Four points of the Personal Statement for UGRAD Exchange program (250 word limit)

Hi, everyone
Please review my essay and please do point out any mistakes or the improvements that can be made.

broadcasting the american positivity to Pakistan

My entire life changed on one evening of the year 2003 when my father was diagnosed with 4th stage of blood cancer. As a 6-year-old, this was a strange time yet a time around which my personality evolved. As all kids would, I found happiness in the toughest of times and since then I began to find positivity no matter how tough life was.

Be it competitions or my nonacademic activities, I have always been a very active student. I participated in debates, sports, music and was a part of the student council for most of O & A levels. I also being a member of NGO "Pakistan Speaks" have worked on numerous welfare project. I also write articles for the same NGO to raise awareness on different issues.

To excel, I would need to the dig in the immensity of my field by expanding my boundaries. I want to learn about cultures, ethics, and perceptions of different people. I want to attain the ability to commute from conceptual reasoning to concrete applications and therefore aspire to be a researcher. I want present efficient solutions to issues for the present and the future.

From space sciences to Artifical intelligence, US is in the forefront in the research arena. Through UGRAD I will experience science analysis from superior institutes and learn from accomplished researchers. I want to transfuse the same atmosphere in Pakistan where one could work on innovative ideas. I will also broadcast the positivity of country to create an everlasting bond between the two cultures.

1. There is a bit too much "I want to" in the paragraph
2. A few grammar issues
ex. "I also being a member of NGO ..."----> "Being a member of NGO "Pakistan Speaks", we have worked on numerous welfare projects"

3. The transitional words are used a bit awkwardly

hope this helps and GL for your application :)

Muhammad, there is no reference to your personality in the essay. The story about your dad would have been relevant if you used to to depict the kind of personality that you developed because of having to deal with such a serious illness at that age. Come to think of it, scratch that. Don't use a 6 year old self reference because the essay is asking you to describe your interests and personality as of today. The present time. The person you were at the age of 6 and the illness of your father is irrelevant to the prompt requirements. Since there is nothing about the illness that depicted a personality development that affected who you are today, the reference lacks importance.

There is no clear reference to a field of interest that you will want to participate in as a UGrad scholar. Since that is a specific part of the prompt requirements, I suggest that you respond in a relevant manner. You mentioned some interests in your closing statement. What we need is for a specific field of interest and reference discussion to be created earlier in the essay. In order to address the prompt requirement.

You forgot to mention your goals. Why do you want to pursue this line of study and why is it important to you? In terms of personal development, is there a connection between that field of study and who you want to be, either personally or professionally in the future? The prompt asks for that information so you better deliver it.

Your reason for studying in the US is also vague it needs to be clearer. While it is good for your application that you mentioned an interest in going back to Pakistan, the reason why you want to study in the US needs to be better developed. It is barely touched upon in this essay.

Basically, this essay is not UGrad material. You need to revise your content to better suit the prompt requirements. Write a totally new essay. This one is useless in terms of your applications.