FaithfulEnya
Dec 9, 2016
Scholarship / A clear vision tempered with honesty - the inspiration from my late professor [4]
Hi Valerie, I appreciate your thorough introduction of this individual. May I ask whether this is a college application essay? Because the college may want to know more about yourself through the figure you introduce. I see that you make such attempts in the second and third paragraph, but to me either that part should be prolonged to at least half of the essay, or you can merge Dora's qualities and yours together, stating one quality each paragraph, e.g. one for honesty and one for equity, then an additional paragraph explaining why these are essential to her success in Nigeria, and how you are inspired.
I am profoundly inspired by the achievement of Dora Akunyili because i have learnt from her that despite the odds and opposition that one faces in life,a clear vision tempered with honesty and equity especially in a country like Nigeria where i hail from has a great effect in enabling one impact ones environment and society.
I admit this long sentence kind of puzzled me. Perhaps it could be:
Dora's vision for a better(or medically-safe?) Nigeria inspired me, and more inspiring was the honesty and equity she practiced in her continual strive to achieve that vision. Following her steps in propelling structural change, I will also fight the odds and opposition to bring a better future for Nigeria (you can also list in what specific aspects you want to better your country.)
Hi Valerie, I appreciate your thorough introduction of this individual. May I ask whether this is a college application essay? Because the college may want to know more about yourself through the figure you introduce. I see that you make such attempts in the second and third paragraph, but to me either that part should be prolonged to at least half of the essay, or you can merge Dora's qualities and yours together, stating one quality each paragraph, e.g. one for honesty and one for equity, then an additional paragraph explaining why these are essential to her success in Nigeria, and how you are inspired.
I am profoundly inspired by the achievement of Dora Akunyili because i have learnt from her that despite the odds and opposition that one faces in life,a clear vision tempered with honesty and equity especially in a country like Nigeria where i hail from has a great effect in enabling one impact ones environment and society.
I admit this long sentence kind of puzzled me. Perhaps it could be:
Dora's vision for a better(or medically-safe?) Nigeria inspired me, and more inspiring was the honesty and equity she practiced in her continual strive to achieve that vision. Following her steps in propelling structural change, I will also fight the odds and opposition to bring a better future for Nigeria (you can also list in what specific aspects you want to better your country.)
