The lowest marks will definitely be given in the TA section (in relation to a clear writer's opinion), the C+C section (due to the problem conveying his thoughts clearly and coherently), GRA (due to the lack of proper sentence substance), and LR (based on improper word choices).
The essay falls one word short of the 150 word requirement. As such, it will receive automatic deductions for being short of the presentation requirement and what is obviously a problematic analytical report. The writer was just too careless while writing this report. The evidence of which can be found in how he started the opening paragraph with a lower case word. The basic rule is that the first word of every sentence, regardless of paragraph number or position, should always be capitalized. Add to that the lack of proper punctuation mark usage and it becomes clear that the writer just did not care to double check his presentation just in case. The way this essay is structured, it appears that the writer does not care if he passes or fails the test.
The summary overview was incomplete and not even inclusive of the correct highlightable information. The trending statement asks the reader to look at the graph, when the indication for this task is to present the information in an imaginative manner since the reader does not have a copy of the report or image on hand.
I have pointed out only a few of the errors in this essay that will definitely prevent it from receiving a passing score. A comprehensive review of the mistakes in this presentation will simply be too long at this point. However, I have pointed out the most important aspects for improvement that, when corrected will show an immediate positive writing atyle change for the student.
Do not focus on word usage alone. There are several instances in this presentation when the word choice is incorrect or inapplicable to the sentence. These errors create problems since the paragraph becomes incoherent to the reader. I understand that the writer is trying to get a good LR score, but when the word meaning does not fit the representation, this attempt will only succeed in leading to a failing score in that section.
The writer has not provided a clear summary overview and the discussions are also lost in terms of coherent and cohesive representation. Information that is necessary, such as the year representations, proper paragraph comparisons, and individual paragraph explanations are not well threshed out in this essay. As such, the writer created an under developed reporting analysis. I believe this error was caused by his lack of outlining and drafting his presentation. The writer just wrote on the fly and hoped that it would result in a passing score, which it will not.
The main problem that I see with this essay is that it embodies the dream of someone else for you rather than a dream that you are pursuing for personal reasons. I am also not very comfortable with the aspect of religion being discussed in the essay. Mostly because it might accidentally offend the reviewer, which is a major reason why applicants are often told to steer clear of any religious discussion in the application essays.
I am also not clear as to why you were so severely affected by the death. Were you already a med school student at the time? Perhaps you were in pre-med at the time? Whatever the reason, there is a disconnection in relation to the pivot of your beliefs in terms of religion. The essay has several loopholes actually. Look into plugging these missing links or perhaps, aim for a more personal essay that does not focus on the dreams of someone else for you.
There is too much of "I" in this essay and not enough "they". The idea is to look at yourself from the outside, from someone else's perspective. What would make you a good person in their eyes? How have they proven these traits for themselves? Do not condense the description into pairs or groups. Introduce yourself to the reviewer based on the varied relationships they require. The characterization must be multifaceted and driven by the way you treat people, depending upon their importance, relationship, or representation in your life.
It appears that you are highly accomplished in life. This is not a bad thing but, it confuses the response to the question "What are you most proud of?" There are two ways to approach that qestion. The first way, is to choose a personal accomplishment that you feel represents the strongest character trait you have. The other, is to blend the opinions everyone else has of you into a characterization that will allow for a unique personification to emerge.
Remember to respond to the question in a well drafted manner. Outline the response based on the prompt instructions, then create a cohesive essay response based on the outline and first draft.
Where a general idea is presented, there is no need to exaggerate the basis. That means, the restatement should also be a calm and properly referenced idea presentation rather than a combative debate. All tasks are mere "discussions" rather than debates. Misrepresenting the discussion type will not help with an accurate interpretation of the topic and should be avoided due to the deductions it could cause. There was also no reason to use an emotional response in this instance since a measured response requirement was not indicated. The writer has simply not met the proper formatting requirements for the task restatement section. However, the basis for the discussion, the thesis statement, was properly presented and will receive some scoring consideration for the TA +Writer's Opinion scoring section.
