5th grader's Acrostic Poem

I'm posting this for my son at his request. He is in fifth and his assignment was to create an Acrostic Poem to Gold Fever for his Westward Movement project.

G old nuggets were rare.
O ld men looked for gold
L ots of people moved to California
D ust from gold is called gold flakes

F leeing to California
E verybody wanted gold
V ery few people found gold nuggets
E very few people found gold flakes
R are finds were good to the people of the gold rush.

Thanks for any reviews!

Wow. I like it!! =]


The only thing I would say is instead of "were good" maybe he can put "brought light".

It is pretty good for a fifth grader! Don't think I am berating him here. I am just pointing out a couple of different things that he could do to make it stronger. I am not saying that he should rewrite the whole thing, but I think that there are a few things he could jazz up. Right now it is sounding a little like a condensed research paper and less like a poem.

Perhaps he can add a metaphor, simile, hyperbole, or some personification. Has he learned any of these literary trick yet?


This might be a good place to use personification. Maybe something like: Gold whispered their names


This line makes it sound like only old men were involved. Maybe change it to something like: Old and young heard the call.


He mentions California later in the poem. Maybe develop the idea of leaving their lives behind more: Leaving behind their families and homes.


This was the part that sounded most like a report to me. A little too factual and not quite poetic enough. How about something like: Dreaming of golden riches.


Leave these just as they are.


Switch these around. The second line is a little awkward. How about: Very few found gold flakes/ Even fewer claimed gold nuggets.


End with a punch! Rare finds were just that ... rare. The vast majority of people did not come out of the gold rush rich. Come up with a line that summarizes the experience. It could be something like: Ruin more common than riches.

Good luck to him!

Noto's already gone through this pretty thoroughly. A couple of additional comments I'll throw in there, though:

1. Try not to use the word "gold" so much. In fact, it might be interesting to try writing the entire poem without ever mentioning it. After all, the topic is literally spelled out by the acrostic already.

2.


This sounds odd, given that the thrust of the poem is that people were drawn by greed to California. They were not, as far as the poem indicates, "fleeing" anything.

Thank you for all your help! I will take your suggestions and work on this with Andrew.

I'll post again after he makes his revisions.

OK, here is what he turned in. We talked about making it more into a story. I didn't let him read your posts, and I gave him some help when he struggled.

Gold called people's names
Old and young heard the call
Leaving behind their families
Dreaming of discovering gold

Finding their way to California
Every man for himself
Very few people found gold nuggets
Ending the day hot and tired
Resting so they can search tomorrow

I bet his teacher really liked it! How did he feel about the changes? Does he see the improvement? Give yourself a pat on the back for being an involved and caring parent and guiding through the process of seeking help at an early age.

You seem to have ended up with a really good result. Feel free to let us know what comments, if any, the teacher makes on it.

hey thats really good for fifth grade!

I'll let you know what the teacher says when he gets it back.