The Wounded Soul
A man in sea of wrath
Unsheathed sword, sink in a passing tree
Hurt and scarred, she silenced
...
Sea calms ... sun shines
Sword sheathed, she asks him
Why do you still hurt me?
God bless Freud. I'd alter the grammar a bit:
A man in sea of wrath
Unsheathed sword, sinking in a passing tree
Hurt and scarred, she falls silent .
...
Sea calms ... sun shines
Sword sheathed, she asks him
Why do you still hurt me?
I see what you are trying to do here... I think. Like you, I really like terse, condensed poetry. But it's possible to be too cryptic, which I think you are here.
Thanks Simone for your review.
I think terseness is part of the beauty of poetry. Personally I prefer poetries that require deciphering rather than simple open book ones. Beside compares to classical form such as haiku; I think mine is still much easier to understand.
During a blind rage we often accidently hurt other people's heart or feeling with our words or attitudes. We may not aware of this, but for them although they never actually express their pain to us; sometimes the pain still linger long after our rage had been subsided. So, be careful with what you say or do. Blind rage is not good especially if it end up hurting our own love ones. This is what I am trying to say in this poetry.
This is what I am trying to say in this poetry.
That didn't quite come through for me. I tend to write quite terse poetry myself and find it useful to get feedback from a number of readers to give me a sense of what the different reactions to my symbolism (etc) will be.
For example, Sean's comment about Freud indicates that he responded to the sword metaphor in the context of a he-she relationship by seeing the common metaphor of phallus as weapon.
I was aware of that but it wasn't dominant for me. For me, the angry man/hurt woman theme evoked ideas about domestic violence.
You have to be aware when using symbols of the preexisting connotations the images you use may have. For instance, you don't have to be a Freudian psychologist, or even think much of the psychoanalytic literary perspective, to see the potential for a Freudian reading of a poem in which a man uses his unsheathed sword to hurt and scar a woman. This isn't necessarily a weakness in your poem -- indeed, most symbols have multiple interpretations, and weaving them together cleverly can make for some complex and challenging poetry. But, you do need to be aware of your chosen symbols' more obvious meanings, and make sure that you mean, or at least don't mind, the readings they give rise to.
revisions:
sink to sank
she silenced to silence remains
Point 1:
Uncontrolled words or actions can be as sharp as a sword piercing to one's flesh and heart. It produces the same pain, even perhaps more.
Point 2:
Tree is a source of life. It gives nourishment, protection, up to simple shades from the sun. But it never claims for anything in return to those who ask its help or service. From this point of view tree is more feminine than masculine in nature.
Point 3:
Generally speaking, emotional intelligence of female is higher than male. It is easier for a woman to realize that she has hurt somebody's feeling by her word or action. A man in other hand usually finds it more difficult to understand or express his own emotions, more again other's. So it is more common for a man to unwillingly hurt other people's feeling than a woman.
Point 4:
The reaction of a man and woman when being emotionally hurt is different. A man would charge openly. But a woman would not. She will hide her pain; even sometimes try to protect her assailant from public judgment. This often takes place in domestic abuses. A drunken man beating his wife unwillingly would simply forget his action after he sobers up. But her fear and pain will always lingers.
Point 5:
What makes a cryptic poetry interesting is the fact that everyone can read it and has different interpretation of it. But most of these interpretations are right in their own respect. There is a universality in cryptic poetry. Through that universality it can touch more people in different kind of situation. A cryptic poetry is a like a tree. All its branches are most the different interpretations; but all of them lead back to the root. Direct clarity is the bigger picture here; however for individual observers the indirect ones are just as important.
What makes a cryptic poetry interesting is the fact that everyone can read it and has different interpretation of it.
Right, and as the poet, one must live with the possibility that readers might take away from the poem very different messages than the writer intended. That's why I think it's best, if one writes that sort of verse, to get at least a few reactions from different people, in order to get a sense of the range of what people other than oneself are going to take away from the poem.