My advantage of smooth communication and collaboration. Chevening Leadership & Influence Question

Hello. Nice to meet you. I am from South Korea.
Actually, I'm not good at English. But I want to study in the UK.
So, I am preparing a series of process to enter the postgraduate course in the UK.
And, due to the financial situation of me, I want to challenge scholarship program of Chevening.
I ask you to review my essay.
Thank you.

(minimum word count:50 words, maximum word count 500 words)

My perception of leadership

[My essay]

At first, in my opinion, the leadership that many people pursue in the present age is smooth communication and collaboration. One of the reasons is that unlike the past when genius like Einstein was able to do everything by himself, it is impossible to do all things alone, no matter how superior individuals are in today 's sophisticated society.

I am a governmnet officer and I am working at the central ministry. The main task of central government officials like me is to establish various policies, and it is very important to communicate and collaborate with various stakeholders in order to establish a policy.

In my case, I am still in charge of supporting my supervisors, so my duty is mainly collecting and organizing data to formulate policies, and organizing and submitting data required by the National Assembly or other organizations. By the way, I use the data that I already have, but in most cases I need to submit the data from the subordinate institution (for example, National Research Institute) that belongs to my department.

In a series of the processes, most government officers do not consider the personal circumstances of their subordinate staff, but they are required to submit materials within a short time without specific guidelines. However, in my case, I clearly explain the scope and format of the required data, and confirm the date of submission first. It is also always receptive to providing a more reasonable opinion on the scope and format of the data required by the subordinate staff. Finally, I will contact the original data requestor to explain our situation and adjust the scope of the data and the schedule for submission.

This increases the efficiency of the work and improves the accuracy of the data, and reduces the likelihood of reprocessing things. In addition, I think this type of work process is likely to increase the bond with subordinate staff, and in times of urgency (for example, nuclear power plant malfunction), the staff would cooperate without complaint. In addition, I was evaluated by the subordinate agency staff who worked with me, although it was subjective evaluation, to be able to work more effectively than ever due to my work style. I think this is the result of smooth communication and collaboration.

I have worked in my organization for about 8 years now. Over the next 20 years, I will work as a government official, and as time goes on, I will play an important role in policy making. I am confident that my advantage of smooth communication and collaboration will help me establish and implement national policies.

Taekeun, the leadership essay of a Chevening application is one of the most important essays related to the application that you will be writing. It must contain clear leadership abilities, honed over time, involves meaningful / insightful leadership opportunities, and truly displays the ability of a person to take charge of a difficult situation, investigate the problem, develop a solution, and delegate the problem solving tasks successfully. You are not being asked to define what leadership means to you. The essay is meant to have you define what leadership means to you based upon your ability to resolve a serious situation. The theme that should be reflected in your essay is "leadership by example."

That said, the presentation of your essay is too light. It does not portray you in a leadership position. You clearly are a very good subordinate. You know how to follow orders and accomplish tasks. However, being a good subordinate does not mean you will make for a very good leader. Therefore, you need to find an experience in your past, or within an extra curricular activity where you were truly able to take up the leadership mantle, handle your team members, and see a project through to its realization.

It seems like you might be able to use the information in this essay, if you will be able to better reflect your leadership role by mentioning that while you are a subordinate in your agency, you also perform lower level leadership skills through the coordination of information and create a more serious representation of your role, you might be able to use some parts of this essay in relation to your job description, to complete the essay requirements.

The way that you handle your team members will be critical in the leadership presentation because that will be the point in the essay where you will reflect your ability to influence people and gather your team members who have opposing ideas and have them work in a united manner. None of these elements that I mentioned exist in this current presentation.

Your current presentation is more of a personal statement instead of a leadership essay. So , in my opinion, you will need to set this particular essay aside for future use and write a new essay that better reflects the requirements of the scholarship grant. That is, if you have some better representation of your leadership abilities other than what you have in this essay. I have explained to you how to properly develop a response. You just have to make sure to write an essay that reflects the suggestions.

Taekeun, you should be aware that all scholarships are very competitive especially those that have broad range of applicants like Chevening Scholarship Scheme. This means that the reviewers are faced with hundreds of thousands of applications world wide to review. Good a thing, Chevening is a little bit regional in terms of their application policy. I don't mean to scare you but I really want you to know the secret behind the need to develop a specific leadership experience, as pointed in the previous discussions, rather than listing them as in a resume.

Your essay is more captivating when it tells a story than when it appears as a piece of information in a newsletter. You can only be able to develop an interesting story if focus on one stunning leadership experience you have had in the past. A story developed around how you saw a need or problem, analyzed the problem, proffered solution, negotiated the implementation of the solution, the challenges involved, how you surmounted the challenge, and if possible, the life lesson(s) the whole scenario taught you is the real gist that would make your application to stand out. By the time you tactically develop paragraphs that discussion these points, and connect them accurately and coherently to have fluidity in a rather passionate manner, your essay will engage even a very tired reviewer to keep wanting to know what happened next until the conclusion of the essay.

So, you have to revise your draft and let's see what you've got. You really have good paragraph developing skill and I like the fact that you seem to have a good foundation in English Language. That's great!

You should leverage on that skill and let us build a strong and competitive essay.

Good evening (your time) as well Taekun. You have outdone yourself with this essay. You actually managed to zero in on the best possible way to present your leadership and influencing ability to the reviewer. Excellent work! That said, you still have a problem with the first paragraph that needs to be fixed. I will be suggesting a change in the presentation of the paragraph so that your intentions are clearer and more professional sounding to the reviewer. I think, it will be best if I simply revise that opening statement for you. Here is how I feel you should present that statement:

As a government leader in my country, I strive to communicate and collaborate with my colleagues, community based leaders, and government officers. In the 8 years that I have worked in the government, I have managed to use my leadership and influencing skills for the betterment of the college student residence community in my area. In the process, I have also learned how to become an effective leader through the establishment and implementation of government policies throughout the state.

In my capacity as a (mention the position you worked in) at the Ministry of Education, my duty was to ...

Please note the slight changes I made to the second paragraph as well. These changes are necessary to create a more impressive opening statement and enticing second paragraph. I hope you consider my recommendation. You can use the version I made or, you can make your own based on my suggestion. Either way, I am sure that these parts of your essay will definitely improve.

We do not need to touch the other parts of the essay grammar because this is a preliminary interview so the reviewer needs to get an idea of how you think and possibly, speak in English. So your original work should remain intact as much as possible.

@Holt
Thanks to you, I think I was able to write an improved essay.

Then, I think you are an AI system.^^
How can you answer quickly?
Just kidding.

Due to you, I am goint to being on second essay.

Hi Taekun, I am glad that I was able to help you with your essay. I hope and look forward to assisting you with the remaining 2 essays as well. I hope you can post your second essay soon. In answer to your question, I am not an A.I. system. I am a real life, flesh and blood person who just enjoys helping students here at the forum. You know how gadgets are these days right? We are constantly connected to the internet. That is why I can help you as soon as I can. While I may not always be at the computer, I am always notified when someone needs my help. I help as soon as I get a pocket of time to do so. After all, these applications are time sensitive. So it is best if you can get the best possible advice for its improvement as soon as you can. I hope to continue doing that for you with your succeeding essays too.