I would greatly appreciate it if someone could proofread,revision, or give me pointers for my essay to Purdue University
Prompt: Describe how a Purdue education will help you achieve your personal and/or professional goals.
My Essay:
Nowadays, if you expect to fulfill your professional goals, the basis for achieving them is attending a great university. Once you achieve your professional goals, it is much easier to fulfill your personal goals, so they are actually incorporated within each other in a sense. I believe a Purdue University education will help me accomplish these goals; this is why Purdue University is the college that I want to go to the most once I graduate. There are plenty of other reasons why I would love to receive a Purdue education, but the two main reasons are also synonymous with how Purdue will help me achieve my personal and professional goals. They are Purdue's Music and Engineering program.
One of my main reasons why I want to go to Purdue is to participate in your prestigious music program. Before I fully explain why, here's a little background first. I am primarily a Jazz trumpet player, and I'm pretty good by the way (not to sound egotistical though). I was able to make the top Jazz Ensemble in the Illinois Music Educators Association, and also the Concert Band in the Classical Ensemble. In my college search I naturally wanted to pick a great school academically. In addition to that I wanted to pick a school with an excellent music program and jazz band. I actually heard of Purdue's music program a few times but I never really acknowledged it until last year when my school's jazz band participated in Purdue's Annual Jazz Festival. So my school participated, although we didn't win I won an outstanding soloist award. After the award ceremony, Purdue's jazz ensemble played, I didn't know what to expect at first, but when they started playing I know that I had to be a part of this great ensemble. Also, I assumed that with such a great jazz band their music program must be equally excellent to produce such great musicians. And after some research I came to find out that I was correct in assuming that. Becoming an excellent musician is both a personal and professional goal of mine, so that is why it is so important me to accomplish that goal, and attending Purdue University and getting a Purdue education will without a doubt help me achieve these goals.
The second of my two main reasons that set Purdue apart from all of the other schools that I was considering is Purdue's excellent academics and critically acclaimed engineering program. As I mentioned earlier, in my college search above all I wanted to pick a great school academically. Purdue is one of the best public universities in the US, so it was automatically on my list. But what made me definitely consider Purdue to help me achieve my personal and professional goals was its excellent engineering program. I always knew that Purdue had a great engineering program, but I had no idea that it was ranked 8th in the US. Also Purdue is one of the only schools that I'm considering that offers an Aerospace Engineering major. And what is a better place to obtain my degree in Aerospace Engineering then the place where Neil Armstrong got his? Getting an Aerospace Engineering degree from Purdue University will help me achieve an important professional goal of mine, which is to eventually work for NASA. And as we know they only choose the best, and to be the best I will need a Purdue education to help me achieve these personal and professional goals of mine.
Prompt: Describe how a Purdue education will help you achieve your personal and/or professional goals.
My Essay:
Nowadays, if you expect to fulfill your professional goals, the basis for achieving them is attending a great university. Once you achieve your professional goals, it is much easier to fulfill your personal goals, so they are actually incorporated within each other in a sense. I believe a Purdue University education will help me accomplish these goals; this is why Purdue University is the college that I want to go to the most once I graduate. There are plenty of other reasons why I would love to receive a Purdue education, but the two main reasons are also synonymous with how Purdue will help me achieve my personal and professional goals. They are Purdue's Music and Engineering program.
One of my main reasons why I want to go to Purdue is to participate in your prestigious music program. Before I fully explain why, here's a little background first. I am primarily a Jazz trumpet player, and I'm pretty good by the way (not to sound egotistical though). I was able to make the top Jazz Ensemble in the Illinois Music Educators Association, and also the Concert Band in the Classical Ensemble. In my college search I naturally wanted to pick a great school academically. In addition to that I wanted to pick a school with an excellent music program and jazz band. I actually heard of Purdue's music program a few times but I never really acknowledged it until last year when my school's jazz band participated in Purdue's Annual Jazz Festival. So my school participated, although we didn't win I won an outstanding soloist award. After the award ceremony, Purdue's jazz ensemble played, I didn't know what to expect at first, but when they started playing I know that I had to be a part of this great ensemble. Also, I assumed that with such a great jazz band their music program must be equally excellent to produce such great musicians. And after some research I came to find out that I was correct in assuming that. Becoming an excellent musician is both a personal and professional goal of mine, so that is why it is so important me to accomplish that goal, and attending Purdue University and getting a Purdue education will without a doubt help me achieve these goals.
The second of my two main reasons that set Purdue apart from all of the other schools that I was considering is Purdue's excellent academics and critically acclaimed engineering program. As I mentioned earlier, in my college search above all I wanted to pick a great school academically. Purdue is one of the best public universities in the US, so it was automatically on my list. But what made me definitely consider Purdue to help me achieve my personal and professional goals was its excellent engineering program. I always knew that Purdue had a great engineering program, but I had no idea that it was ranked 8th in the US. Also Purdue is one of the only schools that I'm considering that offers an Aerospace Engineering major. And what is a better place to obtain my degree in Aerospace Engineering then the place where Neil Armstrong got his? Getting an Aerospace Engineering degree from Purdue University will help me achieve an important professional goal of mine, which is to eventually work for NASA. And as we know they only choose the best, and to be the best I will need a Purdue education to help me achieve these personal and professional goals of mine.
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