I feel that I deserve this scholarship because I'm a very hardworking, self motivated, disciplined person who takes given responsibilities and duties seriously. Also because of my academic achievements and the activities that I have been involved in which have taught me to lend a helping hand to my community.
I have been involved with the Young African Leaders (YALI) since 2012. The organization helped me to excel in my leadership roles and duties as a high perfect and chairperson of the Scripture Union Club. It has also helped me to develop good leadership skills.
I was a participant in the English Access Micro scholarship program. May I also notify that I am very active in community work frequently volunteering my time.
Due to my mother's recent death to cancer, I have joined the Cancer society of Zambia. My main aim for joining the club is to raise cancer awareness in my community.
In conclusion, I deserve the scholarship because of my academic achievements, community work, and dedication. This I believe constitutes to the fulcrum of being a good student.
Dear Dennis,
Welcome to Essay Forum. It is a pleasure to be working with you today.
Please see my comments below:
Although I admire the several things you have done and been involved in, I didn't get to know you as a person. Your essay to me sounds: I did this, I did that, and therefore, I deserve it.
When writing a scholarship essay, think about how many students are applying. Does your essay stand out from the rest? What makes you deserving of this scholarship? Why should you get it and not others?
Instead of writing all of your accomplishments, I would rather focus on a thing or two that you discussed in your essay. For example, your involvement in the YALI. How did the organization help you to excel in leadership skills? Tell us in a sentence or two of how your involvement impacted someone. Remember, the scholarship committee wants to get to know you as a person. You need to have a voice; you are a human too. What about the CSZ? How have you contributed to the society and what have been some of the accomplishments?
Overall, your essay is Ok. But I think it needs a more human tone, rather than claiming things you have done in a list. Please re-draft the essay and ask yourself the questions above. Why should you get it and not the guy/girl next door?
I hope this helps you with the next draft.
Regards,
Juan Rubio
Here's my correction;
I have been involved with the Young African Leaders Initiative (YALI) since 2012. YALI has provides me with virtual resources and skills that have helped me to foster change in my community. The skills YALI impacted in me have helped me to excel in my leadership roles as school perfect and chairperson of the Scripture Union Club. I too in turn impacted the skills I acquired from YALI into others.
Due to my mother's recent death to cancer, I have joined the Cancer Society of Zambia. I have contributed to the society by raising cancer awereness in my community and by donating my blood to cancer patients. I strongly believe that cancer can be defeated through raising awareness and encouraging early screening in women.
Hi Dennis,
This essay was definitely an improvement, however, here are some questions that you may need to answer:
... foster change in my community ... What kind of change have you forstered in the community? .
... skills I acquired from YALI into others. ... How did you impact others? Show us, don't tell us.
I live how you mentioned that you want to raise cancer awareness. This showed the human side of you.
I would like you to re-draft your essay once more. Look at the question above. Good writing has detail and shows the reader. It doesn't tell. Also, make sure you have at least one introductory and concluding sentence.
Let me know if you need further help.
Juan Rubio
Hello Dennis, it is a pleasure to read your essays. I agree with Juan's comment that a good writing shows the reader and it should be detail. I know that the words limit is an obstacle for us to express our ideas but do not forget one of the rules of thumbs previously mentioned, the DETAIL.
You can brainstorm several ideas/keywords (detail) that show us your strength, and of course, it should sync with your experience. Furthermore, you can modify one or two sentences by adding the keyword that you already considered. But again, the words limit may constrain us, so be careful to think what ideas that you would like to add.
I am sure that you can make it, Dennis. Stay positive and keep writing!
Best regards.
Thank so much, I will work on my essay
Hi Dennis, below are suggestions that will hopefully enhance your essay.
- I feel that Ibelieve I deserve this scholarship
- because I'm a very hardworking, self motivated,possess the drive, the determination and a
- disciplined person who takesaccepts given responsibilities and duties seriously.
- Also because ofCoupled with my academic
- inwith,
- which have taught meI learned to lend a
- I have been involvedam an active advocate ofwith
- I was a participantparticipated in the English
- program,. May I also notify that I am very activeas well as an active member
- in community work and frequently volunteering my time.
- Due to my mother's recent deathpassing to cancer,
- My main aim forin joining
- because of my academic achievements, community work, and dedication is far beyond the boundaries of aspiring excellent education . This I believe constitutes to the fulcrum of being a gooda deserving student.
There you ave it Dennis, my goal before I did the revision is to show you the possibilities of your essay when it is further revised.
I hope I was able to impart this goal and do let us know should you need further assistance.
Dear Dennis,
your essay seemed genuinely straight forward. You talked about your achievements in a very accurate way, although, I didn't get to know you as a person through it. I reckon you should be talking about the benefits you've had and how these experiences influenced you. However, there's room for improvement but a good effort, thank you.
Thank you very much for the positive feedbacks everyone, I will take your comments into consideration.
