Essay 1: In an original essay of no more than 600 words, please describe your academic interests and explain how you see these interests shaping your future.
-----Note: I've only finished my introductory paragraph, but I currently want to know if I have bunched way too many information on my introductory paragraph. I know what the rest of my content would be but I don't want to give too much out of the introduction.
Youth and Government has taught me much
As a child, the thought of the perfect dream job goes back to which profession would be able to pay decently. When I was in the seventh grade, I've decided I wanted to focus on engineering in college because I was quite proficient in math, but that changed in the eighth grade to wanting to pursue a degree in business administration because when I was young, I believed that money was everything and a symbol of success in life. I was wrong. During my sophomore year in high school, my social studies teacher started a club called Youth and Government. I was hesitant to join, but now, I'm glad I did. Youth and Government (YAG) has taught me that changing the lives of others is important than accumulating wealth for yourself. In Hawaii, YAG was only available to Oahu schools, and we were the first delegation from the island of Hawaii. Coming from a rural and isolated district of Ka'u, I was heard and I was able to speak up for the youth of Ka'u for the issues that matter. Having my voice heard was my success. At that moment, that was when I decided that I wanted to pursue a degree in political science.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15460 Hi Rowlie, actually, the introduction that you wrote has a case of TMI or too much information. The best way to approach the opening statement would be, in my opinion, to present the way that you were enticed into the YAG instead. The reason that I believe you should focus on the YAG from the very beginning is because your membership in the organization is the very thing that fed your interest in your current major. As such, it perfectly illustrates how this academic interest has helped to shape your future. Make sure that you include a reference to the social sciences and government classes that you took in school as well in order to adhere to the academic interest part of the essay. As of this moment, you are presenting an extra curricular activity. You have to make it relevant to the response by offering a connection to your academic studies as well. I apologize if I spoke too much, I just want to make sure that your succeeding paragraphs won't miss out on any important information.
@rowliejohnflores
From your introduction , i felt lost a little, i didn't know what are your targets,
i know that you want to prove to reviewers that you are so flexible, but this is a thin line between being flexible and being distracted.
I think this will affect their impression about you.
this is my opinion.
I revised it. Please help me.
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When I was a sophomore in high school, my social studies teacher started a club called Youth and Government. Although I was hesitant to join, looking back at it, I was glad that I did. I've realized how the program has made a better person because I was able to be exposed to different issues that matter to us and present my own written bill to fellow teens that also have one thing in mind: to promote change. Coming from a rural district in Hawaii, Youth and Government became a way for me to have my voice heard and propose changes that we want for our society. Participating in this program was the spark that helped me decide that I wanted to pursue political science. It helped me understand that being able to help others is more satisfying than accumulating wealth for yourself.
Throughout my high school years, I've taken many social studies courses that pushed my interests into political science. To give a few examples, world history has taught me the patriarchal system of the world and how it still occurs up to this day; and the Modern Hawaiian History and American Problems courses have taught me about the marginalization of people of color in our society. To be able to learn about these issues that exist in our society today made me want to be someone who has a voice in our government in order to speak up against these issues. For that reason, if able to receive a degree in political science, I would like to run for state Senate here in the state of Hawaii.
Growing up financially challenged, I can easily relate to the challenges that accompany poverty. If it wasn't for my father deciding to work abroad in Hawaii, my family would be in poverty in Manila, so migrating here became an ultimate decision my family had to make when I was 8. I was fortunate enough to have been given a chance to have a second life here in Hawaii. However, I do not regret any past experiences nor do I wish it hadn't happened. My past experiences became my motivation to strive higher and to help others. If given a chance to become a senator, poverty and high cost of living are issues I want to address because I know how difficult life is under those conditions.
Having this passion and interest in political science, I want to be the male-replica of Senator Mazie Hirono. We are both immigrants, but that didn't stop us from wanting to help others. I admire Mazie Hirono because she is the only Asian American in Senate and I also want to add to this diversity in the future. In conclusion, I see many issues out there that I believe needs to be addressed, and I want to contribute to that solution. I believe that this degree will push me not just on my interests but as well as an individual. By helping others, I am also able to learn about myself as a person, and that's probably another good thing about this degree.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15460 Oops! You were going great there for a moment then you totally went rogue with your discussion. You went from academic (class subjects and the organization your teacher set up) , to totally extra curricular and unrelated with the discussion of wanting to run for state senate and admiring a senator from Hawaii. Those are definitely information not required by the prompt. If you wish though, you can further discuss how your being a migrant relates to the academic interests and how that history has helped shaped the person you are today. Basically the discussion would represent your academic side, in relation to a personal side, that combines to create the interests that shaped your future, So the revision should show only 2 things, your academic enlightenment and its relation to your being a migrant. I hope you can revise the essay to reflect that.
