Hello everyone! This is the first draft I made for a bio essay for Questbridge. I'm not really experiencd with writing and I aim to improve, so any feedback, no matter how harsh, is well received!
We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations, and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors helped you to grow? (800-word limit).
I decided to keep going
"One does not know what he has until he has lost it", I've heard that phrase many times in my life. I listened to it and thought about it, but never gave it enough attention. That's when BAM! life comes and slaps your face real hard, expecting you to fall off. And then you have to stand, and keep going. 2018 was a before and after in my life. Many things happened one after another that kept me reflecting on me, especially thinking about what is really essential in my life.
I was born in Puerto Ordaz, Venezuela. I lived with my parents; my dad who worked as an engineer, and my mom who was at home. There also were my brothers (they are technically half-brothers, but I'll always call them my brothers), who were much older than me. I loved math from a young age, it first seemed just an easy subject for which I didn't need to study for, but after entering in Math Olympiads I realized that it can be quite fun. Also, I liked competing against other people, so it was perfect for me and became kind of a tradition for each year.
Years later things happen politically and economically. My mom starts working again because we need more money and my parents start saving in dollars. But things were doing generally good. I had them, I had my friends, liked school, did math things and started to love science -9th grade was a whole new experience.
But then 2018 happened. During that year, my mom receives a stomach surgery in order to solve a condition that was getting worse over time (sleep apnea). Unfortunately, she was victim of a medical malpractice, and gets infected. Suddenly, my dad went and took my mom to many hospitals. When my dad came back, his voice was devoid of any emotion, as if he had no more sadness to give. He was not sleeping. He was describing to me the condition of my mom. I honestly didn't know how to react; I had never before considered that I could lose her, at least not at that age. He was against me seeing my mom; he didn't want me to look at her at that condition. Then he gave me money and left to take care of my mom. For countless weeks, I was alone at home, taking full care of myself for the first time ever in my life at the age of 16, wondering what could happen. School became a place in which I tried to forget what was happening in my life. My dad took my mom to Caracas in order to receive emergency surgery. Months later, in September, I would see them again. I almost never cry in real situations, but I cried back then.
I decided one thing after everything: I would work the hardest for my family. My dad later told me that we spent all the money and we didn't have how to live. So then, the routine started. Each Sunday, we would wake up and go sell our things in something called Perolero, which is basically a street market in a parking lot, to raise money to live and possibly, leave the country. I would weeks later see my room, empty except for my bed, my clothes, school supplies and a few tech things (laptop, phone, etc). I learned how few things I do really need in life and decided to keep an austere life.
Then, at the end of September, my parents picked me up at school together- something strange. Their faces were anxious. My dad was threatened by someone of his company and could be killed. We had to leave. In one day, I lost my home, my friends. I learned how much I value them, and I don't even know if I'll be able to see them again. And after we lived two months with my grandmother, we decided to leave Venezuela and come to the United States, where my brother was living.
We were all struggling, but decided to work together for life. As fast as I got off the plane, I worked in a restaurant even though I was not a resident to help the family. I entered school and decided that if my future is going to be here, I'll have to work harder than ever for it; even if I have everything against me (course rigor does not translate well between countries, does it?). Do hard classes? Bring it on. Studying for exams in no time available? Yeah. Take care of my mom in the meantime? Sure. Keep a smile? Of. Course. What else do I do, when the only other option is to give up? I decided long time ago to keep going.@LouisTheLuis
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. I hope that you find this feedback to be helpful. Should you have any more inquiries, don't hesitate to approach and message us.
First and foremost, the first paragraph is quite put-together. I find that this establishes a decent tone for throughout your writing. I would recommend that you try to, however, simplify your sentences here in order to cultivate a more sensible and dynamic approach to writing. The second paragraph, while decently put-together and provided the necessary feedback on writing, lacks a more substantive written approach. Try to add more of what is necessary and omit what is unnecessary to have a more put-together essay.
The third paragraph should also be merged with the first two as it appears quite messy as it is now.
The last paragraph was quite fascinating. You were able to have an enhanced approach towards explaining the situation in full context.
