'a great opportunity, but also a responsibility' - Endeavour scholarship or fellowship

I need some help! Please!!

Please explain how receiving an Endeavour scholarship or fellowship would make a difference to your personal life. (200 words)

adaptation to a globalized community

I see myself in a future as a leader-designer dedicated to conceive sustainable projects, to achieve that goal I am required to deepen my academic knowledge. By winning this award I will study at a top university and I will live in one cosmopolitan, dynamic and livable country, adapting my previous conceptions to a globalized community. I will have to prove myself that I am capable of distinguish myself in a new country, with a different language and surrounded by highly competitive designers. The scholarship will allow me to concentrate all of my efforts in my studies, I will be totally focused in my academic projects due to the financial support I will receive If I won the scholarship it will enrich my curriculum, a future employee will be aware that I won an international scholarship. My family and colleagues will be inspired if I won that scholarship, I am sure that they will be convinced to further their professional development inspired by my decision and my efforts to achieve it. I will have the opportunity to make industry connections which may lead to further my professional development. The scholarship is a commitment acquired with Australia, the university and myself, it will represent a great opportunity, but also a responsibility that I am willing to assume with all my endeavour.

I think this is a great response! But here's some constructive criticism:
Try to diversify sentence structures instead of repeating "I will". Maybe remove "livable" country because it can seem redundant. Maybe be more specific when discussing "studies" and "academic projects" by focusing on your interests.

Sara, this is a scatter brained essay that does not focus on the realistic representation of how this scholarship can change your personal life. Focus on the academic demands of college overseas and discuss how you will not, as a foreign student, be immediately alllowed to work in order to support yourself financially as a student. So the scholarship will help ease the financial burden that studying overseas can place on the finances of your family and yourself, as an independent student. Concentrate on presenting the idea that due to economic events in your personal life, the scholarship is the only way that you can achieve your dream of financial independence in terms of study fees overseas and living simply as a student who is not allowed to work in the country due to visa constraints. Your essay doesn't really allow the reviewer to learn about your current financial situation, which is the point of the essay, and why you should be given the scholarship based upon those economic constraints.