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My character and life event - scholarship character essay



queensuri 3 / 8  
Mar 16, 2010   #1
Character is defined- "the combination of properties & qualities that distinguishes one person or thing from another". Describe my character and how it was shaped by one specific event in my life. Please limit to 250 words.

does my essay below fit the criteria

"It's snowing!" came an exclamation during recess. My fourth grade classmates and I raced to the window of our fifth floor classroom. It was snowing in September. Little white flecks were floating to the ground. Looking at the sky, I noticed that there were no clouds overhead and in the distance there was a large black and grey mass in the distance. As we watched, the flecks grew larger. Then one landed on the deep, cement window ledge and I saw that it was a piece of paper with writing on it, the edges smoldering until all that was left was ash.

The Twin Towers had fallen. We were sent home early that day. A bleak rain of papers continued their melancholy descent throughout the afternoon. The front of our house was littered with office memoranda - little reminders of the havoc left behind and the lives lost that day.

As a fourth grader, this earth shattering event made me realize that life is fragile - it can literally go up in smoke in a moment. In hindsight, I see how this revelation gave me direction in life. It gave me the drive to do well in school and compelled me to take my future into my own hands. It made me realize the world has so much to offer, but if I want it I have to reach out for it.

Dav1d 1 / 2  
Mar 16, 2010   #2
try refining your grammar, i see a lot of comma splices, you should try fixing that
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Mar 17, 2010   #3
i see a lot of comma splices, you should try fixing that

Where do you see a comma splice? I don't see it.

The sentence structure is very good in this essay, but the premise seems simplistic and not well-explained. For example:
In hindsight, I see how this revelation gave me direction in life. It gave me the drive to do well in school and compelled me to take my future into my own hands.----- this whole idea that the tragedy made you realize you have to work for what you want... it doesn't make sense unless you mention something about the brevity of life or the consequential nature of our actions.

The essay is also too vague; can you add some sentences to show what your career plans are, (even if you might change them).

:-)
bilibolobala 1 / 4  
Mar 17, 2010   #4
Hi friend,

I think you should focus less on describing the even, trim the unnecessary stuffs (even though they sound nice), and develop a little bit more reflection.

Language-wise, here are some of my suggestions:
all that was left was ash -> all that left was ash
it can literally go up in smoke in a moment -> I think this is too informal
direction in life -> a direction in life

That's all. Hope this helps and all the best to your application. =)
OP queensuri 3 / 8  
Mar 17, 2010   #5
how about

In hindsight, I see how this revelation gave me direction in life. It gave me the drive to do well in school and compelled me to take my future into my own hands. Ultimatly, I realized that I can't just coast through life, letting it take me where it may; I have to an aim and ambition.

if i just add the above sentence i'm already 4 word over the maximum 250.

also how do i segue into my career plans smoothly and what can i delete so i can add this aspect in without ruining the effect. also does adding in career plans fit with the requirements of the essay.
theonejosue 2 / 5  
Mar 17, 2010   #6
Looking at the sky, I noticed that there were no clouds overhead and in the distance there was a large black and grey mass in the distance.

I would rewrite that by saying:

"Looking at the sky, I noticed that no clouds were overhead, only a large grey mass in the distance."

Something like that.
georgexu316 3 / 6  
Mar 17, 2010   #7
Just a general comment though. Try not to make it too "sensational". Colleges want to see the current YOU, not a distant and surreal experience you "made" up
OP queensuri 3 / 8  
Mar 18, 2010   #8
thanks for the tip


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