Need help for IOWA MBA Application cover letter

Hi ,

I need to prepare a cover letter for IOWA University. Their question is that :

Address a one-page cover letter to the MBA Admissions Director. It should conform to the standards of business correspondence and illuminate resume items that you believe would be of particular interest to the Admissions Committee. NOTE: Do not simply list items that are included in your application materials.

This is what I have written:

Dear Ms Schafer,

This letter expresses my interest in applying for Tippie School of Management's fall 2010 MBA program.

After comprehensive research into your program, I was pleased with your educational approach such as experiential learning and cultural diverse environment in which I can learn much more from professor and students of many nations. I also learned more about Tippie after talking to Sham Prasad, current first year MBA student in your university.

The enclosed resume provides my inclusive and accomplished background including:
- Over four years of experience in Information Technology
- Experience in leading and mentoring
- Extensive experience in Community work and other activities
- Strong Communication and Interpersonal skills
- Strong Technical and analytical Skills

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Should you require additional information, I can be reached at numbers below.

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Also in the essays for the university I have mentioned about my career goals and significant accomplishments professionally. However I have not mentioned about my extensive Community work etc. What else should i add more. I have attended online chat with the current students ,should I add that as well?

Thanks in advance...

The enclosed resume provides my inclusive and accomplished background including:
- Over four years of experience in Information Technology
- Experience in leading and mentoring
- Extensive experience in Community work and other activities
- Strong Communication and Interpersonal skills
- Strong Technical and analytical Skills

You made a list which was exactly what they said not to do in the instructions :), "NOTE: Do not simply list items that are included in your application materials," so I would make your bullets into a paragraph.

"As you will see from the enclosed application, I have an extensive background in information technology with strong technical and analytical skills. Leadership and mentoring have also been a rewarding part of my career thus far, and have fueled my commitment to perfecting interpersonal communication..."

Something like that, see?

Basically, a cover letter is a formal letter summarizing what the recipient is about to discover in your application, resume or CV. Keep it concise, but sell yourself...it is The First Impression.

Fix that first, put it all within a 'formal letter' format, and go from there. I do think you can work your community service into your cover letter, actually, I encourage it!

Again, though, it needs to read like a business letter. Remember that formal letters must have a thesis, body, and conclusion just like an essay...

I hope this helps a little bit.

Blue skies,

Jeannie

Hi Jeannie,

Thanks for providing these inputs :).. I will take note of these and draft the cover letter again!!

-Allen

Oh, good point Jeanie, we are lucky to have you here.

This looks very professional, and people appreciate that, but it is only one side of the process. The other side is being brilliant. I suggest reading some powerful writing, such as Gertrude Stein, Thoreau, Martin Luthor King Jr., or some other powerful writing... and give at least one sentence that is artful an eloquent, maybe even intriguing.

Surprise them with an unexpected observation about the school, for example. I look forward to seeing the next draft!