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Review my Motivation Letter - Must be by Next Sunday HELP

yousratalaat 2 / 3  
Feb 25, 2014   #1
Hi I have 2 essays to admit for my application for the MBA program. My first essay is Motivation Letter and the Second is essay on Extra Circular Activities.. Can Anyone help in reviewing the structure of the essays and their construction !!!

I am writing to express my interest in joining the MBA - International Management Program at XX. My motivation for applying to the program is to study the business administration field at a high-level which would help me fulfill my future plans to expand the family business that I am currently running along with my father and to learn how to make smart decisions. The solid academic curriculum of the program along with its international recognition made me determined to push myself further in order to be able to join the program.

My Bachelor degree in Statistics from Cairo University has given my analytical skills a strong foundation and improved my problem-solving ability. After graduation, my professional career started at XX as a Junior Statistician; responsible for performing statistical and data quality checks for clients in the retail market. Due to my strong determination and the team support that I showed in my first year, I applied for a vacancy in the consumer research department as a Senior Executive. The new position required a greater effort and harder work. The job responsibilities included performing statistical data analysis and also managerial tasks such as supervising both the teams of data entry, coders and interviewers, and handling the financial advisory work of the department through working with my team on achieving the targeted profit of the department. It was successful and the profit exceeded the required target by almost 20 thousand dollars. My work with XX not only strengthened my analytical and quantitative skills, but also strengthened my ability to manage multiple teams efficiently, organize and distribute the work functions in a precise and accurate way and how to communicate the solutions and resolutions in a smooth, concise way.

After a careful thought, I decided to join XX, an advertising agency, a family business that was founded by my father twenty years ago, for two reasons. Firstly, to invest the skills and experience I gained earlier in developing the company and, secondly, to gain a broader understanding of the market and the client management area. In my early days at Focus Group Agency, I decided to create an organized systematic weekly and monthly reporting, in order to organize the work flow, and also organized the employees' hierarchy. While in the client management area, after two years working with the company, I created a strong client relationship and I was able to introduce new clients to the company. Moreover, I worked on finding unique methods of advertising and promoting the clients' products. Some of these ideas required to cross the borders and to cooperate with advertising agencies in countries such as China and Lithuania. My experience with XX was intense and it gave me the chance to develop a variety of professional skills including negotiation and presentation skills and also to develop my sense of creativity and imagination.

Taking my interests and plans into consideration, graduate business school is the next logical step. At this point in my life, I consider the MBA necessary, since I need to gain a broader understanding of business management in order to develop and expand the family business through expanding the advertising services provided by the company especially on the media and online advertisements and also to start manufacturing the tools and supplies for the billboards advertisements. I hope that XX will grant me an opportunity to study at the program and I believe that I am capable of performing well in the program.
montegrappa 3 / 12  
Feb 25, 2014   #2
Hi dear,

Throughout your essay of motivation I can see your career progression and skills learned and use.

My only recommendations for you are:
1. to also specifically include the competitive advantages of the school and particularly the elements that the program provides.
Otherwise, you could simply send this piece of writing to any potential admission team and thus it seems not indicating a high degree of aspiration you are having to this school.

2. to separate your work experience into paragraphs in a chronological sequence
and highlight the achievement (preferably with numerics, figures) if possible.

3. to include not only WHY YOU NEED THIS MBA, but also WHY THE SCHOOL NEED YOU

:) The above are only my humble recommendations
OP yousratalaat 2 / 3  
Feb 25, 2014   #3
I made some modifications as per your advice, actually they require the essay to be one page, that's why It is somehow limited essay.

Yet I added some sentences about why this specific program. Can you please review too my second essay, It is as important as the first one.


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