Dear Mr. President,
First of all congratulations on your position!!!. You must know as well as I do that your position comes with much responsibilities that can overpower some people, that is why not everyone can to be the College President. I am willing to introduce myself first to you, my name is Carl Dewain Jefferson, I am 23 years old and live in Sacramento California. I study Fashion Merchandising at Sierra College in Rocklin California. I know my words may not sound as pleasing as an adult, since I told you my age now you may think I am not been serious. But I face responsibilities too, and I face challenges. That's why I am writing this letter. Another reason I am writing this letter is because I am very interested in your college, I would love to attend there. Only 2 Universities in the state of California that has my major. I will be graduating in spring 2010 with an Associates degree in Fashion merchandising, and if I want to get a real job in this industry I would have to get a Batchers degree. I did research on Salery.com and it stated that 78% of people with batcher's degrees get hired more than Associates degree which is 14%. When I was in high school I was once told by my teacher that "education is the key to success". This means that if I want to succeed in life I must follow that concept. And I've been doing that ever since my father passed away when I was a teen and my mother incarcerated for 10 year in 2001.
My future is held in this college's hands and me getting accepted here will finish my long term goals and I will be among that 78% that will have an opportunity to work in this industry. I m not asking for a hand out. I am just asking for advice or ways of getting accepted or even a scholarship lol. At Sierra College I learned a lot about the fashion industry like: where did it come from, modeling, colors, business issues, costumes, fashion weeks in Paris, New York and Los Angeles, I learned how to sew clothing, make garments, cut different patterns, and I event took business mathematics which I leard about payroll, mark up and mark downs, and other business calculations. Well I want to thank you for reading this and hope I can continue my education there at California State University Of Long Beach GO 49ERS..
PS: I am also in love with politics, I've been in love with it even since the 9/11 I've been wondering what is the deal with how politicians work and how important it is to us when they make important decisions. I worked with Barack Obama's campaign in 2008 in Dallas Texas as a Princinct Captain; my job was to make sure people was registered to vote, phone banking, and bringing in new volunteers. Then I went to Philadelphia to volunteer, also I was doing college outreach and what I was every college and bringing in new people to do canvassing, phone banking and making sure they was registered to vote. I enjoyed it because it was POSITIVE and a lot of people needed my voice to help them choose a good leader and how important it is to vote. Also I had to debate with a few undecided voters but it was fun.
Dear Mr. President,
First of all congratulations on your position. (...)
WAIT. I fixed the 1st half, and realized I should stop fixing it because you haven't put any effort in it. You put "lol" in one of the sentences. You are not chatting with him online, you're writing him a letter. Which means that you should also not write it as a speech. Try improving your grammer and writing simpler and more understandable sentences.
I know I haven't helped a lot, but I gave you the idea of why your essay is bad.
This essay is upbeat and energized. You seem to have a cool personality. I think I understand you about the informal things -- ha ha, Stepha gave you a harsh critique :) But I think it is because you are trying to do a good job of fulfilling this task -- this interesting essay idea. It is cool that you took an informal approach. Cool, but you SHOULD make it a little more formal! :)
I think you will want to cut out some unnecessary sentences... think about it from the perspective of someone who is reading it for the first time. One thing to get rid of is that first sentence; it seems cheesy!
The thing to do is make it so that, by reading this essay, someone will know that you are smart, serious, and inspired.
Sorry I had to delete the original version! It's just to avoid too much of the same content on the thread.