"From Gujarat to Georgia" - Biographical Essay for Questbridge

This is an essay for Questbridge, which tries to match low-income high achieving students with some of the best colleges in the country.

Prompt: We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 Word Max)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was born on April 11, 1998 in Kalol, Gujarat, India. This day, according to the Hindu calendar, was the birthday of one of the major Hindu deities, Hanuman. Hanuman symbolizes Bal, Buddhi, and Vidya (Strength, Intelligence, and Education). This brought exceptionally high expectations upon me not only from family, but also the community. It was expected of me to be excellent in every field, from athletics to education. With these expectations, however, also came increased attention. Education was thrust upon me, but I accepted it with open arms. I was enrolled in the Indian version of kindergarten by the age of three. Before I was even enrolled, I was taught how to read and write Gujarati, in addition to basic addition and subtraction.

I have almost no memory of these years, but I do remember the atmosphere of Kalol. The atmosphere was robust, hopeful, forward-moving and optimistic. Kalol is located between three major cities. It was and is a transportation hub, as a major stop on the Western Railways. During my childhood, Kalol would become an even more important transportation hub due to the completion of the construction of one of the largest highways in India. Business was also booming due to the policies of Narendra Modi, the then-chief minister of the state. As such, Kalol was booming during my childhood.

[...]

Don't fret Paku. Let me try to help you out here. The problem with the essay is that there are more words and facts than are actually necessary to tell your story. So we need to edit it for content. We will keep the essence of your essay using less words. I'll show you how to do it.

- When I was born in India on Aoril 11, 1998 during the feast day of Hanuman, who symbolizes strength, intelligence, and education. Needless to say, high expectation were set upon my academic accomplishments by people because of my birth date. It was a challenge that I accepted with open arms as I was enrolled in kindergarten at the age of 3.

- This whole paragraph is not really relevant to your quest for education and development as a person so you can skip directly to your parents migrating to America.

- Around this time, my father immigrated to America for job purposes, my mother followed soon after. My sister and I joined the after 3 years. Touching down at the Atlanta, Georgia airport in 2005 and immediately got overcome by culture shock. I went from a small town in India to a large imposing city in Georgia. From a country of people who looked alike, to a country of varying races and skin colors. I knew I was in over my head when I could not express myself in English because, even though I could read and write in the language, I was never taught how to speak it.

- My biggest challenge was overcoming the language barrier. So for the next two years, I concentrated on only that. Doing well enough in school to pass to the next level only because I had already mastered the material in India. It was a struggle that I had to work to overcome because having a language barrier was preventing me from making friends and performing academically. Over time, I began to master the English language and eventually, began to blend in with society. I also began to adjust academically and started progressing well enough for me to gain confidence in my newly developed language skills.

- You don't really need to say so much about this time. You could compress it and deliver the same message.

- Eventually, high school rolled around for me. Enrolled in multiple AP classes and having great teachers helped me develop more confidence in myself because of the school's partnership with a local technical college that allowed me to take classes tailored to my interests. Being a non- American citizen, I was forced to pay full rates at the college but the extra expense was worth it because I was able to enroll in 2 out of the 5 college level classes that I wanted to. With my sister attending college at the same time, my parents were financially spread thin so I was very grateful that they helped me take advantage of the opportunity.

- I had to struggle to reach the academic position that I am in at present. From being a C student who could not speak English, I am now a thirty three ACT scoring student. I am at the top of my class thanks to my hard earned fluency in English .

Paku, look over my suggested changes to your paragraphs. I think the essence of your statement is intact but with lesser words. If you decide to revise the essay, I'll be here to help you refine it :-)

First, thank you so much vangiespen. Your thoughts were very helpful. I used your suggestions and some of my thoughts as well.

Paku, this is an excellent version that provides a fantastic look at how you became the person you are today. Your ideas are now well developed and enhanced to highlight your accomplishments and skills as student and person. However, I have a few notes on revisions:


- ... did have a positive effect ... used to constant changes and challenges .


- ... technical college that allowed high school students to enroll in college...

As for the conclusion, it is actually a very solid statement on your behalf. However, it lacks a certain message. That is the message of how the scholarship will be able to help you achieve your ambition of attending college. Do you have any notable traits or accomplishments that fall in line with the mission, objective, and criteria of the scholarship program? You should mention those points because scholarships tend to favor students to can prove that they embody the scholarship requirements. Most specially, you need to to talk about how you plan to give back to the scholarship as a student and any plans you have for showing your gratitude to them in the future ( after graduation). If you can add a portion about that, we can finally polish the content of the essay for submission :-)

I have an idea. For the last paragraph, should I just delete it and make a new one that talks more about giving back rather than myself? If so, wouldn't that seem like I am just trying to tell them what they want to hear?

