getitlow 7 / 17 Dec 9, 2008 #1green leaves fall down on the streeta voice drops : slight and gentlethe wind stirred up a scintilla of dust scentgray clouds and hurried bird filled the skypeople, with frowns in their face, wrinkledrushed through the crowded streetthen came the raintears of sky patter down the plain roadHanoi rain, intense and lonesometeardrops sang a gloomy melodynoone to welcome, noone to hear but little onestouched and smelled the eschewed rainstreets are the only homeslittle boys and girls, soaking wetdance the blissful melodiesin the rain...I have just come up with this poem in a rainy day and I want to convey my emotion through it ! How do you think of it ? and would you mind giving me some additional changes if necessary to it ? thanks so much in advance !
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129 Dec 9, 2008 #2This is very surreal, a nice experience comes from reading it. Try the new organization of the last lines, and see if you like it (below). Keep writing, you seem to know how to access that place where good writing comes from.green leaves fall down on the streeta voice drops : slight and gentlethe wind stirred up a scintilla of dust scentgray clouds and hurried bird filled the skypeople, with frowns in their face, wrinkledrushed through the crowded streetthen came the raintears of sky patter down the plain roadHanoi rain, intense and lonesometeardrops sang a gloomy melodyno one to welcome, no one to hear but little onestouched and smelled the eschewed rainstreets are the only homeslittle boys and girls,soaking wetdance the blissful melodies in the rain