It is not useful to the essay to present several reasons when 2 will suffice. These tasks are only 4 paragraphs long unless otherwise specified with a comparative + personal opinion discussion. Do not focus solely on the reasons for the discussion. The weakness of this presentation is found in the way the reasons are presented. There are no supporting examples or personal experiences to further support the presented ideas. Therefore, the explanations are not well developed nor presented, indicating a less than proper C+C writing style.
The writer is focusing too much on word usage, which will be good for his LR score but, since the other aspects of the scoring consideration are faulty, will not result in a full scoring consideration for the paper presented. Learn to express oneself clearly with more concise paragraphs. Even as the writer focuses on word usage, he fails to meet the paragraph presentation requirement of 3-5 sentences for an acceptable academic paragraph. A format that should be repeated throughout the presentation.
This is a directionless letter that does not make the intention of the writer clear. Does the writer wish to complete a secondary undergraduate course? Or perhaps a masters course? Which is it? Which study aspect has motivated the interest in the scholarship? The letter was definitely completed but it does not actually have any sense to it. It is almost as if an AI writing software was used to complete the letter but, because the writer does not really have a good understanding of the English language, he was not able to improve the automated letter that was produced for him. There lies the problem with this letter. Unless the writer actually takes the time to fill in the blanks in terms of the actual academic, personal, and professional motivation, this letter will not serve any purpose in relation to his scholarship application.
The writer must first familiarize himself with the scholarship program and what it entails. Then he must consider how he reflects these requirements and objectives within his overall background. Only when he understand what his true motivation is, and when he can fully explain this to the screening committee, will he have a chance at applying for this scholarship. He must also decide if he will apply for a scholarship under a 2nd undergraduate degree or as a masters student. Then formulate the motivation letter accordingly.
Since the question is just "What you want to be in the future", an opinion statement is not required. There is no need to reference "In my opinion" because that is not was is being asked in the prompt. The current statement misleads the reader into believing that this is an opinion presentation when it is not. It is a mere general idea discussion topic.
It is useless to refer to "I think" in an essay that asks for preciseness in the information presentation. What have you done to make your dream come true? The response should be "To make my dream come true, I have done the following. I have studied..."
Sadly, the writer has not done anything to make the dream come true in reference to becoming a businesswoman. While she has made preparations to become a better person, there is no move done to prove an early exposure to business that would prove the writer is preparing to enter the business world either through formal studies or personal experience.
The writer will do well to remember that a task 2 essay scores the accuracy of the information provided when compared to the original topic presentation. The first discussion version uses a general government reference. Therefore, the writer should not have represented this as a Vietnamese government proposal in the interpretation. This creates a prompt inaccuracy since the topic basis has been altered from the original reference. This is an error that will cause deductions in the TA section in relation to prompt restatement considerations. However, the appropriateness of the comparative response will somewhat offset that deduction. It is a very strong writer's general opinion with thesis statement declaration.
When writing in the English language, there is no need to use both genders in the presentation. The default gender for English writing is always in the male form. Therefore simply stating "he" and its variations thereof will be sufficient enough to get a good GRA score. The current format being used is confusing as it tries to refer to both genders, creating a confusion in the reference presentation.
The reasons presented are sound but lacking in convincing power due to the lack of proper example in reference to the discussion. An example needs to be clearly referenced as a final result of the suggested discussion. Without it, the solid foundation of the explanation does not really exist.
As for the concluding summary, it will also receive lower TA points due to the same reasons previously stated. The focus of the discussion is a general government, not Vietnam. It should always be reflected as such.
While there are a few problems in the presentation, I believe that the other scoring considerations could help this essay achieve a passing TA score but not higher than a low passing mark due to the observed problems with the presentation. This is a good start. The writer shows that he at least has sufficient English comprehension skills and at least an intermediate grasp of the word usage.