Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by KW3EN
Joined: Aug 16, 2009
Last Post: Jan 4, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  

From: USA

Displayed posts: 7
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KW3EN   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "Music and sport..." - My common application essay... [17]

I agree with hern255...the list of qualities in the beginning is a bit "blah".. keep in mind that the people reading the essays are reading thousands of essays. Hook them in! Start with a story or something witty. =]

Also, you should focus on either the vollyball or the singing. I think you have more material here to use about singing. That way, you won't have to start near scratch if you rewrite.

Darina --THANKS FOR THE HELP ON MY ESSAY BTW!!
KW3EN   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "cooked pig intestines" - Common App Essay [5]

After years of constant nagging, I finally gave in to my family's relentless pressure to try cooked pig intestines, or chitlins. Their smell, both sickening and overbearing, has always been enough to make me steer clear from them every year. But, honoring a strong tradition, the family continues to make them. After the continuous comments of "C`mon just try it!" and "This sure is delicious, taste it!" from my family, I mustered up some bravery, got a fork and dove into a bowl of my grandma's chitlins. Time seemed to slow down as I brought the chitlin to my face. I noticed the disgusting smell of the preparation of the chitlins lingering around me and realized that soon the stench would be in my mouth. I gulped. Moments seemed to pass as I stared at the small, pale, wrinkled object that reeked. I felt alone, like I was facing an anxious crowd of spectators. Butterflies rushed into my stomach and I felt my palms become sweaty. I was completely unsure about putting it in my mouth, but I decided at that point to just go for it; my family anxiously looked on. I looked back with nervous eyes, and shoved it in my mouth.

I bit down once, then again and as I continued to chew, I fought against my gag reflex as the chitlin "juice" began to squirt, sending streams of the liquid to lightly hit the insides of my cheeks. The texture was indescribable; the chitlin was rubbery and tough but also smooth. Caught up in thinking about the odd texture of the food, I almost forgot the taste until each bud on my tongue stood up to singularly announce protest. The familiar, nauseating smell that I have always known and associated with the New Years was now dancing on my taste buds, and boy was it gross! I had never before in my life tasted anything so repulsive. I quickly spat it out and searched for something to replace the sickening taste. As my family laughed at my disgust, my grandfather said, "It's an acquired taste. You'll get used to it". But I knew that I would never be able to "acquire" that awful taste, because I promised myself that I would never eat chitlins again.

Even though I do not like eating chitlins, they are an integral part of the world that I have come from. They offer a sense of community, which seems to override my reactions to their taste and smell. My family insists on cooking chitlins every New Years, and each time, family members begin to reminisce on their experiences with chitlins in the past. From here, the family takes turns sharing different tales that offer comic relief, and also describe downfalls and successes. This tradition has been a learning experience for me, and I know that in the future, listening to the stories that people share in college will serve the same purpose.

Though it would be difficult and unpleasant to attempt to make chitlins in college, I do look forward to being able to have the same environment that it has created for my family. I see college as an opportunity to learn from the people around me and to discover other backgrounds; a chance for growth towards becoming a compassionate individual. The story describes an instance where I was willing to try something new and take a chance. I have done this often and I have found that I value the growth that stepping outside of my comfort zone has allowed me throughout the past. By utilizing this willingness to try new things, I will be a leader and share my own stories, traditions and experiences with my future college community in order to be able to understand and appreciate the worlds that other people come from. My journey through college and into adulthood will be more fulfilling and successful if I gain knowledge about the communities that people thrive in.
KW3EN   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "the SHCP Women's Tennis team" - UC PERSONAL STATEMENT for undergrads [3]

One experience I am truly proud of is being a part of the SHCP Women's Tennis team.

you dont need that sentence you can start with:

Throughout my 3 years of participation on the SHCP Women's Tennis team...

**remember to show not tell. instead of simply saying that this was one experience that you are truly proud of, show them. Create a vivid picture.
KW3EN   
Sep 26, 2009
Undergraduate / common app: elaborate on one of your activities (a summer job) [4]

Sounds good to me. I am not sure if you're supposed to elaborate on the meaningfulness of the summer job or not. If so, then you might want to work on that a little. Other than that, it looks great! Good Luck!
KW3EN   
Sep 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Never judge anything by its appearance [13]

Pretty good from what I read, sometimes it gets really random. You have to have some transitions, even if they're short. You can cut some of the more repetitive stuff out if you have some transitions. Good Luck!
KW3EN   
Aug 16, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for kids - COMMON APP HOOK (+ESSAY) [4]

Hey, I'm writing my common app essay on my topic of choice--my passion for kids..

Here is the hook..

My grandfather's favorite western shows, my little sister's laughs, and the clinking of pots in the kitchen faded out of my mind as I put on my earphones. I turned the music up and I was let free to float atop the soft beat and wander through the soothing melody. I let negative thoughts flow out of my head as I was tenderly caressed by the rhythm and relaxed by the singer's smooth, rich voice. I cranked the volume higher and I laid my head back as I searched for a gateway to a peaceful state of mind.

I took a deep breath and fell deeper into a state of calm and tranquility, but suddenly my world began to drift away from me. The singers voice seemed to fade in and out of my head as my earphones were tugged away from my ears, pulling me out of my paradise. I opened my eyes to see who was responsible for the collapse of my peaceful mind state. I look down to find a small, round face smiling up at me, pointing at my earphones, which were then crooked and halfway off of my head. As quickly as I had realized what she was asking, I returned the smile and put my earphones on my little cousin.

She stood there in front of me laughing as she jumped around-I mean danced to the song. I began to laugh as she put on a performance for me. When she grew tired of these antics, she went off to find some toys to play with. Her mom, my older cousin, then asked if I could watch her for a while. I gladly agreed and waited as she said goodbye to her daughter.

Her mom approached the door and the gate slammed shut behind her. This marked the beginning of a long day. She watched as her mom got in her car and drove away. Almost instantly, she began to scream and holler in attempt to get her mother back. I rushed to her in attempt to stop her tears. I tried giving her a toy to play with, but she just dropped it and continued bawling. I got her an ice cream and still her fit would not cease. My ears began to throb with annoyance and pain from her shrieking. I attempted to call her mother, but she did not answer. I attempted to calm her once again. I turned on the TV to the silly antics of Spongebob Squarepants. She stopped crying for a moment, and I thought that my work was done. I sat down and breathed a sigh of relief, but then she looked out the window and began to shriek again. In desperation, I scooped her up off the couch next to the window. I calmly told her that nothing would happen to her and that she would be okay. I held her close to me and patted her on the back. All the while, I was swaying her side to side, reassuring her in a soft, calm voice that she was okay. Her crying soon calmed to a quiet sob, and as I rocked back and forth with her in my arms, she fell asleep.

Recently, I have been struggling to find what people keep saying is my "passion in life". My understanding is that I am supposed to have one thing that I love to do. I thought about everything I liked to do: photography, drawing, math, working with computers, but nothing seemed to pop out at me. Nothing screamed "I want to do this everyday, for the rest of my life". At one point of time, people knew me as the aspiring lawyer of the family. Then, I moved on to wanting to be the next best businesswoman. But, just as the dream of being a lawyer faded away, that castle in the sky did too.

I have always been presented with the opportunity to watch little kids. But, I never realized how much I enjoyed the time I spent with them. I have always thrown myself into being their friend and role model. And, as I held my little cousin, and soothed her fears, I realized that I loved doing that. I love being around children, they brighten my day no matter what. I appreciate the challenges that they present me with and I look forward to pursuing this "passion" throughout my life.

How is it so far? Any corrections? How's the idea?
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