Paku, sorry the delayed reply. I have been having internet issues over the past few days that have made my presence intermittent on the board. I was able to bring your word count down to 544. You have additional words to use in the conclusion relating to the scholarship now.

I really appreciate your help, but I think shortening this essay even more takes away any display of writing ability. I have made some changes to the essay, and I feel that it is okay if I don't appeal to Questbridge too strongly. Anyway, here is the revised essay. Please suggest any changes and point out any mistakes. Thank you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was born on April 11, 1998 in India, during the day of Hanuman, who symbolizes strength, intelligence, and education. This birthday brought exceptionally high expectations upon me from my family and the community. I accepted these expectations with open arms, and was enrolled in kindergarten when I was three.

Around this time, my father migrated to America for job purposes, and my mother followed soon thereafter. My sister and I joined them after three years. Touching down at the Atlanta airport, I was immediately overcome by culture shock. I moved from a small town in India to a large daunting city in America. I moved from a country of similar faces to one with extreme diversity. I was even more overwhelmed by the language barrier. I could not express myself in English, because even though I could read and write, I had never been taught to speak English.

My biggest challenge then was the language barrier. So, I concentrated on that specifically. In school, I was only able to pass classes because I had already mastered the material in India. Learning a new language is an extremely hard task, especially one as complex as English. I knew, though, that without learning the language, school and socialization would prove difficult. Therefore, I set my mind to it, and I eventually became comfortable with the English language. I began making friends and blending in with American society. As I became more comfortable, my academic performance rose, which led to increased confidence in myself and my newly developed language skills.

The next few years were also difficult. Due to job issues, my family was constantly moving. During this time, I lived across four states and attended more than ten schools. I constantly had to catch up on material that was never taught to me. Making friends was also difficult, but these challenges did have a positive effect. I experienced several different cultures. I met people of all kinds. I learned to cope and became used to constant changes and challenges.

Eventually, high school rolled around. By then, school had become undemanding for me. I was especially excited and hoped to be challenged as I was going to be enrolling in a great high school with many AP classes and excellent teachers. My freshman year went by, and I was more excited than ever. I was enrolled in challenging AP classes for sophomore year, and things were progressing well. Unfortunately, my family was forced to uproot once again in the middle of the year due to job problems. I moved from a reputed high school to one that was very young and had almost nothing but the most essential classes. In my junior year, however, my high school forged a partnership with a local technical college that allowed high school students to take college level classes. My excitement was curtailed by the news that, as a non-American citizen, I would have to pay full tuition for each class I took. This was difficult as my parents were spread thin trying to provide for us and paying for my sister's college tuition. Thankfully, I was able to at least take two classes out of the five offered.

This is when I realized that paying for college, even a community college, was going to be difficult. My parents would never let anything get in the way of education, least of all money, but I knew I had to earn significant aid to pay for any college. I had taken the ACT and scored a thirty. This was respectable, but I was determined to get a higher score. I put all my effort into studying and eventually scored in the ninety-ninth percentile, a thirty-three. I realized then that this score, combined with my 4.0 GPA and extra-curricular activities, gave me at least a decent chance to be accepted into even the most selective colleges.

I know I have several challenges to face, but I am determined. I have overcome significant challenges, such as constant migration, a language barrier, and culture shock. These challenges have helped me grow significantly. I have become more aware of the diversity in the world, and how different people have different ways of thinking. I have learned that hard work and determination will always lead to great results. I have changed my views on success. When I was younger, I thought power and wealth were indicators of success, but I now believe that success is whatever makes one happy. For some, it may be just to take care of their family. For others, it may be serving their country. For me, it is becoming an educated person my family and my community can be proud of. I want to change the world for the better, in any way possible.

Paku, the essay in its current form is excellent. You can already use this for your scholarship application. Feel free to submit this anytime you want to. The only reason that I wanted you to mention the scholarship and connect yourself to it is because scholarship foundations often look for certain commonalities between the applicant and the foundation. Often, such commonalities makes the foundation officers feel that the student will become a sort of image model for the scholarship foundation. Embodying the physical presence of the foundation by helping to advance the cause of the foundation through the classes you attend and your future participation in your chosen profession. I can see that you would rather highlight your personal story for this essay and I will accept that. It may or not be necessary for you to connect your story to the scholarship foundation. I guess if it is not specified in the scholarship application form, then you can even totally avoid making any connection between yourself and the foundation. I am here only to offer you writing advice. You make the final decision. So go with the decision you are most comfortable with. No harm, no foul :-) Good luck with your application. I honestly hope you get the scholarship :-)

I understand your intentions, and I do genuinely appreciate them. I also appreciate the numerous ways in which you have made this essay better. Thank you.