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So Mean (toward the softest rose...)


Zahra ahmad 2 / 8 2  
Sep 25, 2015   #1
I am the goldest sunshine you will feel.
Which can go through you easily.

I am the softest rose you will touch.
Never will you see a thorn on me.

I am the calmest storm you will face.
But you can never go out from me.

I am the darest river you will ride.
O! certainly we are going to have a fight.

I am the brightest star above.
But of course you can't reach the sky.

I am the wish you can't have.
I am the one who will leave you behind.

If you were so mean to me.
Anna Smith - / 2  
Sep 25, 2015   #2
I really like the strategy of parallelism you used in this poem, but I think there are some words and phrases that could be changed to make it more effective.

Let's start at the beginning. I like the first line, but I don't really understand the second line. If you were trying to construct it like your other lines, maybe you can consider using a word like "pierce" in order to show the hostility that you are trying to.

I really like the second stanza, but you may want to consider changing "see" to "feel" in order to maintain consistency with the sense that you are describing.

In the third stanza, the first line is interesting in that it is keeping up with the theme of paradox that you have in the rest of the poem. However, second line sounds a bit awkward. Instead of the phrase "go out," a phrase such as "escape" may make more sense and flow more effectively.

The fourth stanza does not seem to make a lot of sense to me. "Darest" is not a word, and an adjective such as "raging" would make more sense. I also don't understand why you conclude that there is going to be a fight. To me, it also makes little sense to describe yourself as a raging river when you consistently describe yourself as gentle in the rest of the poem prior to this. It seems like this stanza is meant to be the poem's turning point, but it could be much more effective if it were worded differently.

The next two stanzas are very good and are a nice shift from the beginning of the poem. However, the last line could be worded better. It is in the past tense when the rest of the poem is in the present and future tense. Changing the line to "if you are so mean to me" would allow for more consistency. Overall, I really enjoyed the concept of your poem!
OP Zahra ahmad 2 / 8 2  
Oct 28, 2015   #3
Dear Anna,
Greetings!
Thank you so much for your helpful and informative comment. I so much appreciate.
English is my second language and I'm trying to improve it.
I fixed the poem according to your criticisms.

I am the goldest sunshine you will feel.
Which can pierce you easily.

I am the softest rose you will touch.
Never will you feel a thorn on me.

I am the calmest storm you will face.
But you can never escape from me.

I am the most raging river you will ride.
O! certainly we are going to have a fight.

I am the brightest star above.
But of course you can't reach the sky.

I am the wish you can't have.
I am the one who will leave you behind.

If you are so mean to me.

Thanks again :) !


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